DH wants to end our marriage wwyd?

[friendlyfaces]

I have also posted this in Relationships but need some quick responses. Please help: -

Earlier this year, my dad died in horrendous circumstances. It was a huge shock and I received counselling for this. I also found out about half siblings that I was unaware of. It has put a big strain on me emotionally and has, without doubt affected my marriage. My DH also has depression which he has not dealt with.

DH and I married last year, having known one another for 15 years - We were together as a couple for about a 18 months before getting married. My DH knew me very well beforehand.

I had a troubled childhood that has left it's mark, and I find small things can trigger feelings of unease and make me shout and get emotional. I know that the level of anger I grew up with is not normal. I was assured that my shouting was normal and natural when I confided in my counsellor. However, my DH acts as if the world is ending if I shout and wants us to talk about every little thing in minute detail instead, which doesn't help me at all.

He doesn't think our marriage is working and thinks we should call it a day. We have only been married a year and I feel he is being unfair. He chose to tell me this on our 1st anniversary. He says he thought he could "fix me" by getting married and he can't. He thinks our relationship should feel less stressful. This is unfair given all we have been through. What do I do?

Can you try relationship counselling? It will be very different from the individual counselling you will have received. Maybe help to deal with your emotions would be good too, it can't be good for anyone for you to be shouty. Some people, including my dh, find shouting really hard to deal with.

OP I grew up in a household with a lot of shouting too and am the opposite - I can't bear it. IMO shouting is very stressful and can be emotionally abusive. Your DH is quite within his rights not to want to deal with shouting.

I would suggest you go to counselling (anger management, perhaps, too?) and maybe take up something that calms you. I find yoga really, really helpful for this, or hard cardio exercise.

I think your DH's timing is v poor but he should have to live being screamed at.

You can't "do" anything if he's decided he no longer wants to be married to you. Trying to "fight" him on it will just alienate him further and make it more difficult than it will already be. Would you really want him to be miserable for the rest of his life just to make you a bit happier? If you constantly explode and scream and shout at him, he must feel like he can't do anything to help you, and no longer wants to. He's tried and failed (as he sees it) and wants out. And life isn't fair. He's decided it's time to put himself first for a change by the sound of it. Have some dignity and let him go.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP, first of all. That said, your marriage is not all just about you; there are two people in it who should be considered by the other one. Have you always shouted and reacted this way to every thing that happens to you? I must admit, I wouldn't' like to be married to somebody who behaves that way and especially not somebody who feels entitled to carry on because of events and circumstances.

I think you need an outlet for your anger/shouting - and that is not your husband. If you and he are prepared to put in some parameters to your marriage that neither of you cross, I think you could make it work, but that's for you both to decide. Is your husband serious about splitting or is he showing you that he will take no more of this and that you'll split if this situation continues?

I'm concerned that your councellor told you that it was normal and natural to shout. Councellors shouldn't say things like that, are you sure that is exactly what s/he said? Councellors tend to talk about feelings being natural rather than physical responses beng natural.

Could they have said that it was natural to feel like you wanted to shout?

Your DH is trying to communicate with you and sort things out by wanting to talk about things in detail. Your method is by shouting. You need to find some way to communicate which is possible and helpful for you both.

How about contacting Relate?

under these circumstances he shouldnt have married you, equally as such he shouldnt really complain about stuff that he knew happened and if he married you with this knowledge but i think its very easy to understand why this happens. bottom line is you are married now so all thats a bit moot.

if now he is unable to deal with it and can see no other way of resolving the issue then you will need to part company.

i would find it very hard to spend my life with a shouty person, i wouldnt give a flying fuck about why they are shouty only that they are and i personally couldnt tollerate it. for me it would be a huge deal breaker that would prevent me getting involved to that extent with a shouter,i dont concider shoutyness to be reasonable or acceptable.i would see it as drama that i had no wish to involve myself with and i would jump ship asap.

if he has reached a point where the shoutyness overides any possitive aspect of the relationship and you will not stop doing it then its fairly cut and dried.

out of intrest are you only shouty at home / with family or are you also shouty in other circumstances? do you have children?if so do you think its ok to subject your children to this type of thing and conflict expressed in that way?.

if the circumstances were to be reversed and it was him doing all the shouting would you enjoy it or would you feel opressed like you walked on eggshells would you bust a gut to try and make it stop,would you want to talk it over during none shouty times,would you want to take steps to prevent it or would you feel like it was a potentially abusive suituation?

relationship counselling if he will. if he won't, let him go. but remember, this isn't a 'fault' or a failing on your part. marriages end, even ones that people have waited a long time for.

My husband shouts sometimes, he says he is not shouting at me but just in general, but it makes me feel un safe, un comfortable, stressed out, angry, upset, emotional and I would prefer we actually communicate rather then him ranting then later acting like nothing happened, then the next day rant again while I'm supposed to be psychic about the problem.

what should you do?
i think you should look for couples counselling as you need to broker an agreement about how you will communicate in your relationship. some couples shout and some talk, some don't do either.
i hate shouting and would not have married a shouty man (then again, i'm not brilliant at talking either). it sounds to me like you feel somebody has validated your shouting and that you feel therefore it's ok but if it's upsetting and stressing your dh then it's not ok i'm afraid.

nailak this is a very commen method of excusing your own behaviour. i.e

person 1, walks in room shouting fing and what not perhaps even saying things that could reasonably be concidered to be name calling.(no sign of injury like something dropped on toe thus excusing a yell of fuck whilst hopping around)

person 2 (only other person in room) gets upset

person 1 'oh i wasnt shouting AT you

person 2 still upset thinking well nobody else is here.

this tends to happen over and over again.
its not ok

You can also contact Relate to talk to them individually about your relationship, if your DH won't come with you at first.

Thanks for all the responses.

First of all, I AM trying to react calmly to the triggers that make me feel uneasy.

This is something that my DH recognises, and he will often say something to acknowledge improvement when I stay calm in a situation that I would have previously shouted in. If however, I do have a blip, he will automatically dismiss any improvement I have made. I want him to be happy.

I can't help thinking his depression - which he has had for his whole adult life - is also colouring his view of things. I don't think he would see things as bleakly if he acknowledged he needed help too. Relate is something I would consider.....The comment that he thought he could "fix me" really upsets me though.

OutRagedAtThePriceOfFreddos - It is possible that this is what my counsellor said.

Then you need to try and recognise the difference. It's ok to feel like you want to shout, it's not ok to actually do it.

It sounds as if you may have taken this the wrong way and are expecting your husband to put up with the shouting because you have believed that it was a natural consequence to what you have been through. But your husband really shouldn't have to put up with it, and it will be especially hard for him to do that if he is depressed too. He probably needs your support as much as you need his.

I dont think there is anything you can do and lile the posters above I would also find it impossible to be in a relationship with someone who shouted at me. Actually ive been with my dh 13 years and thinking back cant actually remember him shouting - of course we have argued but hes never actually shouted?. I dont think is IS normal to shout often.
I think you are also right that your dh is feeling it more because of his depression, you shout becauase of your past and he feels it more because of his. I would try counselling but realistically if he isnt happy there isnt much you can do :(

What can you do? he has the right to end the relationship for whatever reason he wants. You can't make him stay with you, or make him get counselling, or require him to give it time. He has the right to leave if that's what he wants, no matter how unfair you feel it is, or whether you feel he should work harder, or give it a chance or whatever.

All you can do is accept it.

I wouldn't stay with someone who took to yelling at me and I wouldn't expect them to refuse to allow me to leave or to require me to attend counselling. I would expect them to respect my decision.

I'm sorry that you are in such a painful situation, but you need to get rid of this idea that he must somehow accept being yelled at, or that he has some sort of obligation to stay with you until you feel that enough effort has been put into the relationship.

He wants to leave.

I am so sorry, but there's nothing you can do to stop someone ending a relationship with you.

Just one thought a friends once said about the beginning of her marriage:

Her dh came from a family where they shouted and argued, and offense was rarely taken. She came from a house where they sulked and stewed.

She thought if he (or his family) shouted then she had done something dreadful and was very upset. He couldn't cope with her going quiet and withdrawing, he thought they should talk (or shout) their opinions and get it all out in the open.

Once they realised that they approached disagreements differently; he accepted that him shouting really upset her, and she realised that he needed to talk things through with her, they got on much better.

They've been married about 30 years now.

It sounds like both of you are too messed up to be in a relationship. Neither of you can rescue the other, and neither of you can help yourselves while you are fretting over each other's mental health.

Accept the end of the marriage with as much grace as possible and try to treat each other fairly. Then make yourself a promise to remain single until you are more at peace with yourself, because even a mentally healthy partner isn't going to be wild at the prospect of you shouting from time to time because you had a terrible past - it's not a lifetime's free pass to have your feelings override other people's.

He says he thought he could "fix me" by getting married and he can't. Very unfair that he went into the relationship knowing what you are like and the problems you have wanting to 'fix you' then walking away after a relatively short period of time. However, his depression is probably a factor in the relationship breakdown as well - it is rarely the fault of one person.

There is nothing you can do about it and my advice would be to let him go and concentrate on yourself and sorting out your own problems as you are not in a place to have a relationship until you do. He sounds as if he needs to do the same. If the relationship is meant to be come back to it when your minds are more healthy.

I don't think relationship counselling will help as you need to focus on your individual issues before either of you are in a place have a healthy relationship x

I didn't realise that shouting was viewed as such an extreme thing.

The environment I grew up in was very violent, and shouting was never seen as such a bad thing - This is not an excuse I am just making an observation. This thread is an eye-opener....

I have been trying to minimise the shouting. I have been calmer in general. I just think that trying to relearn how to deal with anger takes time, and DH is not giving things a chance.

I am very sorry to hear of your bereavement and the discovery of half-siblings which must have been a huge shock.

I think your issues and DH's depression need dealing with, as neither of you are in a good place from which to support each other. I strongly recommend counselling either together or separately. You have three issues that need addressing; your bereavement, his depression, and your marriage/relationship. The couples counsellor will keep the dialogue going through him/her and it won't degenerate into a row if that is what DH fears. You will each have turns where one talks and the other listens, and then the listener has an opportunity to respond.

I feel that you owe it to yourselves to try to find out if your marriage is worth saving. I'm not sure that DH is thinking rationally due to his depression, all he can think of at the moment is leaving.

Bottling things up is not the right way, but shouting and getting angry is not the right way either. The middle ground is discussion.

Tbh I would leave my DP, at least temporarily, if he shouted at me just once.

I don't think shouting is extreme - everyone gets angry now and then - it's just if it becomes what the majority or every argument/issue/stressful situation descends into its a problem. It's also the level of anger and bile and emotion that goes along with it as well.