To expect him to refrain from throwing things when my mother just died

[fber]

dh once again 'popped' - bent a metal spatula and chucked it across the kitchen.

He's stressed because of work.

I have mental health issues largely due to a violent father during childhood. He knows getting angry like this scares me (it made me cry today)

I went and sobbed in the living room. He ignored me.

When I'd calmed down I asked him if we could talk, he said 'look it;s never going to change, everyone loses it from time to time' I said yes, but it scares the shit out of me and besides, my mum died yesterday morning.

'Ive calmed down now' he said with a smile ' you can talk to me'.. I told him to fuck off.

Am I being too sensitive?

YANBU I hate any form of aggresive behaviour and throwing things is aggresive. Does he 'pop' often?

Sorry about your mum

Everyone does not lose it like that. I have never felt scared because of my husband and he's certainly never thrown anything in anger. His behaviour is way out of line.

Sorry for you loss. :(

No you aren't. I hate being around angry people.

When you need support he should put aside his issues and be there for you. I would also disagree that 'everyone loses it from time to time' - I don't, neither does DP - do you?

Is he often like this?

Blimey, do you have kids? I'd seriously worry about having children with a man who can't control his temper. It's an awful example, makes parenting really difficult and creates a horrible atmosphere at home. He has obviously never grown up himself.

seems to be more often recently :(

We've got 3 kids, and the youngest was in the kitchen when he threw the spatula across the room. I don't think I can forgive him for that. The spatula was hanging up, it fell off on him and he flipped :(

'Everyone loses it from time to time'

Maybe, but my DH has never thrown anything or broken anything in a fit of temper. Neither has my father. It's not ok.

Does he hold down a job?
Make and keep friends?
or does he behave like this with everyone in his life?

If it's only with you, then he's perfectly able to control it, he just chooses not to with you. It is not because of you - it is his choice - and he's a shit.

If it's with everyone else, then he has an actual problem - and again, if he has a problem that he's not addressing, he's still a shit.

So sorry for you at this time to have to deal with - you've guessed it - this shit.

You need to be clear with him about how it makes you feel as you are obviously uncomfortable being around him when he gets angry. You really shouldn't have to deal with his temper at a time like this

If you think it's only recently he has been like this he needs to work out what has changed to make him so stressed and learn how to cope with t without resorting to temper tantrums

I completely disagree that 'everyone' loses it to that extent from time to time. I certainly don't and I wouldn't want to hang around anyone who did.

Particularly when you have just lost your mum! If he can't be kind and loving then, he never will be.

He is a grown up now, boo hoo he had a shit childhood, so did lots of us. But he hasn't been a child for a long time now and he needs to act as an adult. Of he really can't control this he needs to get profession help. You deserve better.

Bullshit, everyone doesn't throw things and lose it like that.
YANBU you are repeating your childhood.

I'm not sure if he would still throw things in the presence of someone else. I want to divorce him but I'm scared I"m overreacting because of my emotional state.

spero he had a fine childhood. Very happy by all accounts. It was me who had the tough time.

Everyone doesn't do that. Stress is no excuse. And tbh he shouldn't be doing it even if your mother hadn't just died. He is a dick. I hope you will be ok. YANBU.
Also sorry about your mum.

It is unacceptable that he intimidates you with his anger and violence towards inanimate objects at any time, fber.

It's beyond dreadful that he does this when you are dealing with the death of your mum, right when a decent man would be the most supportive.

I am sorry for your loss.

You are not overreacting. He did this with your youngest child in the room. What if your child had been hit in the eye with a piece of metal hurled with great force?

He either stops behaving like this or he leaves, I really think it is that simple. Of course we all get cross, irritated and shout from time to time, but this is a different league and it is not acceptable.

Too sensitive-fucking hell, your mum just died!!

Everybody doesn´t lose it from time to time.

My parents/Ils never have, neither of us do (OK, that´s only 6, but...)

As others say-who else does he treat like this?

If no one-then why you?

Look after yourself.

Sorry! I thought he had the shit childhood!

Then that is even more worrying. He doesn't even have that as an excuse.

Divorce him - he's a cunt.

If he can't be nice to you now, when you've just lost your mum, then he won't ever be able to consider your feelings above his own. So - selfish, violent cunt. Just no need for that sort of reaction - he's being totally self-indulgent over it. I can't bear men who think that they can get away with toddler-style tantrums when they're grown adults! He needs to learn some self-control.

In the meantime, divorce his sorry arse. Your DC don't need to grow up in fear because of his violent temper.

very sorry about your mum, by the way (sorry, should have added that to previous post, was too cross and posted too soon)

which is worse - a father who makes mummy cry or a father who's not there? Serious question :(

Father who is not there. Very serious answer.

Better an absent father than one who teaches them about violence and disrespect for their mother.

One who makes mummy cry is worse.
Spero, I hope, answered the wrong question.

A father who makes mummy cry is much, much worse. You don't have to put up with this. It erodes your self respect - perhaps it already has eroded your self respect, until you forget there's any other way to live.

A father who (deliberately?) makes his wife cry/child´s mother cry is definitely the worse option.

Why subject them-and yourself to that?