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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be happy to come home and find my I laws in my house all the time

69 replies

Zookiemay · 23/07/2012 15:38

Not sure that I would find it do much a problem if my DH agreed that it was a bit annoying. They are nice people and I know they are just being friendly , but it is too much. If I go out, I come home to find the dog gone - they have taken her to theirs - even if I have just popped out for 2 seconds.
They will just let themselves in whenever, and just say they want a chat.

OP posts:

cocolepew · 23/07/2012 23:23

It sounds like they have spoilt DH and are still carrying on as if you are both children and incapable of looking after yourselfs or making decisions. It also sounds like DH is happy to continue to be treated like a child so he doesnt have to do any work around the house.

naturalbaby · 23/07/2012 23:38

It's very selfish of your DH to call you strange for feeling the way you do. He needs to understand that what is normal for him is not normal for you and this is your shared home. Does he really want you feeling put out and uncomfortable in your own home all the time - every minute of every day?

You have compromised a huge amount to allow him and his family to do things their way but the scales are tipped too far in their favour - explain to him how it's making you feel and that you would appreciate a little understanding and respect for your feelings.

EllenParsons · 23/07/2012 23:44

YANBU

I would hate this!

Iteotwawki · 24/07/2012 00:00

I think holyfishnets has it in one word - respect. There is none being shown here, by the in-laws or the OP's husband, to her.

I get on extremely well with my MiL but if she acted like the OP's then I'd be removing her unlimited access to my home and family and seeing her by appointment only. Then again, she wouldn't dream of being so disrespectful which is why we get on!

Original poster

Zookiemay · 24/07/2012 00:29

Have to say pengymum that your suggestion did make me laugh out loud
I know that this is ruining my relationship with DH as I agree with people who have said that this is about respect - I don't feel respected and I'm worried how low this makes me feel but also how incapable I am of changing the situation.
I'm worried about confronting the situation I guess because I know that I will lose.
I live where I live because that is where DH wants to live, where he never wants to move from. Think I'm scared and have let things go as maybe my inlaws do have boundary issues (or at least I think they do), but it's DH I resent for not changing it and listening to what I want. Think that getting everyone's views makes me realise that I do have a right to want something different and I won't be making my children suffer by not having their grandparents in their life in this way.

OP posts:

Gingerodgers · 24/07/2012 04:26

Aha, I have a cunning plan, start leaving lists of things that need done, then disappear, forget to thank them, and generally show no respect. This will hopefully piss them enough to stop coming, and new boundaries can be set without confrontation!

Accuracyrequired · 24/07/2012 05:01

"I would put another lock on the door and only use it when your DH is out at work and you need to pop out. "

This is the best idea.

Iburntthecakes · 24/07/2012 06:18

I had similar issues with my exMIL. She would use her emergency key to come in, tidy and do whatever washing and ironing she found there. XH thought like yours that this was great as he didnt want to have to do his own. I tried to address it with her and told her it made me uncomfortable her coming in to do washing and I didn't want her to and she simply said she didn't mind doing it at all and I mustn't worry. I said that wasn't the point as I minded but she simply smiled smugly and said I really mustn't worry and repeated she didn't mind.

It only resolved itself when I eventually persuaded xh to get a cleaner and hired someone to do the ironing. I think she was sufficiently offended by that to stop! However that may not be affordable and it took sometime to persuade ex when 'why do we need to pay someone when MIL will do it for free'

financialwizard · 24/07/2012 06:26

I would be moving. No way on this green earth would I be having that.

Thumbwitch · 24/07/2012 06:38

Your DH likes still being the baby boy and his parents like keeping him that way. He doesn't want to grow up and be an adult, a responsible partner to you.

I would go crazy in your situation - I moved to Australia with DH and we live 15mins up the road from his mother, and that's close enough - too close at times! To start with we had to stay with her, fine. Then we moved into our house and to start with she was here pretty much every day - I grew to really resent the intrusion. I know she was only here to help, I didn't care - actually I was quite homesick, adjusting, and I just needed down time when I didn't have to be polite to her.
In the end I had to say to DH that he had to stop her coming over so much or I was going to really fall out with her (not her fault but still) and did he really see her coming over 6 days out of every 7 as a good thing? He hadn't considered it to be a problem, but he saw my point (and really didn't want us to fall out) so the visits diminished. Now we see her most weeks, but maybe only once or twice; and she has her own key but only so she can let herself in with DS when she's had him out with her for the day and we're not back when she gets here. She doesn't use it when we are here.

She still comes over and does my garden for me, which still irritates me - but I've stopped her doing the bits that really piss me off and now I just accept she's one of those people who have to be doing something. I get really agitated if she starts doing too much for DH but we nipped that one in the bud as well - the first time I went back to the UK with DS for 3w, DH did fuck all in the way of cleaning/ washing up - she did it all. I asked her not to do that next time and she hasn't done it since. DH isn't best pleased but seriously, he understands why I've done it. He doesn't want to be seen as mummy's little boy (thank goodness!)

Your DH clearly has no such issue and is happy to be a manchild. I'd have lost massive amounts of respect for my DH if he'd allowed the situation to continue, as I suspect you are/have. He needs to grow up and set some proper ADULT boundaries.

Leanderbaer · 24/07/2012 06:58

YANBU, they are BU
shudders at the thought

diddl · 24/07/2012 07:41

I agree with Pengy-anything your husband wants his Mummy to do he can take to her.

When I first knew my husband his Mum & Dad used to go round every week & clean & have a meal waiting.

Fine I suppose-problem was he thought he was doing them a favour by giving them something to do lazy git & MIL thought that her boy still needed him.

Therefore when I ousted her met him, it was more traumatic for her than it needed to be!

2rebecca · 24/07/2012 08:09

I would have got angry the first time they let themselves into my house without my permission and told them and my husband it wasn't on.
I would tell your husband you aren't happy with them treating your house as their own and that the key they have should be only for emergencies.
I would also tell the inlaws that you don't want them letting themselves into your house again and in future if they knock and no-one is in can they just leave your house alone and not take out your dog unless you have asked them to.

Bibblebobbleparsnip · 24/07/2012 08:32

I completely get you OP! My IL are not geographically close (3hrs drive away) but whenever she comes round my MIL tries to do all sorts round the house. It's because she sees it has being helpful, but I see it as her interfering. My DH also thinks I'm being over sensitive & a martyr. I just think my MIL hasn't thought it through from my view.
How about next time you walk in and find them in your home you act panicked and say "oh my gosh- what happened?!!! What's the emergency! I know there must be something wrong, as that key is for emergencies only! Has someone taken the dog? Are my children ok?!!"
My only other suggestion is for them to find you & your husband in an intimate situation...

Thumbwitch · 24/07/2012 08:42

Another evil idea - perhaps you could go round to MIL's house and rearrange her kitchen cupboards/get the duster out/ start wiping her kitchen surfaces - see how she feels about it. If she feels as though you're overstepping the mark, then you have the perfect opportunity to say "this is exactly how I feel - please stop doing this in my home".

pengymum · 25/07/2012 22:34

Aha yes Thumbwitch - the Tit for Tat manoeuvre! Good one! Go round and start tidying and washing up, sweeping floors, shout down from bathroom 'where do you keep the bathroom cleaning stuff MIL? Just thought I'd give the bath and basin a quick once over while I'm up here. (evil smirk )
Will upset her no end! And you won't need to speak to DH!
Get their keys (for emergencies, har har), go round and mow their lawn when they have taken your kids off! But not in nice stripes, do it wiggly and will really bug them!
And a masterstroke, when they are out: Take down their nets and wash them: 'they were looking a bit tired'
[gri

pengymum · 25/07/2012 22:35

oops posted too early - missed the

perfectstorm · 25/07/2012 23:46

I love that idea.

Make sure you rearrange all the drawers with personal paperwork in, just to keep them on their toes.

Maybe supply new loo bleach and smile tactfully and say you just thought it might fix the, um, odour issue.

Liketochat1 · 26/07/2012 08:04

Thank you so much for asking this! I read the advice to dh last night. And maybe, maybe, maybe it's also helped me.
Op I really sympathize with your situation. I've been going through something similar for 6 years now. And it has caused so many rows. It's about the only thing dh and I ever argue about. I just feel I have no privacy or control of my own home. It's very difficult.

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