To expect him to refrain from throwing things when my mother just died

[fber]

dh once again 'popped' - bent a metal spatula and chucked it across the kitchen.

He's stressed because of work.

I have mental health issues largely due to a violent father during childhood. He knows getting angry like this scares me (it made me cry today)

I went and sobbed in the living room. He ignored me.

When I'd calmed down I asked him if we could talk, he said 'look it;s never going to change, everyone loses it from time to time' I said yes, but it scares the shit out of me and besides, my mum died yesterday morning.

'Ive calmed down now' he said with a smile ' you can talk to me'.. I told him to fuck off.

Am I being too sensitive?

Sorry, of course I meant better father isn't there.

And saying he "popped" trivialises what is truly horrible behaviour!

To expand - your DC will be bewildered and frightened on their own behalfs as well as yours; they will grow up thinking that this is a normal relationship and it will affect their relationships as well. Do you want your own children to be in a relationship like yours? If the answer is no, then you need to get them out of the situation that you are in, so that they can see it is NOT right and you do NOT have to put up with that kind of thing.

Are you suggesting that, were you to divorce, your H would not see his DC again?

But he is not just making mummy cry - he is violent and brushing her off as over sensitive. He is teaching the children all kinds of horrible toxic lessons.

He thinks the only reason I get upset is because of my childhood (i.e. not his fault) and he reasons that I am worried that he would hit me (I'm not, that is not the point)

He thinks I overreact.

So sorry about your mum OP. You must be feeling pretty low right now.

Agree with others about your DP. It's not normal to throw things around - especially with kids around. Both my parents did this when I was growing up and it used to terrify me. Your DP needs to find another outlet for his frustrations.

A father who makes mummy cry is worse. What if your DCs learnt from his behaviour that it was OK to behave like that?

Unhappy parents make for unhappy children. My parents were desperately unhappy throughout my childhood and indeed until after I'd left home and they finally separated. It made us all unhappy and me fucked up in lots of ways.

But back to you ? I don't know any adults who throw things when they 'lose it'. Slamming things down on the table/raising voices/slamming doors is the worst I know. Throwing things isn't OK.

An aggressive man who 'loses it', throws things, scares his partner so much that she cries and is so self-centred he can't look outside his own issues to comfort his partner and mother of his children at a time of loss is not only a horrible man he is an awful father.

So sorry for your loss OP :( Your husband sounds selfish and unkind at best, abusive at worst.

I've recently taken up smoking again to cope with my stressful feelings. He thinks this is brilliant because he can now smoke 'nag free'.

I was a bit concerned by this - if he cared about me, wouldn't he be encouraging me to stop????

He's still a cunt. If he can't see that his violent behaviour is disturbing and upsetting in its own right, then he's never going to change it. I don't like that he's speculating that you're worried he would hit you - he shouldn't even be thinking along those lines.

Does he not give a shit about his children's feelings either? Or are they over-sensitive too?

YANBU at all!!! He shouldn't keep "losing it" and if he does then he needs anger management or something it's not right or fair on you! Im so sorry about your mum! He should be completely supportive of you at this time and not adding to your problems and worrys!!

So sorry about your mum. Please find someone who loves you and who you trust to discuss your partner with. They will be best placed to help you. So sorry he is being so awful to you.

You don't over react. He over reacts and doesn't care that this frightens you. Even if you were over reacting by objective standards he should still care that he frightens you.

Sorry about your mum, hope terrible for you. Your husband is a complete prick, I hope you do divorce him. My parents split up when I was eight after much mental abuse, I had nightmares and was starting to wet the bed again when me and mum left him. I know for a fact he would have destroyed us both had we stayed. I grew up and had a good relationship with him as an adult, when I could set firm boundaries with him. But I still remember him making my mum cry, and never really forgave him for it, and am extremely grateful she got up the strength to leave him. She remarried veryhappily ( and remains so). Dad died alone a few years ago.

Bloody typos.

YANBU, tell him to go get a gym membership and exercise his stress away like a normal person. And let him know that if he doesn't, he can go throw things at his own apartment without you or the kids around!

YANBU, it's not normal to destroy and throw property and generally have a violent tantrum like that, especially over something so small. My dad was the same, so you have my sympathy. Does he not care that it terrorises the family?

Sorry for your loss x

Jesus, what a horrible man. I don't lose my temper, shout, swear, or throw things. Nor does my husband. Nor do any of my friends. When I'm really pissed off I remove myself from my partner and children so I don't upset/scare them, and go for a run/have a rant/walk the dogs/call a friend - I have coping mechanisms, basically, that mean I dont take it out on others.

Have to say, I can't remember the last time this happened. Not in the last 4 or 5 years, I don't think. Everyone certainly does not behave like he does. I'll tell you something, though, my Dad "Lost it" and shouted and slammed doors. I was amazed to realise, as I grew up, that other children didn't tiptoe around their houses afraid of their fathers, and didn't feel bad for days because they "made Dad cross" by dropping a plate at a bad time. It's definitely affected my relationship with him, as I grew older I lost respect for him and came to see his toddler-tantrums as what they are: pathetic. I challenged my mum as to why she never just told him to take it outside. She said "oh, people are like that." I said: "I'm not. You're not. None of my friends' fathers are. He's just being a spoiled child." ... and that's how I think of him.

I feel really sorry for your kids. I don't think a father who's not there can do as much damage as this kind of father can do.

And I feel really sorry for you, OP. I'm sorry to hear about your Mum, and I'm very, very sorry that your husband is violent towards you and your children.

oh, by the way, shouting and throwing/smashing counts as domestic violence.

Does that change how you think about it?

You are not too sensitive, I would hate to live with someone who kept 'losing it' and throwing things around. I don't think that's normal at all.

He knows it scares and upsets you (and probably the children too), but he won't make the effort to stop? Doesn't sound very nice to me.

I dont lose it either, nor does my husband. If I get very cross I go for a long walk, but the last time that happened was years ago, and it was with a solicitor, not my husband.

It is absolutely awful to subject you all to that kind of atmosphere. It makes everyone it feel intimidated and insecure. I think he knows that - it's why he does it. It's a way of exerting control, making everyone walk on eggshells.

When he refuses to take responsibility for upsetting you and accuses you of "over-reacting", he is undermining you and trying to make you doubt yourself.

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for the fact that it is his behaviour which is upsetting for you all - not some kind of over-sensitivity on your part. He is setting a very poor example to the children, and you will all pay a heavy price for that as they grow up.

I think you should suggest parenting classes to him. It might help him to understand that it's not just you who thinks that kind of behaviour is unacceptable. If he is not willing to acknowledge that he has a problem and be prepared to do something about it, then I do think you need to consider whether you want your children growing up exposed to that sort of behaviour.

Didn't know that smashing things counts as domestic violence!

Fwiw, I don't think that it counts as domestic violence. It is childish, rude and pathetic, but it is not the same as living in a house where you fear he will hit you.

I think that under normal circumstances I would advise that he gets some anger management therapy. However, given that he knows your background and hasn't cared enough to get help with this already and to behave this way when you have just suffered this huge loss, means he is an arsehole and you would be much better off without him - he doesn't care about you as much as he cares about himself and that's not good in a marriage.

I agree with the poster who said that if he is not like this at work/with friends then he can control it and is choosing not to, because he can get away with it, with you. His boss would not tolerate this shit for one moment.

if you look at this list on the Women's Aid website they classify "property being destroyed including their cars, furniture, clothes, and home." as "emotional abuse"

it's done to keep you afraid and compliant. If you're worried about him always being about to start screaming and smashing and throwing things, of course you do all you can to make sure he won't be upset. So you're on edge, walking on eggshells, trying to please him. Just where he wants you. It's emotional abuse, and it's part of the big spectrum of domestic violence. And if you think "oh it's not that bad" - how would you classify smashing and throwing? Domestic gentleness? Domestic harmony? Loving and caring? Nurturing and cherishing?

You can't smash or break something without getting violent with it, and the subliminal message is: watch me break this. See my power. Wonder what else I might destroy if I am not placated....

Men like this fill me with contempt.

I think you need support in RL, your relationship sounds abusive and unhealthy. You are also very fragile at the moment and he sounds totally unsurportive.