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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave out dh's family?

71 replies

mollysmum82 · 02/08/2012 20:08

I'm not sure what to do. We're having our kids christened in October but we're doing it 2 hours away from where we live. This is because I'm really close to my aunt and she really wants to be part of the ceremony too but she's going through chemotherapy at the moment so we're having it close to where she lives so she doesnt have to travel. The problem is dh's family will have to travel 2 hours if they want to come. Of course we'll make it clear that we totally understand if they don't want to make the journey but I imagine they'll still want to. The trouble is we're really struggling for cash and we can't afford to pay for a meal for everyone after the ceremony. Would it be completely unreasonable for us to have the ceremony so far away and not put food on afterwards? My aunt has said she'd love to take dh and the kids for a meal to say thanks for coming but of course we wouldn't ask her to pay for dh's family too. So it would kind of feel like we were sneaking off with my family and leaving dh's family out if we were to agree. Aargh what a mess , what would you do?

OP posts:
Megatron · 02/08/2012 20:10

I think it's unfair not to include your DH's family to be honest. Could you not just be honest with them and explain the situation as you have here?

BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks · 02/08/2012 20:11

Tbh I think i would scrape the money together to at least manage half the meal.

Seems a bit rude imo to ask them to travel (which I am sure they will) then expect them to pay for their own meal,and then travel home again.

Or be bluntly honest and explain the situation.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/08/2012 20:12

I would probably decline the Aunts offer of taking you for a meal afterwards and find somewhere that will do a nice cheap buffet and pay for that. Or invite everyone for a meal but all pay for yourselves and make it a fairly cheap place. But I'd go with the buffet option myself, there is bound to be a nice pub somewhere nearby that will do a small buffet.

hermionestranger · 02/08/2012 20:13

I think YAbu actually, you are travelling for one person, I know she has been I'll and I hope she recovers and is in remission very soon, but to do that I your DH's family is pretty rubbish behaviour. Sad

Penguinface · 02/08/2012 20:13

Can you do the christning with your autn and have a separate celebration for DH's family at another time nearer home? x

BonkeySaysTeamGBAreTheMollocks · 02/08/2012 20:13

Thats a good plan.

Would your aunt spend that money she had for a meal and put it towards a buffet?

Portofino · 02/08/2012 20:15

If this was me, I would be laying on some sarnies at home and including all the GPs, immediate family etc and seeing what could be done about transporting your aunt.

Mintyy · 02/08/2012 20:16

Yabu. Sorry, but ya.

What would you have done if you'd had the christening closer to home? Presumably you would still have had the problem of providing some sort of food/drink for everyone?

Perhaps you could wait until you can afford it?

Mrsjay · 02/08/2012 20:16

I think YABU I know you love your aunt and she is ill but the baby has other family that is just as important as your aunt, get somewhere and make a buffet so everybody can come,

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 02/08/2012 20:16

Be brutally honest, explain the situation, and see what they suggest.

Iteotwawki · 02/08/2012 20:19

Would you be happy if your son had a family celebration but left you and your husband out of it? I'd be very sad if my son did that to me.

At least do your husband's family the courtesy of discussing the issue with them - they may really want to be involved in their grandchildren's christening. Explain the money issues to them and see what they say; if it were me I would want to come along but would not dream of allowing your aunt to pay for a meal, I would want to pay my share.

You aren't being unreasonable to have the ceremony close to your aunt in view of medical circumstances but you are being very unreasonable to leave out half your children's family.

I don't see it as a mess at all, just another sad reminder that when my sons have children I will be a second class citizen compared to their maternal family.

Virgil · 02/08/2012 20:20

Since when have meals become compulsory at christenings? My dsis mentioned something similar about a christening for her children the other day and was talking about the cost of a meal in a restaurant for everyone. Just have the service followed by drinks and nibbles.

And I would have at home and find a way of getting your aunt down

squeakytoy · 02/08/2012 20:23

Why have a meal? Most people normally just have a buffet back at home, or go out to the pub and get pissed under the guise of it being a christening and have a buffet there..

Never in my life have I been to a christening that was followed by a meal.

Original poster
mollysmum82 · 02/08/2012 20:23

If I was doing it in my home town I would have made a spread at home I guess to avoid paying for going out. It's more than just transporting my aunt though, the church we're having the celebration at is the church she and my gran (before she died) always attended and has a lot of family meaning. Dh's family aren't religious at all so the ceremony won't have the same meaning in that sense. I appreciate your opinions though and it does seem they'll think I'm being unreasonable then. I'll try and find somewhere that does a cheap buffet, that's a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
mollysmum82 · 02/08/2012 20:28

We have a lot more to do with dh's family than we do with mine in general. I love them to bits , they are very very involved with my children's lives and they are most certainly not second class citizens in our family. I'm sorry you've had that experience. I would never not invite them to the christening and I already said I would feel
Uncomfortable doing the meal with my aunt and not them. I just need a suitable alternative. I'm glad you think drinks and nibbles would be reasonable, we could stretch to that.

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 02/08/2012 20:30

If DH's family aren't religious, do they even want to come? If they do, then I think you have to include them in plans for food afterwards. Your aunt is being a bit thoughtless not xpconsidering that there are more people in the party than just your side.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/08/2012 20:32

If the church knows your family you could explain the situation and ask them if they know of a little pub that would do a buffet for you.

Does the church have a function room or anything attached? You could take some buffet food with you and use their hall if they have one, or even ask if they would help you out with it? Maybe your Aunt has friends in the church that would help?

Personally I think you have to put on a bit more than nibbles for a a two hour journey, but if you went to Iceland you could get loads of cheap and cheerful buffet food.

ENormaSnob · 02/08/2012 22:02

Yabu

MummytoKatie · 02/08/2012 22:07

I second Outraged with the church hall suggestion. You can often hire them really cheaply then you could bake in advanced, buy a load of nibbles from tescos and get a sandwich type platter from somewhere.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 02/08/2012 22:11

The point of a Christening is the ceremony at the church. The party is nice, but it's beside the point. Is this actually a Christening, in the proper sense of the word, or is it a "meet the babies piss up an party"? If anyone complains or won't come if you don't bankrupt yourself to feed them, are they really the sort of person you want there anyway?

tiddlypool · 02/08/2012 22:16

what does your DH say?

BonnieBumble · 02/08/2012 22:19

Book the church hall next door and just provide a few sandwiches and a tea/coffee.

Angelico · 02/08/2012 22:19

I was going to say the same as Freddos - the church we will have our bean christened in has a church hall attached and people quite often just get salads, some 'naice ham' :o etc and fire it out after the service. Church ladies help set it up. Is that an option?

MammaTJ · 02/08/2012 22:21

I bet everyone would love to bring a little something along to a buffet and be prepared for a pay bar if you could find a venue that would do that(there are loads around).

AuntLucyInPeru · 02/08/2012 22:21

YANBU. Assuming you are having the christening for religious rather than social reasons ( and if not, then YABU, but that's a whole other thread) then the point of the event is the church service, and it's quite acceptable - assuming you even want something social afterwards - for everyone to buy their own drinks at a pub. Hire the church hall and do a 'bring and share' buffet if you're desperate to also do food.