to ground 16 yo unless she washes dishes..just her own?

[omfgkillmenow]

My DD refuses point blank to wash dishes. Nothing on this earth will make her do it. Apparently its disgusting not will she empty a bin. Now i had a dishwasher but it broke down ages ago and I haven't been able to replace it. I had a chat with DD ages ago about how unfair she was being stacking dishes up in her room then bringing them down and dumping them in the sink for me to wash. SO much so that I banned her from using glasses and told her to use a refillable sports bottle which she had been doing but obviously has lapsed. Now the last straw is I had a mickey d glass i was saving on top of cupboard for friend who collects them and she took it down opened it and left it lying dirty packaging not even in bin. her mickey d glass was there just needing rinsed as she drinks same juice all the time but she was too lazy also there were 4 other clean tumblers in the cupboard. I called her raging and told her to come home she was grounded for being a thief. now shes sending me nasty messages saying shes scared of me, is it safe to come home, will i attack her i am so so upset she wont consider anyone else for 1 second then screams at me if i leave the window open or lots of other things. she is so so selfish and making my life a misery...

I'm really sorry you're having such a difficult time. For what it's worth, I have 2 DS of my own but work with stroppy teenage girls all day, so understand a little of what you are experiencing.

Whether she recognises it or not, your daughter is testing you, just as a toddler does, and measuring her self respect by the respect she has for you. Let her respect you by being in control. Sending her away just says you can't deal with things, and you can.

Decide what you want her boundaries to be and tell her, very calmly. She will have a tantrum, but don't get drawn in to hysterics. Just keep repeating your rules, in a calm, firm voice. I find it helps to imagine you are an actress playing the part of a calm parent! Use toddler style praise and sanctions "thank you for putting your laundry away" and "if you leave any more dirty cups in your room, I will stop buying juice, you'll have to have tap water"

Repeat daily until it works - it will, I promise!

Can I suggest you watch this? www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/get-kids-to-listen-video-training-module
It has great suggestions for giving young people freedom to make choices, but also as the adult retaining the right to determine adverse consequences for poor choices. Your daughter is not a baby and you do her no favours by treating her like one, she will soon be an adult and need to fend for herself.
The technique is to sit down and have a discussion along these lines
"I've noticed we are having an issue with ...... (not "you always" or "you never") "in the future I expect" (discussion about what contribution is reasonable to expect her to make to household chores, cleaning up her own mess would just be the start if it were me) "if you choose not to follow these rules the consequences will be..." then if she chooses not to cooperate calmly follow through with the consequence. No shouting or name calling - you are the adult here. If she has a tantrum leave her to it, but don't be swayed.
Glad I saw the thread - I've made sure my 5 yr old has made a positive contribution to the household today - don't ever want to be the mother of a spoilt brat that expects to be waited on!