MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen to my husband. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

I bet the estranged kids are not feeling bad today though.

I don't see my parents nor do my half siblings.

Lifes too short for crap situations like this. Take your dd out for the day and have fun.

Thanks Fluffy..but my husband has to decide to cut them off - I can't make that decision for him.

"Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen to my husband. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, "

Well it´s up to your husband, isn´t it?

And the way MIL is-why do you want your daughter to know her?

I wouldn´t send anything-I´m sure they´d still find a reason to moan.

You probably can´t change them, but standing up to them might make you feel better in yourself.

Personally, I think it is rude to give anyone second hand items UNLESS they ask for it. Some people are ok with second hand some are not, it's a cleanliness thing. So for the MIL to insist on it is out of order.

On the bigger control issue, as someone else wrote, don't feed it and whatever you do don't feel guilty. Controllers use guilt to bring about their desires and you need to completely deflect the idea of guilt with this person. Just be polite and matter of fact and do things according to your own agenda. Good luck, you'll need it.

Agree with the posters who say to walk away. You are right to be worried about it undermining you. When your child is a little older she will see granny shouting at mummy and think mummy must be a bad person who deserves it. You may be ignoring MIL acting like the better person but child will see mummy being dominated/cowed. The LO will also be learning that behaviour and could grow up to be an abuser, or someone who puts up with abuse herself. You need to put some boundaries down so that LO knows that shouty behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable.

I think your Dh may be onto something with cutting them off. The daughter has done it so they obviously have some major problems going on.
My Dh cut off his mother, and she has never met our two younger children. His youngest sister then did the same. The only one who speaks to her is the middle child (sister)
Really you don't want your child exposed to this rubbish. Maybe after a break they could come back into your lives on a very occasional basis in controlled circumstances and only if they continue to behave.

Diddl - I'm nervous about the wider ramifications if I don't temper my reactions to her. We went further than ever before yesterday, merely by requesting an end to the junk, and she went nuclear.

Rich - I will just try to keep strong with her. I don't have the guilt, but my husband does, majorly.

Meringue - you have articulated that particular worry of mine better than I could do. I think emotionally abusive behaviour can echo down the generations and I don't want it to happen to my baby.

California - I'm thinking along the lines of a break followed by occasional contact.

The big issue for me is fear of causing my husband great remorse and guilt if we cut them off.

What ramifications?

That they might be even more abusive/become violent/cut ties?

Her reaction is her problem to deal with.

You have said thanks, but no thanks to 2nd hand stuff-hardly a crime!

I think you have to have a big step back at least.

The other thing-all this going over what was said done-I used to dissect every IL visit-& they are nothing like yours-& then I realised that I doubt they gave anything that was said/done a 2nd thought!

Hmm - MIL will be obsessing right now as we speak. DH is going to see them again tomorrow (long-arranged meeting with family accountant) and he is pretty nervous.
It is a good strategy, though, to imagine that they aren't thinking about things at all. I think when MIL overrules me on every last childcare related thing, she probably never gives that a second thought. But she will be mad as a box of frogs because we stood up to her for once.

Is he frightened of them-& if so why?

They can only affect him if he lets them.

Why would he be nervous about a meeting with them & an accountant?

If they make a scene there-they´ll look stupid.

It's the Fear, Obligation, Guilt for your dh. FOG.

I used to throw up before meeting my parents.

The anger is how they control you're behaviour so that you modify yourself around them. The aim is to stop you standing up for yourself ie you remain childlike around them.

Diddl - I mean he's nervous about going to see them before the accountant visit. They wouldn't make a scene in front of the accountant, but poor DH will have to put up with them at the house. I think he's frightened of them because that's how he's been trained. It's just like Fluffy says - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Been there, done that.

Post in relationships, loads of people on there who actually manage their parents rather than disown.

It's all about boundries (sp).

Whoops you have already.

I wouldn't want me or my kids around a nasty price if work, irrelevant whether friend or family

Her own daughter has disowned her do I guess that days it all.

Remove yourself and child from her company, up to dh what he does..

Why would anyone want to put up with this nasty crap.

Further to advice above, I would try to stay calm when she is yelling and ignore her wait for her to finish. If you don't react she will just look stupid.

It sounds as if she has no respect for other people. That she is self-centred and thoughtless about people's motives for the way they parent, for example, although she obviously sees secondhand stuff & thinks of you.
Practise "We have one of those, but thanks for thinking of us"

Good luck. My MIL & I have come to tolerate each other she hates me & I ignore her advice but it's not easy. DH often goes there alone with the dch now because I am "busy with work."

OP, how horrible.

I find my ILs quite challenging, FIL especially. Last year, his behaviour became more and more challenging to the extent that he interfered as DH and I disciplined DS1 and there was a shouting match over dinner. We walked out and drove the 2.5 hrs home. We then barely spoke for nearly four months, which was upsetting for MIL and DH, as the shouting was mainly FIL and me In the end, to keep the peace, I apologised to him for shouting at him in his own home. He never apologised.... BUT since then, he has made much more of an effort and been much better to be around. By being horrible, we didn't visit so he and MIL didn't see their grandchildren at all.

OP, you hold all the cards. You are in the position of power here. You are the child's mother and you decide who and when sees your child. Maybe your MIL needs to learn this the hard way. She will only hurt herself by pushing you all away.

When he sees them, your DH should tell them that you are very upset and would like an apology. Then sit back and wait.

(just one last note though, if they really are alcoholics, do you really want them around your child at all?)

This is all good advice - I will try to use it to feel more confident next time I am forced into her company am invited for a pleasant family get-together.

OAM I don't ever let FIL look after her as he really is sozzled all the time. MIL is a high-functioning alcoholic, I think.

Yesterday, MIL was asked to apologise after Meltdown Part 1 and assured DH she would. But the "apology" turned out to be Meltdown Part 2. I don't think she's capable of contrition.

So they are unpleasant nasty drunks? And you want your dc to be in their company why???

talk it through with your dh, decide what you both want. for example 'we should tell both sides of parents to give gift tokens, not buy things for the baby'.
when you are both clear about what you want, tell both sets of parents. both sets, to be fair, explaining to your parents if you have them, why this is happening.
then stick to it. if they don't keep your rules, don't see them.

people are not clear enough with each other.
you've made a really good start by telling mil that as the parents, you want to do it your way.

Lovebunny - thanks for the constructive suggestions. I think they'd be sniffy about us asking for gift-tokens but you've given me a good idea. My own parents buy a lot of baby things, but only after checking with me. That could be a good ground-rule for MIL - I could say "We don't expect you to spend any money, but if there's a time you'd like to get something for the baby, please check with us, so we can be sure that you don't buy something we already have".
I also want to preempt them before they give my baby food she shouldn't have. A few weeks ago MIL fed her liver pate without checking with me, then she was ill and vomited it all back up.
I would like them to get to a point where they consult with me instead of them getting out the family bulldozer and mowing me down!

Thebody - I would be happy if my daughter never saw them again, but I feel she needs to know both sets of grandparents.

I would say your DH also needs an explanation for why his mum lied to him re your apology.

You could do what I do - accept the second hand skanky shit with a smile and put it in the bin when they go!
I know that only addresses a small part of what you're going through but it might mean a bit less hassle. Then you can save your energy for the more important issues.
I receive a fair bit of IL intrusion too and this tactic makes me smile to myself it is a bit passive aggressive but sod it, I have other battles to fight