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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is OK to bribe your kids?

54 replies

RetroMaggie · 30/07/2012 10:44

...to get them to try new foods, eat better generally, behave at crucial moments.... feel free to add to the list!

If you don't bribe how do handle these scenarios?

OP posts:
MadCap · 30/07/2012 10:46

Bribery is just another name for positive reinforcement. Grin

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/07/2012 10:46

It depends entirely on the situation...I absolutely refuse to bribe my DS with regards to things he should be doing anyway - there are certain things they should do as a matter of course and not because they are getting rewarded for it.

So ok sometimes, not always :)

IvanaHumpalot · 30/07/2012 10:48

Of course - works for DH too!

Kellamity · 30/07/2012 10:50

According to my positive parenting course you shouldn't bribe as you will create a world in which you need to to use a bribe for everything you want your child to do. You should explain what is expected of them before an event/day out/whatever and then if they behave as you wanted them to you could (not always) say because you did this so well you can have......(some sort of reward) but not every time so it's not always expected.

HOWEVER in the real every day world I find bribing can be a marvellous thing Grin

Sirzy · 30/07/2012 10:51

Depends on what for but yes there is certainly a time for it.

Original poster
RetroMaggie · 30/07/2012 10:57

... so what is your bribe-weapon of choice?

OP posts:
MrsNouveauRichards · 30/07/2012 10:58

Of course it is ok. That is the basis of sticker charts after all - if you do x,y,z you can have a sticker etc...

But yes to children expecting things. DD used to get a 10p biscuit when we went shopping, then she would want a bigger biscuit, and then it went on to books and magazines. That has now been stopped, but it can escalate very easily!

Now we use pasta in a jar instead of stickers as an 'incentive' bribe and if we are out and about there is usually the offer of something fun when we get home/an icecream or cake on the way home/some small treat just to make life a little bit easier.

Kellamity · 30/07/2012 10:59

Swimming
Trip to the Park
Magazine
Pancakes (fav pudd)

All my DCs weaknesses!!

FillybusteringForGold · 30/07/2012 11:03

I tend to go with the anti-bribe approach for the sorts of things the OP has listed....for example, there's no dessert if you try x/eat nicely, there will be no trip tomorrow if you don't behave at the doctors etc.

I prefer not to set up an expectation of reward for 'normal' (ie expected) good behaviour.

Conversely, I will unexpectedly reward said 'normal' good behaviour with a treat, on a sporadic basis ('dcs, you were all so brilliantly well behaved in the supermarket today, we're going to take our tea time snacks to the park and have a mini picnic') to reinforce the message that it is worth behaving well.

Having said that, I'm happy to bribe for non-standard behaviour: star chart for stopping night-time thumb sucking or toilet training, the promise of a lollipop (never ever ever allowed in the Fillyhouse normally) for sitting nicely and not crying through an injection etc.

GilbGeekette · 30/07/2012 11:04

Surely it's now called 'incentivising'? Smile

I used it recently on teenage DD. She's been having some self-harm issues, whilst also wanting her nose pierced. As well as addressing the underlying reasons for the cutting (talking to us, rubber band on wrist to flick, discussing coping strategies) we also made a deal: if she tried really hard not to cut for a month she could have the piercing. Worked like a charm, when she wanted to cut she thought about her nose stud, she didn't manage to not cut at all, but got down from regular cuts to two in four weeks. And she was damn pleased with her piercing!

FillybusteringForGold · 30/07/2012 11:04

there's no dessert if you don't try x/eat nicely

manicbmc · 30/07/2012 11:08

I am trying to think of what I can bribe my 17 yr old dd with to get her to clean her room and move from in front of the laptop.

We're off to get our hair done tomorrow. But her general inertia is driving me potty.

FreudianSlipper · 30/07/2012 11:10

i often have to if i want to get to nursery then university or work on time

not what i thought i would have to do. going to buy some chocolate medals later (not that ds will eat them) as he is losing interest in being olympic champion for getting dressed Hmm

Original poster
RetroMaggie · 30/07/2012 12:23

I keep reading it is wrong but have yet to meet a parent who doesn't admit to blatant bribery (... or thinly veils it under incentivising -cheers for that Gilb ... will use that!)

OP posts:
Original poster
RetroMaggie · 30/07/2012 12:23

and is chocolate a step too far?

OP posts:
debka · 30/07/2012 12:26

DD1 (3) gets a skittle when she lets me cut her nails. I have no idea how i would get them done otherwise.

sherbetpips · 30/07/2012 12:28

Yes totally and utterly okay and needed

futureunknown · 30/07/2012 12:30

Yes I did give treats to reward good behaviour when DCs were small. Plus I tried not to set them up to fail. I didn't take them shopping or to restaurants until they were much older.

Now I have teenagers I try not to worry about the small things (hanging up wet towels, shutting wardrobe doors seem to be impossible tasks to U18s), and mainly focus on the long game of education. I try to teach them about deferred gratification. Work hard now and the successes will follow later.

In return they do well and get lots of stuff from us- I like to think it is rewarding their effort though rather than bribing them. They know if their efforts slip at school we would be very unhappy.

futureunknown · 30/07/2012 12:42

manic my 16YO wasn't getting round to sorting her room so I offered to help. It turned out it was so bad she just didn't know where to start and was totally over faced. We did it together for a day then DD2 helped her finish it a few days later. She was very pleased when it was all done.

neolara · 30/07/2012 12:45

Bribes, or as I like to call them, performance related pay, have certainly got a place in our household.

manicbmc · 30/07/2012 12:48

I did that 6 months ago, future. She helped for 10 minutes. Then I proceeded to gut her room and make it lovely and tidy. All she had to do afterwards was sort out her clothes into 'needs washing' and 'needs chucking out' piles and run the hoover round - still waiting.

Currently arguing with her about getting it done and being accused of nagging. If she'd just get on with it, I wouldn't have to nag.

futureunknown · 30/07/2012 13:06

I sympathize manic. DD really just sat on the bed while I went through sorting. We haven't done the clothes yet. I have that joy to come over the next few weeks. Our housekeeper does the floor so DD has it pretty good. My brother was equally messy at that age so I know where she gets it from. He is now very house proud so I live in hope for a transformation from DD.

DontEatTheVolesKids · 30/07/2012 13:23

Sorry to be pedant, but technically it's only a bribe if they get the extra treat before they've actually done the desired behaviour.
Getting an extra treat ("performance-related pay", etc.) after the desired action is completed, is a reward, not a bribe.

Meh, I do rewards for some things. I've read that it's very hard to get teens to anything without rewards on offer.

Mrbojangles1 · 30/07/2012 13:25

The only thing i provide bribes for is good grades

But everything else I am the adult i have asked you to do somthing so just do it

manicbmc · 30/07/2012 13:30

Dd has just wandered past me, carrying a black bin bag, with a murderous expression on her face! Shock

It's progress though. Grin