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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shouted at neighbour's son for hitting my daughter

78 replies

HarbourSeal · 27/07/2012 22:04

So my 5 year old DD and I moved to our own wee flat a few months ago. We're in a very nice cul de sac with lots of kids of similar age and a play park right across a quiet road. I knew she would have some problems fitting in with the kids at first, so have encouraged her at every point to settle disputes herself and to only get me involved when needed.

My neighbours have a five year old girl and a three year old boy. The girl has had her nose seriously bent out of joint since DD came on the scene (she's a queen bee if ever I saw one, but DD is clueless about that sort of stuff and just wants to be friends with everyone, the idiot) and treats DD with contempt. Her younger brother is a sweet boy but lashes out at times. Yesterday there was an argument about our back garden, so I marched out to tell them it was DDs back garden as much as theirs and they weren't allowed to 'ban' her and her friends, so to speak. As I did I caught the boy, three years old, kicking my daughter in the stomach. Not only kicking her, but levering himself against a wall and a pole to kick her harder.

So I shouted at him. It doesn't matter what I said, but it was loud and I scared him. He and his sister went inside and afterward he and DD bumped into each other at the ice cream van and apologised. I thought this was sorted and that he wouldn't be stupid enough to do it again...

... So what happened today? He pushed her off a wall. I didn't see it, she told me, so I marched out and reminded him that he shouldn't hit DD. The parents came out, we got into a shouting match, and they said all kids hit each other etc etc. they said I scared their son, that I had no right.

Thing is, this my daughter and I do not want her to be hit. I do not want her to be scared of playing outside with her friends. I also do not want to sever all ties with my neighbours. I do not want to have to watch her like a hawk to make sure she is safe. I do not believe this boy's behaviour is what all kids do: looking back on it, DD's complaints of being hit have been about this boy. I know I have to apologise for shouting, but I want to be clear that I am not apologising for being mistaken or to absolve his behaviour. I also want him to apologise to my daughter about today, because I really don't think this is right. How do I do this?

Also, the mum is clearly ill (she has lost a dramatic amount of weight and has been in hospital - I didn't recognise her today when she came to the door) and I feel awful about this on one hand and, yet, I don't give a rat's fart. Control your kids. Is it normal to feel this angry on your daughter's behalf? I am usually the world's calmest and most logical person (hell, I am studying to be a fucking DOCTOR, i work in a coffee shop and am used to dealing with rude and violent people) and I just felt like I could've killed them and their son for hurting my daughter. Is that normal? How do you control it?

When DD went through this stage I MADE her apologised to everyone she hit which she hated, but it made her stop pretty damn quick. Is this the right way to deal with this?

Be gentle!

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 28/07/2012 01:11

I've got a pretty good grip on things, thanks. I am not, for example, calling someone disgusting online behind the safety of online anonymity. This has been a momentary lapse for which I needed advice, not a scolding.

Well you don't. Because your looking for validation for shouting in a 3 year olds face of which you're not the parent.

The advice is clear. Sort yourself the fuck out.

Thankfully you won't get to choose your own career, because this country regulates those that work with other peoples children.

And you'll fail. Every time.

FateLovesTheFearless · 28/07/2012 01:14

Just last week was the first time my dc were asked where their dad was. I didn't jump up to referee, I listened and allowed my dc to deal with it themselves, there was no call to jump in without cause.

As it was it was a four year old boy that asked my dd1 and 2 where was their dad and was he dead. Reply: no he just lives in another house. No need to go jumping up anywhere.

mumnosbest · 28/07/2012 01:25

sorry YABVU. you cant go round shouting in a 3yr olds face.if you are concerned about his behaviour and dd cant deal with it herself then speak to the parents. A simple 'would you mind having a worrd with your son...' would have done iy. Now i fear that wont be possible as theyve already seen you overreact and will assume you are overprotective/have it in for thrir dc. maybe if you apologise for shouting at their son it would be a start.

bejeezus · 28/07/2012 01:30

Hold up....OP has Aspergers, and is asking for advice on how to handle a social situation

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2012 01:40

When I was looking for the bit I missed about where the aspergers fitted in (it's her DD not the OP), I noticed I said 'You were a bit too quick to jump in and take the first post as a gauge of what people would think about your OP.' to you saying 'Phew, so I'm not a psycho?', I just wanted to say I wasn't insinuating you are a 'psycho' (not a word I like), sorry if it read like that.

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2012 01:42

Just read it again further, and the OP has aspergers as well Grin

bejeezus · 28/07/2012 01:43

ww suspect dd has aspergers like myself

OP has Aspergers

JessePinkman · 28/07/2012 01:49

Bejeezus so if I said to her just to call her dd in when things were getting ugly, is that a reflection on her aspergers, or is it just advice I would give to anybody? I would advise anybody not to get into a shouting match with a three year old.

bejeezus · 28/07/2012 01:53

jessie I was more responding to comments like sort yourself the fuck out

bejeezus · 28/07/2012 01:55

And being called an idiot

MamaMimi · 28/07/2012 02:33

Yep, I'm with bejeezus here and think there has been a complete over-reaction to the OP's post.

She did not say that she shouted 'in the 3 yo face' or that she had a shouting match with him. She shouted as a reaction to what he did to her dd, and was probably pretty shaken up by the whole thing afterwards. And, yes, the 3 yo may have been shaken up too, so he shouldn't go around hitting other kids should he? and then he won't get shouted at.

OP, I think your reactions to what has happened to your dd are perfectly natural and it takes a lot to hold back in the heat of the moment because in that moment you are so angry and annoyed that you react instinctively.

You are not being ott pfb, you are being a protective mother who worries about and cares for her dd and there is nothing wrong with that.

Obviously your career will not involve you having to protect your own dd from children wth bad behaviour and bullying traits so there is no reason that how you reacted in this instance should affect what you do as a living on daily basis.

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2012 02:44

There's something wrong with being protective if the you don't know not to shout at someone elses 3 YO so loudly that it scared the shit out of them, Mama.

bejeezus · 28/07/2012 05:47

Mama is not with me! Smile

Because I don't think there has been an over reaction to OPs first post. I do think she is being ott pfb. And I do think her behaviour might indicate bed side manner problems for future career

I just think, we should cut out the personal insults, and offer advice ad to how to move forward

financialwizard · 28/07/2012 09:03

FWIW I caught a man squaring up to my then 9 year old DS. By the time I got to my DS the man had ridden off and my DS was in tears because he had been accused of something he had not done (stealing someone's ball - he happened to have the same one).

I went to see this man and remind him that he should speak to me, not my 9 year old DS, if he has a problem with my child because it is ME that disciplines him, not someone from outside the family. If DS had been doing something stupid (playing chicken in the road or something) then I would probably have said 'fair enough he deserved the ear bashing' but in the long run he is still my child and my responsibility.

saintlyjimjams · 28/07/2012 09:13

I don't go bellowing at children when I haven't seen what happened (as you didn't on the second occasion). I would tell a three year old to stop kicking if I saw it but I don't think that really requires bellowing.

I'd also cut the mother some slack considering she sounds seriously ill. Probably the last thing she needs is someone carrying on about something they didn't even see. Perhaps you could offer to supervise the kids a bit - they all sound very young to be playing out unsupervised. I'm a bit worried you're studying to be a doctor tbh. You reaction sound pretty extreme to me (and i speak as someone who has had to sort ou ling term bullying, and would quite happily have throttled the child concerned - but didn't - dealt with it in a calm way).

saintlyjimjams · 28/07/2012 09:17

Okay - only read the first page. I really wouldn't leave a 5 year old with suspected AS to play out alone, far too many difficulties. I'd be wary of interpreting what children say at face value as well. Ds3 swears his friend pushed him over in the playground. I saw it- he didn't - the poor child tripped and stumbled into ds3. Can I convince ds3 that this is the case? Nope. Despite repeating ad infinitum 'ds3 he did not push you on purpose, he tripped over'

Bluebell99 · 28/07/2012 09:21

I think five is too young to be playing out unsupervised tbh. Although it must be difficult if loads of other young kids are out.

GaryTankCommander · 28/07/2012 09:24

You need to be clear what you said when you shouted. Because you have glazed over that an I'm intrigued why. You do not scream at a 3 year old. You just don't. You bend down, get to their level, look them in the face and tell them that we do not hit or kick and that it hurts and it is not nice etc... etc...

You do not scream, shout, bellow at 3 years olds (especially other people's 3 year olds).

You need to control your temper!

saintlyjimjams · 28/07/2012 09:24

God I really should read the whole thread before posting. Yes sit outside, never tell another child off on a reported tale from your child (although quite appropriate to have a calm word with school/parents/whoever in that case), but fine to correct if observed. I wouldn't get too involved in spoken kids tit for tat stuff either - they say all sorts of nonsense - some of it very funny and your dd sounds as if she is coping just fine with that. If someone starts to get upset, or someone is picked on repeatedly for one thing then that's different but the 'I've got this you haven't and 'well I've got this and it's better' is fairly typical and may not be remotely upsetting to your child. My 7 year old loves telling me the tall stories his friends come out withand asking me whether they're true.

bragmatic · 28/07/2012 09:30

Well, I'm with mamma.

I'd make peace with them though. The kids' behavior migh be a reaction to their mum's illness.

Love how everyone feels qualified to give you career advice. Armchair counsellors, eh? Grin

JumpingThroughHoops · 28/07/2012 10:13

You're studying to be a doctor ? and you lose it with 3 yos? And have slanging matches?

Not someone I would want around me when I was ill, you are far too volatile and don't have the patience I'm afraid.

notinmylifetime · 28/07/2012 10:25

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

watermargin · 28/07/2012 10:31

I think the "studying to be a doctor" is probably doing science A levels or something with a view to getting a place on a medicine degree.

I think you were very unreasonable. it's entirely possible that after witnessing you would shout and yell at the boy for hitting her your DDmade up the "he pushed me off a wall" thing. that's no reflection on your DD, a lot of children do it, but you need to be careful.

she should not be out unsupervised at 5.

and just for the record my own mum sometimes did the same things in terms of protecting me from other children and it wasn't helpful at all I'm sorry to say. the best thing to do is practice with your DD how to deal with difficult situations - absolutely, one of those is "tell an adult" but other choice words are "do NOT push me, I said NO," - it will giveher confidence to deal with these situations.

if it had been my DD I would have said firmly "we do not push/hit people, X," and left it at that but yelling is scary for the child and angers the parents. I wouldn't mind at all another parent telling my DD firmly that her behaviour was inappropriate (if it was) I would most definitely mind someone yelling at her and scaring her!

marfisa · 28/07/2012 11:00

OP, you have already said that you intend to apologise for the shouting and supervise the kids more closely in future. You have thanked people for sharing their points of view. So I don't know why everyone is continuing to give you such a slating on here. Hmm

Also, your daughter may or may not have Aspergers, but people are not qualified to say whether she has or hasn't on the basis of ONE anecdote.

You sound quite sane and thoughtful to me and I wish you luck. Everyone messes up sometimes; it's called being a parent.

bragmatic · 28/07/2012 11:13

So I don't know why everyone is continuing to give you such a slating on here

I call it 'thread fever'.