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Original poster

MIL meltdown

93 replies

seoladair · 29/07/2012 11:52

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen to my husband. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

OP posts:
diddl · 29/07/2012 22:34

" but I feel she needs to know both sets of grandparents."

I disagree.

She doesn´t need a shit set imo.

Why does your husband have to see them other than the accountant visit?

If it makes him nervous can he be "running late" & meet them there & have to leave straight away?

CaliforniaLeaving · 29/07/2012 23:55

Your daughter needs happy parents who are still together more than she needs any grandparents.

pennyparanoia · 30/07/2012 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 10:58

grin - a chain of junk. Then the DIL of the interfering MIL will post a thread on mumsnet and the age-old story will continue....

OP posts:
Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 10:59

Not grin; I meant Grin

OP posts:
pennyparanoia · 30/07/2012 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 11:38

And another Grin
Thank you for cheering me up!

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 30/07/2012 11:43

Another technique I' ve seen (not easy but sounds effective!) is to hold her stare while she rants, with a bored look on your face & when she drawsa breath say" have you quite finished?" then carry on with what you are doing or walk out.

Sounds like they are both seriously alcoholic so TBH you haven't a hope in hell of getting them to change their behaviour unless they want to & reasoning with them or dealing with them as normal rational human beings won't work.

You all deserve better than this, distance yourself & encourage your DH to do the same.

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 11:52

Well, I said "ssh" a couple of times and held my finger to my lips, rather than engaging. (It didn't work). I also said "please don't shout in front of the baby" and she yelled said "I'm not shouting"

OP posts:
Happiestinwellybobs · 30/07/2012 11:55

I have just come across your thread having had ongoing issues with my own MIL since bringing our adopted DD home 4 months ago. Whilst the tat thing has not been an issue - most things she bought were lovely, she has been a nightmare interfering. I'm afraid I took the plunge to speak to her and also faced a ridiculously nasty attack from her. However I had some great advice from everyone. One particular statement sticks in my mind "your child, your rules" - if your DH's sister has chosen to keep away that also says a lot !!

I respect that they are my DH's parents but am taking the decision to put my DD and DH first as they are the most important people in my life. If they cannot respect you and your decisions as a parent then that it is their issue. I hope things work out for you :)

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 12:07

Happiest - she actually said to me "We do things our way", which gave me the chance to say "No, DH and I are the parents - we do things our way". DH has promised to reiterate to her that it's our baby, our rules.
The second-hand junk issue was the catalyst for MIL's explosion, but it's really not so much about the junk, and more about her need to run the show, and be the "senior female" of the pack.

OP posts:
Happiestinwellybobs · 30/07/2012 12:27

You could just have written about my mil - that is exactly the issue. No one has ever said no to her. She has always been the matriarch of her (large) extended family. everyone lets her have her own way and I have usually gone along with that. Now that we have a child it is different - she wants to parade my DD round. When I think about her behaviour now it is more about her than our DD - and that is not on!!

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 12:38

My MIL is a bully and people also are scared to say no to her - they know what the fallout will be like.

OP posts:
elizaregina · 30/07/2012 12:46

same here MIL wants total control and to be the best cook, have the cleanest house.
I would have quite happily let her hold the best titles in these fields, I dont need to feel worthy on this earth by having cleanest house or being best cook etc....

FIL has actualy said to Dh and to be repeatedly over the years - " can you not just be seen to be doing x, y and z"

This must be his strategy for dealing with her, persoanly i find it insulting to her - to all pretend to be doing things - and insulting to us to ask us to live a part lie to keep her happy.

pennyparanoia · 30/07/2012 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 13:10

Eliza - MIL is petty about housework. When MIL was last babysitting alone in our flat, I came back, and MIL said
"Baby didn't finish her rusk so I left it on a plate in the fridge."

She had managed to find a saucer that clearly had been sitting at the back of the cupboard for years, and had dust and a hair on it. Our usual plates are all clean, so to find that one, she must have rummaged through the cupboard, then she must have thought

"I will put the baby's rusk on that one, to show DIL I know she's a slattern".

(And yet she lets her cat wander on her work surface and lick people's food.) Anyway, I didn't get too upset about that issue because there's more to life than housework....(I did get upset though when baby was 6 weeks old, and FIL scolded me for not doing DH's cookery and laundry for him.)

Penny - the trouble is, I was trembling for a while after the onslaught, and for the rest of the day I found it hard to concentrate on anything other than what happened. So for now I find it easier to send DH in. But I did get some points across to her without engaging in her fight.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/07/2012 13:42

But there can only be fallout if you allow it.

For example if she wants to visit-say it´s not convenient & you will let her know-say goodbye & put the phone down.

Visit at theirs & leave after 1 or 2 hrs-or as soon as you have had enough.

Take some control.

Penguinface · 30/07/2012 14:32

When I was a baby, my mum's mum insulted my mum. My father asked her to leave for insulting his wife and when she didn't go straightaway, he physically picked her up, carried her to the front door and put her out on the front doorstep, closing the door behind her Grin

don't think your allowed to do stuff like that anymore though

(grandma didn't speak to my mum for a year, then realised she was missing out and came round. she was never rude to my mum again)

chocolatetester1 · 30/07/2012 14:43

She has a cat?! Develop an allergy and you never have to go to her house again! Wink

Original poster
seoladair · 30/07/2012 14:55

Her other son (not estranged) has a cat allergy. Interesting! She does complain that she never knows what's going on in his life....

OP posts:
chocolatetester1 · 30/07/2012 19:49

Sounds like he's got the right idea! Grin

Original poster
seoladair · 31/07/2012 02:01

DH is away tonight, but we had a long chat earlier. I am feeling quite low after it. He was being supportive, but says he has to be the peacemaker between both sides. I know this is true, but I want him to be more angry on behalf of me and our baby.
I said to him "Did you feel devastated to see your mother laying into me in front of our baby?"
He replied "I didn't like it."
I said "But did you feel furious with your mother"
He said "I wished it wasn't happening"

So he's supportive, but just not enough. He has been so conditioned by his parents since childhood that he finds it hard to openly condemn their behaviour.

I mentioned the estrangements but he said "Oh, these were for totally different reasons". He can't process the idea that his mum's aggressive domineering personality is the binding factor in all three family disputes.

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 31/07/2012 06:02

This sounds eerily like my MIL. I have been banned from their home but they still insist on buying loads of old shite for me and our expected baby.

To her this is some kind of treasure that is worth thousands of pounds and she managed to beat everyone to it.

PILs also have estranged everyone in their family other than DP because they have disagreed with them.

My DP is also conditioned to accept their behaviour as normal.

If I were you I would not send a nice card and would limit contact. I was never close to my GP's and DP never knew his (all abusive) and tbh i think that is better than a dysfunctional relationship. When my baby is born i will be controlling GP's access and protecting it from their particular flavour of crazy.

Good luck.

ChasedByBees · 31/07/2012 07:24

Seo that sounds quite disappointing from your DH. I think you're going to need to be the one to lay the foundations of a new relationship. I would Let your DH know that if she speaks to you like that you'll leave and not return until you get a proper apology.

If it happens again, say to her, 'I won't be spoken to like that' and leave.

It isn't a shame if your children never have contact with grandparents like these; it's a shame they don't have nice grandparents. You can't change that though.

I feel for you, the situation sounds awful.

pennyparanoia · 31/07/2012 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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