To expect him to refrain from throwing things when my mother just died

[fber]

dh once again 'popped' - bent a metal spatula and chucked it across the kitchen.

He's stressed because of work.

I have mental health issues largely due to a violent father during childhood. He knows getting angry like this scares me (it made me cry today)

I went and sobbed in the living room. He ignored me.

When I'd calmed down I asked him if we could talk, he said 'look it;s never going to change, everyone loses it from time to time' I said yes, but it scares the shit out of me and besides, my mum died yesterday morning.

'Ive calmed down now' he said with a smile ' you can talk to me'.. I told him to fuck off.

Am I being too sensitive?

Developments. I've just told him his behaviour made me scared and upset (again) and he justified (again) saying he was stressed and it wasn't aimed at me.

He said 'ok then, I'll just turn into exactly the sort of person that you want me to be and but then, then one day I may really blow my top' I said are you threatening me and he said no, but thats just what could happen. Fucking arsehole.

I reminded him of the time when I got drunk with two blokes while we were on holiday and he made me write him a letter of apology because it 'ruined his weekend' I wrote it too, what a stupid cow I was. (still am)

He repeatedly demanded that I stop drinking as it was undermining the relationship and 'he lost love for me'. So I stopped drinking. I reminded him of this concession and said i reserve the right to get totally pissed every time I get stressed from now on. He then wrote an insincere apology on the back of a bank statement 'I'm sorry for throwing things and scaring you, it was not my intention to scare you, it won't happen again' and slid it over to me with what seemed like a nasty smile (?)

I said thanks, it was a start, but I would be making him sweat for a while, just like he did on our journey back from holiday the time I got pissed :)

I'm still left wondering is it me. Am I expecting too much? He said he had to work in the morning and so wouldn't be able to take our son on deliveries with him (like he did today) he said I would just have to cope. This morning I was trying to do some stuff that he had asked me to do for the business and I couldn't do it because the kids were climbing all over me. I texted him saying I was struggling - and he turned up and took our son out on orders - hence the meltdown 'It was too hot and I was stressed' Arsehole.

You seriously think this was a breakthrough?

Some scribbles at the back of a bank statement accompanied by a nasty smile?

He is a controlling and abusive fuckwit

When I first used the word I wondered if it was a bit over the top. Now I know it's not.

Abusive. This man is abusive. He is abusive towards you. And your poor kids.

Better to have the father not there than one who makes their mummy cry. I know this.

Abusive, threatening, intimidating, manipulative, immature, controlling...it gets worse OP!

What's your financial position? I seriously think you should start thinking about the practicalities - for your children's sake, as well as your own.

OP, he sounds horrible, really horrible.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

When I was 19 I still used to express frustration by flinging things around. Not so anything broke, but it got the bad feelings out and then I could get back to normal and deal with the thing that was bothering me.
It wasn't directed at anyone else either emotionally or the actual physical objects that were being flung.
My partner at the time used to be shocked, as it was not something he was used to from his family upbringing.
Realising that I was upsetting him I changed a lifetimes habit and learnt to curb my frustration, or at least the way I manifested it.
I can't tell if your dh's popping is similar, but it's definitely something he should be able to control especially as a) it disturbs you and b) he's requested bad habit curbing in you but isn't prepared to match it.

Kids don't 'need' fathers. They need parents who love them ie don't throw things across the room in front of them or scare their mum.

In the light of your recent post, I would have to agree that this is abusive.

A man who can behave like this (demanding a letter of apology from you, wtf? ) is not a man who loves you. And to do this when you have just lost your mother. He is a cunt, pure and simple.

Time to get rid, I think.

shortnamecchange - "time to get rid, i think" well, i would say that the time to get rid would have been when he made the OP write a letter of apology!!

he sounds scary

I agree Lucy. I just meant that given she hadn't done it already (and I would have turfed him out, over that letter) now is a good time!

How are you doing, fber ? It can be a lot to take in when you realise that it's not you 'over-exaggerating' - he really is that bad.

I hope you're okay.

I'm sorry about your mum and I'm sorry you're living with nasty behaviour :(

You may want to know that if the police or schools or nurseries or doctors hear about daddy's violence from one of your children, then there will be an automatic child protection referral. This doesn't mean that anything will happen (you may not even be contacted), but it does mean that it would be logged, because it is now accepted fact that children who live with domestic violence are badly affected by it.