DH wants to end our marriage wwyd?

[friendlyfaces]

I have also posted this in Relationships but need some quick responses. Please help: -

Earlier this year, my dad died in horrendous circumstances. It was a huge shock and I received counselling for this. I also found out about half siblings that I was unaware of. It has put a big strain on me emotionally and has, without doubt affected my marriage. My DH also has depression which he has not dealt with.

DH and I married last year, having known one another for 15 years - We were together as a couple for about a 18 months before getting married. My DH knew me very well beforehand.

I had a troubled childhood that has left it's mark, and I find small things can trigger feelings of unease and make me shout and get emotional. I know that the level of anger I grew up with is not normal. I was assured that my shouting was normal and natural when I confided in my counsellor. However, my DH acts as if the world is ending if I shout and wants us to talk about every little thing in minute detail instead, which doesn't help me at all.

He doesn't think our marriage is working and thinks we should call it a day. We have only been married a year and I feel he is being unfair. He chose to tell me this on our 1st anniversary. He says he thought he could "fix me" by getting married and he can't. He thinks our relationship should feel less stressful. This is unfair given all we have been through. What do I do?

I hope things work out for you. It does sound like you're trying. But, as others have said, I too would find shouting to be a dealbreaker. (I come from a family of sulkers, so shouting is a massive thing for me.)

Hmmm. I shouted, I have been shouted at. I don't consider it acceptable but the severity with which it's regarded on this thread is an eye-opener for me too vows to try not to shout again or to let DH do so

However, OP's thread isn't just about shouting. I agree Relate or similar is a good first stop. If I'm being wholly honest though, if you can't make it a year, albeit a hugely traumatic one, are you really going to make it forever? Sounds like you would both have to change your behaviours and perceptions a lot for this to be a truly indefinite happy relationship. Good luck.

with all due respect to your efforts but if you have to relearn how do deal with anger then you have real issues.

violence and shouting are always a bad thing your observation that it wasnt is a huge issue but given that you are now an adult entering into adult interactions you need to behave like one.

some of us have had shitty upbringings some have come from families where this is deamed ok,fine but you are now responsable for your own behaviour.stop making excuses for your actions and actually deal with it.

make a choice not to do it your not a child anymore so stop acting like it.

you ignored my previous question so i shall ask it again, do you do this to other people like coworkers/boss/ staff in shops/ members of the public/ friends, people you are not related to or sleeping with?

Thanks a lot for all the opinions and advice. Birdofthenorth I'm not sure I want to know the answer to that question .

I do love him but I know I can't make him stay. I just wanted to know what the other possibilities were. x

I am shocked at this thread

So some of you have never shouted. And apparently raising one's voice is grounds for divorce and accusations of child abuse

How do you saints manage it? I am genuinely intrigued.

There's some interesting advice on managing shouting on this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1529968-I-am-a-shrew-but-is-DH-an-arse-long

there is a big difference between never raising your voice and constantly shouting to the point that a party in the relationship wishes to divorce/leave.

raising your voice is designed to make it heard.
shouting is designed to intimidate or scilence other people or bend them to your way of thinking.

If your DH plans to fix you then it's only fair that he tries to fix himself as well. Depression is a treatable illness.

I am from a shouty family, dhs family are 'ignpre and sulk' type. It was difficult to find middle ground but we did. even then we would shout occassionally
I can honestly say that me and dh have not shouted at eachother in almost 5 years. We had split and got back together and one of my conditions was that we spoke not shouted (even though I was the more shouty)and we have stuck to that. If a disagreement is getting to that point we 'take a break', one of us will go for a drive for example.
Growing up in that environment made me not want my dcs to grow up in it.
When i had counselling i was told eating to shout is normal, but when expressing yourself you should consider the other person. Imo, shouting is not ok.

I was told that wanting to shout. Not eating.

Oh, sorry sockingpixie, that was an oversight on my part.

Yes, in the past, I have reacted badly with co-workers and family. The majority of my triggers are things that are more common in the home environment though, purely because it stems from events that happened in the home environment.

I don't always shout, I often cry. It is the shouting that is having an impact on my marriage though and it is not something I want to continue. It is a bit unhelpful to say "stop acting like a child, deal with it." I wanted some advice, on how to go about dealing with it. I am very grateful for all the support / advice and personal view points given though.

My advice would be to acknowledge its not the best way to deal with a situation. And always be on guard for it, which is quite hard. But before you blow your top, tell your dh you want 15 minutes to calm down as you want to express yourself without shouting.
Tell him, if he is willing to work on this with you, that this is what you will be doing. So he is aware you are not stropping off or running away from the issue.
I also think that he can't just sit and assume your issues are the only problems in the marriage. If he decides he wants to work on the marriage. He needs to tackle his depression. At the moment it seems like he is laying all the blame at your door.

when you did it in a work enviroment what was it that made it a thing in the past as opposed to a continueing issue?

Bottom line is it takes two to want the marriage to work, if he no longer wants to put the effort in, you can't force him.

I don't think you can control him.

At best you can try to be calmer, and try to consistently remain calm and not be controlling. If he sees you as calm, not controling and not threatening then perhaps he will be willing to give it another try.

You sound like you want to force him to be the way you want him to be. You need to focus on yourself and be the best you can be, and hope on that basis the relationship weathers through the storm.

By the way, I have a shout-ey parent, and it is always a scenario of looking after xxxx. Gaging their mood/reaction. Why ? We all go through problems, shoutey people are adults too and need to be responsible for themselves.

You sound dismissive about him, don't forget he is the one that wants out here, so there is no point in dismissing his opinions.

I think theres nothing wrong with what he is saying, if he doesn't like shouting fair play, I also hate it and try my best to avoid any shouting in a row, I don't think it's healthy for kids to see me and his dad screaming at each other so i try to think of other methods to deal with anger but I do think it's unfair he married you thinking he could "fix" you. No one can fix you, only you can decide if you want to change and if you do, I suggest counselling and perhaps a better counsellor than your last.

Sorry to read your unhappy post, OP.
I would go down the Relate route, also have counselling for the pair of you separately.
These things are usually 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other..
Also, 15 years, so he knew what you were like and vice versa.
Men do like to find solutions and fix stuff, whereas women just want to be heard without comment.
I hope you find a way forward OP, all the best.

rubber - I don't shout. In 14 years of marriage, my husband has never once raised his voice. He has never in his life shouted. There's nothing saintly about it.

I used to be a shouter. I married someone who refuses to engage with a shouter. I learned how to communicate instead.

It is hard, if you are used to yelling, to unlearn that and learn how to communicate calmly and assertively. But you feel a bloody fool shouting all by yourself, I tell you that for nothing!

Saying I am a shouter and this should be accepted is a cop out. I see that the OP wants to change this and that's good, but shouting shouldn't be seen as the normal and natural state, with those who don't shout as abnormal or presenting themselves as saintly.

You have recognised a need to change, FF, that's the most important and most helpful thing you can do! You can do this! You can change those things about yourself that are not making you happy. You can, I promise. You may need help to do it, and that may mean searching for the best counselling and courses for you. Assertive Communication Skills, for example, would be a good course. And you need perhaps to look around for a different counsellor. I know that reassuring you that what you do is normal and natural is the nice thing to do, but it may not be the most helpful thing to do, if you are really looking to change.

Sorry but maybe you are just too people who should not be together, it sounds like you are both carrying a lot of your own baggage to deal with each others

friendly Just popping back - I absolutely know what you mean about not 'getting' that it was weird to shout. My father used to have full-on, screaming, raging melt-downs - referred to within the family as 'shouting at X, whoever he was angry with' - and although I knew other people didn't do this, exactly, I never got how weird it is to raise your voice so as to make other people feel intimidated and uncomfortable until quite recently.

It really, really is, though. As children, my sisters and I learnt very quickly not to annoy my father in any way, but he would melt down about something else, then, and I just remember the awful tension whenever he was in the house. If you heard him coming downstairs quickly or slamming a door and his footsteps coming towards the room, you just knew that whatever happy family thing you were doing would be interrupted and the screaming would start.

God, this really isn't all about me!! Sorry - but does it help you see how someone might genuinely find it really stressful to live with? Not saying you are as bad as my father, btw.....

I have never been shouty as that was not my role in our family's dynamics, but I do get upset/ hurt easily, and cry. I find that pausing when I am about to go off on one and thinking 'This will look different in the morning' helps. When you are about to shout, think, 'Is this worth making my partner feel upset about?' - because that is the effect.

So maybe if you stop thinking, 'Christ, I'm pissed off, I'll shout' and more 'I'm pissed off but shouting will make DH feel really bad', that might help?

Never shouted...ever?

Well I am going to stick my neck out and say yes I shout occasionally, at my kids, less often at dh.

Do I think I am messed up, some kind of monster. An abuser?

No

I think I am a normal human being who sometimes gets overwhelmed by life's demands. And do you know what, I don't want to be perfect.

If I have hurt someone, I apologise. I don't say nasty things but if the kids are way out of line, they need to know sometimes they're actions are wrong.

Yes, yes explaining, firm, calm techniques are by and large better,

But anyone here claiming they have never lost it, well I think you are either lying or very repressed.

Or you have never been at home all day with bickering kids and not a moment of headspace, feeling unwell.

Op this is the wrong place for advice. It is unfortunately human nature, when someone is having a less than ideal time, some will revel in the opportunity to point out how perfect they are.

My dm liked to do that, and she was an abuser. I feel for you

I do think counselling might help you, with your past anyway

just so you know - i shout. i can shout very loudly and i have shouted many times in my life. i haven't been in any fights but i'm not ruling it out...all these people who don't shout...amazing...

I don't shout, it's not in me. I do, however, sulk in a very nasty passive-aggressive manner if I don't watch myself. I'm not sure that my brank of sulking is any better than shouting - in fact I'm sure it's not.

Hi there Friendly, I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. My brother died some years ago in very terrible circumstances and that took its toll on my relationship also. The shouting etc, is grief and anger over your fathers death. It is very early days and will take some time before you can start to deal with your relationship. Contact Cruse and look to bereavement counselling. That is where your focus should lie. Good luck.