To never take my dd out in public again.

[greenwichgroove]

In the loos today and dd shouts there's no loo roll.

I tell her she will have to manage as I was in next cubicle and none in mine either. She's says she will have to shake. She started singing a tune (to the tune sheldon in big bang theory sings in the bongo episode for those who know)

"There's no toilet roll so mummy shakes her booty" really loudly"

I walk out of cubicle to a queue of people we hadn't heard come in

Please tell me your children have embarassed you more..

my DS says to every person with a bit of a belly 'hello barbar' he is referring to barbar the elephant although i hope they dont realise this!

also we were in the local chip shop at tea-time when my niece was about 4 and she announced in front of everyone 'mummy dont kiss me your breath stinks'

I was in the public loo with my three year DS when he said, in a very loud voice, don't forget to wipe your fur Mummy!

Cringe!!!

. CAn't wait till mine can talk!

Service station loo with 3 yr old dd. "mummy the lady next door is having a huge poo.Can you hear it? " I felt that poor womans arse cheeks clench .

We recently stopped at the service station on a long journey to get something to eat. Dh waited in the queue whilst I sat with ds. The people serving were incredibly incredibly slow. I made the error of mentioning this to ds (3.1) who went and joined his dad in the queue. When they got to the front I could hear ds loudly and clearly saying 'you're painfully slow aren't you,' to the people who were serving.
I think they may have spat in our food.

Other highlights include telling a random stranger ina restaurant that he had just had a poo and it looked like a 'big brown cucumber,' and running up behind a man in a wheelchair and shouting 'can't catch me slow coach!' he was only about two and a half when he did this and I think he thought the wheelchair was some sort of car or ride because he later asked for a go in one!

'Mummy why did you wee standing up?' Reeeeally loudly when we're in skanky public toilets where I'd rather hover than sit on the seat (makes me paranoid as I have a shaved head and always think people will think I'm a man sneaking into the ladies!

And of course:

'Mummy, where's your willy?/why haven't you got a willy?/why have you got hair there?/is your willy hiding?' , a loud combination of two or more of these questions.

DS2 is 3 years old, obsessed with genitals and toilet habits and has a VERY loud voice! We were having a lovely day out last week when he suddenly piped up (in front of lots of people) 'my willy is blue, is your willy blue or pink?' WTAF?!!

I was in hospital last week and mum brought dd to see me,she walked in and picked up one of those wee bowls you put in the toilet for the samples and said VVERY LOUDLY....

MUMMY IS THIS YOUR POTTY??? YOU NEED A POO. MUMMY??? POO???

delightful child. everyone sniggered at me,

dd during toilet training/chart stage very loudy in public toilets - "well done Mummy - you can have a BIG sticker for such a BIG wee!!"

ds - at supermarket checkout "oh no mummy - look, I have given that man my chicken pox" Me - "shh, ds". ds (louder) - "but I have - look at all his spots!" -then to said boy "don't you dare pick them - they will scar you know!"

I felt so sorry for acne covered checkout boy (& me)

Whenever DD and I go in a public toilet together - every single sodding time - she asks loudly 'why do you have a hairy bottom mummy?' Honestly, I'm so close to getting a Hollywood

DD 3 was shuffling about in church, clearly bored during a particularly long and it has to be said boring sermon.

Pointing out the newly restored roof I was desperately trying to distract her by showing her the carved angels, her dulcit tones rang out...

" I got angels on my knickers....LOOK!!!!! "

"Indeed you have young lady,very pretty!" said kind old man next to her, as congregation dissolved around her & I tried to sink into the floor.

This is the funniest thread i have read ever!!! :)

Sitting chatting with a (fortunately very close) friend with my then 3yr old DS trying to talk to me, like a good mummy I ignore him in an attempt to teach him not to interrupt when people are talking. After several minutes his frustration is evidently growing because he says, in his bestest clearest voice, "Mummy, I am getting very fuck off with you!"

Can't imagine where he heard such language!

In tears at this thread, good work MNers

In Pizza Express with a couple of other families and their sons (who are friends of DS's). I head off down the stairs to the loo, very crowed stairs, I might add as a party of about a dozen try to make their way up the stairs, while DS stands at the top and belows "are you going for a wee or a poo mummy? A WEE OR A POO MUMMY? MUMMY, A WEE OR A POO?"

These always cheer me up. I haven't had any of these yet from my own DCs but I love the story from DSS - he was in a loo with DH and shouted "daddy why do you have a HUGE willy when I only have a little willy?" He is still known as Lxxx Little Willy occasionally...

BTW Greenwich my DD is starting to love BBT as well :o

I just remembered a story late DM told anyone who'd listen me. Apparently it was Palm Sunday, and the service was very long. I was 3 or 4, and getting fidgety, bored and hungry. During a quiet moment in proceedings, I am told I said, in a clear loud voice, "bloody hell this is boring, can we go home now?". Mum, a devout RC woman all her life, may have been willing to sell me that day, I would guess!

DS is 3 1/2. We don't get on well with churches, apparently:

1. During hymns: "No Mummy, don't sing! No Mummy, not yooooou!"
2. Trying to set good example by closing my eyes during prayers: "Wake up Mummy! Cock-a-doodle-doo Mummy! Wake up!" (where's the 'mortified/crawling under a rock' emoticon?

I was taking DS to nursery on very crowded public transport and I said to him "you are staying at daddy's house tonight, so he will be collecting you today". And he said "which one of my daddies is collecting me today?"

There was an audible intake of breath as everyone's judgey pants tightened.

Excellent post,,, my dss on a bus!!! I was talking about fur on animals and how they keep them warm!! Bus packed and silent!!!

Anyhow!!! Ds 1 says ' is that why you have all that fur around your bottom mommy to keep you warm?'

Lots of people laughed!!! Exit woman with the biggest lady garden in brum!!!

We were in a cafe which turned out not to be child-friendly. It started to get busy and a large lady in a purple fleece asked if she could share our table. DS, aged about 18 months started pointing and laughing, and said loudly "mummy, look haahoo". I did try v hard not to laugh.

DD used to have swimming lessons at a pool in a very naice part of town where all the stick thin mothers wore Boden and were immaculately made up even after wrestling small children into damp school tights

"Are you finished DD?"

One of those unpredicatable lulls in conversation

"Noooo, I need loads more talc 'cos by wulva's wet"

I can't match the poo and wee stories but DS1 who is five has taken to loudly commenting on other people's parking transgressions.

"YOU CAN'T PARK THERE IT SAYS NO PARKING"

"WHY IS THAT LADY STOPPING HER CAR IN THAT SPACE IT SAYS NO PARKING"

"THAT'S A DOUBLE YELLOW LINE YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PARK THERE"

He's obsessed with parking.

It's very public spirited, can't fault the kid but our car got keyed last week. Coincidence?

This thread is hilarious! More stories please!

I have a pre-verbal DS who has yet to embarrass me with his chatter.

We did have a poo-unami incident at the six week check. Doctor removes nappy. I hear an audible grunt, and poo goes everywhere. The bed, the doctor?s hands, DS?s clothes etc. The poor GP had to call for re-enforcement the nurse to come and help clean up

My brother took his girls to Monkey World last week. The 4 year old was watching the monkeys swing through the trees with their tails. She looked at him thoughtfully, and asked 'Daddy, can you do that with your willy?' and before he had a chance to comment, she retorted, 'No, you can't, it's far too short'.....