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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shouted at neighbour's son for hitting my daughter

78 replies

HarbourSeal · 27/07/2012 22:04

So my 5 year old DD and I moved to our own wee flat a few months ago. We're in a very nice cul de sac with lots of kids of similar age and a play park right across a quiet road. I knew she would have some problems fitting in with the kids at first, so have encouraged her at every point to settle disputes herself and to only get me involved when needed.

My neighbours have a five year old girl and a three year old boy. The girl has had her nose seriously bent out of joint since DD came on the scene (she's a queen bee if ever I saw one, but DD is clueless about that sort of stuff and just wants to be friends with everyone, the idiot) and treats DD with contempt. Her younger brother is a sweet boy but lashes out at times. Yesterday there was an argument about our back garden, so I marched out to tell them it was DDs back garden as much as theirs and they weren't allowed to 'ban' her and her friends, so to speak. As I did I caught the boy, three years old, kicking my daughter in the stomach. Not only kicking her, but levering himself against a wall and a pole to kick her harder.

So I shouted at him. It doesn't matter what I said, but it was loud and I scared him. He and his sister went inside and afterward he and DD bumped into each other at the ice cream van and apologised. I thought this was sorted and that he wouldn't be stupid enough to do it again...

... So what happened today? He pushed her off a wall. I didn't see it, she told me, so I marched out and reminded him that he shouldn't hit DD. The parents came out, we got into a shouting match, and they said all kids hit each other etc etc. they said I scared their son, that I had no right.

Thing is, this my daughter and I do not want her to be hit. I do not want her to be scared of playing outside with her friends. I also do not want to sever all ties with my neighbours. I do not want to have to watch her like a hawk to make sure she is safe. I do not believe this boy's behaviour is what all kids do: looking back on it, DD's complaints of being hit have been about this boy. I know I have to apologise for shouting, but I want to be clear that I am not apologising for being mistaken or to absolve his behaviour. I also want him to apologise to my daughter about today, because I really don't think this is right. How do I do this?

Also, the mum is clearly ill (she has lost a dramatic amount of weight and has been in hospital - I didn't recognise her today when she came to the door) and I feel awful about this on one hand and, yet, I don't give a rat's fart. Control your kids. Is it normal to feel this angry on your daughter's behalf? I am usually the world's calmest and most logical person (hell, I am studying to be a fucking DOCTOR, i work in a coffee shop and am used to dealing with rude and violent people) and I just felt like I could've killed them and their son for hurting my daughter. Is that normal? How do you control it?

When DD went through this stage I MADE her apologised to everyone she hit which she hated, but it made her stop pretty damn quick. Is this the right way to deal with this?

Be gentle!

OP posts:
Adviceinscotland · 27/07/2012 22:08

Not much help but I'm the same.

Do what you want to me but touch my dc and I will tear you a new arsehole! Grin

Original poster
HarbourSeal · 27/07/2012 22:11

Phew, so I'm not a psycho?

OP posts:
Fuzzymuzz · 27/07/2012 22:14

I'd have said something loud shouted to the kid to let him know I wasn't happy. Then I would have told him to go and get his Mum so that I could discuss it with her.

YANBU to want to protect your child - but maybe you should have involved the parents prior to them seeing you shouting at their children.

LisaD1 · 27/07/2012 22:15

Well, YANBU to want to protect your DD but my initial thoughts are maybe the mums is very unwell and the little lad is playing up to the situation around him? That of course does not mean that he should not be reprimanded but I would try to deal with this delicately and with empathy for what the other family may be going thru at the moment.

Floggingmolly · 27/07/2012 22:15

Whee do you live? 5 and 3 year olds seem ridiculously young to be playing out unsupervised. Maybe you need to keep a closer eye?

CogPsych · 27/07/2012 22:18

YABU

To a certain extent, it IS normal for kids to hit each other. How many people went through life not getting into a bit of a tussle when young? Every time you get involved, and shout at a 3 year old boy who doesn't yet understand much about the world, you are hindering your daughter's development of autonomy. Let her fight her own battles, you're not going to be able to watch her all the time as she grows up so she needs to learn to avoid harmful situations or deal with them herself. And getting involved in a back garden territorial dispute amongst under 5's, was that really necessary? Getting into a shouting match with the neighbours is probably doing her more harm long term IMO, it's not a very good example.

I think a lot of parents want to wrap their children up in cotton wool these days, and all it does is produce fragile adults.

holyfishnets · 27/07/2012 22:19

Agree with the parents that each time he does something violent that you tell parents and let them deal with it. And just keep telling them each time. At the same time tell him off quickly, calmly and firmly. It's your DD hes hitting and it is unacceptable. Shouting shows loss of control by the way.

I don't agree that all kids hit. Thats nonsense. A number of kids may try out hitting but most will stop if the parents deal with it properly.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 27/07/2012 22:20

Hmm tricky one.

But I would go nuts if another adult thought it was their duty to shout at my 3 year old-regardless what he'd done. I'm his mother and I would like to know if my ds had done something wrong and I would take the appropriate action. He is only 3. It's not up to anyone else but me and dh to shout/discipline etc our child.

Maybe go round tomorrow for a civil chat with the parents and discuss what's gone on and try and nip it in the bud now.

But at least your dd knows you're there to stick up for her in such situations. Hope it's sorted quickly so you can enjoy your garden over the summer hols.

holyfishnets · 27/07/2012 22:21

Don't agree with cog. Letting them fight it out means the bully or dominant child or more violent child wins every time. The top dog remains top dog and doesn't reflect on his poor actions.

chandellina · 27/07/2012 22:22

Yanbu and I would continue to be firm with the children though not shouting. Hitting is never acceptable.

Moominsarescary · 27/07/2012 22:24

I don't think you would be very happy if they shouted at your daughter. You should have told the parents

SugarBatty · 27/07/2012 22:26

You sound very aggressive in your post, no wonder you scared a 3 year old! 5 and 3 is very young to be playing out unsupervised. Without adults to help diffuse situations its no wonder it results in this kind of thing! All of us feel an instinct to protect our children, that's natural. You should have spoke to the parents instead of shouting at their three year old son, and it does matter what you said to him. It isn't very nice to refer to your own dd as an idiot either. I don't see why training to be a doctor has anything to do with this either.

LingDiLong · 27/07/2012 22:27

But it DOES matter what you said. If you shouted DO NOT HIT DD then YANBU if you shouted 'TOUCH MY DD AGAIN AND I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, YOU LITTLE BASTARD' then YABU. And what did this 'shouting match' consist of?

You sound pretty volatile in your OP to be honest, which makes me wonder if you've gone OTT. It's perfectly reasonable to chastise a child who hits your daughter, and to discuss it with their parents. It sounds like it went further than that though...

FateLovesTheFearless · 27/07/2012 22:32

You shouted at a three year old?! Three? Fgs yes yabu. You are within your rights to protect your dd but not be terrifying a preschooler.

MammaTJ · 27/07/2012 22:32

Lioness protecting her cubs!! That is what does and should come out in all of us when our little ones are hurt or upset by someone else. What you have to realise is that other parents feel the same about their cubs too!!

You do need to say sorry for upsetting their child but while doing this, try to discuss a strategy that will ensure it won't happen again!!

I would have done the same though

Olympicnmix · 27/07/2012 22:37

They all sound very young to playing out unsupervised. There needs to be a watchful adult there so it doesn't progress to the pushing off the wall stage.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 27/07/2012 22:43

YANBU

If my three year old (or any other my others) kicked or pushed someone off a wall I would expect them to be shouted at

As long as you didn't threaten him or swear at him then I think you were in the right

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2012 22:48

You were a bit too quick to jump in and take the first post as a gauge of what people would think about your OP.

I agree with Ling that it does matter what you shouted, I'm the same in being defensive over my DDs, but shouting at a 3 YO who doesn't know better isn't the same as shouting at a 10 YO who's hit your DC.

If I was the parent of the 3 YO and you really shouted at them I might get a bit miffed as a first reaction. (although could they have been like that because they knew they should have been supervising/sorting their lad out themselves?)

You're going to have to stand back a bit and not get so involved when you're DD starts school (if she hasn't already), there'll be tons of this crap and you'll be doing her no favours making it worse than it already is.

thepeoplesprincess · 27/07/2012 22:52

YABU to be bellowing at a three year old. A stern word should suffice at that age.

Wearsuncream · 27/07/2012 22:54

Yanbu - and not all children hit/kick etc. Agree with the other poster - does depend on what you said - but 'allowing' your child to be hurt because its ' normal' is ridiculous and harmful.

1Catherine1 · 27/07/2012 23:02

My rule is this...

If I'm witnessing it then it is my duty to stop it, its about protecting children. I will speak to the child who is doing the hitting, shouting if necessary. As long as it isn't anything hurtful. For instance, tell the child to behave and inform him he has no right to hit your DD, not "go away you hateful spawn of Satan". I think WHAT you said is quite relevant.

If I am told after the fact then it is a discipline issue and you should have at that point gone to your neighbours and knocked on the door and discussed it with them. At that point your DD was not in immediate danger.

It would be unreasonable to walk past your DD being hit and do nothing to avoid hurting that child's feelings.

FateLovesTheFearless · 27/07/2012 23:02

No one said anything about allowing. There are other methods to take than ranting at a three year old. I have 4dc and some of them have been hit in the past at various ages. Yes it's hard not to be furious at your child being hurt but a bit of self control! Telling him firmly not to hit and bringing it to the parents attention fine. Scaring a three year old is not fine in my book.

LingDiLong · 27/07/2012 23:05

I also agree with 1Catherine1, if you witness something then you stop it there and then. If you're told something has happened by another child then you take it with a pinch of salt and do some further investigating if necessary before you wade in and start shouting.

purplesprouting · 27/07/2012 23:06

Long term you want your dd to have local friends and play out with them. She is newish, it will change dynamics and children between 3 to 5 won't manage such transitions smoothly...they are all queen bees developmentally:)

I can't see the sense in scaring a 3yr old, alienating his family and adding to conflict when supervision, a quiet firm word and if needed a chat with parents would be more effective. You didn't even see what happened today, if your 5 yr old never provokes, fibs or exaggerates then that would be unusual.

I would apologise and supervise.

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2012 23:11

I shout at my 2.5 YO when I come into the room and she's balanced on one foot on the arm of the setee trying to get a book from the bookshelf.

She can be up there in 10 seconds, and raising my voice to tell her to get down for the 50th time that day, although not effective (Hmm), gets it across that it's something she shouldn't do.

Other peoples children are totally different, telling them they shouldn't be hitting someone and should play nicely is a world away from actually disciplining them.

That's not your job.