Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just disassociate from DH and concentrate on me and the DCs?

62 replies

MrsPenrysJones · 02/08/2012 23:19

After spending 10 years feeling like not even second best but maybe 5th best, I have decided to just live my life how I want, doing my own thing, making sure DCs are happy and just completely ignoring DH's needs, wants, wishes etc, as he has ignored ours.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Dprince · 03/08/2012 09:31

I am not suggesting you are doing it out of spite. But the kids will pick up on it, even if you are civil.

JumpingThroughHoops · 03/08/2012 09:31

Was he always like this?

Why don't you go out with friends? If he's out with friends, then there must be some degree of financial affordability for socialising.

I have no income of my own so cannot get deposit for rent so salt some away.

I have to say, from what you have posted, you are financial reliant upon him. Again, get out, earn your own money. I'm probably coming across as aggressive, but not being financially independent is one of my hobby horses.

zookeeper · 03/08/2012 09:38

At least find out what your position would be if you separated - go to a solicitor for a free half hour's advice. Also try the benefit calculator on the nhs.gov website. You might even find you're better off financially without him.

CinnabarRed · 03/08/2012 09:41

If you really want to, you can afford to leave. Yes, there may well be a reduction in your material standard of living. But the improvement in your (and your children's) emotional wellbeing will be beyond price.

nankypeevy · 03/08/2012 09:50

Lone voice again:

feeling like you are not a priority is not grounds for a divorce.

Some men just aren't good at that whole "you are the centre of my universe" thing.

I'm married to one myself. And, it can be agonisingly lonely. But, he has many fine points that sort of balance out the selfish git bit. Enough to make me keep trying to work on it.

It sounds rather selfish to break up a family because you are not being treated like a princess.

Bracing self for onslaught...

Dprince · 03/08/2012 09:52

Actually it is grounds for divorce. The OP doesn't want to him to treat her like a princess. She wants him to put her higher in his priorities. How dare she?
You may be happy to in a marriage like that. Doesn't mean everyone else is.

Original poster
MrsPenrysJones · 03/08/2012 09:55

AIBU?
Okay, here's an example; 3 DCs all under 8. They all want to go to the local swimming pool, but I can't take more than 2 at a time. DH claims he doesn't have the time to come too (although he spends all weekend watching the olympics) so I have to ask my 66 year old mum to come along with us to help so one DC doesn't end up feeling left out.

Another example; we have never been on a holiday as a family. All the DCs friends are off with their parents for a week here or a week there. We don't get so much as a day trip to the coast. And it's not because DH can't afford for us to go away, he can, he just can't be bothered.
I have a million and one other examples of his selfishness towards his DCs but there aren't enough pages on here to cover them all.

OP posts:
Badvoc · 03/08/2012 09:58

You would all be better off without him then, surely?
He would have to support your dcs til they are at least 16.
Please do not underestimate the damage you are doing to your children by staying.

HowamIgoingtogetoutofthis · 03/08/2012 10:00

Ha! I know abt the holidays. Never been on one with exH,ever. get out, you are worth so much more. Something is better than nothing is an adage that just doesn't apply here.

gothicangel · 03/08/2012 10:02

You need to make plans to leave him, save as much money as you can and make a fresh start,

do you rent or own? maybe as him to leave! you need a home for your children so i would ask him to leave,

Good luck op, i feel your painx

DontmindifIdo · 03/08/2012 10:02

Start planning to leave him, do you have access to any money for food etc? If so, start saving a little now and then, a tenner here and there will quickly add up. Once you have enough for 2 months rent you have enough to leave. That could be quicker than you think. (Plus your mum might be able to help out with being garentor etc)

Then you will be awarded a percentage of his wage in child support, you will be entitled to benefits and long term you can have a much better life.

OK, you can't leave today, but you can do within 12 months - how about day before your oldest DC hits 10, then you can put them down for secondary school near your new place.

Living like that is no good for the DCs, being seen as a problem by their dad everyday will effect them for the rest of their lives, rather a non-resident parent who doesn't bother to see them than a resident parent who treats them like shit.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 03/08/2012 10:04

You know, the children having nanna come swimming, and never going on holiday doesn't quite constitute emotional abuse on the part of their father. That said, if you are so bloody miserable, leave. Go to the local council, or any local council if where you are has a housing shortage (you have no job to worry about so it doesn't matter where you go, and the children will adapt, millions of people move house every day) and fill in the forms. They will give you emergency housing at first which might be, well, crap, or might actually be quite nice. Then you'll eventually (and somewhere like here it's a matter of a few weeks only) get a house, can apply for benefits, sort out maintenance from him, get sorted, and find a job. And within a year you'll wonder why you left it so long.
I have been there and done that, and walked out with a child under my arm and the clothes I stood up in. If you are that unhappy do something about it and stop making excuses.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 03/08/2012 10:05

My mum ignored my dad (when she wasn't belittling him). All it made me think when I was little is not "Oh she's staying for the sake of us, the children", but "she's a a cow and I don't like her as much as I like my dad". Now with the benefit of hindsight I can see more than just one side of the story but it has affected my relationship with my parents negatively to this day. Something to think about.

WorraLiberty · 03/08/2012 10:08

As others have said...start planning your leaving.

It's going to happen anyway by the sound of it so you might as well plan for it now.

Oh and take the kids to the seaside yourself...they won't be kids forever.

JumpingThroughHoops · 03/08/2012 10:13

I think we could all put a list of minor irritation and petty complaints up about or other halves if we put a mind to it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2012 10:17

It may feel like you're making a decision OP, but really you're just giving in to despair. Please don't do that, because it will be to the detriment of yourself and your DC. It won't matter how civil you are to him in front of them, living in this situation WILL affect them permanently.

If a decision is to be made, it should be - do I end this marriage or do I try to save it?

You are despairing about your financial resources, but what you have now bears little relationship to what you would have post-breakup. He would be required to provide child support. You would qualify for various benefits. Yes it would be hard, but better in the long term for you and your children.

nankypeevy · 03/08/2012 10:18

pombear put it really well...

I disagree with the majority voice - there are other things that could be going on here. Perhaps he's depressed?

Bit harsh to jump straight to leavethebastard when it's a family we are talking about. Thetruth is that there are points in a marriage where you just don't come top of any list.

How old are your kids, OP?

JumpingThroughHoops · 03/08/2012 10:20

I just find it odd that the Op complains her DH is living a single life, then the main complaint is he wont go swimming. If I were feeling that neglected, I think I'd be moaning about him out with his mates.

gettingeasier · 03/08/2012 10:23

Its not a case of being unreasonable or not

Many people choose to stay in relationships that an impartial bystander would wonder at but they have their own reasons.

My xh reverted to a single mans outlook and behaviour when our DC were small and its soul destroying to live with

I dont know what the answer is but you do have nothing to lose by establishing what your financial position would be before assuming that its unaffordable to split

You already know that lifes too short etc etc OP , try and direct your energy and plans towards something more positive and foward thinking than creating a sub life within your marriage

froggies · 03/08/2012 10:29

YABU. Sorry. My parents lived parallel lives for years, my mum didn't want to split up because of the children, my poor dad didn't want to split up at all but couldn't make my mum happy. It was AWFUL. It has left me and my sister with serious issues, and we don't have contact with my brother at all. Please please please dn't inflict that kind of crap on your kids.

Stupidly I followed my dads role in life, and spent all my time trying to make successive partners happy. I am now a single parent for the second time, with 3 kids, and trust me, they are soooo much happier living with one parent (who is happy) and spending time with the other who is still a wanker but at least behaves better towards 2 of them also happy.

Original poster
MrsPenrysJones · 03/08/2012 10:34

The swimming thing is not the main complaint, it is just one example of many.
Other examples;
he does go out with his mates when he feels like it....doesn't ask if it's inconvenient, just announces that he will be out on Friday etc

he does go on holiday....with his mates, every year

he will suddenly announce that he is going out that afternoon to buy himself a new video camera, whilst DC3 is shlepping around in shoes that are practically falling off his feet

DS1 practically had to beg him to play cards with him the other day....he did eventually after much huffing and tutting and sighing as he was watching TV at the time ( DS1 did notice this and was a bit upset)

Lots of other stuff but in general he just seems to find any interaction with his 'family' as a huge inconvenience.
I am trying to put some money aside but it all gets eaten up by things for the DCs such as food, clothes, etc. Selling stuff on Ebay and trying to do a few car boots (if it would stop raining), but it's taking forever to get any real amount together.
I realise it will take time to do this but in the meantime I think I am not being unreasonable to cut him out as much as possible.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 03/08/2012 10:35

In your posts you come across as being strong

Your acceptance of the situation makes you sound weak

So, which is it?

Keep saving the money! The child benefit go a start. Or maybe tell your H you want to separate and do it jointly. Sounds like he may be relieved to end the marriage

JumpingThroughHoops · 03/08/2012 10:38

Are you still sleeping with him? because if you are looking at a formal separation but remaining in the house you have to stop doing EVERYTHING - cooking, cleaning, shopping and move bedrooms too.

Again I will mention about financial inequality. Simply if he goes and buys something then he gets no dinner as shoes had to be bought. The message will soon get across.

bogeyface · 03/08/2012 10:41

Maybe he will Olympia or maybe he will stop giving her any money altogether.

He has shown himself as a selfish arse, why would that stop if they seperated? I think the OP needs to play the long game here.

OP, what money do you get? does he give it to you or do you have access to a joint account? Do you know what he earns, has in savings etc? If not then try to find out for future reference in the divorce, and for negotiating an increase in what you get now.

Good luck, I agree that you would all be far better off without him.

MsVestibule · 03/08/2012 10:46

I think we could all put a list of minor irritation and petty complaints up about or other halves if we put a mind to it.

Yes, of course we all could - mine would be pretty long, too! Overall though, things are good and I know my DH prioritises the DCs and I most of the time. If I told him I was unhappy with our marriage, I know he would do what he could to put it right.

But the OP doesn't have any of that. They don't appear to have any sort of family life - that would be a dealbreaker for me, more so than if DH had an affair.

OP, I don't know what the answer is. Don't ignore him - the DCs will pick up on that very quickly. Maybe just lower your expectations of him completely, e.g. book a holiday for you and the DCs (if you can afford it) and plan days out by yourself. Tell him what you're doing and if he wants to come along, fine, but if not, he can stay in by himself. He may buck his ideas up, or you'll realise that you don't need him and leaving is an option after all.