to feel so bitter about this?

[ariane5]

Long story-will try to shorten it as much as i can.

dh family have over the last few years borrowed a fair amount of money from us (dh cannot say no), they promise faithfully to repay it and start off doing so then always stop.

I never really wanted to get into the habit of lending money in the first place but i think dh cant say no and they came to expect it of him.From what i can gather before we were together he lent them a lot but it was not repaid so this may have led them to believe we were an easy source of money that they could get away with not repaying.

Dh and I have argued a lot lately as I have been asking him to ask the various members of his family to repay what they owe-he says he cant, feels awkward asking/why do i keep having a go at him about it/can we just consider the money lost etcetc.

What makes it worse is that although they plead poverty and say they cant afford to repay it they always have nice things, get their hair/nails done and dont seem to go without whereas Iam really struggling with feeding and clothing 4 dcs and only have £100 left in my account this week. I feel like Iam being bitter as I dont get treats or have any spare money after bills/food etc.

Recently found out that one of the people who borrowed (and couldnt repay as "had no money") is booking a VERY expensive wedding and honeymoon.I do not want to be bitter and I feel horrible for posting but dh cannot see why Im so hurt. I am just fed up of having nothing, the dcs ask for things and i cant afford them and then I see those involved with this having fun going out and treating their dcs to all thre things i cant get mine.

My whole life seems to revolve around juggling my own finances to avoid getting into debt and I am worried this is all getting to me too much. AIBU to feel this way ?

No you *haven't got too worked up about it - you have been put bottom of the list of your DH's consideration, and as a result you have been choused out of a wedding that you would have liked and are scrimping to keep afloat, to say nothing of having lost your own savings!

So to hear of these people wantonly squandering money when they could be paying you back, yes, that would make me angry and bitter as well.

All the while your DH has no ability to stop himself from giving money away, you need to stay in charge of it - he's utterly feckless with money and it would be no consolation to you or your children to say "ah well, but he's the soul of generosity" - he isn't, he's just used to being put upon by the spongers in his family.

YA NOT BU here - hang on to that - do not allow yourself to believe that you are over-reacting, you're not. It would be a different matter if his family were on the breadline and he was lending money to them to keep them in food - but he's not, he's giving them money to fund their extravagances and at your and his own children's expense.

Still disgusted.

YANBU, he needs to learn that you and your DCs come first now.

We have loaned/given sizeable amounts of money to DH's family on a few occasions. It has all been written off since and I've just had to accept that we're never going to see any of it back. I've come to terms with it and actually feel good that we were able to help them out when they needed it. However if it was still ongoing, or was leaving us short of money I'd feel very differently.

YADNBU.
How awful for you. I can fully understand how angry and bitter you must feel.
With regards to the people getting married, do not buy them a present. Make sure you tell them that you will buy them a gift when they have paid in full every penny they owe you.
How rude.

He probably feels you are competent and will manage but they are hopeless and need help but is also taking you massively for granted. the up-side of that is he has to put up with you managing your way out of this.

Is his the only or main wage supporting your family? If so and you both took a decision you'd be a SAHM or part-timer then it's not really his money.

If it's a few hundred I might write it off and never again. If it's many thousands I'd write them a payment plan and offer to refer them to a debt counsellor, then add interest.

YANBU. I think it reveals an underlying disagreement about how you and your view money which you need to resolve. "His" wages are also "your" family income. He shouldn't be lending money if that is leaving you struggling. I'd get anything either of you earn paid into a family account that covers all your expenses - if you have enough to give you each a small monthly allowance we've found that avoids arguments. Anything from the joint account has to be for agreed spending (mortgage, bills, food, clothing for DCs etc) but we each have our own money that we can lend to feckless family spend as we please.
It sounds like you'll never see the money you've loaned, I'd draw a line under it but resolve never to be taken for a mug again.

Yes it is just his wages supporting us, we get dla for ds and ctc too. I cannot work as youngest dc only 3 mths and all 4 dcs have a genetic condition so we have tons of hosp appts etc-if i worked Id be forever taking time off because of dcs.

I have never had much money but have always been quite good at managing what little I have, I wonder now if this is what has made dh think he could get away with all this as he assumed I would just cut back more and still just scrape through and stay on top of bills etc.

Don't feel bad or controlling, if my DH was doing what yours is I also would've insisted that all his wages go into my account as well. I 'd also see him at fault for making me feel like the controlling harpy I would then feel like. You need to have a strong word with him and make it very clear that by doing this he has let you and the kids down, that they come first but he has made them miss out through his spinelessness, and that you aren't prepared to put up with it anymore. Personally I would also tell my DH how resentful I was over the wedding and why, he needs to understand and really see the implications of his actions - it's far more than losing a bit of money isn't it?

I think I would write to the people who owe you and tell them that you had a cheap wedding and are struggling to make ends meet, so they need to pay you back.

You also need to do some joint financial planning, which might open his eyes. Do you both have adequate pension provision? Life insurance? Critical illness insurance? When will you have secure housing with a paid off mortgage?

When he realises he's going to have to work an extra five years as a result of not saving now, he might feel differently about giving the money away.

lottiegb-we do not have illness insurance/adequate pension etc. Luckily our housing is secure as we have a council house.

A couple of times i have written down all the outgoings etc to try and show him exactly what Iam working with but his eyes just glaze over and he says "Im not good with money I will leave it all down to you"

I am raging on your behalf tbh op.

How fucking dare he.

Take over the finances.
Is your DH ethnic British, OP? Or from a culture where it's understood that you share £££ with extended family?
You are never going to get any of it back, sorry, not a chance.

He dowsn't leave it to you though does he OP, he lets you manage his childish lending....ie try and scrape by with what is left.

I am sitting here fantasising about standing up at the wedding reception as the hush descends before the speeches - and loudly declaring to all there that I hope they enjoy the wedding as I paid for the damned thing. Then going around pointing at every family member and stating how much they owed me and for how long I'd been waiting to be repaid ...

But back to the real world - your husband is a shit. You are not controlling, you are in control - because the only alternative is for there to be no control at all. I cannot imagine the strain that you must be under, and you have my sympathies. I can offer no advice, other than to continue to pursue his family for repayment, ABSOLUTELY mention it every time you see them (Oh, nice haircut! So you can afford to repay the £x you owe us then, if you can afford that.) And periodically spend £2 credit checking your husband via Experian or Equifax to ensure he hasn't taken out any credit cards.

Dh is british so not any sort of cultural thing.

Its just depressing how little money we have. Maybe I should start playing the lottery (and keep it a secret if i win!).

Bloody hell!

How much do they owe you?

roughly about 2k. of that 700 was my own personal savings the rest was from dh wages. possibly more on credit cards iam unaware of but I paid those off when dh moved in with me for what i thought was a 'fresh start'

I don't think i could go to their wedding in those circumstances or spend any time with them. It would make me too bitter.

He's lent them YOUR personal savings, fucking hell

Does your DH have any hobbies he spends money on or the like. If so stop that money and pay it into an account until you have the £700 saved up. I think you need to make him feel the painful side of letting his family avoid paying the money back.

I want to scream on your behalf - you have four children with health problems and he is keeping his wife and children short of money because he is too spineless to deal with his family. He deserves the most enormous kick up the arse.

If you had plenty of spare money it would still be annoying. But in this case is just incredible. I would be inclined to boycott the wedding until the money is repaid to you. This is just so unfair on you and your children. And I agree write a letter to all the people who owe you money simply stating that the money needs to be paid back. Now.

YANBU

And your husband sounds like a spineless idiot and that's putting it nicely. He is failing you and your family, if I were you I'd have very little respect for him

Glad your housing is secure. The other point about planning for pensions etc (boring I know) is that £100 saved now is worth a lot more than £100 saved in 20 years time. People with no habit of saving for he future, or who really can't afford to, lose out in a disproportionate way and will have to keep working.

Presumably his family must see him as successful in some way, for him to be they always go to - or he thinks this - so there is a sense of status involved. If so was he no embarrassed by having to be so thrifty about your wedding?
What kind of wedding gifts did the family give you?

I do not think he was embarassed at our wedding but it was obvious to everybody it was done on a small budget (cheapest room at registry office, very basic cake and reception at home afterwards. ) To be honest iam not that confident anyway so wouldn't have liked a huge wedding. A bit more choice would have been lovely though but would have sent the cost right up.No chance sadly of a honeymoon def not any money for that (did I mention the relative getting married will be having a lovely honeymoon-makes me want to scream).

We had a gift list at john lewis but none of his family bought from it, his mum did pay a bit towards the drinks for reception, his dad gave us £250 (his dad is v nice though and has never borrowed from us) his sister and her dp got a wedding album for us and his wonderful brother got us......................NOTHING. Yes, the 'wonderful' was sarcastic.

The thing is I think in the past he has obviously lent SO much and not asked for it back that they really never expect to pay back anything, even when asked it's as if they take the request with a pinch of salt.They do not seem to grasp that i need the money paid back, even £10 a week would help, itd buy a pack of nappies and wipes but they just cant see it.

Bloody hell!

This must be infuriating. What an absolute cheek! I would sit down with 'D'H and work out exactly what everyone owes you. Work out what you could buy with that money, and what a positive difference it would make for your family. I would then make a plan of action, ie. write to relative getting married along the lines of 'Before you factor OUR money into your wedding budget we'd like it paid back immediately, preferably before you pay any deposit on expensive venues'.

I would not stop asking until my money was paid back. Payment plans are a very good idea. You could write to each explaining that you need the money back now and how does a direct debit of £x a week sound for however long it takes. I'd also be making your husband write the letters/emails!

Don't feel bad for feeling bitter, I would most certainly be!