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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to contact this girl for answers?

105 replies

MrsHannibal · 02/08/2012 15:39

This is bound to be long, sorry. Am regular but N/C for this.

6 months ago I went back to college to get my GCSE's. I met a girl there doing another course (I forget which) and we became friends quickly, I thought she was brilliant although it was clear she had some problems (home problems, and perhaps ADHD). She had 2 kids, a boy and a girl, who were living with their dad and was always showing me pictures of them. She was 18 so had had them very young.

It came up that she had nowhere to stay, her nan that she'd always lived with had died, and with her dad having died a few years back, and her mum not on the scene she had no family. I let her live with me, fed her, paid for everything for her as she had no money either. I tried to help her get on some kind of benefits, but we were unable to as she told me she has no birth certificate or NI number.

A couple months went by, we were having a good time although the financial strain on me was quite hard. I'd drop her to various places so she could go and see her kids, buy her what she needed etc. She moved her clothes and various but minimal belongings into my house.

She came home in tears one day, telling me her childrens father had got into a brawl, her little girl had got in the way and had a serious blow to the head. She was absolutely hysterical, i was heartbroken and sat up all night with her, the next day things worsened and she told me the girl passed away. I dropped her to a house she told me was the fathers house, and over the next few weeks missed college and work to support her. Gave her money for dresses for her and her daughter for the funeral and was generally an emotional mess myself.

But then, this happened: I received a message on facebook telling me this girl was not who I thought she was. Her name was actually different, she'd lied to them before about a girl being very ill, she didn't even have children and lived at home with her family with a link to her real facebook. I did some facebook snooping, horrified, and then looked through her stuff and found her birth certificate with her real name on (not the one she used with me).

When she came in I confronted her, and she just grabbed her stuff and ran out. Literally. That was it.

This was 2 months ago now, and I just have no clue where to go from here. I feel so violated. I can't understand why it happened, money? I didn't give her anything hefty, but if she's done it to other people maybe she does get a lot? Do I contact police? A hospital? Do I contact her? Her family through facebook? I'm still eaten up about it and feel SO SO stupid.

OP posts:
TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 02/08/2012 16:34

Please tell the police, they can stop this happening to somebody else Sad

Salmotrutta · 02/08/2012 16:37

I think this is quite tricky because you took her in voluntarily and paid for things voluntarily - can the police do anything unless she actively stole from you?

What actual law has she broken?

That's a genuine question by the way - it's not like these con-men who wheedle their way into old folks houses then steal jewellery or money from purses etc.

It's a real shame that your act of kindness has turned out so badly. Sad

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 16:38

I agree Sal not sure what laws have been broken.

Paiviaso · 02/08/2012 16:38

I also say chalk it up to experience; you will never find out "why." You sound a bit...too nice? Naive? I'm not sure what the word I'm looking for is.

There is no reason you should have been supporting a fully-functioning (as far as you knew) adult. I think the situation was inappropriate even before you found out she was lying.

I do think there is a difference between helping, and let someone walk all over you.

Inneedofbrandy · 02/08/2012 16:39

Please tell the police, what if she gets a job looking after the elderly ect and does 10x what she has done to you, this needs to be on her record. OP I feel so Sad for you for all this, how horrible.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/08/2012 16:39

Because, like I said, I know nothing of con artist tricks, and talk of dead children and carrying around pictures of random children doesn't seem a sane thing to do.

OP, it's understandable that you want to know why, but think about it. Would knowing why really make any difference? You are still unlikely to understand it properly because you know ou wouldnt do something like that. Try to think instead about what the whole thing has taught you. I'm a bit wishy washy with things like this and believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe the whole thing taught you something you needed to learn?

Olympia2012 · 02/08/2012 16:40

Laws broken? Ok, so tell us more about the birth certificates and false name

Olympia2012 · 02/08/2012 16:41

Op.... What did the rest if your family think of this? Partner? Dc? Friends?

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 02/08/2012 16:42

I would go to the police, she has obtained goods by deception at least? surely there is something they could do, if only to see if she does need professional help.

quietlysuggests · 02/08/2012 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummmsy · 02/08/2012 16:45

Valium no harm to you but mental health problems was one of the things I thought this behaviour could be attributed to. That is of course amongst the other things other posters have mentioned such as con artist, malicious etc.

I'm not sure why you're picking on the other poster quite so much

Original poster
MrsHannibal · 02/08/2012 16:46

As far as I know the college had her fake name as that's what everybody called her. She told me she had no birth certificate - so no NI number so she couldn't work- then I found the one with her real name.

FWIW, I don't think it's offensive that people think she may have MH problems, that's kind of what I cling to as I don't want to believe anyone in their right mind would or could do this. Especially since she used pictures of other peoples kids, and was in hysterics when the little girl 'died'.

Also - sorry to only add this now but there is a picture of her with the little girl - just one. All the pictures of the boy he was alone so not sure if she actually knows him but it worries me that she has contact with the little girl.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 02/08/2012 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsHannibal · 02/08/2012 16:50

I have no DC or partner - am pregnant. My DM met her, and thought she was lovely and felt for her as she seemed to be in such a helpless situation. She is absolutely gutted at how things have turned out, and thinks I should talk to the police.

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 02/08/2012 16:51

Im sorry op that this has happened to you. You sound like a good person. Fortunately theres not many people out there that do things like this, you were just unlucky. You have done nothing wrong, theres no reason for you to suspect she was anything other than what she said she was. Im sure i would of been taken in too. Put it down to experience and try not to let it taint your view of the world too much.

ratspeaker · 02/08/2012 16:52

You were very kind and trusting OP and its such a shame that someone so manipulative has taken advantage.

Next time think a wee bit, could someone from the UK really not have or get a birth certificate or national insurance number, especially someone who attends college and has had hospital treatment ( for the births )

If you contact her she will either ignore or have some glib explanation, you could be at risk of being sucked into her web again

Rest assured she will be feeling no guilt or remorse
Sadly, to a much lesser degree, i have come across people like her before

Noqontrol · 02/08/2012 16:52

No harm in contacting the police to see what they think.

quietlysuggests · 02/08/2012 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5Foot5 · 02/08/2012 16:58

Another one here thinks police.
I tend to think this sounds more like clever con than MH issues.
She will do this to someone else

Original poster
MrsHannibal · 02/08/2012 17:03

I just want to say - I'm really not a naïve person. I'm usually quite pessimistic and if I'm honest at first thought she was telling fairy stories, but she was such a good actress, and especially after her lies got more sinister I had to believe her or I felt like an evil cow.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 02/08/2012 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olympia2012 · 02/08/2012 17:07

You say you 'looked through her stuff and found a birth certificate'

Has she been back for this 'stuff'

Who contacted you on Facebook?

HecateHarshPants · 02/08/2012 17:10

What answer would you get? She took you for a ride. You won't get the apology and explanation you want and she likely won't care if you explain how it made you feel. At best you'll get a whiny range of excuses. At worst you'll get abuse. I understand you probably want 'closure', but sometimes you have to accept you aren't going to get that and find a way to make your peace with that.

Original poster
MrsHannibal · 02/08/2012 17:10

@quietly another past victim as she said the girl 'has told us stories that aren't true' and basically warned me off, I'm considering contacting her for more details. Tbh I'm a bit embarrassed about it.

@olympia she took some of her stuff, there's still clothes and some hair stuff at mine.

OP posts:
tartyflette · 02/08/2012 17:11

The police may be able to supply you with some answers, MrsH, so I'd talk to them for that reason alone. She may well be known to them already.
(although I would have been Hmm at the story of the very young child dying as a result of being caught up in a fight between adults -- that would surely have come to the attention of both the police and the press, local if not national. Because it sounded like a manslaughter charge could have been brought.)

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