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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so bitter about this?

55 replies

ariane5 · 24/07/2012 07:49

Long story-will try to shorten it as much as i can.

dh family have over the last few years borrowed a fair amount of money from us (dh cannot say no), they promise faithfully to repay it and start off doing so then always stop.

I never really wanted to get into the habit of lending money in the first place but i think dh cant say no and they came to expect it of him.From what i can gather before we were together he lent them a lot but it was not repaid so this may have led them to believe we were an easy source of money that they could get away with not repaying.

Dh and I have argued a lot lately as I have been asking him to ask the various members of his family to repay what they owe-he says he cant, feels awkward asking/why do i keep having a go at him about it/can we just consider the money lost etcetc.

What makes it worse is that although they plead poverty and say they cant afford to repay it they always have nice things, get their hair/nails done and dont seem to go without whereas Iam really struggling with feeding and clothing 4 dcs and only have £100 left in my account this week. I feel like Iam being bitter as I dont get treats or have any spare money after bills/food etc.

Recently found out that one of the people who borrowed (and couldnt repay as "had no money") is booking a VERY expensive wedding and honeymoon.I do not want to be bitter and I feel horrible for posting but dh cannot see why Im so hurt. I am just fed up of having nothing, the dcs ask for things and i cant afford them and then I see those involved with this having fun going out and treating their dcs to all thre things i cant get mine.

My whole life seems to revolve around juggling my own finances to avoid getting into debt and I am worried this is all getting to me too much. AIBU to feel this way ?

OP posts:
kittyandthefontanelles · 24/07/2012 07:51

YANBU. This is unfair. They should pay back their debts first.

Babylon1 · 24/07/2012 07:52

YANBU what an awful situation. Sad

Can you not ask if DH won't?

Write to them maybe? Include a payment plan?

And then when it's come back, be firm with DH - as far as family is concerned, ne'er a lender nor borrower be Wink

Foslady · 24/07/2012 07:53

YANBU - amazing how they never ask when you're there......priority must be at home now

whois · 24/07/2012 07:54

YANBU - they are twats. Your DH is an idiot for lending them money! Get some 'Just say NO' posters up around your house Grin

Can YOU ask them for the money back? In front of people? Explain how much you are struggling since they haven't repaid the money, and you really really really would appreciate it being repaid. Even £20 now would make a big difference...

GemmaPomPom · 24/07/2012 07:55

YANBU. What is it with these blokes and their families? My DH has let his family get away with so much over the years (not financial).

I would draw a line under and it and say, "OK, let's write off everything they owe, but we will never loan them anything again". That way you avoid any arguments about paying it back and can use your money for yourself and your DC in future.

popsypie · 24/07/2012 07:56

Defo ask firmly for money back. They promised to pay it back as your said in your post so they must have known it was a loan not a gift. Payment plan with installments good idea

Original poster
ariane5 · 24/07/2012 07:57

I tried asking a couple of times, they say yes will pay at the end of the week/month when they have the money.......then i do not hear from them.

It got so bad with the lending dh wages are now paid into my account as he just cant say no. I feel like a nasty controlling bitter cow but I have to be able to pay my bills etc.

I don't think I will ever get the money back now I just do not want any more being lent.

The whole wedding situation is what has tipped me over the edge as our wedding in june was done on such a budget (£1000) and I had to have the cheapest of everything and with all the lavish plans being spoken about now i feel cheated and bitter. Id have loved just a bit more choice in my day but it was a case of cake-cheapest, dress-cheapest etc.

I am so grumpy Sad

OP posts:
sleeplessinsuburbia · 24/07/2012 07:57

Next time they ask can he say " I'll have to ask Ariane, she's working on our budget"? That'll make them sweat a bit and it will buy him time to say that it's not possible!

ENormaSnob · 24/07/2012 07:58

Yanbu

What kind of spineless twat allows this to happen?

HecateHarshPants · 24/07/2012 08:05

I would be moving all the money into an account in my name only as a condition of staying married to the weak excuse for a man.

He's got no problem saying no to you, has he? No I won't ask them for the money back. No I won't stop giving them money. so he can say no. He just doesn't want to say no to them.

PerryCombover · 24/07/2012 08:05

Is it his money?
Would you rather they ask for money for specific things ( like a gas bill) that you paid for?
Perhaps he feels they need the money, from whatever they tell him, whereas you only want the money for luxuries?

I'm relaxed about money which I'm sure irritates but I never loan with any expectation of return. I also never loan with poverty strings attached ie unless I see the other person with a begging bowl or looking destitute as part of the deal.
If I choose to lend then I consider it from what I have as extra and the borrower can do what they want with it.

This has also happened in return to me when things were bad.

If you feel your P isn't providing for the family have a word but maybe he thinks you have more than enough in the scheme of thngs

pumpkinsweetie · 24/07/2012 08:05

Yanbu, its very unfair that these people asked to 'borrow' but are now treating it as a 'gift'.
How dare they be lavish when they owe you money?Shock
I would get your dh to write a letter to them to say that they must pay you back in installments, say £30 a week and that you will not be lending again, your dh must sign it too.
He needs to say the word no, and if he cant say it he should write it in a letter

Original poster
ariane5 · 24/07/2012 08:06

he has tried to justify it by saying he "can't help being too nice".

I feel like he cares more for them than he does for me and dcs seeing us going without

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 24/07/2012 08:07

You are not grumpy, YANBU, they are a bunch of freeloading gits and your DH is a soft sap who should learn to a) say no to the freeloaders and b) think more about his own immediate family and their needs!

I am disgusted with his weakness, actually.

Thumbwitch · 24/07/2012 08:08

xposted - he's not being "too nice", he's giving them money so they'll like him - and they don't, they just sponge more! they have no pride and he has no sense.

Original poster
ariane5 · 24/07/2012 08:13

It wouldnt be for luxuries.we have no savings at all and at moment iam just managing bills and food.

Yes it is his money (wages) except for when he persuaded me to lend few hundred pounds a couple of years ago of my own money.he promised id get it back but if i mention it now it causes an argument

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 24/07/2012 08:21

The money that was lent that was yours should be paid back. It's up to your dh if he wants to write off his own money, but he doesn't have the right to do that with yours.

He needs to stick up for you here and you need to let him know how much respect you have lost for him for the fact that he hasn't stuck up for his wife and children. What sort of man allows his family to take advantage of his children and their mother like that?

I can't stand spineless men like that. Show him this thread so he can see how hurt you are by his behaviour, his families behaviour, and how much he needs to grow a pair.

HecateHarshPants · 24/07/2012 08:27

He can help being too nice to you.

Do they matter more to him than you?

samandi · 24/07/2012 08:30

YANBU at all.

MagicHouse · 24/07/2012 08:33

YADNBU. What a horrible situation.
I would write out all the money owed and speak to each one of them asking how it will be paid back. Explain that you are really struggling financially and need it.
Not that I think you will see a penny.
Your DH needs help with this - can't believe he was angry at you wanting your own money back. Stop feeling guilty about how you feel. I think most people would feel exactly the same.

strawberrypenguin · 24/07/2012 08:34

YANBU keep chasing down the people who owe you, remind them every couple of days, don't let it go. They will soon get pissed off with you asking and repay you. Good that you now have control of the family money do DH can't do it again

ENormaSnob · 24/07/2012 08:45

A nice man doesn't leave his wife and kids scrimping whilst he plays hero to his scrounging family.

I would kick dh out if he tried this shit.

Original poster
ariane5 · 24/07/2012 08:47

Hopefully it cannot happen anymore (unless he gets credit cards out again to lend to them)

I just feel I have had to turn into an incredibly controlling person because of all this and it is eating away at me every time this wedding gets talked about or they turn up with a lovely haircut and colour and nicely manicured nails and i suppose its my jealousy that I cannot have treats Blush

I should not complain, at the moment we do not have any money but we are not in debt, the dcs have food and a roof over their heads.I think ive just got too worked up about it all.

Any more lending though and I think i will explode.

OP posts:
BrianButterfield · 24/07/2012 08:48

It's not nasty to feel angry about the wedding - I would be furious in your situation. He should be being nice to YOU.

Dprince · 24/07/2012 08:51

In all honesty, if we were struggling and my dh was doing this. I would give him an ultimatum. And I have done. When me and dh got together his sister was always on the scrounge, despite driving a brand new car (dh had a banger) and expensive flat, meals our most nights and four holidays a year. For the first year I let him get on with it.
When we decided to buy out first house I told him ot had to stop. We were saving for a deposit and she asked for £100 and he gave it to her under the condition she paid it back when she got paid. I knew he had given it to her. I didn't say anything until a month later, when she hadn't paid it back and asked for more. I majorly kicked off as dh nearly gave her it.
He was told I was not working all the hours god sends to save a deposit if he was you going to continue. I also told I did not want to live with and marry a man who puts his sister first. I explained if she was genuinely struggling and even attempted to pay us back it would be different.
I told him I wasn't prepared to move in with him, under these circumstances. He got the message and it stopped.
Even now, 14 years later, she appears only when she thinks we may have money. She texts dh off and on for a couple of weeks. Then mentions money, when he is clear she isn't getting it we don't hear fro. Her for 6 months.

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