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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sit downstairs listening to my DS scream? :(

34 replies

Subarashii · 02/08/2012 20:00

DS is 21 months. Still BF'ing and all about mum mum mum. DH is putting him to bed tonight, which without fail involves 5-10 mins of proper screaming. I've got the swimming on loud so I can't hear :(.

Just wondering if AIBU...

On the U side, I know full well that if I go up now and feed DS, he'll stop crying immediately. I also worry that DS will start to become even more averse to being left with DH and that he might develop trust issues with me?

On the other hand, it will then take me up to 45 mins to get him off to sleep, whereas for DS it will prob take 20 mins max. He needs to learn to be put to sleep by DH. And I'm 9 weeks pregnant and feeling crap. Sooner or later he'll have to learn to share :(.

Oh, I don't think I'm being U. But this isn't the 'no tears' approach I used to subscribe to. Motherhood is just one big guilt trip.

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 02/08/2012 20:02

Yanbu. He will survive. Keep strong. Can't you go out for a walk?

silverten · 02/08/2012 20:04

Sounds like you're doing ok to me.

Don't feel bad, it's not as if your son is two months old, he's nearly two years! You're right, he needs to learn to do things without you.

ANTagony · 02/08/2012 20:05

Take a cup of tea in the garden for ten minutes. He will survive, so will you. He will also no doubt be over it and in the land of nod a good hour before you're able to relax after sitting through the tears. Don't torture yourself.

Original poster

Subarashii · 02/08/2012 20:07

All quiet now :)

Silverten, I know! Nearly two bloody years old!

I know exactly what it is - I have massive trust issues to do with my own childhood. Nothing to do with being put to bed by my DF when I was a toddler, though... :o

OP posts:

Rubirosa · 02/08/2012 20:07

He's with his dad, he's fine. At some point children have to learn that just because they want something doesn't mean they are going to get it.

BuntCadger · 02/08/2012 20:07

Sorry but I'd go up and bfeed him. Ds used to nurse to sleep and stopped day dd born. He now falls to sleep with a cuddle.

Mintyy · 02/08/2012 20:08

Yanbu. At some point the "no tears approach" usually has to give way to "a few tears I'm afraid". There are many thousands of threads on Mumsnet which are testimony to that.

Original poster

Subarashii · 02/08/2012 20:10

But Bunt, that's what I need to avoid. I can't, for my own sanity, be listening to him scream his head off for me like this at bedtime when the next DC arrives. I had PND last time and I will be facing enough as it is. Appreciate your position, though. Part of me thinks I should be up there. Obviously, or I wouldn't have started this thread!

OP posts:

Knittingshouldbeanolympicsport · 02/08/2012 20:11

I had this with dd last year admittedly slightly different as I was rushed into hospital and she was still feeding to sleep, she was 18months. When I eventually came out of hospital I wasn't able to feed her as I had had surgery and was about to start chemotherapy. It was hard and I felt awful as some evenings she would scream for mummy milk for up to an hour, and I would sit there shushing her as dh works nights.
However now she falls asleep beautifully, no drama and will even take herself up to bed for a nap.
It is however incredibly hard to hear your child screaming for you. Just be strong

EMS23 · 02/08/2012 20:11

You're doing the right thing, my DD is 20 months, similar to your DS in that only I put her to bed normally.
I'm 33.5 weeks pregnant and we're only just starting to introduce some shared bedtimes etc.. I feel like we've left it way too late so you're doing the right thing doing it much earlier in your pregnancy.

Original poster

Subarashii · 02/08/2012 20:14

Knittings, that sounds incredibly traumatic :( Hope you're ok now.

Stopping feeding to sleep when I'm doing bedtime is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. DH is away for 3 bedtimes a week so I'm going to have to tackle it at some point before DC2 arrives but I'm studiously ignoring it for now.

OP posts:

zookeeper · 02/08/2012 20:14

Absolutely the right thing for you if you want your sanity and for your ds who at some point needs to learn to settle himself to sleep

Salmotrutta · 02/08/2012 20:15

Glad he's settled now OP

They do get to the point where they scream to get what they want but you just have to grit your teeth and keep repeating to yourself that no harm is coming to him, he's with Dad and he will settle.

There may be rare times where you can't be there to put him down so it's good to get him used to Dad doing it.

Original poster

Subarashii · 02/08/2012 20:18

Thanks all.

Interestingly, if I'm not at home he goes down for DH without a whisper!

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 02/08/2012 20:20

Ah! - he's playing you like a violin

BuntCadger · 02/08/2012 20:20

Sub that's totally fair enough. How we did it is that that dh and I did bedtime together when I was pregnant, he helped with bath and read story and ds has a light snack (yoghurt and fruit), then I'd nurse him. As pregnancy progressed I would say that the baby would need milk too (I'd planned to tandem). Gradually dh took over more of bedtime routine so it wasn't a dramatic change. I'd also suffered an early m/c before pregnancy with dd so I was taking it a day at a time. When dd was born he refused to nurse as was for baby, and that was that. Dh still helps with bedtime and will get ds2 ready for bed, read stories, feed snack, clean teeth and give beaker of milk. Ds2 climbs in bed with me and baby (who's nursed to sleep) and cuddles up and falls to sleep. Glad we did it this way as it turns out ds2 has high functioning autism and prob needed it more in terms of routine and comfort.

Had PND with ds1 and not with ds2, do rest assured it doesn't mean you'll get it again.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Moominsarescary · 02/08/2012 20:22

I need to do this, I'm not bf but ds is 16 months and will only go to bed for me. I'm pg and have some complications so need to sort it out soon in case I have to go into hospital.

GhostShip · 02/08/2012 20:23

You're doing the right thing! He's 2 he needs to learn.

Hope all goes well x

silverten · 02/08/2012 20:24

There you go. He'll get the hang of it, don't worry. He's going to have to deal with coming second sometimes when no.2 arrives, so better to start easing him into it now. And he's of an age where he can understand what's happening when you explain that Daddy is doing bed.

It's not heartless, it's sensible planning.

FourArms · 02/08/2012 21:26

I'd planned to tandem feed but stopped bfing DS1 at 22m (22w pg with DS2) as it was getting so painful, and making me really rundown & tired (only realised this when I stopped).

Maybe if all bedtimes involved not being nursed to sleep it would be easier for him to accept?

I explained why I was stopping to DS1 & he seemed to understand.

lovebunny · 02/08/2012 21:40

why torture yourself and him? get up there and feed him. feed and comfort him to sleep every night until he doesn't want the breast any more - anytime from now to eight, but usually round about the age of four. very few adult men (none, as far as i know) go to their mum for a feed at bedtime.

trust your instinct, trust his instinct. in thirty years you'll be glad you did.

zookeeper · 02/08/2012 21:42

lovebunny

SuzySheepSmellsNice · 02/08/2012 21:49

LolaThePregnantFlyola · 02/08/2012 21:53

sorry couldnt resist

NellyBluth · 02/08/2012 22:00

Please tell me you're not entirely serious there, lovebunny?

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