AIBU? WWYD? Smoking issue around my baby!

[Champagnelady]

Hello....I am genuinely not trying to aggravate any smokers with this but I don't know how to handle this one.

Firstly, I know I have extreme views on smoking. Both my parents have smoked my whole life - around me and my siblings. It's very much a smoking family. I have never smoked and I never will. I hate smoking even more since my dad passed away specifically from smoking related cancer. It makes me angry that they subjected me and my siblings to inhaling their smoke for years, especially when one sibling had cancer as a child. I don't understand why seeing my dad pass away, horribly, was not enough to scare the living crap out of my mother and make her stop. She knows to some extent how I feel about this but we don't have a relationship where we can be totally honest - she doesn't handle it well.

My husband and I are due our first child in a couple of months. We don't live close enough for my mum to 'pop' in. It's a flight away so when she visits she stays with us. She doesn't smoke in the house - she tries to smoke less when she is here, but inevitably she does still smoke and goes in the garden to do so. I can smell it when she comes in the house and I really don't like it. I think partly, now that everywhere in public is non smoking and I haven't lived at home for many years I probably notice it more. She will of course come to visit when the baby comes.

When we go to see my mum we stay with her. My dad always smoked in the house and smoked a lot more than my mum. Mum smokes outside most of the time, and the house has been decorated from top to bottom. On a recent visit I kept my suitcase closed. I didn't even open it whilst in the house. Yet still, when we left I had to wash everything and leave the case outside for two days because everything smelt of smoke. All the lovely baby things she bought I had to wash to get rid of the smell.

I don't know how to handle this - there is no way on this earth I am staying in that house with my baby if that is how my clothes smell when we come away. It's been 3 years since my dad passed away and still the smoke lingers. I don't want my mum anywhere near the baby when she's had a cigarette. If I can smell it, the baby can breathe it in.

I know my views are extreme and I don't really know how on earth I'm going to tackle this with my mum without feeling like I'm being really mean.
And where do I draw the line? One sibling has a child, and they live close to my mum but my brother smokes (outside his house, not inside) but still...

I'm sorry this is so long but any advice very welcome but please don't tell me to ignore the smoking thing because I just can't.

Thank you!!

Car fumes are nasty, but there is not much you can do about it - the OP has asked what our advice is, my advice is to visit and ask her not to smoke near the baby and to wait a few minutes, wash hands before she handles the baby after smoking

A few minutes??

So you do agree with me then...the 3rd hand smoking thing is OTT

If you really believed it was bad for baby's health, you'd be going with the '1 hour' thing...not a few minutes surely?

Is it an hour? then she hould wait an hour, yes (i did say i couldnt remember the actual time) but yes, she should wait an hour.

I do understand Lucy because my Mum died of lung cancer and my SIL is currently dying of it now

But I do think some people tie themselves up in knots with all the 'latest advice' and tend to go OTT.

That's their business of course but I think it's as shame when it runs the risk of ruining family relationships.

Silkysmith - that is a fair compromise I think. I'm sure she would be happy to go for a walk before holding baby again.

PicklesThePottyMouth - even if she smokes inside I genuinely don't understand why my clothes smell. I took my suitcase upstairs and neither of my parents ever smoked upstairs. And of course I can wash my clothes but I was more bothered about baby breathing it in - if it gets on clothes it's surely in the air and therefore breathable?

If she asks to hold the baby and has recently smoked just say no, it's as simple as that.

YANBU, none of my smoking family members are allowed contact with my 18mo son just after they've had a cigarette. Another silly rule we have is that he never sees anyone he loves and respects smoking. I go to my (occasional smoker) mum's house and the whole family have to revolve around my silly rules. Or I won't take my son. It's their choice; do they want a relationship with my son or do they want a cigarette every hour? In the case that they couldn't follow my silly rules, they would be denying themselves a relationship with my son. Fortunately my family are a bit ashamed of themselves for smoking anyway and completely respect my lack of tolerance for it around my baby son. Even though I take him out on the smoke filled streets and everything.

when my dd was born last year my rule was no one who is a smoker could hold her, so i know how you feel. my brother even gave up smoking - and is thanking me for it now!

maybe you could ask your mum to hold off smoking till after baby's bedtime every day? is that even an option?

Where did she smoke when you stayed champagne? It must have got up there somehow, was it near an open window or something like that?

I'm sure my house didn't smell at all when I smoked outside. My mum is not shy of telling me I used to stink!

My Aunt used to smoke a lot up until maybe 8 years ago. Her entire flat as been redecorated and in some areas re-plastered, half the furniture has been replaced since she quite smoking.

It still reeks. She send me birthday cards, they can have only been in her house a few days, the reek. She still stinks and she complains about it,how even now she can't shake the smell.

I do think people are being a bit precious, but I've seen it before on mn, the 'have a shower and change clothes brigade" which really is totally excessive considering that all you need to do is walk along a high street or through a park and you can inhale second hand smoke.

Your child will on occasion inhale smoke, it will much more regularly inhale car fumes. I get a smokey baby won't be nice, but I think wait until the babies here and do what you feel, planning what you are going to do now isn't realistic.

YANBU. At all. IMO you are being a bit hyper sensitive about it but I completely understand your feelings. My dh gave up smoking when I was pregnant. Absolutely couldn't bear the idea of second hand smoke around a baby.

One thing I don't really get about mn is the whole pfb thing. First borns ARE precious. All babies are precious. YANBU at all to want the absolute best for your baby. You are being a loving and responsible mother.

Car fumes have been mentioned ... BINGO!!

Honestly these threads are so predictable. Yes, there are unfortunately all sorts of toxic emmisions in the atmosphere which we'd prefer weren't there, but it's daft to think they can be totally eliminated. The point about smoking is that it serves no useful purpose so is totally avoidable. Ive just got back from walking through the park and in this heatwave it seemed even more revolting than usual, walking past smokers.

OP- I can understand how you feel, because smoking leaves a horrid stale smell which your mother probably isn't aware of. However, I think you need to eliminate the problem as far as possible- wash all clothing as soon as you're home after staying there, don't let your mum hold your baby for a while after she's smoked etc. Once you've done as much as you can, I think you need to not dwell on it, recognise it as HER problem and focus on the fact that as a non- smoker your child is more likely to grow up a non smoker too.

Also, I'm sure a scientist will be along to correct me, but from memory there are over 400 chemicals in each cigarette and only 20% of them smell. I freaked myself out looking it up when pregnant. Thankfully few of my friends smoke but those who do will go without if they're seeing my children (none of them are heavy smokers). I don't have to ask them not to smoke around us - they assume that all parents want to protect their children from smoke.

your views aren't extreme at all. I think smoking outside, waiting half an hour and washing hands before holding baby should be enough in your house.

is it likely your mum smokes i her own home while you aren't about if it's still smelly with fumes now. Can you stay in a B&B if visiting if thats the case? Or if she definitely doesn't smoke in the house maybe offer to aqua vac carpets, sofas, wash curtains to help her spring clean if she is willing.

Champagne lady the reason the house still smells is because the tar/chemicals get absorbed by the plaster. We know this as we bought our house from smokers. If you simply decorate it does not effect the plaster and will seep through. When we first moved in we painted but have had many yellow residue streams coming out through the plaster. The only way to get rid is by treating the problem by replastering the whole house or by painting a heavy duty undercoat before repainting, one that is designed for cigarettes. We are still working on this but it has been successful. Your suitcase would smell especially bad if you stayed in a guest room which had been closed a lot.

You either need to stay elsewhere (such as a B&B), ventilate the room well, or ask your mum to redecorate the room. Really depends on how it's going to be taken and how happy you are with the outcome.

I'd speak to your mum about her current smoking but wouldn't know how best to approach this, hope it goes well though.

PicklesThePottyMouth - she smoked outside and nowhere near our room but description by RubyFakeNails is very similar - everything she sends me stinks of smoke and I honestly thought it would have gone by now, especially as parents never smoked upstairs and that isn't even the house I grew up. They bought that house maybe 8 years ago.

Lots of useful suggestions though - thank you. And first step is that she will visit me so that will be easier to deal with, and I'll worry about where we stay when we are actually planning a visit I think!!

That makes sense if they smoked in the house for years, I kept mine well ventilated when I smoked inside so I don't think it ever got to that extent.

OK, I'm an occasionnal smoker and I wouldn't want to hold a baby just after a delicious fag. I have no idea if it would be dangerous (not likely, though, IMO), but I know it would be a bit unpleasant. So I wouldn't be confortable doing it.
Sparkly, may I ask how long is your DS to be sheltered from the fact that some of the people he loves are smokers? Not having a go, and I would never smoke in front of my nephews and nieces (even the 18 and 19 yo), just wondering?

yanbu, but I can't say I ever found a happy solution. My parents smoked outside when they came to visit and I bit my tongue and let them have stinky cuddles with the babies. I didn't make overnight visits to theirs. The kids are now ten and eleven and, on the whole, I think biting my tongue and letting my children have a relationship with their grandparents was a good choice on balance. Both my parents have since died from smoking related illness.

I know how you feel op it's soooo hard. No one wants to stop children from having a relationship with their grand parents but smoking is such a huge risk and it can't be ignored. My dd is asthmatic. My mil looked after her three days a week while I went to work and despite requesting ( and her agreeing) to smoke outside while she had her, the older she got the more relaxed about smoking in the house she got and maybe it's unrelated who knows but my dd had several chest infections and two hospital admissions with severe wheezing. Things only improved when she stopped going so much when I had dd2 and was home and my shifts changed to enable both dd's to stay at home rather than go elsewhere.

Dd2 has never been to my mil and despite breathing difficulties when she was a tiny baby due to illness ( she was also over three weeks early) she has yet to develop symptoms like her sister despite asthma being in the family. Coincidence maybe but make your owninds up of you would risk it :( I wish I hadn't !!!

The risks are real and it's not being "precious" to have concerns about babies breathing in chemicals!!!! They kill!!!!

no one who smoked was allowed to hold my baby

What, ever?
No one?

What if the doctor, or nurse, or person who weighed the babies at the clinic liked the odd cigarette?

Anyway I digress, yes 2 seconds after smoking-no holding of the baby, fair enough. An hour or a long walk? Slightly more excessive only IMO.
Washing hands? Yes, yes definitley.

As for the smell, well you can only control what you do inside your own home, if your mum smokes at/near home you don't really have the right to tell her she can't in case you want to come and stay so clearly better off to stay nearby, not in the house.

And
If you are actually going to deny your child the chance to have a loving family around them because of the apparently enormous risks of smoking, not around them but smoking in general, you are IMHO definitley BU

Yanbu, it's not 'just a smell', everyone knows it contains toxic chemicals and is associated with cot death as well as cancer and others. And worra (special mention by your own request) and anyone else who wants to pretend this isn't true can just fuck off, because that kind of denial is pretty stupid and dangerous when you have a newborn.

You know what's more important and more likely to permanently ruin a family relationship than being cautious/having a barney about smoking? Dying of cancer (or any other smoking related illness).

Your baby, your rules.

Ok clearly not talking about smoking in the house whilst the baby is there.

But you think that smoking in general is so bloody horrific and dangerous after 10 minutes that said smoker should be denied a relationship with their grandchild?

Seems as though perspective never quite made it onto this thread.

I'm with you op. My dad also died of smoking related cancer. It upsets me he only gave up when he health was declining- literally overnight- but smoked around all of his children when we were growing up. I have strong views that I don't want smoke anywhere near my children as well.
I can't stand the smell of it on clothes, hair, nails. I breathe in if I pass a smoker on the street. Bleurrgh. How and why anyone would take it up beats me, it really does.

If there was consistent heavy smoking in the house over a number of years then decorating won't shift it.
It's in the carpets and the furniture and furnishings.
I used to loathe staying at my dad's house - the stink was unbearable.
And
If you are actually going to deny your child the chance to have a loving family around them because of the apparently enormous risks of smoking, not around them but smoking in general, you are IMHO definitley BU
That's what the smokers are doing, surely?

If the house has ever been smoked in then the smoke and residue remains in the carpets curtains furniture rugs wallpaper etc for many yes and babies sit and crawl on the floor put fingers in mouths etc. It's there ok and can't be ignored! It's why ceilings need repainting so often cos they go yellow. She's only trying to protect her baby from a substance that contains arsenic and cyanide ;( and hundreds of other chemicals