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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave out dh's family?

71 replies

mollysmum82 · 02/08/2012 20:08

I'm not sure what to do. We're having our kids christened in October but we're doing it 2 hours away from where we live. This is because I'm really close to my aunt and she really wants to be part of the ceremony too but she's going through chemotherapy at the moment so we're having it close to where she lives so she doesnt have to travel. The problem is dh's family will have to travel 2 hours if they want to come. Of course we'll make it clear that we totally understand if they don't want to make the journey but I imagine they'll still want to. The trouble is we're really struggling for cash and we can't afford to pay for a meal for everyone after the ceremony. Would it be completely unreasonable for us to have the ceremony so far away and not put food on afterwards? My aunt has said she'd love to take dh and the kids for a meal to say thanks for coming but of course we wouldn't ask her to pay for dh's family too. So it would kind of feel like we were sneaking off with my family and leaving dh's family out if we were to agree. Aargh what a mess , what would you do?

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/08/2012 20:43

It doesn't matter if the in laws aren't religious, that won't stop them wanting to be there for a special ocassion for their grandchild!

Of course I read that she can't afford a meal for everyone, that's the point of the thread. That's why I suggested a cheaper alternative. If the aunt really can't be around anyone, even family who could be advised that they need to stay away if they are at all unwell, then I honestly can't see how she would be fine in a restaurant either.

kim147 · 03/08/2012 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 03/08/2012 20:58

Thank you so much quoteunquote for your supportive words, I am trying to do something nice for her so I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 03/08/2012 21:05

Thanks Auntlucyinperu, I totally agree, the whole point of this is that its a religious ceremony not a social one!

Thanks narked raspberry for your advice and understanding on the situation.

Thanks everyone who gave good ideas about hiring the church hall and bringing buffets etc, they're great ideas and I really appreciate them.

OP posts:

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 03/08/2012 21:10

Just some points also for the other comments. We're having dcs christened in a catholic church and my aunt is the only member of our family (apart from me) who is practising catholic. Like I say Ils aren't religious at all but of course this doesn't mean I'd exclude them from the proceedings, I just can't afford a sit down meal for them afterwards. Also, dh's family don't live in our home town either, so whether it's my aunt's town or mine they'd still have a long trip.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 03/08/2012 21:12

So, you are still going to leave out DH's family? You could go a day earlier and have dinner with her the night before the christening and then do no meal afterwards.

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 03/08/2012 21:12

And I'm surprised I've come across as being disinclined to put any effort in for this, the whole point of this thread was to get ideas to handle this without upsetting anyone. I'd be more than happy to make loads of sandwiches and cakes if it meant everyone felt included.

OP posts:

Loshad · 03/08/2012 21:13

church hall then molly, make your own sandwiches and little cakes etc and transport them over. Sociable and very inexpensive.

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 03/08/2012 21:15

No I'm not going to leave them out. Yes I am going to invite them to the ceremony. No I'm not going to have a meal with my aunt and not them. I just wanted to see if anyone had any other suggestions and you have, which I appreciate.

OP posts:

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 03/08/2012 21:16

Sounds like a plan loshad, cheers!

OP posts:

JUbilympiX · 03/08/2012 21:28

Can you do a spread at your aunt's like you wold have done at home?

Original poster

mollysmum82 · 03/08/2012 21:47

No, she's really poorly and lacking energy so I know she wouldn't want people descending on her home. She'd feel like she'd have to play hostess no matter what I said so I couldn't do that to her.

OP posts:

Inertia · 04/08/2012 16:49

Maybe you could ask your MIL for some help with organising the buffet - maybe she could co-ordinate willing volunteers to bring food, to help the inlaws feel involved.

quoteunquote · 04/08/2012 17:02

Mollysmum,

Even if the aunt catches wind of your dilemma, and offers to host, don't let her, it's so easy to over estimate your capabilities on cemo, and you really pay the price, when you do over stretch.

what ever you do, and I think taking some sandwiches and cake is lovely, make sure you have lots of anti bac hand gel, make everyone apply it often, it does help keep infections spreading,

I think your priorities are the important parts of a christening, showy after celebrations are not the point of occasion.

good luck.

Socknickingpixie · 04/08/2012 17:13

every time ive christened any of my kids its been a church event done during a normal service and had tea and cake after with church members. once ive also done a do myself inviting down the dads family hiring a hall buffet ect because thats what dad wanted at no time have any of my family other than my other children been involved as i am the only church goer 'god beliver' aka 'unscientific idiot' in my family. other than the party occasion we have as a family sometimes with godparents ended up at a pub type food place after nothing expensive but funded by me,if a family member offered to do a meal after i would probally accept and explain to people as i think thats a lovely thing to offer especially given the accomadations you have made for her to attend.

as far as im aware my mother and brothers/sisters ect have no idea that any of my kids have been christened.

as far as im concerned christenings are not something you do just because you have a child its also not about having a party or gathering its just about the service and the belif system

Lougle · 04/08/2012 18:10

If it was the other way around, and your aunt was in fact your DH's aunt, how would you feel?

JUbilympiX · 04/08/2012 21:32

Does the church not have a hall you can use, and being a buffet, which your dh's family can help with?

McHappyPants2012 · 04/08/2012 22:10

How about having the christening at home, then have another little service in the church your aunt attends.

To me that is practical because as you are aware people under going chemo can have very bad days and your aunt maybe unwell to even attend on that date.

I hoe your auntie gets well soon

quoteunquote · 05/08/2012 00:05

How about having the christening at home

I think the OP said that the aunt and herself were the only practicing catholics in the family,

so it probably not so relevant to the others, as christenings are a ceremony to welcome a child into the church/god, it's probable more appropriate if those in the family who are apart of the church are involved.

MaggotMummy · 05/08/2012 08:14

Can you not make it a picnic and invite everyone to bring something with them? I am sure they would be understanding of your motives for being with your aunt (really lovely and I hope she is doing well with the treatment) and would be understanding of the need for everyone to pitch in and help?

FallenCaryatid · 05/08/2012 08:30

I have a huge and scattered family. Our financial statusus are equally divergent!
When we have a family gathering, one of us hosts and most of the rest of us bring food to share. We liaise so that we don't end up with 4,000 sausage rolls and no desserts.

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