Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to contact this girl for answers?

105 replies

MrsHannibal · 02/08/2012 15:39

This is bound to be long, sorry. Am regular but N/C for this.

6 months ago I went back to college to get my GCSE's. I met a girl there doing another course (I forget which) and we became friends quickly, I thought she was brilliant although it was clear she had some problems (home problems, and perhaps ADHD). She had 2 kids, a boy and a girl, who were living with their dad and was always showing me pictures of them. She was 18 so had had them very young.

It came up that she had nowhere to stay, her nan that she'd always lived with had died, and with her dad having died a few years back, and her mum not on the scene she had no family. I let her live with me, fed her, paid for everything for her as she had no money either. I tried to help her get on some kind of benefits, but we were unable to as she told me she has no birth certificate or NI number.

A couple months went by, we were having a good time although the financial strain on me was quite hard. I'd drop her to various places so she could go and see her kids, buy her what she needed etc. She moved her clothes and various but minimal belongings into my house.

She came home in tears one day, telling me her childrens father had got into a brawl, her little girl had got in the way and had a serious blow to the head. She was absolutely hysterical, i was heartbroken and sat up all night with her, the next day things worsened and she told me the girl passed away. I dropped her to a house she told me was the fathers house, and over the next few weeks missed college and work to support her. Gave her money for dresses for her and her daughter for the funeral and was generally an emotional mess myself.

But then, this happened: I received a message on facebook telling me this girl was not who I thought she was. Her name was actually different, she'd lied to them before about a girl being very ill, she didn't even have children and lived at home with her family with a link to her real facebook. I did some facebook snooping, horrified, and then looked through her stuff and found her birth certificate with her real name on (not the one she used with me).

When she came in I confronted her, and she just grabbed her stuff and ran out. Literally. That was it.

This was 2 months ago now, and I just have no clue where to go from here. I feel so violated. I can't understand why it happened, money? I didn't give her anything hefty, but if she's done it to other people maybe she does get a lot? Do I contact police? A hospital? Do I contact her? Her family through facebook? I'm still eaten up about it and feel SO SO stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHannibal · 02/08/2012 17:11

And no she hasnt been back for it, I think I'd lose the plot if I saw her again

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 17:14

I am not 'picking' on anyone mummsy - I am pointing out that someone who is nasty doesn't automatically have MH problems.

I answered outraged because she made some very ill though out comments - I am clearly not the only one who thinks so reading this thread.

This thread is a prime example of why MH has such stigma attached to it Sad

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 17:15

Sorry OP for the massive hi jack.

Dprince · 02/08/2012 17:15

If you contact her direct she will either abuse you further. Or try and drag you in with another sob story. She will try that she has mh issues and doesn't know why, her parents are abusive, her dp is abusive, she did have a baby and lost it etc.
Could be true, however its not your problem to fix. You tried to help her, you couldn't. If it is mh then you can't fix her.
Its prob not mh issues, so you will just be abused.

meetupmisery · 02/08/2012 17:21

I think it was love.y you looked after her so much (regular who has nc for another thread too )

AGiraffeOnTheDivingBoard · 02/08/2012 17:29

I was conned by someone. It had a devastating impact on my life and I understand your need for answers and explanations.

My advice is to move on with your life as quickly as you can. You will not get answers, you will not get apologies and you will not get a satisfactory understanding as to why someone has done this to you. Con people do not operate with the same moral compass as honest people. I just got more lies when I confronted him and then I was stonewalled. I was no longer useful so he moved on with his life. He will never sit there and say "yes, this was a lie, that was a lie". Their whole existence is based around a lie - they are never going to suddenly start telling the truth.

I spoke to a Clinical psychologist about what had happened to me. I was told it was like there was a "how to " book on conning people - they all seem to follow the same kind of MO. Sob stories feature strongly. I was told con people show sociopathic tendencies, maybe even pscychopathic. I guess many are just opportunistic criminals who use personal relationships to get what they want (rather than say violence / mugging etc).

As my brother said - "you've been in a hit and run Giraffe - he's gone and you need to get on with your life".

It took me a long time to feel OK again as your personal space has been invaded but I am a much wiser person and look back on my old self as young / naive / innocent.

don't waste any more of your precious time and energy on this person.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/08/2012 17:32

And I clearly wasn't the only one who suggested MH problems Valium.

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 17:34

Well clearly people need to find out a bit more about MH so they don't make such awful comments again.

DestinationUnknown · 02/08/2012 17:40

OP have you changed your locks?

mummmsy · 02/08/2012 17:41

there is also the assumption that Outraged or anyone else who suggests mental health might be an issue don't have mental health probs themselves

the other reason why there is such a stigma attached to mh issues is that everyone walks on eggshells around the topic and has knee-jerk reactions any mention or suggestion of it

AGiraffeOnTheDivingBoard · 02/08/2012 17:46

Good point Destination - change your locks, and are there any passwords she may know. Contact your bank for new cards. If she's had access to your home you need to be aware she could have gone through your stuff. I was in a admin nightmare after I discovered the person wasn't who he said he was.

Assume that absolutely nothing she told was true.

FWIW - nearly 10 years I can make it quite a funny "gallows humour" story ....

Queenofsiburbia · 02/08/2012 17:51

Where I used to work someone was recruited for quite a snr position.

Within a month she was off work for a child's illness, it turned out to be quite serious but never discussed. Then, unbelievably she had even worse luck as she had a house fire plus her husband was seriously injured.
At this point everyone was very Shock and Sad for her.

By now she had been off work for about 6 months, in total she'd worked for a few weeks. Something else terrible then happened (can't remember what but probably involved death or illness etc) which obviously started massive alarm bells for HR.
Next week police turned up & she was gone.

She'd been paid for 6 months work and not done any! Sounds pretty similar to your situ OP, & obviously isnt that rare. We all believed her as you feel like a cynical bitch if you don't (even if inside you're abit Hmm )!

You should tell police, I expect they already know about her & looking to build a case.

olibeansmummy · 02/08/2012 18:17

I would definitely contact the police and speak to the person who contacted you.

MrsHarryPearce · 02/08/2012 18:50

Let the police know or contact your local adult social services team. She hasnt really committed a crime but her behavoiur is indicative of a vulnerable adult. She will either commit crime against someone else or put herself in a position where she is a victim. Ss may have a file on her already and your info will help.

As for you, you acted out fo the goodness of your own heart so as another said put it down to experience and move on knowing you are a good person

lovebunny · 02/08/2012 18:52

don't worry about it, move on. you don't need answers from her. she approached you as ms x, you treated her as ms x. that was the right thing to do.

JodieHarsh · 02/08/2012 18:59

I agree with most of what has been said here, and particularly (also) with Valium's comments about an internet MH diagnosis on the basis of someone being a shit.

there is too much on MN of 'Oh he NEVER?!?! Well he's definitely AS/ got MH issues' etc. etc.

Anyway, I digress:

OP I am sorry this happened to you. But try to think of it like this: acts of kindness stand on their own terms quite apart from how they were received.

Everything that you did - your warmth and generosity and selflessness - are exactly as admirable now as they were before you knew this. Her being deceitful and conniving don't diminish by on iota what you did.

I wish for all our sakes there were more people like you in the world.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 02/08/2012 19:04

I would contact the police. She has obviously done it before and she could go worse next time. You have all her details.

50shadesofslapntickle · 02/08/2012 19:07

I would definitely contact both the police and her parents as she is clearly unbalanced and if you don't she will keep on doing this and it could end up far more serious for her next victim

Dominodonkey · 02/08/2012 19:18

You are clearly a lovely (but overly trusting) person. Please don't stop being the person you are but think a little more carefully before letting anyone into your home.
I think it is highly likely she was just out to scam you financially but I did go to school with a girl who pretended she was pregnant, the father of the baby had died and various other things. It was all untrue and all for attention.

I agree with other posters - you must speak to the police so it can be recorded.
I think she has possibly committed the offence of 'Fraud by False Representation' (part of the Fraud Act 2006.

50shadesofslapntickle · 02/08/2012 19:20

I would definitely contact both the police and her parents as she is clearly unbalanced and if you don't she will keep on doing this and it could end up far more serious for her next victim

foreverondiet · 02/08/2012 19:31

She was a con artist and you got taken in. The lack of birth certificate should have rung serious alarm bells though - if you lose it you can always get a replacement.

However she was more messed up than a con artist, my inclination would be to change locks and go to the police and make a statement. Plus try and contact her parents and tell them what happened.

ratspeaker · 02/08/2012 19:41

AGiraffeOnTheDivingBoard hit the nail on the head

especially that these people dont have the same moral compass

It's like the scammers who send the emails or letters promising you have inherited money, or those that lurk on dating sites then need money for sudden hospital bill, visa, etc etc.

They lure you in, get YOU to empathise, ask for a little, get that, ask for more get that ,then take all that they can, leaving people poorer and broken hearted.
OP your treatment was different story but same tactics

Passmethecrisps · 02/08/2012 19:55

This "Everything that you did - your warmth and generosity and selflessness - are exactly as admirable now as they were before you knew this. Her being deceitful and conniving don't diminish by on iota what you did. " from jodie says it all.

I wouldn't be surprised f you were feeling a bit heartbroken actually. You really liked her and had a lovely time. I wonder f you are suffering as much for the loss of your friend than the financial cost.

I am a fan of letting the police decide what is criminal. If nothing criminal has actually happened they will, hopefully, at least take a note. It is possible that one day greed will make her slip up and a definite criminal act takes place.

Give yourself time to heal then move on. I doubt you will ever get the answers or the remorse you are looking for.

Penguinface · 02/08/2012 20:10

Thanks OP. Nothign to add that hasn't already been said. You sound like a good person, the kind of person that we all want to meet when we're down on our luck. You did a good thing and helped someone....andt tey turned out to be not what they said they were. Sad

FWIW, id go with evil con artist over MH issues, as I have also heard of similar sob story/cons/weird behaviour involving dead children. It's incredibly emotive, everyone would be synmpathetic and no-one would ever contracdict you. Great lie for a con artist.

I would also contact the police. I think there's been a crime here but let them decide. I imagine there's a file on her....and possibly her family! Info always helps the police.

For you, talk to Victim Support or someone who can help you work through it. In the end, you'll have to deal with it and move on.

All the best Smile

AGiraffeOnTheDivingBoard · 02/08/2012 20:29

Yes OP - I spent a long time feeling like I was stupid to believe the things I had been told. You weren't stupid. You were lied to. If you don't spend your time lying people it comes as a shock to discover there are some people out there who never tell the truth. It just wasn't on my radar to pick up constant lies - especially about such shocking things.

But remember the fault does not lie with you - it lies with the person who has sought to deceive you for their benefit. Many many people have been conned - financially and emotionally. Best thing you can do is move on with your life and don't let it eat you up any more.

Anyway - the Met Police have put together something called "little book of big scams" and they have advice on their website regarding various frauds - though could be more related to things like rogue builders etc. Might help you if you go to police and might help you realise you're not alone in being scammed.