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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that DP is partying while I'm ill? And to top it off...

53 replies

CuttedUpPear · 28/07/2012 20:51

He's taking his female house mate with him.
Background is we've been together 4.5 years, we have separate homes and 2 DCs each. Mine are nearly grown now, his live abroad and are younger.

This morning I woke up early with a bladder infection, lots of bladder and kidney pain. DP took me to A&E and I got my antibiotics so am on the mend now although still sore and moving is painful.

DP decided after 4 hours of Olympic viewing here today that he would go home and get ready to go out tonight. I would have been going with him (though not overly bothered) but now am a bit poorly and not up to it.

I have been a bit bothered recently that his female housemate is always on his social scene but I haven't mentioned it. He lives with two very old friends and her, she works with one of them. They are all in their forties.

DP has just rung to see how I am and he mentioned that she is going with him, to this very informal house party. I feel really pissed off and he knows it now, I was sulky on the phone.
He told me to stop being silly and that he shouldn't have to justify his actions to me.

MNetters please tell me it's nothing to get worked up about. I'm stuck at home with grumpy DS (15) and a sore kidney.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/07/2012 21:22

I think after 4.5 years I´d expect him to be more committed tbh-then the going out with a housemate might not seem an issue.

But if he´s not going to cheat-he´s not.

Inneedofbrandy · 28/07/2012 21:23

I would make her my new BFF to Grin invite her round for sunday dinner.

MamaMumra · 28/07/2012 21:38

Sad I hope you feel better.

Yanbu and are not being silly!

Curl up on the sofa with a hot drink and a DVD and have a nice night.

Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 28/07/2012 23:13

Thanks MamaMumra. Picked up DD from the station just now and we have had a good old chin wag, agreed men are the pits at times, got my kids home now so shall just try to focus on that.

OP posts:
holyfishnets · 29/07/2012 00:56

If he has been looking after you all day, then maybe it's fine for him to go jolly it up. I wouldn't be concerned unless you suspected he was seeing another woman as more then a friend.

It's a bit odd he has moved out though. Do you think that the relationship has a future? Seems a bit back to front if you are aiming to buy a house together. How would he respond if you were going to buy one this summer?

TellyBug · 29/07/2012 01:03

Where is this relationship status dictionary?

bogeyface · 29/07/2012 01:03

He isnt your problem but she is

"Oh, is cutteduppear ill and cant go? Well I'm not doing anything, shall I keep you company?"

add that to his clear issues with boundaries ~(re the first woman) and yes, I would be bloody pissed off.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 29/07/2012 02:05

bogeyface

or alternatively

Him: "what are you doing tonight?"
Her: "No plans. just probably watch TV"
Him:" Come to this party if you want"
Her: "Really? Seems a bit rude to just crash."
Him: "No- it's really informal. They won't mind."

That's how the conversation would have gone when I was in a flat share (admittedly I was 25, not 45), but even now, for house parties, most invites end with "friends, lovers & visitors welcome" - i.e. bring extras. Don't need to check/ask first.

I dont see the big problem here, other than different life stages of the OP and the bf which seems to be the crux of the matter.

bogeyface · 29/07/2012 02:16

Fair point.

Tbh i think her OH (she says, neatly sidestepping the DP v BF issue) sounds very childish.

Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 29/07/2012 10:09

I think you're right bogeyface DP/BF (sorry I can't use OH as I hate the term) is a bit immature sometimes.

His view is that in the last few years he has beaten cancer (three years ago the doctors told him there was nothing at all they could do, so he shouldn't be alive now, but he is actually very well), he has got divorced and lost his capital property in the process, and restarted his working life in this country after being abroad for 15 years.

He wants to live near his work and tbh he doesn't want to live in my house. Mine is a housing association house where I've lived for 8 years alone with my DCs. It's lovely and rural and 50 mins from his work but DP/BF feels it's 'mine' and if he lives with me he'd want us to start again in a new property.

He is in the process of buying a house with his brother - their mother has lent them money to do so, they are planning to live in it and rent out the other rooms. This puts any plans of ours off for another few years. However I can't move for a year because of DS at school so this seems to be the reason he's gone ahead with other plans.

I think the comments about the housemate going along as a casual guest are valid and I should try and see it that way. Unfortunately I am not usually wrong about these things and although I'm sure that DP has no intentions towards her, I'm concerned about their growing relationship. I've read about emotional affairs here and I know that when DP and I have had rough times he has talked to her as he tells me that the other people in his house are often not there and it's usually just him and her there.

Disquiet is what I feel.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 29/07/2012 10:20

You would be crazy to give up your HA house to move in with this guy.

DinahMoHum · 29/07/2012 10:38

i dont live with my partner. Hes still my partner. We used to live together.

Tbh i dont see the problem and he shouldnt have to justify himself to you for this, otherwise whats the point in living apart? It sounds like youre not happy with the situation in general though and your illness has made you feel vulnerable and it may be time for a big talk about what you both want from the future, but dont let anyone tell you that living apart is not a proper relationship or something that you need to move on from "just because". Its a perfectly valid way of living

Shullbit · 29/07/2012 11:17

What is it about their growing friendship you don't like?

I have been the best of friends with a guy for 13 years. Only been with DP for 9 and at first, he was sceptical about how close me and my friend are. We talk every day, even if it is just a quick "You and the kids ok?" or "You'll never guess what..." type thing. As I pointed out to my DP back then, a) If I wanted a relationship with this friend, then I had plenty of time to do so before I got with him, and b) Would it bother him if he was a female and cause him worry that I wanted a lesbian relationship? Doubt it and DP realised how stupid he was being and has been fine since.

They are probably just friends who click and get on like an house on fire. Doesn't mean either of them wants to shag the other. And he is entitled to have friends, female and male, and go out.

If you don't trust him however as he has given you reasons not to, then I would be questioning the relationship, not trying to keep him in looking after myself so he doesn't have the opportunity. You won't stop him if he is going to cheat.

But men and women can just be friends. And I agree with what he said over this particular thing, he shouldn't have to justify unless you have reason to believe he is a sleazy bastard. He is going out with a friend, why does he need to justify that?

Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 30/07/2012 00:17

You have voiced my gut feeling athinginyourlife
Does anyone else here think the same - that I would be crazy to give up my HA house to live with DP?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 00:25

whatever this bloke is to you, he doesn't sound like a long term bet

maybe on your side

but on his ?

nah

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/07/2012 00:32

You would be mad to give up your house, utterly mad. That is your security for your kids.

EllenParsons · 30/07/2012 00:39

YABU

I don't think there is anything wrong with him going to a pre planned party without you when you are ill, especially if you don't live together so it's not like you expected him to stay home and tend to you! If you are suspicious about him going with a female friend that is not completely normal - do you have reason to not trust him?

Inneedofbrandy · 30/07/2012 00:39

No do not ever give up your house unless you get married maybe. Especially because he moved in and out. Could you imagine starting again if the worse happens in a 1bed flat paying more rent then what you do for your HA house. Really really OP.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 00:40

eh ? I thought you were both totally happy with this set up ?

why are you asking if it would be a good idea to give up your hoiuse ?

has he asked you to ?

(the answer is no, btw, whilst you have so little trust in him, not without good cause it has to be said)

Original poster
CuttedUpPear · 30/07/2012 01:07

No he hasn't asked me to. But I was considering it (just hypothetically, in my head, we haven't discussed it).
It's good to get your input.

OP posts:
CaliforniaLeaving · 30/07/2012 01:31

Don't give up the house without being married to him. You will be giving up your security for you and the kids.

Shullbit · 30/07/2012 02:07

What AnyFucker said.

Obviously you should not give up yours and your childrens security, but if you are even having to get clarification for that, then it doesn't seem good from the outside.

cuppateaandasliceofcake · 30/07/2012 07:52

You actually went to a & e with a bladder infection?
From your op he does sound like your typical boyfriend, caring but not totally committed. If he was going to cheat on you with his housemate, he wouldn't need to wait for an occasion as they already share the same house. Hope you're feeling better now though

GhostShip · 30/07/2012 07:55

Can't believe you're living like this if you've been together for 4.5 years Confused if be expecting more.

GhostShip · 30/07/2012 07:55

cuppa sometimes you need to.

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