I would like my 3 year old grand-daughter to stay with me for one night, but my daughter in law says NO, AIBU?

[redyam]

I bit of background, this is not me, but I will write as though it is, for a friend.

I sea my grand-daughter every few weeks, we live about 100 miles away from each other. We either go down to my sons house or they come up to stay for the weekend.

We all get on really well, my grand-daughter is delightful, and behaves as good as gold whenever we spend time with her or go out for trips.

I would like to take my 3 year old grand-daughter on an overnight outing nearby. We will take her out for the evening (not late) without the parents, spend the night with her, then bring her back to her parents the next day.

I think it will do her the world of good, give me some quality time with her, and give her parents a night off to do what they want. I'm sure my GD would love it.

However my daughter-in-law says NO! No reason given, to flat out refusal. I'm a little hurt really, as though I can't be trusted with my grand-daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to want to do this, or to feel hurt?

Did I say that? Did I really say that?

I am talking about those who wouldn't possibly dream about allowing a GP to take a GC to the beach because they hadn't been there 'first', so I am not really talking about your 'we'll all work together and go' scenario at all.

I did scoff a bit at middle class though.

It might be less to do with "firsts" and more to do with an up-herself well-off woman trying to take advantage of her son and DIL's lesser income/higher outgoings, and perhaps make a bit of a point..

If my lovely MIL warped into that overnight, I'd say ?No" too.

All interpretations are possible.

But why is she up herself and well off? Op says that they live far from the dil so presumably live closer to a beach, they just might want to go and not have to worry about the 100m drive to follow.

I just can't see how you've reached the conclusion she is up herself and well off from what op posted, or rubbing anything in her dils face, she asked to have her GC for the day to do something nice with them!

I'd be thrilled if a wealthy relative wanted to take ds off to do stuff we couldn't afford; I'd be a selfish cow if I stood in the way.

We are desperate to get our hands on our grandchildren overnight so we can feed them sweets,fizzydrinks and non organic chicken nuggets and chips.

Then we like to let them stay up until midnight to watch the exorcist while playing COD on the XBox.

Then we set our rabid staffies on them while we sit and smoke 20 Marlborough and sling gin down our necks.

Should they wake in the night we are too deaf, old ,drunk and decrepit to hear them.

Then we send them back to you, having ruined them for life

Because many interpretations of the OP's three posts are possible. Because I find the idea of a grandparent saying "oooh, you haven't been able to take her to the beach yet, so I'll take her on my own" just as odd as you find parents who haven't allowed their under-threes to stay overnight with a grandparent.

Inneedofbrandy
Genuine question now, if you never let your DC stay out what happens when your really ill?

I'm married - we've had to cope as a couple and we did as we've gone through those times.

In our case IL don't really want to know those times it fun times only really which is fine. Their distance and their working obviously play a part in their reluctance.

My parents will help if me or DC are hurt but for a very short time and not every time we've had an emergency. Which is fine as they do a lot for DN and have their own health issue to consider.

There are very few things we prefer to do just us and the DC first time - beach and cinema are all that spring to mind. We've taken both sets of grandparents subsequently with us and prior to that we found a lot of things to do with the GP and DC- parks, walks, swimming etc.

Maybe it selfish to want to do a very few things first with just us and DC - but we had them for us to enjoy, we put the money and time in with them. Sometimes after a very hard just us time is nice to do something as 'just us' we've looked forward to for a long time.

Why make your child wait till you can afford to do something just so you could be there for the "first" time? That is just selfish and unfair.

It is hardly like most Grandparents will ring and say "Been thinking DIL, you are poor, I am rich so therefore I want to take it upon myself to take GC on days out which you can't afford and rub your face in it with pictures. Ner ner." instead, she has probably arranged a day out and thought GC would love it if she came and had fun so wanted to invite her. Quick, phone the police. Crime of the century that is.

I am shocked at those thinking far too much into it, basically making out that it is weird to want to have your GC stay over like they are some secret peeeeaaaadddoooo or something

JenaiMarr depends on whether it's generosity at work, or point-scoring. The DIL and son (because there are two parents here, and I don't think the son should be blameless) could also be paranoid and see point-scoring where none exists, to be fair.

Xayide I would be really up shit creek if my mum couldnt help out in a emergency. Shes the first person I ring with a "do you think this needs to go to AnE type thing". I don't know how to articulate this without sounding patronising so please don't take wrong way but, I would find it really really strange if there was an emergency and my parents wouldnt help when asked is that not what familys do.

I still wouldnt stop the DCs doing something nice because I hadnt done it with them first though.

We think we picked the perfect age for the beach - oldest to remember it and younger one to actually enjoy it and be excited by it.

Same with cinema - suitable film, all capable getting something from it without having to factor in GP tastes as well and option of leaving f DC had needed to without fuss and rounding everyone up and explaining.

I don't think our DC missed out - but then I would feel that I suppose.

usualsuspect since our DC started stopping over and GP have long journey back with them they much less inclined to do junk food generally or want the DC to have late nights - I can't think why .

Inneedofbrandy
I would find it really really strange if there was an emergency and my parents wouldnt help when asked is that not what familys do.

Inneedofbrandy - it what I thought would happen - when something - well a succession of bad and serious events happened over a period of years- it didn't. There were reasons - some very good some a bit - when they do help I am bloody grateful and we coped though I would not want those times again ever.

Xayide Sounds hard work and doesnt sound like you suffer martyrdom syndrome.

With regards to cinema I wouldnt really class that as a outing like the beach but everyones got different likes and dislikes. But say they were going somewhere and wanted to take the dc and it was somewhere you felt blase` about would you not let them go to experience it because you hadnt been there first?

Inneedofbrandy
But say they were going somewhere and wanted to take the dc and it was somewhere you felt blase` about would you not let them go to experience it because you hadnt been there first?

No - especially now they are bit older we'd welcome it. Even if it wasn't all the DC it would be fine.

It was just the beach on first holiday and the cinema first wise and I'm honestly not sure why we picked those but we both did.

In answer to a Q above -

With us, in an emergency (and when i was in labour each time) my mum and/or dad came to stay at ours overnight. So as to keep the disturbance to the DCs down to a min. And, now i think of it, to keep the disturbance to them to a min. Mum liked her routine and didn't like upheavel in her own home.

We didn't have big house or anything, they would sleep in our bed or on an airbed in the living room.

ILS resisted helping out at all. MIL only ever wanted to see anyone on her own territory and if she was getting something out of it. We lived 5 mins walk away for 9 years and despite many invites she only came round twice. Once to accuse me of gossip (wrongly) and once to see newborn DD3. Gasp! (FIL actually never managed the journey at all). By then it was day 5 and we hadn't 'taken baby to her' yet

People are making very sweeping statements without knowing much about the grandparent in question - I have avoided letting my DC stay over with my parents because I don't trust them - they are not nasty but my father is physically not up to it and is anyway not interested in more than an hour max 1:1 with my older boy, not that interested in the toddler or my daughter... My mum has rose tinted visions of grandmotherly bliss but in fact is totally ditzy these days, and her descriptions of her "brilliant idea" of using a wooden rocking toy (no harness, relatively easy for a crawling baby to climb/ fall out of, in a totally un-childproofed room with steps and an open fire) to contain my 10 month old nephew whilst she went upstairs to get nappies "because he's too heavy to carry with me, it saves my back", added to the fact she drove my niece around all day in a car seat she hadn't fastened into the car, and when she came to visit us she tried to make my then 3 year old walk on the road while she walked on the pavement so that he would be on the side of "her good ear" so she could hear what he said (and get run over...) confirmed my instinctive feeling that she is no longer to be trusted with kids who aren't basically old enough to take care of themselves! Obviously should she decide to posta nd AIBU she wouldn't start with "I am a bit dizzy and out of touch these days and might accidentally put my DGC in danger, but AIBU to expect to have her to myself over night" ... as apart from anything I am sure she doesn't recognise the quality in herself!

IKilledIgglePiggle I happily let my kids stay over with my in-laws (though MIL thinks IABU not to have left them with her younger, as I have not felt comfortable leaving any one of them before a year old - with anyone, not exclusively her) it is not a big "daughter's mum v son's mum" battle, it is a question of which set of grandparents are going to keep the kids safe! My in-laws do lots of things differently, some good (whole days mushrooming in the forest - they have been doing that since their own boys were small and know which are safe to eat), some bad (mainly the 8 mini pizzas and 3 slices of cake for a 4 year olds' lunch type thing), but what matters is I trust them to take good care of the children, and I don't trust my parents to! The in-laws are also more fun for the kids - my parents seem to think grandchildren should play happily in self contained and quiet a warm golden glow by their feet, while they read the paper :)

sorry Xayide didnt mean to interrogate you, you sound a normal mum not a oh my kids are so precious mum.

It all right Inneedofbrandy nice to hear I'm normal - though I can't rule out pfb syndrome with both of us at the start - though this may have been a response to the the unasked for wisdom we were given at times .

Redyam

You say you dont have any perculiatries but serioulsy who can see thier own or admit to them?

I can imagine my MIL posting that stuff to about how normal she is.

BUt she isnt " normal" at all, no one is really there is just an average of behaviour - I think my MIL def has some strange physcologial problem and her attachment to her house is extreme, its like an extension of her - a valdidation of her whole lifes purpose....you walk on her floor you walk on her soul...therefore - if you drop a crumb etc you mortally wound and offend her, and of course the house is like a prison you just cant do anything in it - you have to be aware of yourself all the time, where you place a cup - a hair on the table cloth, which sink you wash hands in, water marks left anywhere....her DH is as abad.

Yet they would say they are perfectly normal! Infact they do say it all the time....they cannot see that thier behaviour is totally extreme and has already caused damage to thier son, and to me...and damage I do not want inflicted on my DD!

That's what i was trying to say earlier eliza.

I said 'what is normal, and who gets to decide?'

Everybody thinks they're normal

Someone has to make an executive decision regarding the good of the DCs.

I always considered the beach a free day out, doesn't everyone live less that 80 miles from the beach in the uk?

As for firsts what a selfish attitude! I took my little sister to lapland to meet father christmas when she was 7, my mum didn't get cross that she missed out on seeing my sister do that she was just happy she got to do it at all.

All DILS think they are normal too.

I expect it works both ways.

Hello usual :)

Of course it works both ways.

But the GPs arn't the ones trying to come to a decision.

We're discussing why it is that some parents decide not to let their DCs stay in the care of someone else over night. Be they GPs/Aunts & Uncles/whoever.

Ok.