Shouted at neighbour's son for hitting my daughter

[HarbourSeal]

So my 5 year old DD and I moved to our own wee flat a few months ago. We're in a very nice cul de sac with lots of kids of similar age and a play park right across a quiet road. I knew she would have some problems fitting in with the kids at first, so have encouraged her at every point to settle disputes herself and to only get me involved when needed.

My neighbours have a five year old girl and a three year old boy. The girl has had her nose seriously bent out of joint since DD came on the scene (she's a queen bee if ever I saw one, but DD is clueless about that sort of stuff and just wants to be friends with everyone, the idiot) and treats DD with contempt. Her younger brother is a sweet boy but lashes out at times. Yesterday there was an argument about our back garden, so I marched out to tell them it was DDs back garden as much as theirs and they weren't allowed to 'ban' her and her friends, so to speak. As I did I caught the boy, three years old, kicking my daughter in the stomach. Not only kicking her, but levering himself against a wall and a pole to kick her harder.

So I shouted at him. It doesn't matter what I said, but it was loud and I scared him. He and his sister went inside and afterward he and DD bumped into each other at the ice cream van and apologised. I thought this was sorted and that he wouldn't be stupid enough to do it again...

... So what happened today? He pushed her off a wall. I didn't see it, she told me, so I marched out and reminded him that he shouldn't hit DD. The parents came out, we got into a shouting match, and they said all kids hit each other etc etc. they said I scared their son, that I had no right.

Thing is, this my daughter and I do not want her to be hit. I do not want her to be scared of playing outside with her friends. I also do not want to sever all ties with my neighbours. I do not want to have to watch her like a hawk to make sure she is safe. I do not believe this boy's behaviour is what all kids do: looking back on it, DD's complaints of being hit have been about this boy. I know I have to apologise for shouting, but I want to be clear that I am not apologising for being mistaken or to absolve his behaviour. I also want him to apologise to my daughter about today, because I really don't think this is right. How do I do this?

Also, the mum is clearly ill (she has lost a dramatic amount of weight and has been in hospital - I didn't recognise her today when she came to the door) and I feel awful about this on one hand and, yet, I don't give a rat's fart. Control your kids. Is it normal to feel this angry on your daughter's behalf? I am usually the world's calmest and most logical person (hell, I am studying to be a fucking DOCTOR, i work in a coffee shop and am used to dealing with rude and violent people) and I just felt like I could've killed them and their son for hurting my daughter. Is that normal? How do you control it?

When DD went through this stage I MADE her apologised to everyone she hit which she hated, but it made her stop pretty damn quick. Is this the right way to deal with this?

Be gentle!

It sounds like you do a lot of marching and shouting...

You have attributed quite nasty character traits to the other 5 yo girl (compared to your little angel?)

You don't shout at a 3 year old!!

You sound completely oft pfb

You know how protective you feel of your dd? Well everyone feels like that about their kids. Including your neighbours. As an adult patent, you ate suppossed to rationalise it a bit, be more objective and a bit fairer-handed. I reckon you've blown it with your neighbours. If I was them, you and your precious dd could shove it up your arse...

Yup, you speak nastily of a five year old girl referring to her as thinking she is queen bee...a five year old. Call your own child an idiot for being friendly by nature and take out your rage on a three year old. How lovely.

I am usually the world's calmest and most logical person (hell, I am studying to be a fucking DOCTOR,

Well let's just hope there's no secondment to great ormond street. Or that you wish to pursue a career as a paediatrician....

I didn't shout at him today, it was just a firm word.

I think I was just shocked yesterday. I didn't expect to walk into that. DD has now got a bruise on her stomach.

Can I just say, I don't swear at or threaten people ever, and it was definitely along the lines of "don't you dare hit DD". The reason I went out was that I saw two older kids (presumably the neighbours cousins, around ten) also in the back. It would be intimidating for five year olds to face that down.

I think apologising and supervising will be the key from now on. I dn't go round shouting at people normally, and am not "volatile" (though I did laugh when I was called that. Like I said, I am usually very calm and logical - except when DD is being hurt it seems), and would like to smooth this over as I do not like conflict. I also do not seriously believe my daughter is an "idiot"... That was humour. I would just rather she didn't worry about being friends with a girl who will only be friends with her if she follows her lead. (we suspect DD has Asperger's like myself and, as such, she doesn't understand social machinations without someone pointing it out to her)

Reading my OP, it seems like a bit of a rant. Apologies for that, I may have just needed to get it off my chest. It has been useful to read other points of view.

Ok, so telling him not to hit was fine. Getting into a shouting match wasn't but it's difficult to judge whether you were at fault for that or the other parents. I think you need to try and smooth this over on the basis that you and your daughter will have to live with these people. This doesn't mean that you allow him to hit your DD but, yes, definitely more supervision needed. Just you hovering around keeping an eye on things might change the dynamics between the kids.

We'd all like to think we're calm in dealing with stuff, and we are - when we're imagining what we'd have said.

But in reality and when your children are involved it's understandable to react in an OTT way.

When you describe the 5 YO girl and take such a cynical view of how friendships play out (the joke about your DD being an idiot), it does look like you could be using that framework to interpret situations.

I feel the same about them too, but you have to keep that to yourself and not influence your DCs friendships, it's bloody difficult sometimes, but I know you wouldn't want them to think the same (plenty of time for them to find it out for themselves ).

Apologising and supervising sound a good way to go, I'm sure the other parents know exactly how you felt and would sympathise if you explained it to them.

Well, I don't mind sitting outside. Would that be enough?

Need to think over what to say to te parents as well...

Children this young need watching they are much to young to understand outcomes.

We all want to protect our kids but steady on babe!!!

The neugbours will be afraid of you and a trainee doctor you sound a bit harsh towards the moms health problems? You need to build bridges and friendships.

You will do your dd no favours behaving like this but sure fences can be mended here.

Be really honest...say you had a visceral traction to your dd being hurt, and you didn't mean to frighten their ds. It's your first child, so dealing with this sort of stuff is all new....?

Traction?? reaction!

Traction bj? ;)

See, we've never lived anywhere with kids she coud play out with, or where it was safe to do so. So she's now living in a very quiet cu de sac with no thoroughfare, loads of kids, and a small playpark. It's the kind of place where the older boys can play football in the street, and at night they practise their free running in the park. I'm on speaking terms with almost all the people in the street and i had eight under eights in my flat on DDs 5th birthday who were not related to her. This whole thing is new to both of us, and for te most part she is enjoying this new freedom enormously. She is finding her own feet in all this as well. This is the first time I've done anything of this nature.

I haven't a clue how to proceed. Do I just chap on the door?

Not now, obvs, I do not want to give them more reason to hate me.

Yeah, go now

I have had several Morgan's and coke, that would be a GREAT idea.

"Phnarphnarphnar ok sorry bye sleep"

Look don't be silly, of course they don't hate you, we all quarrel over our kids.

Just go over tomorrow, say what you saw and apologise for shouting at their toddler.. Ask mom if she is ok, say you were out of order.

Sure all be fine but you must calm down a bit, the kids are very very young to be judged by you.

I would take something round for them....make a cake/some biscuits....or flowers if you can't bake

Do you think they will be receptive? If not, I would probably write what I wanted to say in a card....so if you don't het chance to finish speaking, they still see what you have to say...
?

I think they will be wary of you for a while though....

I was thinking about the cake thing as I am a pretty good baker. She looks like she could use it.

Honestly? I heard an ambulance in the distance after the shouting and thought "great, I've killed their mum with my shouting." Never felt so guilty in my life. I already know that getting into a shouting match was wrong.

Also, the five yo girl asked DD if she had a dad (overheard through an open window). DD said no, and she said "well, i have a dad". I was about to get up off the couch at that point until I heard DD say "well, i have a papa and he made me a scooter!" and then proceeded to offer the girl a shot on it. I am incredibly cynical about some kinds of friendships, but she is very good friends with twin girls and a boy, and she sticks to those three 99% of the time. These three allow DD to be DD and have taught her how to do cartwheels, and I will be encouraging these friendships.

Op, I am fully convinced its not your dd that is an idiot, it is you.

Your daughter displays the entirely normal five year old temperament of making fiends and you throw terms of aspergers around/ absolutely ridiculous!

I echo sparks comment, I seriously hope you aren't intending a career as a paediatrician.

As for what you said to the three year old, don't you dare is nothing but a threat.

You go on that you don't want your daughter feeling scared to play, yet will scare a two years younger child to the same effect.

Quite simply you disgust me. I hope the neighbours have the sense to cut you right out.

And why were you going to get up off the couch at a child asking a normal question? Kids as young as five that have a conventional childhood will ask where a dad is, it isn't bloody malice! Seriously get a grip! Both my elder two have been asked that same question by their friends.

First ever

I think you need to stay away from your neighbours kids...you really don't like them do you....if you can't control your emotions and your mouth, then you need to stay away from them

Because no one's ever asked her it before? If she was going to get upset I wanted to be there for her so she didn't do it in front of her friends. Her awkwardness around other children has been noted at nursery and our GP also suspects it. It is not an accusation. Asperger's is nothing bad, but it does affect how she sees the world and how she deals with social situations. I would rather be aware of it than not.

I'll choose whatever career I see fit.

I've got a pretty good grip on things, thanks. I am not, for example, calling someone disgusting online behind the safety of online anonymity. This has been a momentary lapse for which I needed advice, not a scolding.

'The reason I went out was that I saw two older kids (presumably the neighbours cousins, around ten) also in the back. It would be intimidating for five year olds to face that down.'

This, and the way you interpret what your DD said about offering to let the girl have a go on her scooter (which was a lovely thing for her to do, and completely the right way to respond IMO) again made me think you might need to look at how you're thinking about your DCs friendships.

There's no reason at all why two older children of 10 should intimidate five YOs, unless there are reasons you haven't said. Children of all ages can play together really well.

What was your childhood like Harbour? I know I had a lot to contend with which still affects me now, but it's recognising where your beliefs should stop and the influence over your childrens future friendships begins.

Oh trust me I would happily tell you so to your face.

My eldest dd is currently being assessed for aspergers. Like my brother has. Your dd seems to know from your posts how to respond just fine to social situations. You however, do not.

I think what I would do if one of my dcs was five years old and playing out, would be to listen and observe. If another child was violent I would call my dc in. When they talk to each other I think it's so sweet, I love listening to my little dcs talking. So I listen. If the conversation was getting a bit salty I would call my dc in. No need to shout at another child.

You are obviously not the most calm or logical person in the world.