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AIBU?

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Original poster

to ground 16 yo unless she washes dishes..just her own?

52 replies

omfgkillmenow · 01/08/2012 23:13

My DD refuses point blank to wash dishes. Nothing on this earth will make her do it. Apparently its disgusting not will she empty a bin. Now i had a dishwasher but it broke down ages ago and I haven't been able to replace it. I had a chat with DD ages ago about how unfair she was being stacking dishes up in her room then bringing them down and dumping them in the sink for me to wash. SO much so that I banned her from using glasses and told her to use a refillable sports bottle which she had been doing but obviously has lapsed. Now the last straw is I had a mickey d glass i was saving on top of cupboard for friend who collects them and she took it down opened it and left it lying dirty packaging not even in bin. her mickey d glass was there just needing rinsed as she drinks same juice all the time but she was too lazy also there were 4 other clean tumblers in the cupboard. I called her raging and told her to come home she was grounded for being a thief. now shes sending me nasty messages saying shes scared of me, is it safe to come home, will i attack her i am so so upset she wont consider anyone else for 1 second then screams at me if i leave the window open or lots of other things. she is so so selfish and making my life a misery...

OP posts:
GreenGoldSilverAndBronzeShadow · 01/08/2012 23:20

Sorry, but if you can't make her help with the washing up, how are you going to manage to ground her. Sounds like she does what she wants and gets away with it.
Not sure what a mickey d glass is.

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2012 23:28

She doesn't wash up, you don't wash, iron or cook for her.

The rest of it sounds weird to be honest.

manticlimactic · 01/08/2012 23:39

What NannyOgg said. Don't do things for her - works in this house.

My DD (16) can be v. selfish on occasions. But if she ever sent me nasty messages when she came home she wouldn't be able to again. The phone would be gone and she knows it. But then you did call her a thief - that was a bit much really wasn't it?

Sometimes you have to pick your battles (as my ex - her father has yet to realise).

squeakytoy · 01/08/2012 23:40

My stepdaughter did this to me .. once.

She left all the dirty plates and cups from her room piled up by the sink for me to wash..

She came home that night with a new bloke in tow.. to find all the dirty plates and cups, and their mouldy contents, nicely splattered all over her bed.

She didnt do it again.

I also got severely pissed off with the number of glasses that arrived in the house (living opposite the local pub meant that stepkids and their mates came home quite often clutching half their drinks).. so ALL glasses were returned to the pub and in a fit of PMT I gave away all the plates and dishes too to the charity shop, and bought a stack of paper plates...

piprabbit · 01/08/2012 23:42
Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 01/08/2012 23:46

shes came home crying we have had a big row she told me that yes she is a diva and i should accept her for who she is and i am a horrible mum because i leave the lights on and moths get in and i dont chastise her wee sis 8 who leaces dirty dishes too and its all my fault and her bed isnt dry i said there is pleanty of clean sheets but she wont take any that might have been on someone elses bed shes up there crying her heart out and she doesnt get treated like this at ther dads and she can use a clean glass every time and she will move out as soon as she can I said I just want you to wash your own glass stop leaving dirtly glasses for me all the time that are caked in lipstick but its your job she says your the mum shes screaming at me turning it all round to say I am so so horrible and awful and not being a proper mum i am crying now so so upset

OP posts:
griphook · 01/08/2012 23:48

My ss did this, in the end it resulted on me refusing to cook for him because he couldn't be bothered to wash up. I also stopped washing his clothes or ironing them. They would just stay in the bottom of the basket. He didn't seem to bothered to start with then clothes started to run out. The thing is I can be quite stubborn and once I've made a choice I stick to it. Ive never washed a scrap of his clothing since

larks35 · 01/08/2012 23:48

Is it just you and her?

My advice is to decide yourself what you want her to do/contribute and then talk it through with her. If she refuses to help in household then explain that you will not be cooking, cleaning, washing etc for her. Follow this through.

Ro accuse her of stealing the glass is over-reacting IMO and at 16 she will top your over-reaction 10-fold, as she has proved. Try not to go to her level, there is no way back once you do. Be level-headed, non-confrontational and be yourself. She'll come round I'm sure but you'll have to bite your tongue a few times I reckon.

griphook · 01/08/2012 23:50

Don't cry, she just manipulating you.

You know your are right to get her to wash her glass. It not that much to ask, it's not like you've asked her to clean the toilet

squeakytoy · 01/08/2012 23:51

what is your relationship with her dad like? can he be roped in to tell her she has to behave more like a young adult than a spoilt child?

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 01/08/2012 23:54

she does her own ironing I cook for her when she lets me know shes gonna be in which isnt often. i cant take her phone cos her dad pays her contract, the only thing i could reasonable do is take her sky card and disable the wi fi but that could mean me and her sis dont have it either its always like this in school hols the mess is everywhere and she just refuses point blank because its dirty same with the toilet heaven forbit her wee sister leaves a tinkle on the seat she screams and screams I have to come no matter what I am doing because its so disgustingly filthy this is from the same girl who leaves dirty knickers for me with the used fanny pads still attached

OP posts:
piprabbit · 01/08/2012 23:54

If she doesn't want to help you by co-operating, try suggesting that these are all useful life-skills which she will need when she leaves home. Tell her you are in fact helping her to help herself.

It may not make much difference, but it might just change habitual arguments it seems that you both fall into.

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 01/08/2012 23:55

her dad is extremely wealthy has a cleaner and a big house

OP posts:
OhLimpPricks · 01/08/2012 23:57

Who is paying for the phone that she texts on? That will be far more effective than grounding her. If she bitches that her 8 year old sister gets an easy ride then point out that she has a lot more freedom than an 8 year old. Does she want to have the same restrictions as her sis? Go to bed early? Little or no pocket money? You have to be cruel to be kind here. What happens when she has her own place? She has to learn to take some responsibility for her actions.

Inneedofbrandy · 01/08/2012 23:58

I would strip her room bare and take away all makeup hair straightners ect and so what if dad pays the bills your house your rules. Just because she demands you to do domething it does not mean you have to! No offense OP but what a spoilt cow.

yellowraincoat · 01/08/2012 23:59

griphook "it's not like you've asked her to clean a toilet."

Are you serious? By 14, I was doing EVERYTHING in the house. Not on my own, but if I'd said "eugh, I'm not cleaning a toilet" my mum would have laughed her head off at me (and then locked me in the bathroom til it was done.)

Some of these mollycoddled kids, I really despair.

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 01/08/2012 23:59

I have 2 jobs both minimum wage and I am doing a college course to try to improve my prospects so I am very very busy plus I have her wee sister to look after I'm so tired all the time I know its down to tiredness that I called ther a thief but i just dont have the time to be running about after her

OP posts:
OhLimpPricks · 02/08/2012 00:00

You can set the wifi so it is password protected. Just don't give her the password. If you and her sis and her share a pc, have different password protected accounts too.

squeakytoy · 02/08/2012 00:00

wealthy and a cleaner aside though, do you have enough of a relationship with him to get him to tell her to change her attitude.. you are her mother, not a cleaner or housekeeper..

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 02/08/2012 00:00

I'd put her in a taxi to her Dad's if he's so bloody wonderful.

How long have you been putting up with this kind of shit for? Honest to god she'd last 5 minutes here with an attitude like that. I don't take that kind of crap from kids.

nailak · 02/08/2012 00:02

When I was that age I felt that I was expected to help with everyone's mess or needs in the house and it was all part of being a family, but when it came to my mess and needs I was told I was selfish and lazy if I expected others to help.

piprabbit · 02/08/2012 00:02

Does she scream when she finds wee on the toilet seat at her dad's house? Does she leave used sanitary towels in her underwear for her dad or the maid to deal with?

If she can summon up enough respect to behave reasonably at her dad's, then she is actively choosing to disrespect you and your rules. She seems to be confusing "mum" with "skivvy" and you need to put her right sharpish.

SkinnedAlive · 02/08/2012 00:05

Feel really bad for you OP. I can see you are upset, however I don't think you are doing your daughter any favours by letting her treat you like a doormat. Her dad certainly would not be taking her knickers for washing with fanny pad left attached Shock. Employers in the future will not stand for her behaving this way either. Adult life will be a traumatic shock if she does not understand what the word 'no' means. You do need to start treating her like an adult not a 5 year old. Screaming is not acceptable neither is disrespecting you in the countless ways she seems to be doing. Hope you get it sorted out soon.

Inneedofbrandy · 02/08/2012 00:07

Maybe you should be packed off to her dads for a few weeks to realise how lucky she is to have a mum whos her own personal bottem wiper and give you a break.
Basically the more you pander to her and give in the more she will demand off you, she is not the boss tell her to ship up or ship out.

Inneedofbrandy · 02/08/2012 00:07

Maybe she should I mean argh