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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to contact this girl for answers?

105 replies

MrsHannibal · 02/08/2012 15:39

This is bound to be long, sorry. Am regular but N/C for this.

6 months ago I went back to college to get my GCSE's. I met a girl there doing another course (I forget which) and we became friends quickly, I thought she was brilliant although it was clear she had some problems (home problems, and perhaps ADHD). She had 2 kids, a boy and a girl, who were living with their dad and was always showing me pictures of them. She was 18 so had had them very young.

It came up that she had nowhere to stay, her nan that she'd always lived with had died, and with her dad having died a few years back, and her mum not on the scene she had no family. I let her live with me, fed her, paid for everything for her as she had no money either. I tried to help her get on some kind of benefits, but we were unable to as she told me she has no birth certificate or NI number.

A couple months went by, we were having a good time although the financial strain on me was quite hard. I'd drop her to various places so she could go and see her kids, buy her what she needed etc. She moved her clothes and various but minimal belongings into my house.

She came home in tears one day, telling me her childrens father had got into a brawl, her little girl had got in the way and had a serious blow to the head. She was absolutely hysterical, i was heartbroken and sat up all night with her, the next day things worsened and she told me the girl passed away. I dropped her to a house she told me was the fathers house, and over the next few weeks missed college and work to support her. Gave her money for dresses for her and her daughter for the funeral and was generally an emotional mess myself.

But then, this happened: I received a message on facebook telling me this girl was not who I thought she was. Her name was actually different, she'd lied to them before about a girl being very ill, she didn't even have children and lived at home with her family with a link to her real facebook. I did some facebook snooping, horrified, and then looked through her stuff and found her birth certificate with her real name on (not the one she used with me).

When she came in I confronted her, and she just grabbed her stuff and ran out. Literally. That was it.

This was 2 months ago now, and I just have no clue where to go from here. I feel so violated. I can't understand why it happened, money? I didn't give her anything hefty, but if she's done it to other people maybe she does get a lot? Do I contact police? A hospital? Do I contact her? Her family through facebook? I'm still eaten up about it and feel SO SO stupid.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 15:42

You pick yourself up and chalk it up to experience. You won't be the first and sadly not the last to be had over. Don't expect any answers from her as she obviously has severe problems. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

osterleymama · 02/08/2012 15:48

This girl clearly has deep psychological problems, she's not well. I understand your feelings of frustration and betrayal but I don't think anything good can come of perusing her for explanations and answers. There is no possible good reason for her behaviour and nothing she could say would make you feel better.

At the end of the day, you were kind to someone who you believed needed your help, you have nothing to be ashamed of in that. You also have no need to feel stupid, you had no reason to think this girl was lying because the lies were things nobody would suspect (because why on earth would anyone make make that up?!)

The only reason I can think of for contacting her family is to let them know she needs help. Whether that's a good idea depends on the family and how supportive they would be. If it were me would also let anyone with children she might be in contact with know for safeguarding reasons.

mrsbugsywugsy · 02/08/2012 15:48

You poor thing, you sound like such a kindhearted person. Please don't feel stupid, you had no reason to suspect she was lying.

It sounds to me like she has mental health problems and was not acting from malice. I am sure your kindness and trust will have helped her in some way, even though things were not as they seemed.

Olympia2012 · 02/08/2012 15:55

Did she have a birth cert or not? You say not then mention one you have seen

How did she keep that lie going and not trip herself up a million times over? I wouldn't be so quick to assume mental health issues either.... Some people are just out for what they can get

NarkedRaspberry · 02/08/2012 15:56

It's the RL version of what some people do on here. They are screwed up people who feed on the attention and the drama.

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 15:56

Hang on a minute, she might just be a complete chancer and could be acting from malice, we have no idea, it doesn't automatically follow she has MH problems!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/08/2012 15:57

Don't feel stupid, you did a kind thing and tried to be a good friend, which you were. This girl is clearly very messed up and has severe mental health issues.

You need put it down to experience. You can't change anything now and you certainly shouldn't be trying to change yourself.

Olympia2012 · 02/08/2012 15:58

severe mental health problems

Tell us more.....

Olympia2012 · 02/08/2012 15:59

issues not problems

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 15:59

Gave her money for dresses for her and her daughter for the funeral and was generally an emotional mess myself

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 16:00

sorry posted too soon - why do you assume she has sever MH problems - she just sounds like a chancing cow who is in it for what she can get.

Some people do horrible things this does't always mean they have MH problems.

mrsbugsywugsy · 02/08/2012 16:01

maybe not, but her behaviour doesn't actually make much sense if she was just after money. She didn't steal from the OP despite presumably having the opportunity, and making up a story about her daughter dying would to me suggest that she has some underlying problems.

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2012 16:03

Could she not just be a very clever con artist?
Why assume mental health issues?

And OP - you are clearly a kind person. Don't beat yourself up - she was clearly very clever and very manipulative. I should think you weren't the first to be fooled and you won't be the last.

Olympia2012 · 02/08/2012 16:03

A dying child is a classic manipulation tool..

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 16:04

Her behaviour makes perfect sense, she managed to con the OP out of money.

KickTheGuru · 02/08/2012 16:04

I would go to the police and report her. They may have a bunch of other reports about her and is she does have MH issues, then this can be the first step to helping her.

I think she will escalate and it's something that she has done before and will do again.

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 16:04

It is Olympia

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/08/2012 16:05

Maybe I shouldn't make the assumption that there are MH problems, but lying about dead children and carrying their pictures and crying about them suggests more than malice to me.

I suppose, rightly or wrongly, it's easier to believe that there are MH issues that could be treated than to believe that people that seem like nice regular people are actually hiding that level of vindictiveness.

cfc · 02/08/2012 16:05

Looks like you were the intended victim of a scam by this cow.

Who sent you the msg re her past? Contact them for details, not the girl. She's more than likely not going to tell you the truth is she?

gothicangel · 02/08/2012 16:05

op you sound like a wonderful kind hearted person,

Hugs xx

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 16:06

It's an absolute classic outraged you only have to look on forums to see that, happens all the time.

osterleymama · 02/08/2012 16:07

A clever con artist would have bigger fish to fry. Who in their right mind would live a complicated lie and leave home to live with someone from college for he sake of some free clothes and a rent free room in someone else's house. It seems to me her aim was to extract constant attention and a sense of being taken care of.

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 16:08

but by doing that you are insulting people with MH problems, do you not see that? People with MH are usually very nice people, con artists are usually not.

valiumredhead · 02/08/2012 16:10

A clever con artist would have bigger fish to fry

Slowly slowy catches monkey, start small and who knows where it will end?

OP, you sound like a lovely person and it's sad that you got involved with this person, she sounds a nasty bit of work. Onwards and upwards :)

KickTheGuru · 02/08/2012 16:11

She would have carried the con on for a bit longer had she not been found out.

Who knows the actual level this lie would have escalated to had the OP not been warned?

Perhaps she has normally conned people out of a lot more money, hurt them, destroyed lives and moved on? We don't know because OP has thankfully been saved from whatever may have occurred.

Perhaps this was the "bigger fish" to fry but she was forced to bail?

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