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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave out dh's family?

71 replies

mollysmum82 · 02/08/2012 20:08

I'm not sure what to do. We're having our kids christened in October but we're doing it 2 hours away from where we live. This is because I'm really close to my aunt and she really wants to be part of the ceremony too but she's going through chemotherapy at the moment so we're having it close to where she lives so she doesnt have to travel. The problem is dh's family will have to travel 2 hours if they want to come. Of course we'll make it clear that we totally understand if they don't want to make the journey but I imagine they'll still want to. The trouble is we're really struggling for cash and we can't afford to pay for a meal for everyone after the ceremony. Would it be completely unreasonable for us to have the ceremony so far away and not put food on afterwards? My aunt has said she'd love to take dh and the kids for a meal to say thanks for coming but of course we wouldn't ask her to pay for dh's family too. So it would kind of feel like we were sneaking off with my family and leaving dh's family out if we were to agree. Aargh what a mess , what would you do?

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 02/08/2012 22:28

OP, I think what you are doing for your aunt is really lovely, what precious memory to create,

I'm sure that the family will understand, could you all bring a picnic to share, explain to your husband family, and I'm sure between you, you will find a suitable solution,

No one will want you to go into debt just because you want your aunt to share in such a special day, invite your in laws round and explain what is going on, unless they are really mean, they will probably be helpful in solving the problem.

It's a very kind thing you are doing, and will mean a lot to your aunt, when you are on cemo, the fatigue is totally overwhelming, I think taking the christening to her is a very generous loving thing to do.

good luck

Karoleann · 02/08/2012 22:43

I'm sure the church will let you put some stuff out afterwards, they'll have a side room. You need to provide something. Sandwiches, crisps, soft drinks, a few sweet things (like the tubs of cornflake cakes) would be fine.

griphook · 02/08/2012 22:55

Can't you just invite them to the meal with your aunt, but just explain that things are tight at the moment so you can't afford to pay for them. Sounds like you get on so I'm sure they would understand. Just don't pick somewhere mega expensive

Inertia · 03/08/2012 00:15

Are you staying in the area overnight?

Just thinking that you could do cups of tea and some sandwiches and cakes at the church hall after the service, then go out with your aunt the following day.

trixymalixy · 03/08/2012 00:18

Yabu

Kayano · 03/08/2012 00:21

Have a buffet at aunts house?

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 03/08/2012 00:22

Just sandwiches and cups of tea/cake is fine. Expecting people to travel for 2 hours and not offering any refreshments is a bit shit TBH. Lovely idea for your aunt though.

NarkedRaspberry · 03/08/2012 00:35

If your Aunt is mid chemo and immunosupressed then having a party is not a good plan.

lunar1 · 03/08/2012 06:49

Please include your DH's family. As a mum of boys these threads make me scared for the future.

quoteunquote · 03/08/2012 11:03

If your Aunt is mid chemo and immunosupressed then having a party is not a good plan.

very important point NarkedRaspberry.

Honu · 03/08/2012 11:21

Are they being christened as part of the church service? If so, the church may be doing something afterwards. When my DN (who is also my goddaughter) was confirmed the church had laid on a spread for the newly confirmed and their families and I was so embarrassed when DSIL said 'No thanks, we're going home' (to a spread). So talk to the vicar / churchwardens and see if you can come to an arrangement.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/08/2012 11:22

If the Aunt thinks she will be ok to be in a church and a restaurant, I'm sure she will also be fine at a small church hall gathering.

darksecret · 03/08/2012 11:36

Yes, it would.

Depending on how hard up you are, there are many options. They would involve you doing some work though, and you sound disinclined to bother! You could make vast quantities of sandwiches, ask relatives all to bring flasks of hot chocolate/coffee and perhaps some tray bakes if they can. Families love to be included like that! If you have some paints and wall paper lining, you can make a gloriously messy foot and hand print banner saying Welcome!, encouraging the kids to get involved as much as possible. Make some bunting. Picnics are dire at the time but they create beautiful memories! Take pictures.

Nobody will care if they're not sitting down to a meal.

futureunknown · 03/08/2012 11:39

I think the christening should be where you live and you invite everyone to you and do a buffet at home.

You say the church two hours away is important to your family, but you need to start making connections with your local church if church is important to you.

Take the baby to see your aunt the weekend after the ceremony and have photos taken that you can print and frame for her.

Please don't put your aunt before DH's parents.

NarkedRaspberry · 03/08/2012 11:57

Future, why should she do the reverse then? Why should she put her DH's family before hers? Her Aunt won't be up to travelling but her DH's family can. If it matters to them surely they can buy their own lunch somewhere/take sandwiches?

NarkedRaspberry · 03/08/2012 11:58

'If the Aunt thinks she will be ok to be in a church and a restaurant, I'm sure she will also be fine at a small church hall gathering'

No.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/08/2012 12:36

Genuine question Raspberry, but why not?

Where is the huge difference between going to a church service and then a restaurant and going to a church service and then going into the hall attached? If anything the latter seems like an easier option for the aunt. The same people would be there either way.

porcamiseria · 03/08/2012 12:44

yabu

catus · 03/08/2012 12:49

YABU. I understand it is a painful situation for you but YABU.
You could organise something cheap like sandwiches, nibbles and homebaked cakes and the like. Ask for help from your family or friends with this, maybe?
Also, be honest with the inlaws, they will probably understand if they are regular people.
I might add that the point of a christening is not to have a meal, but for the church to welcome a baby in the religious community.

biddysmama · 03/08/2012 14:25

we arent inviteing my mil to dd2 and ds2's baptism because she is a miserable old cow that ruined my wedding and theres not a chance i will let her ruin my babies day aswell

NarkedRaspberry · 03/08/2012 15:27

It's about level or risk. Generally if you are at least 2m from someone you're not going to catch their bugs if you walk past them in the street. If you sit next to them for 30 minutes inside there's more of a risk. If you're trapped in a lift with them for 15 minutes you're stuffed.

Chemo takes months (treatment-gap-treatment-gap-treatment-gap etc) and the person's immune system is compromised for that time and quite a while afterwards. You can't avoid all people or you'd be a shut in. So you balance the risk. You need friends etc to be totally honest and, if they've had eg a bit of a cold or their child was sick the night before, stay away.

The person who's having chemo may well want to be out and living and have things seem as normal as possible. The person who cares about them is looking at you sniffing and thinking they will kneecap you if you get closer than 12 feet.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/08/2012 15:33

I can understand what you are saying, but I don't understand why sitting next to people at a table in a restaurant is any different to sitting with exactly the same people in a hall. Which is what you said 'No' to.

Again, surely it would be better for the Aunt to be in a hall that is only open to members of the family who you can explain the situation to rather than a room full of strangers.

NarkedRaspberry · 03/08/2012 15:48

At a restaurant she'd only be near the OP, her DH and DC. Everyone else would be at a distance. At a christening 'do' she'd have lots of extra people coming up and talking to her.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/08/2012 20:33

The rest of the child's family would have to be there too though, OP can't just completely exclude a whole side of the family. I never considered it to be an option that there would only be the OPs immediate family, that would just be too rude!

NarkedRaspberry · 03/08/2012 20:36

Did you read the thread? She can't afford food, doesn't have anything planned and her ILs aren't at all religious.

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