To tell my judgy inlaws to leave me alone.

[honeytea]

Our baby isn't even born yet and I allready feel like nothing I do is right. My DP comes from a very big family and they all seem to have made the same parenting choices, they see anything I do as wrong.

It started when I was about 7 weeks pregnant and I mentioned I would like to use cloth nappies not because of any environmental reason or worries about pfb's bum being eroded by chemicals purely because we have fre washing and drying where we live and using cloth nappies will save us around 2 grand for one baby all of his sisters and his parents sat around laughing at me saying how disgusting and old fashioned it was and how it was verging on abuse as our child will probably have red hair and be more likely to have nappy rash (logic?) his sisters didn't use cloth nappies where as I have cared for babies in cloth nappies so I don't see why they have an opinion as they have no experience. I left and was in tears, I was a little over emotional due to early pregnancy hormones.

Next his sister came to my 12 week scan, it was kind of her as my DP had to work. Here (in Sweden) they usually only have 1 scan at 18 weeks but I wanted a 12 week scan as I was very anxious (the baby took 2 years to conceive and it didn't seem real) she told me she disapproved of me having a 12 week scan as it was unnecessary and non of the family had done it, I said it was only one extra and we'd get a 3d scan done at the beginning of the 3rd tri and it was normal in the uk to have a 12 week scan, she was talking about it like I was allowing my baby to have nuclear weapons tested on it.

The most major issue is my drinking, my DP offered me a teeny beer at a party I said no thanks I'm waiting for my glass of wine at Christmas (baby is due on the 8th) mil was just horrified saying I was selfish snd risking dc's life and she thought the sight of a breast feeding woman drinking wine was disgusting. (bf doesn't really seem optional here it is what every mum does) my DP was great he said she has no right to judge me as mil has smoked through all her pregnancies and smokes infrount of her grandchildren and when I'm sat next to her.

Other issues have been me liking the idea of a water birth (you can't have a water birth in Sweden) and them saying it is unnatural I'm not a dolphin. Names, mil hates all the names we like just not going to tell her till after the birth now reigns (sp?) child abuse again apparently.

Should I just tell them I don't want their opinion even if that upsets them? Any nice ways of saying that?

YABU! You should be telling them to fuck off and leave you alone!

Wow, some interesting facts there! And I always imagine Scandinavian types to be really well-informed and liberated. Not anti-cloth nappies and water births.

Is Reigns a name?

You need a list of "snappy retorts" so you're prepared. They are insular and it shows by the sound of it, and can't accept that people in other countries/cultures do things differently. They may even have some misguided idea that if you choose not to do everything their way/the Swedsh way, that you are somehow saying it's not good enough iyswim, and because they all agree with each other, they're reinforcing each others, well, baby bigotry. Just smile sweetly and say "well my mum did XYZ and I turned out well enough that DH wants to have children with me" or if they really say something upsetting say "You are so right, but I am English (? or whatever you are) I think I'll have to go there for the birth, I'm obviously incapable of meeting Swedish expectations. I must check flight times"
Think of some good comebacks for anything they might say and have them ready. It's good that you DP is supportive of you, hopefully he will continue to be so.

Reigns is the name?

Nod, smile, 'really?'... and do your own thing.

Form your own coterie of friends with young children and join groups that support your choices.

Dolphins are amazing. HTH.

I would go with the smile and nod, and maybe a breezy comment along the lines of 'there are so many interesting cultural differences between Sweden and the UK!'

i think op means reins. and they were a life saver, so ner ner to your inlaws!

and i want to be a dolphin! pout

I think I did every single thing they disprove of with dd - I used reusables, and yes she did have nappy rash (she's not a red head, not that that has anything to do with it ) but she had baby eczema too and grew out of it; I enjoyed an occasional glass of wine whilst bf (am I reading it right that your mil approves of drinking during pregnancy but not bf? ); I went into a birthing pool (but I didn't like it so got out quite quickly, I'm surprised that that would be unusual in Sweden) and I even used reins. And my dd is now 4 and seems unaffected by all of my shameful decisions . I even had extra scans prior to 12 weeks (shock horror!). They sound bonkers, you aren't doing anything wrong, I think you need to nip this in the bud now with your dp's support otherwise they'll only get worse once your baby is born.

Did you mean the name Raine? I think it's nice.

It would be more diplomatic to go with integer's suggestion, but I would probably just tell them to piss off.

Don't bother discussing your choices with them. If they ask you a direct question, just took vaguely interested, but confused and nod along to any suggestions they make.
Then when you have your DC get DH to stand up to them and tell them you are both happy with the choices you are making.
Good luck.

It might be worth noting that the cultural norm in Sweden is that pregnant women do not drink alcohol at all, breastfeeding women do sometimes though but it can still be frowned upon. The default option for feeding baby is breast feeding and there can be a fair bit of pressure from midwives and society to do so.
It can be really tricky adapting to other social norms. I've done the opposite to you and moved to England while pregnant with my eldest girl and was often aghast at how certain things were done here that any English person wouldn't bat an eyelid at. My inlaws kept trying to persuade me to have a glass of wine and I of course refused =)

are they just being 'robust' with their opinions or are they out to crush your wayward way of life?

if it's the latter you and dp need to make it clear you do not tolerate other people running your life. if the former why not start having some opinions about the way they conduct their lives? either you'll have mad loud vigorous debates or they'll get the hint and start dissing something you can join in on. like the next door neighbours.

tell them nothing and then they have nothing to judge you on.

how about bolstering yourself up to hear what they say and not take one damn bit of notice?
i think that might be the way forward. you could have a stock phrase like 'thank your for telling me. i'll bear that in mind' and then completely ignore them?
its your baby. you have to do it your way, the way that is right for you.

When in Rome etc.

Obviously you are going to have different ideas as there is a completely different cultural upbringing.

Rather than get the nark with it - just say "Indulge me, I'm English" - that should be enough for them to mark you down as barkingly eccentric and conforming to stero type

Just because you do things one way, and they do things another, it doesn't make either of you wrong (or right).

One of my vBFs is Swedish; she thinks we are all filthy mingers peculiar for having a washing machine in the kitchen. Who in their right mind would be waving dirty clothes round a food prep and cooking area? I kind of see her point, but I'm not building a scullery just to assuage her!

hey

I know how you feel, but thankfully only with 1 half of FILs family.

Yes i use cloth nappies, and i had planned a home water birth, oh and i planned to breast feed as well
I may have well come from another planet.... you know having a baby at HOME.... breast feeding etc etc

well DD is now 10m and things dont change... i had her at home (but it was too fast to get into the pool) she has never tasted formula, and is in cloth nappies!
she has also never eaten a jar of baby food, nor had a Macdonalds, nor does she eat whole krispy kreme doughnuts for her tea from 7m old (like their family)
According to them she eats "posh food"... you know, fruit vegetables liver / bolognese / macaroni cheese / tuna sandwiches / custard / semolina / plain yogurt etc etc are her favourites.
She also has a highchair that sits her at the table.... again, in there eyes, VERY odd!

I have just learnt to ignore it and not really care and carry on regardless... when i get comments like "OMG X wont eat that" I respond with "DD doesnt eat that"

and yes they may be 19, and have children a whole 6 months older than my DD, so obviously they know far more about looking after children than me..... who is a fully qualified nursery nurse and was a nanny for 10 years

Try not to let it get to you and just do the smile and nod as everyone says. It's YOUR child and your choices are perfectly reasonable. For what it's worth, my BFing counsellor said it's perfectly fine to have a glass of wine, in fact the best time to have it is WHILE you're breastfeeding, as it takes a while for the alcohol to be in the system and then it's gone by the next feed...so that should shut them up.

it very much depends if you feel that you are being ridiculed and insulted or if you just feel its different lifestyles.

if its ridiculed (from your wording i expect it is) i personally would if feeling childish ridicule everything you can about them every oppertunity you get and when its picked up on just say 'well whys do you think its ok to do to me'

but if i was able to remain grown up next time it happens just say "is there any need to be so insulting and rude to me just because we have different cultures" obviously dh needs to back you up

fwiw the university of bristol did quite a good study into nappy rash with regard to reusables and disposables and found no difference between the two it was other things that made the difference like diet frequency of changes ect

Thanks for all the replies! I am glad I am not infact being a crazy lady and harming my child, I think my decisions are pretty mainstream for the UK, just odd in Sweden, I love the idea of saying to them oh well I will just have to go to the UK to have my baby.

They do tend to do everything the same as each other here, most people drive a navy blue volvo estate (we drive the "norm" car and it is a nightmare finding it in a carpark!) Most kids (infact all the kids I have ever met) have names in the top 100. Water births are banned as a baby died whilst the mother was in the water (nothing to do with the water) The midwife tells you not to let the baby cry for even a minute im not sure what you are supposed to do if you are on the loo and the baby is crying? the kids sit in pushchairs till they are around 5 which is where my preference for reins (sorry about the rubish spelling!) comes in, I see it as more restricting to have an able child sat in a pushchair than them on reins. The alcohol in pregnancy is an absolute no no, the midwife was horrified when I said my family tend to just have a drink (one small wine/champagne) on a special occasion such as christmas or birthday or wedding whilst they are pregnant. I had a glass of wine on my birthday but I was with Australian friends so I didn't get told of by the mummy police.

The washing machine in the kitchen issue is a strange one, people feel really strongly about it here, I say to them "but you go in the kitchen wearing your dirty clothes? It's not like I put dirty knickers in the fridge!"

:)

Yy just repeat what socks says over and over whenever they annoy you. They'll soon get the message!