to ground 16 yo unless she washes dishes..just her own?

[omfgkillmenow]

My DD refuses point blank to wash dishes. Nothing on this earth will make her do it. Apparently its disgusting not will she empty a bin. Now i had a dishwasher but it broke down ages ago and I haven't been able to replace it. I had a chat with DD ages ago about how unfair she was being stacking dishes up in her room then bringing them down and dumping them in the sink for me to wash. SO much so that I banned her from using glasses and told her to use a refillable sports bottle which she had been doing but obviously has lapsed. Now the last straw is I had a mickey d glass i was saving on top of cupboard for friend who collects them and she took it down opened it and left it lying dirty packaging not even in bin. her mickey d glass was there just needing rinsed as she drinks same juice all the time but she was too lazy also there were 4 other clean tumblers in the cupboard. I called her raging and told her to come home she was grounded for being a thief. now shes sending me nasty messages saying shes scared of me, is it safe to come home, will i attack her i am so so upset she wont consider anyone else for 1 second then screams at me if i leave the window open or lots of other things. she is so so selfish and making my life a misery...

Thanks Ive calmed down a bit now. Her dad and me don't get on at all. She used to be much better but she has been studying for highers and her dad paid for a tutor and thats when things really kicked off. Her tutor was a twentysomething female grad student, but DD refused to take her up to her room so me and DD2 had to go out twice a week so she could have time with her tutor. I would understand if tutor was a man but she said it was creepy taking tutor to her room. I know she was under alot of exam stress and i wanted her to do well so i let her off with a lot of stuff round the house, now trying to get her to help again is a nightmare. term time is ok because its not so bad shes not in to make a mess and it really is just the dirty dishes but its like there are two adult females in the house and she is trying for dominance and her dad and i do not talk at all so he is no help. she has got a part time job in a cafe but she doesnt do the dishes she just serves at the till and because she is beautiful and can be charming all the young boys that work there run around after her emptying her bins etc shes got them all wrapped round her little finger. sometimes she can be so lovely and thoughful but I am seeing it less and less she gets EMA, a generous allowance from dad and now wages too so really she doesnt need me for anything except to run her about and as she has a few pals now who can drive she doesnt really rely on me for that much any more so she really can say or do what she likes with no real consequenses

She has trapped you into thinking she can do what she likes. If you packed her bag and sent her to her dad she would tire of it very quickly I am sure. A cafe wage would not rent her a nice flat or even a room if you and her dad told her she couldn't stay due to her behaviour. The boys at the cafe will eventually tire of being played off against each other and there will be another more beautiful face around sooner or later. That's life. Its not going to go all her own way all the time. I have seen few spoilt, unpleasant people that have been truly happy in life. The way she sounds she is not a very nice person, but I suspect that applies only to you. I find that very sad. You are her mother not her skivvy and yes, it will be very hard to change the way she behaves towards you and gain some respect and kindness in your own home, but well worth it in the long term.

Im going to sound really harsh now OP but it is your job to bring her up and parent her to a happy well adjusted adult and you need to do your job. You need to get firm and stop letting her take the piss, at the same time try some family time once a fortnight and look for the postives in her get her to give you manis and pedis so you all enjoy each others company.

The problem basically boils down to this. She sees me as a lower class person and identifies with her dad who is a company director. She is embarrassed by our house, my asda clothes, my 10 year old car. Her dad drives a top of the range BMW and is alays pumping it into her that she is a "Smith" (not smith obviously but one of the family) deserving of all the best and me and her sis are basically the proletariat to be looked down upon. This never used to be the case, but she is basically a snob and is a spoilt brat by her dad. I know her dad would have her in an instant but her stepmum would have a hairy fit. She will have a job for life at her dads company. I'm better educated than her dad but because I have been a sahm at his request I have missed out on a career as such. I left himbecause he was trying to make me something i wasnt only wanted me to socialise with certain people (ie snobby people) and Im from a blue collar family and felt like a fish out of water in his world. My DD is totally of his world, and Im just not good enough for her.

I did take her and her little sis out for lunch today but of course it was only sainsburys cafe as my purse wont stretch to the places she goes with dad. I do try to have mummy daughter time and I love her so very much and dont want her to leave. she can be so caring and loving but that side of her seems to be slipping away and I feel like I am losing her. She is changing and its not for the better and I dont know waht to do. so

I cannot even comprehend how bad you must feel if you dont feel good enough for your daughter. Think you should send her to her dads and let her stepmum have her fit make her feel unwelcome and shit and realise how lovely her mum is.
I think OP you should find something that makes you happy and do it even if its just a afternoon a week mooching about in the bath reading with a empty house.

Maybe take her to a soup kitchen so she realises how lucky she is! Or Africa to volunteer!

For Goodness sake.You are the adult.Act like it and command some respect from this 16 year old brat.I don't feel sorry for you at all but hope that you can find a way to resolve this.You've had lots of good advice from M'snetters.Take it.Don't let a child intimidate you.Good luck.

She's seriously taking the piss out of you op, can you not ship her off to her dads? At 16 I was doing all the housework while my mother worked.....

Thank you for all the good advice. I should really send her to her dads, but I dont want to give her the message that I don't want her. I really really love her and I miss her. My mum's bf threw me out when I was 17 (not because I was in any way a diva but that is a long horrible story that this isn't the place for) but I remember how awful it was, i had no where to go i lived in my car. I don't want her to think that she is unwanted when she is loved so much. She certainly has plenty of places to go, dads, grans, aunties, but if I chuck her out of her home surely that would ruin our relationship for ever.

I am also having problems with her wee sis at the moment which is a whole different issue, because of what is happening with the neighbours. I am going to start a new thread about that I think, but she is referring to her wee sis as "the golden child" and obviously there are jealousy issues there. Ill put the new thread in chat, I would be grateful for advice there too,

In fact will put the new thread in lone parents

I agree it's time she went and spent some time at Daddy's house. He's only thrilled with her because she doesn't live there full time.
Tell her it's her time to be with Dad as she's so unhappy at home with you and little sis. She can't live on her looks forever, beauty really is only skin deep.

She doesn't really want to go to dads as in a different town and no social life as she doesn't know anyone. Dad has private road and she gets to practice driving which is a big pull but her ans stepmum have a fragile relationship as stepmum has this "quality of life" thing going on, DD isnt allowed to keep her shampoo in shower or anything even tho they use ensuite and not same shower room. Stepmum wont let her keep many clothes there, just one change. Her dads is very regimented, which she seems to like and spic and span like a showhome, my home is clean, but you know a home... stepmum is def the new money type and DD does feel unwelcome to a point, that is welcome in short doses but she would not be welcome on full time basis (by step mum, sure dad would love her there, and I dont think that stepmum is really nasty just used to her sterile lifestyle, stepmum dose have dd of own but she lived with her dad after breakup from age 14) and really there must be some middle ground i just need to find it. Point is that this is my babys home and she is being a shit to me and i get mad but only lasts short while because she is my baby and if shes not welcome here, warts and all then what kind of muma am i?

Ive ordered a new dishwasher out the catalog, take me a year to pay it off but maybe will help...

Is there any household chore that she will do/tolerate? Is she good at Ironing? I know I had a friend who's teen Dd was a total diva and hated everything to do with keeping house. Finally they agreed on her doing the ironing for everyone in the house and in return she didn't have to do dishes or clean the toilet. Turns out she was brilliant and fussy with the ironing, and happy to do it all while listening to her music every Sunday afternoon for years!

yes california, that is a great idea, she is so fussy with her clothes, will give her laundry as her chore!

I agree, send her to dad's for the rest of the holidays.

You need to put your foot down. I don't think ordering a dishwasher you can't afford it helpful, it just reinforces to her that she can get her own way when ever she has a tantrum. If you don't sort this now then how on earth is she going to cope in the real world?

My SD is 15, she gets pocket money and I expect her to do this dishes. 2 months before her 15th birthday I gave her a list of jobs I expect her to do, if she did them without having to be nagged her pocket money would go up. The jobs were minor, as well as dishes she has to empty the bins upstairs, Hoover her room and iron her own clothes. She lives with mum but with us a lot but even so not a huge amount to do. She didn't do the jobs so pocket money didn't go up. She now has to Xmas to prove she deserves her pocket money going up and she is doing her jobs more - still battling on keeping her room tidy!

When I got together with DH she was a totally different child, no discipline,rude,got everything she wanted, didn't work hard at school and both parents let this happen. Luckily both DH and SDs mum are happy with my input and thrilled with the change in her. She knows if I say something g I mean it. Also along with the discipline she gets little treats for exceptional school reports or behaviour at home. My point with all that is that it may not be too late to change this. You need to set up some ground rules and what will happen if she doesn't follow them- and stick to it. She will soon realise that you mean it.

Yes she may say she is going to her dads but I bet it wont be for long if she does. It may be a good thing as she will realise how good she has it with you.

kick her out

I really don't agree with the posters who are saying you need to kick her out, this sends a message that your willing to just give up on her.

Put it into perspective, the housework and attitude problem is run of the mill teenager stuff. Its not like she's beating people up and snorting coke in front of her sister is it? (hopefully)

this is what i would do;

-stop competing with her dad or even trying to compare yourself. you left him for a genuine reason because you want to be different from him. Love and care speak more volumes than material stuff.

-write a list of all the household chores that need to be done on a weekly/daily basis. then give her a choice of them all that she would like to do to help you out. by giving her a choice you are giving her a bit of power back. your quite obviously in a power struggle, by telling her she must chose from the list your the authority but by her chosing she Will feel you respect her and trust her to do it.

-go back to toddler style rewards / discipline.

introduce a reward system, for example if she has done all of her chores and been respectful towards you and her sister for the whole week you and her have a girly day/night. with pizza, face packs and a chick flick.

In the same breathe you need discipline, pick your battles. There is no point shouting, screaming and nasty text messages in the heat of the moment. take back control, have a strike system so if she forgets or misses a job remind her in a nice way that Will be one strike if she still does not get it done by the end of that day then she loses a privilege - so no tv, laptop, internet, friends round for one day. the more strikes she gets the more she loses.

The most important thing with getting back the control is remaining calm yourself, the second you lose it she has won the battle. do everything in a matter of fact this is my house my rules kind of way. avoid shouting at her when she doesn't do something, just give the strike and leave it at that.

-i think if you get her little sister involved in helping it may help her see she is an equal in the family, an 8 year old can gather washing or do some dusting. this Will help set foundations with the little one so she knows that she Will do chores.

• do you trust your dd with her younger sister? it may be nice for them to do some bonding to get that relationship back on track. can they go swimming g together or even just spend the day at home whilst you do some shopping?

Sorry for the essay i hope something gives for you it doesn't sound much fun at the minute.

Don't kick her out.

Do tell her that you are sorry you over-reacted by calling her a thief, but the way she is treating you and the family home is disrespectful.

Does she want to go to University? Move out and live alone at some point?

Then she has to learn to do X, Y and Z.

Have chores, explain what will happen if she doesn't do them.

(I would say no internet and sky - you don't have to stop them completely just change the passwords)

Explain that because she doesn't do these things normally you are getting cross with her, and that everyone doing there bit will make the house a much happier place.

Oh, give your younger child some chores too. It will seem more fair.

I have a 16yr old DS, and DD's (6&3). I totally understand what you are going through.

I totally agree with setting limits calmly, using toddler style rewards and sanctions.

My rewards tend to be film nights (without the girls, so not restricted to Disney!) foods that that the little ones won't eat, alcohol free cider, playing x-box with him (aaaagggghhh). Sanctions are limiting phone top-ups, online time restricted, refusing to give lifts (we live rurally, so not grounded, he just has to use his legs/pocket money to get places).

You can set passwords and time limits on most routers, so it even limits time spent on iPods etc.

If he leaves dirty clothes/towels lying around, they end up on his bed, if he leaves school stuff etc lying around, they end up on his bed. His room is his responsibility, usually it is a pigstye, but occasionally he tidies and hoovers! He has been taught how to use the dishwasher and washing machine, and does so occasionally. If he wants to cook for himself aside from the meals I cook, he tidies up after himself, though he is still crap at dealing with breadcrumbs and sugar on the side. He can and very occasionally does clean the bathroom, he walks the dog most days.

A year ago he refused to do anything, had temper tantrums in massive proportions which included throwing mainly his belongings around and smashing things up. He was vile. I was angry and digging my heals in. Learning to pick battles is absolutly vital. Fighting them in a calm and mature way is the way to win.

I would suggest laying out your reasonable requests of her behaviour while she is living with you (washing her own dishes that are not part of a family meal, putting her laundry in the basket, minus dirty sanitary products, if she would like you to wash them, or do it herself, take a turn at cooking, take a turn at specific cleaning jobs - you sound as busy as me, so a rota might be a good idea? And anything else that you think would be reasonable).

Give her the option to comply with these, if she is not happy with it then she is welcome to go and live at her dad's -her choice, not you chucking her out- and would be welcome back at any time, but she would still be expected to live by your rules. Make it clear that if she says she is going to stay with you but doesn't actually get her arse into gear, she is effectively telling you that she has chosen to live with her dad, and you will take her there, or get him to come and collect her (whichever is easiest for you).

I suspect you may have a screaming fit from her, but if you stay calm and stick by it you may get a few days/weeks(?) peace until she has had enough of step mum, or step mum has had enough of her!

Good luck, and let us know how you get on

dear me, man up OP. YOu are building a narcissist - as if narcissism isn't currently rampant in young people already...

You don't vacate the house because she's having a princess trantrum for goodness sake. she's not a princess, even though she thinks she is. All this 'I love her so very much' business - then give her proper guidelines if you love her so much. it sounds as if you need her to love you - you've got to be her parent and parent her in what is and what isn't acceptable. Stand firm, don't sway in the onslaught of tantrums. Stand straight and tall (and please don't get into shrieking and crying!)

I know the suddenly there are two queens in the house and your teenage 'd'd is vying for supremacy because I've had it. BOUNDARIES are in order here. Don't scream and shout, make statements. Use sending her to her father's for a period of time as a threat - and mean it . You have a chance to help her develop into a well-rounded young woman, don't blow it, along with her dad's proletariat shit, by giving her precisely what she wants.

I despair that you're buying a dishwasher to circumnavigate her laziness

this is going to get worse, you do realise that? you have a window of opportunity here - use it

I think you don't cook for her. Everyone has to pull thier weight, it's only fair. Sit down with her and get her to decide which nights she is going to do which jobs - hoovering, washing up, cooking, etc,