To be pissed off that DP is partying while I'm ill? And to top it off...

[CuttedUpPear]

He's taking his female house mate with him.
Background is we've been together 4.5 years, we have separate homes and 2 DCs each. Mine are nearly grown now, his live abroad and are younger.

This morning I woke up early with a bladder infection, lots of bladder and kidney pain. DP took me to A&E and I got my antibiotics so am on the mend now although still sore and moving is painful.

DP decided after 4 hours of Olympic viewing here today that he would go home and get ready to go out tonight. I would have been going with him (though not overly bothered) but now am a bit poorly and not up to it.

I have been a bit bothered recently that his female housemate is always on his social scene but I haven't mentioned it. He lives with two very old friends and her, she works with one of them. They are all in their forties.

DP has just rung to see how I am and he mentioned that she is going with him, to this very informal house party. I feel really pissed off and he knows it now, I was sulky on the phone.
He told me to stop being silly and that he shouldn't have to justify his actions to me.

MNetters please tell me it's nothing to get worked up about. I'm stuck at home with grumpy DS (15) and a sore kidney.

Cutteduppear - I will offer this as some form of (possible) consolation.
My first lodger was a friend, also the boyfriend of a friend. She said to me quite early on "look, I know it's your house but sometimes we will want to do stuff just the two of us, I hope you don't mind" - and of course I didn't, I understood. They did still include me a fair bit which was nice - but often didn't.

So. He lived in my house, she didn't - and because we were friends of course we talked. And because they had different expectations of their relationship, he talked to me about it, and so did she sometimes. Sometimes, I went to places with him and without her, whenever she was busy or hadn't come down - so we'd go to the pub together, or shopping, or things like that.

At no time did we have anything other than a friendship going on. But - I did know that she had far more invested in the relationship than he did, and that she wouldn't believe him when he said he "didn't love her but was fond of her" - she chose to believe that his actions spoke louder than words (she was wrong).

And as the relationship went on, and didn't get any closer/deeper, she started to get suspicious of me and my friendship with him; and to get more suspicious the more he talked to me. I tried to play a straight game between the two of them, neither giving up confidences, nor lying to either - and it was bloody hard work. In the end of course it didn't work out, and she accused me of betrayal, had badmouthed me to all her friends (some of whom were mutual) and we stopped being friends (he'd moved out of my house ages before, he was only a lodger for about 9m). Very disquieting all round.

But - my point - nothing was going on, not even an "emotional affair", but she still didn't like the level of friendship we had because her jealousy got the better of her. :(

From an outsiders point of view you would be crazy to give up your house for this man, while you continue to enjoy the relationship and are having fun then that's all that is needed, but do keep checking in with yourself that it is still worth it

Am very surprised at the posters who are not happy with you using the term 'partner' and insist he can be no more than your 'boyfriend' are we 14 and still at school? Last time I checked none of them had legal definations, call him what the hell you like.

cuppa it was a Saturday so my doctors were closed, and the infection had evolved from cystitis in the week to very unpleasant bladder and kidney pain by Saturday morning. I got an appointment at A&E with the out of hours doctor. All better now thanks to antibiotics.

Thumbwitch thanks for your input, a useful post. I think this is the situation really. I had a dingdong with spoke to DP yesterday and after him calling me silly a lot he eventually said that he wasn't attracted to her at all, which I think if he'd said in the beginning would have been useful.

FWIW I feel the need to explain my point of view about us living together - I have 2 DCs by different fathers, those relationships were awful and I've lived alone since the last one ended 13 years ago. My DCs are 15 and 20 now, and although I've had a few brief relationships this has been the longest one.
I don't believe in marriage on principle. I do believe in healthy, supportive, long term partnerships.

I also think it's possible to have a relationship with someone and not live under the same roof as them. In my case I think it has been better for us to do so. I'm a bit of a grump at times and like things done my way (a result of being in charge for so long!)

My DCs are growing up now so I think I'm ready for a change. However my DS (15) has behavioural difficulties, and is not very independent. I think this is one of the factors in DP's reluctance to commit to a joint home for us - also he has just had a nasty divorce and lost his life savings and previous home in the process. He is reluctant to get financially involved again. I can understand this but at the same time feel it's a bit of a personal insult.

However DP says that buying the house he is doing now is a way to gain a foothold in the market so that he can sell on in a few years and be mortgage worthy (he isn't atm because his other property is abroad and was bought outright). I feel that I am waiting...but I suppose life's like that? I have no real capital myself so can't initiate any property buying.