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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my son have his nails painted?

77 replies

2MumsAreBetterThan1 · 28/07/2012 22:15

Was sat painting my nails earlier today and my 8 year old son came over and asked if I would do his as well.

I said yes and he now has purple nails, I figured I wouldn't have said no to my 9 year old daughter so why say no to him and it's school holidays so why not.

Then once he went to bed my partner (also female by the way) commented that he was getting a bit old for that. Just to clarify she isn't of the boys should be macho and nail varnish will make him gay train of thought. She is worried he will be picked on for it.

Now it's got me thinking, should I have said no as the local kids may laugh, should I make him remove it before going out tomorrow?

I'm of the opinion that there is no such thing as "for girls or for boys" and people can wear and play with what they want but as my son is already z bully target due to his special needs I don't want to make it worse.

Should I as my partner suggested tell him boys don't usually wear nail varnish and some people may laugh and then let him decide if he wants it or not?

OP posts:
honeytea · 29/07/2012 00:18

70isalimitnotatarget a boy wearing pink or nail varnish in the school holidays is not going to get them excluded from school.

Why on earth would pink be offensive on a boy?

What if your son does want to wear nail varnish but he knows his mum can't stand it so he doesn't tell you?

I think it is hard enough being a child without having a narrow minded parent I'm not homophobic or anti anything well you clearly are anti long hair, pink, nail varnish, earings on boys!

bragmatic · 29/07/2012 00:27

I dong get the angst. It's nail varnish, not a tiara. Leave it.

bragmatic · 29/07/2012 00:28

Dong = don't.

Original poster
2MumsAreBetterThan1 · 29/07/2012 00:43

Thanks everyone.

Just to clarify it's only alowed in school holidays same as my daughter as against rules.

Should have also said part of my sons special needs means he does not really get social rules so he won't understand that nail varnish is usually for girls and it won't occur to him that he may be laughed at for it. Although I don't think he would care anyway.

Good suggestion lentilly, now do I need to match his handbag and heels to his nail varnish or not?

I think I'm going to leave him to it and let him decide. I wouldn't tell my daughter she can't wear a football kit etc. as it's for boys so it feels like double standards to do it the other way round.

Besides it's nail varnish, it's removable and I doubt he'll be crossdressing by the end of holidays.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/07/2012 00:54

honey I'm entitled to my opinions same as anyone.
My opinion hurt no-one.
Like I said you can dress your sons/daughters how you like.

If in the very unlikely event that my son would want to wear nail varnish or wear pink- he's 12, nearly 13, he can make up his own mind.
I think if my son wants to rebel. nail varnish won't be the way he chooses TBH.
I asked my DS "What would happen if someone went to your school in a dress?"
He replied "He'd get his head kicked in"

My DS did not say that he would kick his head in, before I get accused of having a thug. He said that's what would happen.
So why would I knowingly send my child out (my child) to that sort of reception?

Piercing- no. When he's 16 he can pierce whatever he wants, but until then he'd need my consent which I wouldn't give,

And IMO long hair on boys looks scruffy Hmm. Again my opinion.

solidgoldbrass · 29/07/2012 00:54

Thing is, if you're a bigoted fuckwit who says that some things are 'for boys' and some things are'for girls', not only are you going to make your own DC miserable, but you're going to give them the message that it's OK to bully other DC who don't conform to your miserable mundane viewpoint.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/07/2012 01:02

Whatever.
You don't know my DC.
Don't presume they are miserable.

My DC don't bully.
My son wouldn't give a whit if his mates wore nail varnish (as I said, some did in Yr 6)

My son said that's what would happen not what he would do.

There's a HUGE difference,

Let your boys wear what they like. Let them play with what they like. Daughters too.
Makes not a hill of beans difference to me.

FloraFox · 29/07/2012 01:16

2Mums you said your DS is already a target because of his SN. Do you think he would know whether this might lead to more bullying? If not, I think your DP is right, let him decide but gently explain some kids might laugh. I would let my DS wear nail polish if he wanted but only if I thought he would know what might happen. I wouldn't want him to come back and say "why didn't you tell me that might happen?" if he genuinely didn't know.

honeytea · 29/07/2012 01:16

I asked my DS "What would happen if someone went to your school in a dress?"
He replied "He'd get his head kicked in"

Did you not think to ask him if it would be fair to kick someones head in because they were different? Did you not think to ask him why people might want to punish other people just because of the way they look/dress? By accepting that a child would get their head kicked in you are in a way agreeing that it is an ok reaction to the situation.

if you send your kids out into the world as mainstream as possible, that won't be helpful in the long run, your kids will be a minority one day, how will they know how to deal with that if you have made sure that they don't stand out for any reason.

ravenAK · 29/07/2012 02:34

My ds is nearly 8 & sometimes wears black nail varnish, eg. for gothing it in Whitby.

He's still had it on for school before now (I'd forgotten to check he removed it), whereupon he was told off by his teacher for being in breach of uniform rules - he apologised & cleaned it off that evening.

I asked him what his friends had made of it. Apparently a few of his friends noticed, asked him about it & were quite happy with his explanation - the gist of which was 'I got to stay up late to watch my dad's band...at least my eyeliner's come off by now!'

I'd hate to think anyone would get their 'head kicked in' at school for dressing differently, which is why I do assemblies every year for these people.

SOPHIE

Krumbum · 29/07/2012 02:43

Victim blaming is never the answer. The bully is at fault and people should not have to change themselves to placate a bully.

AllYoursBabooshka · 29/07/2012 02:56

Good for you 2mums.

Bullies should be dealt with, not placated.

Teach your son to be himself.

AllYoursBabooshka · 29/07/2012 02:58

X post with Krum. I'm a little slow tonight.

Well said! :o

tharsheblows · 29/07/2012 03:02

My son loves manicures and pedicures, is currently sporting long pink dip dyed hair (dip dyed because no child at his school is allowed dyed hair - his is long and we'll cut off the pink bit before school starts) and has been wearing favourite wedge flip flops with Dalmation* straps. We're in the rural southern US for the summer (not exactly a hotbed of pc liberalism) and the only comments he's had have been complimentary.

I haven't explained that people might make fun of him. It's been my experience that people in the main are decent and kind. Some aren't, of course, but they might make fun of anything, really. And if they do, fuck 'em and we'll deal with it.

*not real Dalmation, that's cruel

Badgerina · 29/07/2012 04:59

My nearly-8-year-old son likes to have his nails painted. He says rock stars do it and so shall he. He also wears pink and has long hair...

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 29/07/2012 06:57

My DS2 (nearly 3) spent the day yesterday in his tarten trews and fetching clashing lurid pink fairy costume, complete with tutu, wings and hairband. We went to the county fair where he was very excited to ride on the fire engine, but only wanted the pink firefighter helmet. He has green toenails from when we watched the gruffalo, and pink fingernails from when I did mine and he wanted some. I agree with tharsheblows - most people are decent kind and don't see the problem, and we'll deal with the ones that aren't as as when.

sashh · 29/07/2012 07:09

70isaLimitNotaTarget

Do you live in the 1950s?

Beamae · 29/07/2012 07:18

He's 8! He's old enough to choose to wear whatever he wants, surely. Why would you want to stifle him? My nephew was like that, always choosing to be different to the rest of the children. He took a lot of stick for it when he was younger. But now he is the most amazing, creative and confident teenager who is super popular.

latebreakfast · 29/07/2012 08:07

I Don't see the point of letting a child dress so differently that it makes them a target

Yes, I've heard that one before... "she made herself a target by the clothes she wore".

It's utterly wrong there and it's utterly wrong here.

peggyblackett · 29/07/2012 08:35

OP YANBU

tharsheblows, are you a barenaked ladies fan?

sensuallettuce · 29/07/2012 08:43

DS2 likes to have his nails painted its fine. He's 10.

He also likes to wear my high heels around the house and has told me he thinks he might be gay. Which is also fine.

I like DS2 to be happy.

TimeWasting · 29/07/2012 08:43

YANBU. Why should girls have all the fun!

LindyHemming · 29/07/2012 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerMum · 29/07/2012 08:53

My 10 yr old dd hates having her nails painted, hates pink, has black and purple hair and doesn't like skirts or dresses. Maybe I should force her into a fairy dress as that's what girls should look like?

OP your boy sounds well funky. If he's happy then that would be good enough for me.

Onadietcolabreak · 29/07/2012 08:57

My 5 year old often wears nail varnish, he loves coping his sister, he's quite aware that it's a 'girl' thing. But wants it on regardless. When I know we are going to, say a party, I just let him have his toenails painted. And I have often forgot to remove it before school, and he has proudly shown it to his class mates without any negative comments :)

It's the adults that have had a problem, my DM and EXP (who after lecturing me on "trying to turn him into a girl" posted photos of himself in drag and full make up on Facebook) often tell me off for it.

DS also had long curly hair up untill very recently, and was told repeatedly I had to cut it before he started school, as he would get picked on, no such thing happened! He loved his long hair, but has to have it cut off a few weeks ago, as he got a gunky toy stuck it it!

IMO, if a bully wants to bully another child, they will find something, how ever small because of there own insecurities.