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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that my DD had buggered off with her friends

28 replies

WhyTheBigPaws · 31/07/2012 15:55

DD (10) is really into gymnastics and we have been planning for ages how we will watch the Olympic action together. I have been working all day but had planned to stop in time to sit down and watch the women's final with her this afternoon (which she knew) but about an hour ago some friends called for her and now she tells me they're all going to watch it together at her friend's house instead. I'm trying hard to see it from her POV but I'm really upset, I try bloody hard to juggle everything in the holidays (like most parents) to ensure she has a nice time and it's not easy, but she doesn't appreciate it at all, the minute any of her friends appears she is not interested in anything we have planned.

AIBU to feel throroughly pissed off and wonder why I bloody bother?

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 31/07/2012 15:59

YANBU to feel pissed off and a little hurt but tbh her friends are going to be much more important to her than you as she gets older, it is bloody hard when they grow up and move away from you like that, I would say to her when she comes back with a smile of course I thought we were going to watch the gymnastics together , see what she says, she cant see it from your POV she is in her 10 yr old bubble,

lurkedtoolong · 31/07/2012 16:02

I feel for you, but know that this is exactly the kind of crappy thing I would have done as a kid and it's only now as an adult that I see how rubbish I was. I doubt your daughter has though about what you've done to fit in time with her. Take some time, watch the final and chat about it with your DD when she gets home.

squoosh · 31/07/2012 16:03

YABU if you expect her to realise that your feelings may be hurt at breaking your plans. She isn't to know that you would be so upset, she's 10.

At 10 years of age friends are much more fun than parents!

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 31/07/2012 16:04

Do you always "stop in time" when you say you'll do stuff with her, or does work have a habit of overrunning and you let her down? maybe she just didn't think you'd actually be finished and wanting to watch with her - she might think that is she goes to her friends, you can keep working and will be pleased...

AKMD · 31/07/2012 16:04

Sounds like a typical thoughtless ten year old thing to do. Maybe a gentle word about how you had been looking forward to spending time with her this afternoon and were hurt that she ditched you for her friends will encourage her to think of you as a real human being in future but don't sweat it.

AKMD · 31/07/2012 16:05

Or what lurkedtoolong said ^

NagooingForGold · 31/07/2012 16:05

Yanbu, but I live for my children, would move heaven and earth for them, and you can't expect that level of commitment back. It's crappy, and you are not unreasonable to feel sad, but you would be unreasonable tO expect her to behave any other way.

squeakytoy · 31/07/2012 16:05

YABU. You will always be her mother, and have always been there for her. She is now at an age where she will want to socialise with her friends. You will really have to get used to that and not get upset or feel abandoned by her.

Isla77 · 31/07/2012 16:06

No you are not being unreasonable but unfortunately children often see things differently from us. I think I would sit down and talk to your daughter about this, explaining that when we make an arragement with someone (even if it is our Mum) it is hurtful to that person if we break it in order to do the activity with someone else. However, bear in mind that she may have gone along with her friends because she thought they would not invite her to do other things with them if she said she wasn't going on this occasion. Friendships can be complicated at this age and it is hard for them to handle it. I know it is hard for you also and I am sorry your day was spoiled.

cantspel · 31/07/2012 16:09

Please dont have a word or tell her you are disappointed in her choosing to watch it with her friends.

Dont guilt trip her for wanting to be with her friends over you, just be glad you have and are raising a child who is popular and social.

Mrsjay · 31/07/2012 16:18

I think explaining to her a little will help her understand other people have feelings too, as long as mum doesnt make her feel guilty then it is ok for her to talk to her daughter about it,

Mrsjay · 31/07/2012 16:21

I say this from experience with dd1 i let her skip off when and where she liked and she is now a little bit selfish to other peoples feelings at the time I felt her happiness was more important and we didnt matter but i did learn that family does matter however i think i sort of set dd up for being the way she is,

JumpingThroughHoops · 31/07/2012 16:22

Being with your peers is more important then being with your parents at that age.

Why not invite all the friends in to watch it at your house together? Seems a reasonable compromise.

Original poster
WhyTheBigPaws · 31/07/2012 16:24

That's all very sensible advice, I know am being childish but she is so bloody thoughtless :( I feel bad for making her feel guilty - and I am really glad she is popular, and of course I can see that her friends are more fun to be with than me - but it makes me wonder why I bother. She knows how hard I work juggling things so she has a good time (working until midnight last week so I could take her away for the weekend) and I think she's a bit young to be ditching family for her friends at the drop of a hat - I thought I still had a few years before that happened :(

OP posts:
fluffiphlox · 31/07/2012 16:26

Just be thankful that you don't have to watch the blinking gymnastics.

Mrsjay · 31/07/2012 16:27

she deosnt realise how much you do for her most children don't and if they do realise then they start to feel guilty about it and you don't want her to feel guilty and responsible for you , children are sent to try us Grin you are so entitled to your feelings though but she is 10 she just expects you to be there for her ,

JumpingThroughHoops · 31/07/2012 16:27

Could be worse - you could have a sofa full watching water polo. sigh

AKMD · 31/07/2012 16:30

Which channel is it on? I can't find it!

Vagaceratops · 31/07/2012 16:33

Its on BBC1

lovebunny · 31/07/2012 16:34

well done. you've brought up a confident daughter who has friends. make a brew, watch the olympics and pat yourself on the back. you did good.

AKMD · 31/07/2012 16:36

Found it, thank you! Amazing jump from the US just now!

NoComet · 31/07/2012 16:37

My 11 y will be having jolly miserable evening if she doesn't say sorry for her behaviour this morning.

She threw a toddler strop because I helped her pack her bag to go to Summer club.

I know she flys in to a rage very easily if she's running late (which she wasn't), but it's time she realised when she's way OTT.

vess · 31/07/2012 16:38

YABU, try and see the positive side and do something nice for yourself!

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 31/07/2012 16:43

tricky one I think you either need to deal with it at time or let it go as rehashing would seem unfgair, ie. go off friends out of ear shot and just say well we have made these plans, how do you feel about blowing them off and going out with your friends and allow her then to recognise breaking plans is a big decission and just go with what ever she does, it may help her realise there and then that maybe it isnt ok to drop your poeople when a better offer comes along. However Im not sure I would too hurt etc if I where in your shoes, but I may be inclined to make the decission myself if it where that important and say no sorry not today we have plansd, see yoiur friends later or tommorw, but my dd is just 6 so not sure how that would work for 10 year old.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 31/07/2012 16:58

She may be worried about missing out on being with the group ...
I wold say " oh I was really looking forward to watching it with you" and leave it at that.