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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is OK to bribe your kids?

54 replies

RetroMaggie · 30/07/2012 10:44

...to get them to try new foods, eat better generally, behave at crucial moments.... feel free to add to the list!

If you don't bribe how do handle these scenarios?

OP posts:

manicbmc · 30/07/2012 13:31

And now I shall start painting the back hall.

StateofConfusion · 30/07/2012 13:33

I do it, ds was very very anxious starting school so we started a tick chart, earning things like cinema, a mcdonalds, some 'pennies to spend', we helped him find a ta he could go to first thing, and each day got better. He finished his first year a totally different child confident and happy. And I have no doubts that the promise of earning treats helped him not totally loose it on days he was struggling.

They're rewarded for good bedtimes, helpfulness etc they're just turned 5 and 3.8yo and positive reinforcement saves my sanity!

BlueMoon74 · 30/07/2012 13:34

Bribing is not exactly preparing them for the real world is it?! (and causing us primary teachers no end of hassle in the classroom). Please stop it!

yousankmybattleship · 30/07/2012 13:37

Absolutely! Bribes and threats are the cornerstones of my parenting. That and random outbursts of both love and rantiness.

manicinsomniac · 30/07/2012 13:56

Oh yes, I have an array of little toys etc to bribe mine to play independently, go to sleep, eat meals etc. I would be lost without bribery!

One of my colleagues pays her two boys £1 for every hour they stay in bed after 7am in the school holidays. She pays about £20-£30 a week for 7 guaranteed lie ins - I think it's probably worth it!

Original poster

RetroMaggie · 30/07/2012 14:47

Donteatthevoles - My dd responds well to receiving the treat before completing the task (especially trying new foods). She knows (and does not need to be told) she can have the treat only if she tries / eats it. So technically a bribe?

Mrbojangles - when they are reluctant to do it... even though you are the adult and they the child, how do you get them to understand they have to? (Shouting, punishment, wailing like a banshee, smiling sweetly?). I'd really like to give it a whirl.

OP posts:

Original poster

RetroMaggie · 30/07/2012 14:51

BlueMoon74. Thought you might be interested in this study on the benefits of bribery on school test results!

OP posts:

muppet1969 · 30/07/2012 15:36

Bribery is exactly preparing for the real world - after all we don't do our jobs for the sheer love of it, do we? And many, many jobs have performance related pay and bonuses for a job well done. Why should we expect our children to do their best all the time for no tangible reward? I say bribery all the way! (And I'm a teacher as well....)

sarahweb · 30/07/2012 15:44

It's such a trickey one isn't it? It can be tempting to bribe as a quick fix to some things. Especially if they are getting argumentitive.

I try to keep the bribing unpredictable then it becomes more like a treat than a bargaining chip. We all slip up though, don't we?

DontEatTheVolesKids - surely the promise of the reward, before the behaviour, is the bribe? The payout is just delayed. Isn't the point of the bribe that the behaviour is only displayed with the promise in place?

Original poster

RetroMaggie · 30/07/2012 21:23

The incentive worked well for dinner this evening

OP posts:

Quip · 30/07/2012 21:28

kids get a trip to Alton Towers if they read a book every day of the summer.

Bribery works wonders in our place.

Eve · 30/07/2012 21:31

To earn ?20 for his holidays, my youngest had to stop biting his nails and have longish nails by time we go on holiday.

With the help of the yucky stuff you paint on and money... I cut his fingernails tonight for 1st time since he was a baby.

Willpower just needed a helping hand.

50shadesofstress · 30/07/2012 21:34

Kellamity thats quite funny as at our course we were told the opposite and that bribe/reward was an excellent parenting technique, lol!

I agree that children shouldn't be rewarded for doing things they should be. I would probably say something more like 'if you do not get your shoes and coat on now then you will not get that ice cream we were going to have later'. I would rather them be punished for not doing something they should do as opposed to 'if you put your shoes on then I will buy you an ice cream'.

If it is something over and above normal stuff then bribes/rewards are good!

Kellamity · 31/07/2012 09:07

well there you go 50shades!

BlueMoon74 · 31/07/2012 21:04

RetroMaggie Agree! It is interesting read! I still don't think you should have to bribe your kids to do well though...I managed to get straight A's because I wanted to make my parents proud - not because they were paying me to do it!

RichTeas · 31/07/2012 22:59

DontEat, you're assuming that the treat is always given after, sometimes it's given before, as in "ok you can play longer / have ice cream ... if you promise to do X".

Also, you could say that the "promise of a treat" which occurs before the action is tantamount to the "bribe".

Sorry to out pedant your pedantry.

DontEatTheVolesKids · 01/08/2012 12:16

Does that work, giving the treat first? Not reliably with my kids, anyway.

Original poster

RetroMaggie · 02/08/2012 10:48

Giving the treat first works best with DD.... as a visual/physical incentive... she knows she can't actually play with or consume it until the task is complete.

I'm surprised there are not more anti bribers on Mumsnet - from this (highly scientific) response it looks like we are all pretty much doing it!

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puds11 · 02/08/2012 10:52

Always said i'd never do it, but realistically it makes life easier, and people bribe me all the time with food and drinks, so it'll happen to her one day.

holyfishnets · 02/08/2012 12:37

you call it bribe, I call it reward.

holyfishnets · 02/08/2012 12:40

We don't do the whole, eat up or there will be no dessert thing. We tend to just give them a main family meal, let them eat or not eat (with out nagging). We do not offer alternatives food wise and we only do a small amount yogurt for pud anyway.

Cat98 · 02/08/2012 12:45

Self confessed anti-briber here in principle- I try not to. I have resorted to it on a couple of occasions though! I am one of those weird parents that favours UP however so that might explain why

Original poster

RetroMaggie · 02/08/2012 12:54

UP?

OP posts:

RunYouBastardRun · 02/08/2012 13:04

I think, as someone said up thread, that bribing is a good life lesson. It's teaching that positive behaviour/actions result in good things. Obviously it changes as you get older but putting all you toys away resulting in time at the park etc does lead into getting all your homework done resulting in having free time to spend how you choose. Incentives change as you get older but the basic lesson that doing what is needed/required/asked of you = getting a reward is a valuable lesson imo. You're not going to get good exam results/a job/etc if you swan about picking your arse are you?

And it doesn't always have to be an actual 'bribe'. There are brief moments when my kids are happy to do something I've asked because it will result in 'mummy being very happy'. And if they're not in the mood to give a shit about making me happy I break out the Haribo

50shadesofstress · 02/08/2012 18:56

I don't really consider it bribery, more reward and I don't believe for a second its not used in schools in one form or another.

The good/bad behaviour boards are all form of the same discipline really.

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