MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen to my husband. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

Penny

I thought your last post was very interesting, generally the consus is - you cant interefere with his family as its his problem to deal with and you will get all the blame for any spilts or cracks. Its something I agree with but deeply struggle with. I dont like bullies and DH family are control freaks and bullies. I dont really see them now thank goodness but they still try and control DH.

I think alot of people also feel hurt when the DP clash with DW etc...its upsetting....but they need to see the DP as a whole, that they can still love them, they are not all bad but that this particular part of thier behaviour isnt good enough and must be adressed.

Seo

One of the MANY reasons I am now limiting contact with my PILS and DD is because I cannot bear how they talk about/to me and DH.

The tone of voice, the content and physical demenour when talking to DH is one of great annoyance...we are the useless loosers who do not make alot of money which after all is THE main purpose of livng on this earth....unlike wonderful DSIL who " gets IT", she understands....careeer - money , ferrari etc...

I do not want my DD who adores - and deeply loves her wonderful father to see him spoken down to in such a way especially by a man who is a shit father himself! The DPILS are VERY smug and very overtly feel VERY superior to nealry everyone because as they said to a close family freiend along time ago..." we dont need to keep up with the jones, we ARE the jones".

I also do not want her aware of thier critism of me.
When she is older she can make up her own minds about us - but I know personally if the people you rely on to protect you - and care for you etc....are suddenly riduled etc...it rocks your world - ( can) and makes you question them, and can make you as a child feel very insecure.

So re- her shouting at you infront of baby - no no no.

Its not just the effect of her being angry - its the idea of degrading you - and you not standing up for youself, and your DH not doing anything either.

in every way its a degradging abusive situation.

These problems rarely seem to exist in isolation. A bad MIL usually has other problem relationships. My DH is vacillating - one moment he freely admits they are awful, the next he defends them. ]
Interesting comment from Eliza about her ILs saying "we dont need to keep up with the jones, we ARE the jones". My ILs are very grandiose and are openly snobbish and racist.
I was reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I really think MIL has it. One of the features is a sense of grandiosity, another is the tendency to fly into a rage at a hint of criticism, hence the torrent of abuse when we asked her politely to stop the grotty second-hand junk.

My DH is weak, but I picked him because I like his gentleness. Yes he needs to grow a pair when dealing with his parents but we are happy together as he is loving, easy to live with and thoughtful. The only dark cloud in our marriage is the MIL situation.

I have a similar issue. In-laws treat my DH like shit but he can't recognise it. MIL in particular is very controlling, overbearing and domineering. I've cut my, and therefore DD, contact with them. There's been no apology and I don't want my DD subjected to people who act in that manner, and I.don't want her exposed to their contempt of me and her father. I told him last night that unless he stands up for himself I'm off. Harsh but true. I can't continue in the situation. At the moment they click their fingers and he goes running; so effectively saying that it's ok to treat my wife like shit.

All this obligation to family is bullshit. Nobody has a right to anybody else. I cut my 'father' and his entire family out of my life when I was 12. Best decision ever. Just because they are related doesn't give them the right to treat you badly.

"Baby didn't finish her rusk so I left it on a plate in the fridge."

She put a half eaten rusk in the fridge?

Your MIL sounds like my nan - A martyr who expects you to be grateful for everything who gets pissed off when she isn't centre of attention. The last time my nan came to stay (uninvited) she brought me some junky ornament that I took to the charity shop and reorganised my kitchen cupboards when I went to work.

They always expect you to be grateful and I think your bang on with the Narcissistic personality disorder.

dh is bound to be - he is emotionally wound up with them, mine was in therapy because of them when i met him with deep depression. they blamed it on a family suicide gene but its obvious it was purley circumstantial.

Thankfully he is open minded and recognises the part they played in his depression HOWEVER he still gets emotionally maniputaled by his mother - she doesnt rage - she just cries ALL THE TIME I have never met a woman with so much in life who feels so incredibly sorry for herself. I have also never ever known a mother do so little and expect so much praise...

They will do something nasty - and he will be upset - but then he will forget a few months later - get involved again and get upset.

You can feel sorry and compassion for your parents whilst still saying....dont behave like this infront of DW and DD etc. You can " manage" them, and if they dont listen then manage your behaviour etc...someone somewhere has to say .....enough.

Interestingly this family friend of my PILS....said to us " keep doing what your doing..." which is basically not seeing them, I never go to thier house and never will now....we have invited them over on occasion in a family group ie if over sea relatives are visting...but there is no coming and going casual visiting.

She seemed to think that in some way this was working....but FIL is still trying to get his way by sheer bullying...and forcing...BUT FIl doesnt get his way as we just ignore now.

Hey ho...one day it will sink in my DH is his own man!

My DH is also wonderful and sensitive and kind etc....the only times in 9 years I have been upset with him is always been due to his family. BUT he is getting ALOT better at saying no etc. we have made alot of progress.....we only had one relate session but that was enourmoulsy helpful, if we could afford - /when we can afford will definalty go back for more.

If only my husband could cut them out. But it would make them unhappy. He also feels that as they are old, we might as well try to put up with them.

Yes, MIL needs to be centre of attention. Once, when DD was being very extrovert at dinner, DH said "Babies like to be the centre of attention, don't they." MIL replied, "Well, doesn't everyone like to be the centre of attention?"

I dont think he has too - but he needs to get them into perspective....and realise he can love them they are not 100% bad but they do - have challenging behaviour that he shouldnt let his wife and even more importantly his small defenless child too! He can manage them, its not a massivly problematic situ - just in his mind....

relate would help.

"But it would make them unhappy."-am tempted to say-so??

But it´s OK to keep them in your lives & make you & your daughter unhappy?

there are two threads on this!!!

you need to help your DH get some perspective, he clearly hasnt got any becasue he was brought up in this mess....

he can still love them, see them etc....you dont have too...as someone said - you can be poilty busy etc....

its imperative as someone on other thread said - as I said above - your DD must not see you degraded in this way. It not soooo key now...as very young but there is time to nip it in the bud.

You can stand up for youself.

Meant to say "It would make him unhappy" i.e. DH. Maybe I was subconsciously worrying about placating them!

'I was reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I really think MIL has it'

I thought exactly the same when I read your post! Both my parents have NPD and I saw lots of similarities between their behaviour and what you describe from your MIL. I find it helps to remember that emotionally they are toddlers - they want things their own way at all times, expect the world to revolve around them and react to things they don't like with tantrums and meltdowns. So they need what toddlers need - rules, boundaries, a consistent approach to discipline!

Having said all that, I am rarely very good at following my own advice! I relate to your DH's feelings of being scared, being reluctant to stand up to them. It must be absolutely maddening for you (I know it is for my DP sometimes) to be on the outside and willing him to stand up to her. Remembering the 'FOG' helps explain why he reacts the way he does. He has probably been brought up to see his mother as the centre of the universe, and may even have difficulties seeing himself as a separate person from his mother - so when she appears angry/sad/frustrated, he feels it too.

You're off to a great start by asserting yourself with her and making it clear that DD is your child, not hers. The rusk episode is really vile - just shows the lengths that narcs will go to to undermine you Keep posting!

in situs like this - as with my DPIL for a time - I personally let my standards slip to....fit in with them, want them to like me, etc etc...sat there through ghaslty comments with a smile on my face etc.

what happens is - we all slip down to thier level, they are bullies - dominating, we dont want confrontation have our DH feelings to think about.

every one sinks low.

now you know you cant win with them, no matter how much you repress your true feelings it doesnt matter they wont like you - they wont change.

all you can do is rise up from the ashes and say NO....no more...this is good enough for you perhaps NOT good enough for me and DD.

someone has to raise thier head out of the bog and reach up for better things.

set a new standard and a new bar. no one else may reach it with you but at least for DD she can see someone going higher than everyone sinking lower to please dsyfunctioal people

Lotta - yes, I have sympathy for the difficult situation my lovely husband is in. It's very hard for him, when he's been trained to be obedient. He's doing the best he can do.
Eliza - I have realised I can never please MIL. She sees herself as being in competition with me. There was one good thing that DH told me last night - she admitted that I am an excellent mum, and that DD has turned out very well so far.

That sounds out of character-did he have to drag it out of her?

Is it to placate as she is worried she might not continue to see her GD as much as she wants?

Was it before or after she ranted about you not addressing her by her name?

I think he did have to drag it out of her, yes. It was in the same conversation as the rant. I think DH indicated that she can't shout at me in front of baby, so yes, she may be worried that her access will be cut.

So maybe she says just enough to placate him?

Because tbh if my MIL screamed at me, I wouldn´t give a flying fig about her thoughts on my parenting & I´d be pretty bemused if my husband thought it was worth mentioning to me.

Because to me it would seem like-it´s OK that she screams at you because she thinks you´re a good mother.

I mean, she has no respect at all for you-or your husband (imo) or she wouldn´t treat you as she does.

Yes - DH was clutching at straws.