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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy to come home and find my I laws in my house all the time

69 replies

Zookiemay · 23/07/2012 15:38

Not sure that I would find it do much a problem if my DH agreed that it was a bit annoying. They are nice people and I know they are just being friendly , but it is too much. If I go out, I come home to find the dog gone - they have taken her to theirs - even if I have just popped out for 2 seconds.
They will just let themselves in whenever, and just say they want a chat.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 23/07/2012 15:39

Why have they got a key then?? You need to set them some boundaries.

Sparklingbrook · 23/07/2012 15:39

Dog kidnapping? Sad That would really annoy me. So does DH think it's perfectly acceptable?

Also, do you have to keep the house pristine at all times?

Birdsgottafly · 23/07/2012 15:43

Set some bounderies, by all means, but take on board that they might be trying to be helpful and it might be a miscommunication.

Some families are closer than others, it is the norm in my circle to all have keys to each others houses, but that doesn't seem to be the case across MN.

DizzyKipper · 23/07/2012 15:47

YANBU I'd absolutely hate it if my inlaws were always in my house. Can you take the key bacl and explain why? As Betty says you need to set some boundaries.

Original poster
Zookiemay · 23/07/2012 15:53

They have a key for emergencies. I know that they aren't being mean and that they try to help, but I want to be able to come home sometimes and just relax.
My home is far from pristine but is clean and tidy but if course, I always feel in edge as some comment is usually made asking if I want help to finish tidying etc.
I love that my DH us close to his family, but I guess it is sometimes claustrophobic.
I admit that it is lovely to have someone there to help out occasionally but it is too much in this family for me. I feel my DH and I should make decisions about our home and children on our own and not have to have grandparents constantly challenging them.
Oh and my DH loves the situation and wants his mum and dad to be involved to this extent if not more.
I feel a but redundant I guess Sad

OP posts:
tartyflette · 23/07/2012 15:53

It's not unreasonable to ask them not to take the dog out without letting you know first, or unless it's pre-arranged in some way. You might have been looking forward to taking it out for a nice walk yourself when you got home.
I'd also ask them not to let themselves in when I'm not there it's a bit rude, really unless it's pre-arranged (as above). Youc could make a joke about it, say everyone needs some privacy and wink heavily.

ZZZenAgain · 23/07/2012 15:54

that would be too much for me

Birdsgottafly · 23/07/2012 15:56

Has it got more lately, or has it always been to this extent?

He probably see's you as one big family, where as you think of your DH and children as a family.

You should never be undermined, though.

tartyflette · 23/07/2012 15:59

Blimey! It's a bit more than just letting themselves in and being there all the time isn't it? How dreadful for you that your inlaws are challenging your decisions about your home and your children! Too, too much! Your DH should consider your feelings above theirs. Don't you you need to have a very serious talk with him and say how unhappy you are with the situation? No-one should be made to feel redundant in their own home and with their own DC. Good god. Hhave the talk, please.

tartyflette · 23/07/2012 16:04

If they have a key 'for emergencies' but are using it all the time then they are abusing your trust and hospitality. I hope you can sort out some boundaries for them, how would they feel if they knew how upsetting you're finding this? If they are as nice as you say then I hope they'll back off a little.

RuleBritannia · 23/07/2012 16:05

So the key is for emergencies? Did the dog have to be taken to the vet or something? Hardly an emergency, I imagine.

DuelingFanjo · 23/07/2012 16:08

I'd hate it. Have you thought about leaving DH's pants on the sofa, leaving the whole place in dis-array etc? Just for a laugh?

Maybe plant something bizzare and embarrassing of your DH's in plain view. If he doesn't have anything then get something. I remember reading on here a suggestion that someone get hold of information about moving to Australia and leaving it lying about just to see how nosey they are.

anywayYANBU but maybe have a bit of fun with it until DH sees he is wrong?

ENormaSnob · 23/07/2012 16:09

Yadnbu

DuelingFanjo · 23/07/2012 16:09

Or... do you have any friends or family you could give a key to so they can lounge about in your house until your DH comes home and finds them in the house?

MrsPear · 23/07/2012 16:13

You have my sympathies OP - my in laws would be the same which is why i am so glad that they are in another country. Infact my DH's family as a whole don't get privacy - his brother just walked into our room the other morning. I know he could hear that DS was in there as well so nothing like that would be happening but i sleep naked! DH however did have a word and yours should too!

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 23/07/2012 16:18

YadefNNNbu!!

Time for a talk with dh first, then the ILs, it's too much for you, and your POV needs to be taken a LOT more seriously than it is at the moment. Feeling undermined in your home is NOT acceptable.

Show DH this thread perhaps if you think it might help get your point across.

Original poster
Zookiemay · 23/07/2012 16:21

Have to say that I haven't always thought if them as nice. Before we had children it used to upset me and DH and i always argued about it. His mum used to let herself in and clean up when I was at work do DH didn't have to! Used to do all his ironing as I wanted to share this and other chores and his viewpoint was that if I wasn't going to do it why is it such a problem for his mum to do it. I know he thinks I have an unrealistic viewpoint regarding relationships but I just want to feel I have a partner Sad

Now I have children I can see that they feel they are helping their son out.
But, there are so may questions about why we are doing this or that in the house and with regard to the children. My DH tends to be swayed by them even after we have made a decision as they must know best.
I'm so frustrated about the situation as it is making me resent my husband.
There is never an emergency with the dog it is all the time and u have to call them to bring her back or go collect her myself.
Similar situation with the children.
They ask to take the children for an hour pop to the shops with them for half an hour , but I will have to call them however many hours later to find out where they are as they have then gone somewhere else, because my son wanted to. He is 2 and my daughter is 2 months, so maybe I am being too selfish as they are their grandparents. But they do it even if I have plans

OP posts:
tartyflette · 23/07/2012 16:30

Sorry, OP please don't take offence but is their behaviour usual in their/your culture? Or is it just them?
It's just that if it IS a cultural thing, (for example where extended families may live very close by, do lots of things together, individual privacy not really a consideration, and family is the most important thing) then I think you have a long hard road in front of you. Sad

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 23/07/2012 16:31

That would drive me up the wall! Your adult DH still feeling that his parents 'know best' doesn't sound very healthy to me.

I'd consider giving an emergency key to someone else and changing the locks. One of our neighbours has a set of keys for our place, as does a friend who lives a short walk away.

As for 'some comment is usually made asking if I want help to finish tidying etc.', say breezily 'FINISH tidying? Oh, I don't bother to do ANY tidying' and then change the subject. or offer to stuff the tidying where the sun doesn't shine

And taking your kids out 'for an hour' and then being out, with no discussion, for a lot longer, and you having to chase them, is right out of order.

liketochat1 · 23/07/2012 16:33

Gosh this would irritate me. I think a diplomatic word to your partner might be in order. He might be the best person to think of a way to broach this with his parents.

naturalbaby · 23/07/2012 16:37

your kids are 2 and 2 months and your IL's take them out for hours at a time, unplanned? No thanks, that's waaaaaaaaay too much.

How much more does your DH want them to do?? Do you work?

It's your family - yours and your DH's, so he may be happy with the current situation but if you're not then he has to respect that.

Change the locks!!

DuelingFanjo · 23/07/2012 16:38

the taking the children thing would really piss me off and I think you have to put a stop to it. Can you possibly summon up the courage to say 'no'?
If you feel like you need to give an explanation then you can say 'last time you had them you didn't return them when you said and it upset me' but 'no' ius just as good.

Could you ever just call at theirs and take the dog saying 'I thought I would save you the trouble of coming over, can you drop him back when you're done?'

Also - the washing / ironing thing. Could you just stop ironing/washing any of your DH's clothes?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 23/07/2012 16:41

YANBU this would do my head in. Nice as they are, they clearly have no boundaries at all. Do you have a key to their place? Maybe you could treat them to a taste of their own medicine. Could be quite daft though- they'll be at your house making themselves at him and at the same time you could be at theirs' doing the same thing Grin

I personally like Duelings idea most though.

EightiesOlympicGolds · 23/07/2012 16:46

I would put another lock on the door and only use it when your DH is out at work and you need to pop out. Keep forgetting to have another one cut..

ChuffMuffin · 23/07/2012 16:49

Assuming you have one, could you not lock the front door with the key in from inside and then go out the back door?

Poor you, what you're describing would drive me absolutely mad too :(.

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