To tell my judgy inlaws to leave me alone.

[honeytea]

Our baby isn't even born yet and I allready feel like nothing I do is right. My DP comes from a very big family and they all seem to have made the same parenting choices, they see anything I do as wrong.

It started when I was about 7 weeks pregnant and I mentioned I would like to use cloth nappies not because of any environmental reason or worries about pfb's bum being eroded by chemicals purely because we have fre washing and drying where we live and using cloth nappies will save us around 2 grand for one baby all of his sisters and his parents sat around laughing at me saying how disgusting and old fashioned it was and how it was verging on abuse as our child will probably have red hair and be more likely to have nappy rash (logic?) his sisters didn't use cloth nappies where as I have cared for babies in cloth nappies so I don't see why they have an opinion as they have no experience. I left and was in tears, I was a little over emotional due to early pregnancy hormones.

Next his sister came to my 12 week scan, it was kind of her as my DP had to work. Here (in Sweden) they usually only have 1 scan at 18 weeks but I wanted a 12 week scan as I was very anxious (the baby took 2 years to conceive and it didn't seem real) she told me she disapproved of me having a 12 week scan as it was unnecessary and non of the family had done it, I said it was only one extra and we'd get a 3d scan done at the beginning of the 3rd tri and it was normal in the uk to have a 12 week scan, she was talking about it like I was allowing my baby to have nuclear weapons tested on it.

The most major issue is my drinking, my DP offered me a teeny beer at a party I said no thanks I'm waiting for my glass of wine at Christmas (baby is due on the 8th) mil was just horrified saying I was selfish snd risking dc's life and she thought the sight of a breast feeding woman drinking wine was disgusting. (bf doesn't really seem optional here it is what every mum does) my DP was great he said she has no right to judge me as mil has smoked through all her pregnancies and smokes infrount of her grandchildren and when I'm sat next to her.

Other issues have been me liking the idea of a water birth (you can't have a water birth in Sweden) and them saying it is unnatural I'm not a dolphin. Names, mil hates all the names we like just not going to tell her till after the birth now reigns (sp?) child abuse again apparently.

Should I just tell them I don't want their opinion even if that upsets them? Any nice ways of saying that?

Shadow there are a lot of things about the Swedish way that I would prefer (promotion of BF, childcare/parental leave), and I can totally understand the pram/bus ruse, but opposition to cloth nappies? Why? Why? Why?

On that point I really do think the Swedes have a thing or two to learn if it's really so odd to use cloth.

Reins are for dogs not children? Seriously? I personally would rather see a child on reins than under a car. I have never regretted using reins - much more secure than holding a toddler's hand in my opinion.

They would not know things are done differently in the uk, and in the same way the op does not know it is done differently in Sweden. The difference is though, that the op has chosen Sweden as her home country so should really make a point about educating herself, whereas her inlaws dont have to find out how things work in the uk. They have no reason to!

Belittling her is nasty though.
But I would not be surprised if HER ignorance of the "Swedish way" is as bad as their ignorance of the "British way", and they will always have this difficulty, unless the op decides to go out of her way to find out how things are done there, and not just dismiss it outright!

Tell them it is your child and your choices

See Amandine, how easy it is to judge!

I think that both the op and her in-laws are stuck in the Judgey Trap!

In the North of Norway, babies are put to sleep in their prams to nap outside, even in blasting snow storms in winter. Would not happen in the uk.
Neither would anybody in their right mind leave their pram with their sleeping baby outside the shop when trying on clothes! Norwegian women go to the beach to pick shells to put inside their bras to prevent cracked nipples.

I have no idea why cloth nappies are not very popular. Maybe because electricity is so expensive, and you cant hang out to dry large parts of the year due to the adverse weather conditions, so you rely on tumble driers and washing machines.

I don't expect my in laws to do things the british way, I sit back quietly whilst they do things their way. But I do expect to be able to do things my way as I am british and my baby will be half british. I don't even think it is particularly british things I am doing, it is just the way I want to try to do things. It is an asumption in Sweden that if you move here you should act as swedish as possible, you are given free swedish language lessons here and that is fab and very kind, but along side the language they also teach you how to be swedish, what you should do in certain situations. I do respect swedish traditions and culture even if I can't see the logic in doing so, I take my shoes of in the house even tho everyone has wooden floors, I don't freak out at the widespread smoking and disregard for second hand smoke around pregnant people and kids, I havn't insisted we buy a bright yellow car just so we can find it in the car park. But I am not going to bring my child up the swedish way just because I live here.

Reins are for dogs is exactly the sort of attitude they have, a british saying is that "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" maybe as you live in the uk now you should use that logic.

Actually if they all sit around laughing & belittling OP-isn´t that bullying? it did feel like bullying when i was very first pregnant, I think that was hormones, at the time I felt so upset and singled out, the things they have said recently have just made me angry.

What does your husband say, OP?

Obviously, you don´t want to do anything that´ll get your child laughed at/singled out when older-but I agree you can do it your way.

I´m in Germany & to my mind kids are often way overdressed-there was no way I was going to do that for example.

i think it isn't a Swedish thing, it is a judgy family thing, if they were sensitive they'd just respect your choices (whilst wryly reckoning you may find the other way better when you get to it) at the very least to your face!

I work with swedish children in dagis (day care centers) and in their homes so I feel like I know a lot about the way swedish people bring up their kids. I respect that and go with whatever parenting method they choose I don't think the swedish way is bad for children I just think that it isn't how I want to do things.

There are loads of swedish things I will embrace, sleeping outside in the bloody freezing winters, playing out in any weather, sweets only on a saturday, teaching DS to ski/iceskate as soon as he can walk. These are all things that I think are fantastic and I can see that they would suit us as a family but I don't see why I should do everything the same as everyone else. So long as my child is loved/warm/fed and clean I can't see why anyone has the right to object to what we do.

diddl my OP is supportive of the 3d scan, the reins, the glass of wine whilst pregnant/BF, the names are mostly his ideas (he is a little overly creative maybe) the nappies he is on the fence about, he can see it will save us loads of money but he thinks it will be a faff. I will be home for more than a year so he wont actually be doing much nappy washing and he has agreed to give it a go.

I wasn't judging anyone, I was giving my opinion. Saying that reins are for dogs is judging however - if you saw me in the street with my dd on reins (unlikely as she's now 4 ) you would judge me and conclude that I treat my child no better than a dog.

"i think it isn't a Swedish thing, it is a judgy family thing"

Yes, you´d think that they might be interested in OPs culture even though she does live there.

And that things could be discussed rather than dismissed out of hand.

Mind you the MIL smokes-nuff said

I do wonder how they would feel if we lived in the UK and didn't share swedish culture with DC. If we said stuff like "no point teaching DS to ski when it only snows for a week a year"

Honeytea, there will be idiots and judgemental people everywhere, god knows I have plenty in my family. Swedes are no different, and they wind me up no end when I go home. DH and I got married in the UK and tried to bring in some swedish traditions into the ceremony. Our UK family still bitch about it....they didnt get it and FIL still moans about the speaches in the middle of the meal...and his beef getting cold. But its just the way things are. Enjoy your baby and bring her up the way you want.

PS my lot just dont get the GROBAG at all...I mean a sleeping bag indoors, its just plain wrong!!!

I've only read the OP and her responses, so this may have been said already but it reminds me of my MIL and how chatty I was about my choices for the baby when pregnant and her scathing opinions on it all. I learnt that the best thing to do was to not say anything at all. Tell DP's family less. A lot less. None of their business if you use cloth nappies, breast feed, use reins etc. Do not even discuss it if possible imo, or change the subject, if they bring it up.

And read Anne Dickson's book so you can master assertiveness and boundaries before the baby is born, as you'll need a thicker skin with that family, especially once your lovely baby arrives, as it may get worse. I really feel for you. My MIL is very opinionated but thankfully it is only her, but the book helped me a lot and still does.

Oh goodness mummypig a wedding must have been a challenge! We are getting married in 2014 and I was saying that my lovley brother might walk me down the aisle and the lovely in laws said "well that's fine if you don't mind being seen as a possession"

Thank you for the book link dontsteponthemomeraths I will be purchasing that one!

I do think I talk too much and it owuld be better if I just spoke about the weather.

Its nothing to do with different cultures and everything to do with bossy ILs.

"Reins are for dogs " is not my attitude. As I live in the uk, I was happy to use reins with my sons.

We live in Sweden, OP and while I realise fully that we chose to move here and I want our DC to fit in, I am also frustrated at times at the very single-minded approach here. Typically Swedes don't like to be different or showy and they like to be the same (round here all the V70s are silver, we went majorly out on a limb and got a grey/brown one, shock!!!)

I didn't have our DC here. In fact, our move was long planned and I insisted it take place after DD2 was born as I knew the antenatal care here wouldn't suit me. As the DDs get older, the differences are less fundamental, if you like, eg about sleep, feeding etc and it's easier to get over them. We had a routine (of sorts) for both our DDs, which ILs thought was foolish. Both girls slept afternoon naps in their cots (again.. ILs unsupportive). I mixed fed both my babies, with DH helping to do night feeds. Cue massive cats bum mouths.

But I noticed, a bit like your cloth nappy thing, that there is a holier than thou attitude which isn't always carried through. I am the only one of my mum friends here who EVER made home made babyfood for my kids. And despite all the publicity for rear facing car seats, once round age 4, I see many kids nor strapped in, or in the front passenger seat.

I think you need to parent from the heart for it to be genuine. Go with that feeling. Do you have friends outside the family who are parents? Listen to their advice, but follow what you think.

Lykka till!

Oh, and about being walked down the aisle, it was good enough for princess Victoria!! Though she stopped half way down and let go of her father's arm and did the second half alone, just to please everyone!

Tack! surroundedbyblondes! It really helps to hear other people's experiences who are parents in Sweden (car snap, apart from our v70 is blue.)

I have some friends who are parents but they are english couples living in Sweden so they just do things their own way (I love going over and having tea and marmite with them! Also I have a good friend who is dutch who is expecting a baby any day now so that will be nice to have some support.

I think the need for people to be equal/the same is part of the problem, for me to say I feel like this will be ok/better for me is too close for the swedes to me saying my way is better.

I do hope my DC feel swedish and fit in, we are trying so hard to think of names that will not stand out and DS will have my DP's swedish last name despite it being nowhere near as fun as mine

Ooh, is your Dutch friend stereotypically outspoken? How does that go down there??

What part of Sweden are you in?

I live just in suburban Stockholm, how about you? My Dutch friend is just lovely, she is outspoken on some things. The biggest social difference is my spanish friend, she is always at least 45 mins late for any occasion, the Swedes find it very hard to cope!