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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that DP is partying while I'm ill? And to top it off...

53 replies

CuttedUpPear · 28/07/2012 20:51

He's taking his female house mate with him.
Background is we've been together 4.5 years, we have separate homes and 2 DCs each. Mine are nearly grown now, his live abroad and are younger.

This morning I woke up early with a bladder infection, lots of bladder and kidney pain. DP took me to A&E and I got my antibiotics so am on the mend now although still sore and moving is painful.

DP decided after 4 hours of Olympic viewing here today that he would go home and get ready to go out tonight. I would have been going with him (though not overly bothered) but now am a bit poorly and not up to it.

I have been a bit bothered recently that his female housemate is always on his social scene but I haven't mentioned it. He lives with two very old friends and her, she works with one of them. They are all in their forties.

DP has just rung to see how I am and he mentioned that she is going with him, to this very informal house party. I feel really pissed off and he knows it now, I was sulky on the phone.
He told me to stop being silly and that he shouldn't have to justify his actions to me.

MNetters please tell me it's nothing to get worked up about. I'm stuck at home with grumpy DS (15) and a sore kidney.

OP posts:
1Catherine1 · 28/07/2012 20:57

Have you any reason to believe that they are anything other than friends?

I would probably react EXACTLY the same way, with a little sulk, but later not make a big deal about it.

I think it's a little harsh for him to say that he shouldn't have to justify his actions to YOU, as personally I believe that a partner should reassure their OH if they need it, not resent it. But, he is entitled to female friends. Imagine if this was in reverse, you're off out with a male housemate and your DP sulks, half of MN would be ranting about trust and controlling behaviour.

So the real question is, do you trust him?

Jemma1111 · 28/07/2012 20:58

I would be pissed off too , especially because he clears off out whilst your ill . He's a selfish git

ENormaSnob · 28/07/2012 20:58

Have you posted about them before?

JumpingThroughHoops · 28/07/2012 20:58

You werent bothered when you were well about the party. So dont be bothered his mate is going because you are ill. She is a stand in.. Frankly if there were anything untoward going on, it would be going on in the house, not at a party.

Sorry you aren't feeling well, but it's just an attack of the 'woe is me' because he isn't curbing his social life to be with you.

You don't live together, he isn't your partner, he's your boyfriend. Harsh but partners commit and share. Hmm you dont want to hear that do you?

Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 28/07/2012 21:00

I have always trusted him. But for the last year he's lived separately from me (after a serious illness). I think the house share thing is almost his mid life thingy. The separate lives issue has been a big one for me - we were planning a home together but it hasn't happened. Yet. If ever.

The woman house mate is fine I guess but she's single and has seemed to spend a lot of time with him over the last few months. Everything he does, she's there too.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 28/07/2012 21:01

Hey hang on jumping why don't you want me to call him my partner? As far as we are both concerned that what we are.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 28/07/2012 21:04

Sorry pear but I agree with jumping.

He's a boyfriend, not a partner IMO.

Sounds like a reluctant boyfriend at that.

Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 28/07/2012 21:04

ENorma I have posted about DP with another female friend before. That time it was someone i was about to start working with who was pawing him in front of me.
That situation ended up with me out of that particular job (she got me removed) and a lot of tension between DP/me/her. He has been tactful and supportive since.

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 28/07/2012 21:06

It sounds like you need to make a decision whether this is a serious relationship or not. YANBU to feel a bit hurt that he has gone to the party without you, you need to tell him if you want more than this

Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 28/07/2012 21:06

Am I to think that if he is just my boyfriend and not my partner (as decided by others here) then the level of commitment I should expect is lower? That's crazy.

OP posts:
QueenofPlaids · 28/07/2012 21:07

Fom reading your OP, he doesn't sound like a partner, more a boyfriend.

4.5 years, house-sharing like a student & not committing to a life with you? Fine if you're both happy. It's not coming across in your OP though.

diddl · 28/07/2012 21:07

Yup, sounds like a boyfriend to me also.

He´s gone home to get ready to go out-sounds like a single bloke even!

ENormaSnob · 28/07/2012 21:09

I remember your last thread pear.

IMHO he really sounds just not that into you.

MushroomSoup · 28/07/2012 21:09

Tbh, I agree with Jumping. If you don't even live together he is not a partner. He's a boyfriend. IMO that's no different to my 15yo DD and her boyfriend and I wouldn't expect that she could dictate to him when and where he could go out. Sorry.

1Catherine1 · 28/07/2012 21:09

I am also missing the point in distinguishing the difference between boyfriend and partner. The only difference for me is money, boyfriend and girlfriend are separate, partners are joint.

This has nothing to do with that. This for OP is about whether he should have gone out with her or not.

mumblecrumble · 28/07/2012 21:12

Are your children his?

mumblecrumble · 28/07/2012 21:13

See one is 15 and you've been together.. sorry

Sorry you feel crappy :( I had similar last night, I felt unwell and DH wwent out. But he had a brilliant time anbd has been fab today. He even got up early with DD and let me sleep.

ENormaSnob · 28/07/2012 21:13

After 4.5 years op, do you not feel you deserve better?

Or are you completely happy with this set up?

JumpingThroughHoops · 28/07/2012 21:14

the question in the OP isn't whether he can go out - it is the company he is keeping.

now if he were going to get his leg over with his house mate, it isn't going to be at a party. It's going to be at home, cozy night in, alone together, bedroom doors next to each other. Opportunity.

Trust here isn't the issue. The Op trusts him. The Op has the hump because the house mate has stepped in to accompany the DP/BF to an event the Op wasn't fussed about in the first place

diddl · 28/07/2012 21:14

Well I guess it depends on whether the other woman was invited as well or whether due to OP not going-he has invited her or she has invited herself along iyswim.

Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 28/07/2012 21:15

Thank you Catherine

For the purposes of this post my partner has been downgraded to the position of boyfriend.

Ok. How do I deal with my own stupid jealous feelings?
Sadly one of the reasons we have lasted this long (it's a long time for me) is because he doesn't make me jealous nor is he possessive.
I've been in two EA and DV relationships with my DCs fathers. After a few more years of 'boyfriends' this relationship has been easy and fun.

OP posts:
mumblecrumble · 28/07/2012 21:18

if you were me.... his housemate would become my new best friend.

ENormaSnob · 28/07/2012 21:19

But he does make you jealous going off this post and your last one.

Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 28/07/2012 21:21

Jumping I think you have it there. I have the hump. And if they were going to get it together they have every opportunity at home.
Although I was bit narked last week at DP describing her as a 'fine woman'.

Perhaps she is filling in for me a bit too much.

OP posts:
Inneedofbrandy · 28/07/2012 21:22

tbf OP He told me to stop being silly and that he shouldn't have to justify his actions to me. That does sound like you have been quite jealous for that to come out of his mouth.