DH wants to end our marriage wwyd?

[friendlyfaces]

I have also posted this in Relationships but need some quick responses. Please help: -

Earlier this year, my dad died in horrendous circumstances. It was a huge shock and I received counselling for this. I also found out about half siblings that I was unaware of. It has put a big strain on me emotionally and has, without doubt affected my marriage. My DH also has depression which he has not dealt with.

DH and I married last year, having known one another for 15 years - We were together as a couple for about a 18 months before getting married. My DH knew me very well beforehand.

I had a troubled childhood that has left it's mark, and I find small things can trigger feelings of unease and make me shout and get emotional. I know that the level of anger I grew up with is not normal. I was assured that my shouting was normal and natural when I confided in my counsellor. However, my DH acts as if the world is ending if I shout and wants us to talk about every little thing in minute detail instead, which doesn't help me at all.

He doesn't think our marriage is working and thinks we should call it a day. We have only been married a year and I feel he is being unfair. He chose to tell me this on our 1st anniversary. He says he thought he could "fix me" by getting married and he can't. He thinks our relationship should feel less stressful. This is unfair given all we have been through. What do I do?

i don't shout, ever really.
i have shouted at children 'stop' or 'don't' if they're going to do something like touch a hot thing or hit another child and need a short sharp shock to stop them.
i would shout at a mugger in the street and i used to do a martial art that required shouting.
i can easily raise my voice in a friendly tone in a kids party to get everybody's attention - so i am not a quiet voiced person and i can shout.

but, when i am annoyed with somebody it doesn't really occur to me to shout at them, i generally either state what's not acceptable behaviour, or i sometimes walk away if somebody is very annoying, or if they've really really hurt me i might cry but that's rare and would be very serious. mostly though in my family life i just mention things that annoy me mildly as i go along so they don't really become big things... dh is the same.

oh, and i am no saint, and that post wasn't a boast, sorry i should have said, i wrote it to just explain to people that some of us are just not angry and shouty and would find angry shouty people kind of scary and out of control.

Just because some people don't shout does not mean they are perfect.
I live how some people on here get offended because people don't handle things the way they do.

absolutely doesn't mean they are perfect and also it's ok if both partners are shouty and ok with it - but the OPs husband doesn't like her shouting and she was asking for help to understand why that might be...

i was not claiming to be 'better' in any way because i don't shout - i am just trying to explain to those who say 'everybody shouts' that that is not true.

I just wanted to thank you all for your contributions to this thread.

Last night, DH and I had a calm and honest discussion about our marriage We have decided to work together, as neither of us really wants it to end.

I am going to try and implement the 15 minute techique that DPrince suggested. I think having some time to myself when the tension rises would be a help. DH has also decided to go to the doctors about his depression.

RevoltingPeasant, thanks for popping back to share your experiences.
When I was a teenager, I went round my friend's house. My friend's mum forgot to buy something on the shopping list, which my friend's dad wanted. I thought the only reason my friend's dad didn't hit his wife was because I was there, and he didn't want to hit her in front of an "outsider".
It has taken me a long time to realise how wrong parts of my upbringing were.

HecateHarshPants, thank you for that last paragraph, and for your words on encouragement.

Sockingpixie - What I was trying to say is, my shouting is mostly triggered by things that happen within the home environment. It is not directed exclusively at my DH, and it has affected my work life and co-workers.

Lovelynewboots, sorry for your loss. I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody - I hope you are ok.

Thanks everybody...sorry for the essay x

Hello I'm the husband of friendlyfaces and I'd like to clear up a few things.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1530095-DH-wants-to-end-our-marriage-wwyd

The depression that my wife speaks of is under control and has not been an issue for nearly 12 months. I was given a web site by my doctor that gives you a question-air each day and keeps track of my mood so i can see over the past year how i'm doing. I am now and have been for the past year not depressed.

How ever this does not stop my wife using it in an argument to "hurt me".

"your mental"
"you need help"
"Your f*ing pathetic"
"I f**ing hate you"
"why don't you just fk off you b**d"

"i need you to hurt" is one of the phrases my wife uses during an argument as her reason for saying hurtful things.

"all you do is talk and I'm hurting so I need you to hurt as well so that's why I say these things"

These are just a few of the many phrases I have to put up with on a near daily basis, and these are shouted at the top of her voice usually a couple of inches away from my face. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

Did I break her favourite mug? did I miss her birthday? did I crash the car?
No these phrases are used when I, for example move the book she's reading at the moment from a chair I want to sit on to the arm of the sofa,
Not only that but I know these "little things" get to her so tell her where I'm moving it from and to, and i make sure she can still visually see it.

but this makes no difference.

The thing is these arguments aren't about who's going to pay the rent this month or how we are going to tax the car next month its always about little things being moved.

And as far as the "fixing you" phrase, I've know her for over 15 years and did not experiences any of this side of her until just before the wedding. I talked to friends and family and they said organising a wedding is one of the most stressful things you can do so I put her mood down to wedding stress. But things have got progressively worse over the last year.

I knew her life was bad at home, she has cerebral palsy and cant drive and uses a wheelchair to get around so was stuck at home. I'd pick her up for dates and as soon as I got out of the car I could hear her dad shouting, I hadn't even walked up the drive.

I knew her and had feelings for her all through school, she is the funniest, strongest and nicest person i'd met. The determination she has to do things inspires me.

I loved her through and through.

She'd cry in my arms telling me just the tip of the iceberg of what her life was like at home for her and her mum and brothers and sisters.

I loved her and want to be her knight in shining armour, I told her my feelings for her and she said she had them too, we moved in after a year of dating. I felt a could protect her. I thought if she left the volatile aggressive angry environment and I gave her a loving warm non aggressive home we could give her the life I felt she deserved.

But in arguments we've had since she keeps telling me

"there's nothing wrong with me your the one with the f***g problems"

I've left to go to my dads on 2 occasions when i felt that she wouldn't listen and just kept shouting and swearing in my face. Which just gets used in following arguments

"why don't you just f**k off back to mummy's and daddy's"
"your f***g pathetic"

So last night when I finally told her I'd had enough and we were over she grabbed hold of my wrists and told me I wasn't going anywhere.
She has a very strong upper body as she uses a wheelchair and she over powered me for a moment and said

"I'm hurting so I'm going to hurt you"

I understand her childhood has really affected her and i thought i could help but I don't think she wants me to.

She said how sorry she is and know she is sorry but I feel now things have gone too far.

I don't know what to do, things have changed now and i still want to get her through this but I don't know if i should be her husband or just as her friend.

What should i do?

Ok, James.... I know I've crossed the line.

We are spiralling out of control and I don't know what to do or say or how to get through any of this. I'm so scared of repeating history. I am in a bad place and the moment and I need help. I am booked in to see the doctor.....I want my knight in shining armour back x

Talk to each other, not on here.

This seems a bit voyeuristic now. This should be done in private not on here.

Use the doctor and the counsellors available, you are both good at communicating how you feel, so there are a lot of possible outcomes.
You both need support and help, but I think it needs to be at a professional level if you don't just want to call it a day and leave each other alone. I don't think reverting to a simple friendship basis looks possible at the moment.

I hope both of you coming on MN has helped you both.
You can listen to everybody's opinions and then try and come to a compromise.
But I agree it's getting a bit voyeuristic now.
Good Luck to both of you.

WigGold is right... You're just going to get a load of people saying leave the B***.
If that's what you want then fine, but don't go on the basis of strangers' opinions... I do love you, and I hope that there is still some love there for me too.
When it's written like that it makes me feel sick. I need to deal with these things because however trivial they seem to other people these are my triggers.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm in self destruct mode, and I can't do anything to stop it. It just brings all the old feelings back, and they swallow me up, 'til there's nothing left of me. I'm fed up of fighting.

I think the best thing both of you can do is seperate and get all the help you can. Things sound awful and something's got to give. I think you need to put the relationship on the back burner and just work on your issues, the relationship stuff can come later