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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be happy to come home and find my I laws in my house all the time

69 replies

Zookiemay · 23/07/2012 15:38

Not sure that I would find it do much a problem if my DH agreed that it was a bit annoying. They are nice people and I know they are just being friendly , but it is too much. If I go out, I come home to find the dog gone - they have taken her to theirs - even if I have just popped out for 2 seconds.
They will just let themselves in whenever, and just say they want a chat.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 23/07/2012 16:54

How often do they take the dog and what is their connection to the dog? It just seems odd that they are claiming him as theirs in some way.

EightiesOlympicGolds · 23/07/2012 16:57

oh, the back door idea is good.

Adversecamber · 23/07/2012 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovebunny · 23/07/2012 17:14

i have a key to my daughter's house but i don't just let myself in at will! tell them your boundaries. you have a right to privacy in your own home.

AnAirOfHope · 23/07/2012 17:14

It would do my head in because im antisocial and im very terratoreial (sp?) over my house and i see it as my own space and they would be invading it.

I would just ask for the key back no reason is needed. Tell them the dog will be fine on his own for a few hours and its your concern not theirs.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 23/07/2012 17:17

OP, I sympathise. I love my ILs, and we get on well. They would never dream of taking DD hours longer than planned without asking first. They did used to let themselves in though, to help with DIY bits and other things they felt needed doing. Drove me absolutely nuts! That's just how DH's family are, but I was brought up to consider it rude, and it made me really uncomfortable in my own home. (Pretty certain my MiL would have been mortified to know I found it rude! )

DH and I argued about it, he promised to talk to them. They still let themselves in.
He told me he asked for the key back and they didn't have it anymore. They still let themselves in.
One day when I was ill, off work, at home in bed, I heard the front door go. I panicked, grabbed a vase, lined up to lump the intruder as they came round the stairs. Scared the crap out of my FiL!
I changed the locks after that. :)

lovebunny · 23/07/2012 17:18

do you have a key for theirs? if so, let yourself in, preferably after they've gone to bed, and start cleaning the fridge (over fifties have issues with fridges and over seventies are worse). or hoover.

ZZZenAgain · 23/07/2012 18:07

Make it impossible for them to get in when you are out, however you do it: change the lock and give your emergency key to someone else, add an extra lock for which they don't get a key, leave the front door locked from the inside with the key in and go out the back for a start.

However I think your dh will have to do some blunt talking here or this will never change. If he will not, perhaps you will have to do it. Not going to be pleasant but it is your home and you need to feel comfortable there. They encroach too much for my taste, it would drive me mad.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 23/07/2012 18:32

You could explain yet again to your DP why you don't like it, and if he still won't talk to them tell him that in that case you will change the locks.

Oh, and follow through with it, obviously, if he still won't support you.

Original poster

Zookiemay · 23/07/2012 18:40

Thank you for your help. It feels good to vent

OP posts:

Original poster

Zookiemay · 23/07/2012 18:46

Like the thought about changing the locks, but my DH would go and give them a key - and probably ask his dad to do it.
I think the problem is that my DH wants and likes thus arrangement and thinks that I am odd that I don't and calls me strange and says that it's just that I am not close with my family . I think I am fairly close, don't get in with them that we'll but. Isn't them every week and know they would be there if I need them and vice versa.
I just don't know how to tell DH that it feels like we are all in this marriage and get him to understand it. At the moment he just thinks that there is something wrong with me

OP posts:

exexpat · 23/07/2012 18:52

Your DH probably thinks this is normal because he has grown up in a family that does this. Might you be able to show him this thread to prove that most people not only do not think this is normal but would actually hate it, and would have changed the locks by now rather than putting up with it? I think I'd move house if my in-laws lived close enough to do that...

Or if you don't want to show him this particular thread, in case he gets upset about you complaining, maybe look up one of the many similar ones there have been about in-laws overstepping boundaries, which all get 99 per cent of reactions saying 'too much, take away their keys/change the locks'.

Original poster

Zookiemay · 23/07/2012 18:55

So sorry about the typos - combination of iPhone and letting it all out for the first time

OP posts:

TheEternalOptimist · 23/07/2012 18:58

There is nothing wrong with your inlaws being involved in your life, in fact it is lovely to a point.

You have no privacy in your own home and have no control over your own life. This is where they stray from being lovely helpful inlaws to an utter nightmare.

You have two options. You can make a stand now and go through the fall out. Or you can decide to live with it and accept that you will never be the boss of your own house.

It will not improve, in fact it will get worse, as your children grow older. Taking them out and not bringing them back is utterly unacceptable. I would refuse to let them go if they were doing this.

holyfishnets · 23/07/2012 20:15

I would hate this. You have no privacy. There is no respect shown for your parenting or house. You are disempowered. You need to get them to ask before taking the dog off. You need to request that they return the kids on time and if they fail to do this, not allow GP's to have kids again for a while

Can you show posts to DH. He is the unreasonable and weak one not making a stand for your needs and your families needs. He is letting them randomly dominate your family.

perfectstorm · 23/07/2012 21:42

Your DH is behaving as though it's his house and you're just a lodger. This is not a normal arrangement. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it, if it suits all parties... but it doesn't. It doesn't suit you. It isn't for your DH to treat you with contempt by allowing his family to invade your home at any and all times. In fact it's pretty contemptuous to value their opinions over yours, too.

YANBU at all. I think you need to tackle DH and spell out how angry and upset this is making you and how damaging it is to your relationship, because unless you have him on side, you can't tackle the IL. Good luck, it sounds horrendous tbh. There's nothing odd or weird about valuing privacy - and as for, "you're just not close with your family" in case your DH has missed it, his family are NOT your family, so why on earth would you feel okay about this! And he is privileging his own feelings, wants and needs over yours in a really obnoxious way. Totally not on to just ignore reasonable and valid feelings about your own home being a private sanctuary.

If you do get along with your own relatives, and they live near and would play ball temporarily as a favour, perhaps enlist them to join in for 2 months or so. See how he likes having his own in-laws there all the time, invading his privacy and commenting on how he lives. I'm suspecting he'd not be a massive fan.

JumpingThroughHoops · 23/07/2012 21:54

Christ almighty.

I miss the parents and the ILS who would come in and sort the house out when we were at work - the dry cleaning would be taken and returned, shoes to the menders, parcels collected, minor DIY jobs done. Those were the days. Oh yeah, I remember when we had family supporting us.

And whats always with the 'cultural' thing on this board if any one has any sense of family closeness?

Original poster

Zookiemay · 23/07/2012 22:21

Hoops, I do appreciate support and I see where it is coming from, but why is it wrong for me to feel it is too much? Am I wrong ? I think my conclusion is that I'm not unreasonable but nor are my inlaws - just that we have different views. Either way, it's suffocating.

OP posts:

Xayide · 23/07/2012 22:49

My sis DP mother use to come in and change their decor - curtains, kitchen lay out etc. DP felt unable to say anything as his mother would drop contact him at slightest thing.

Nobody any of us spoke to found that nice or normal behavior.

DSis threw strop in the end got key back and she retaliated by ignoring them for over 12 months .

I had issue with my IL undermining us - took a lot to sort that out and getting DH on side. For a long time it was easier for him to think of it as my problem it had to become our problem in his head to get his help.

DuelingFanjo · 23/07/2012 22:50

Hoop, most grown adults like to have a little independence don't they? I would personally hate it if my mum was in and out of my house fiddling about with my stuff and doing 'jobs'. My mum is still supportive in lots of ways but none that involve cleaning my washing my underwear for me!

perfectstorm · 23/07/2012 22:53

But Hoops, that suited you. I know one couple who have that arrangement with her DM, and it totally suits them all. But here it very much does not suit the OP, yet nobody seems to give a stuff about that in her DH's family. That's totally unacceptable - she's entitled to want her space!

GnocchiNineDoors · 23/07/2012 22:57

Op maybe you should show your dh this thread so he can see that it is not typical.

ToothbrushThief · 23/07/2012 23:03

My DMum was like this. I'd come home wanting to flake on the sofa start preparing an evening meal... I'd often find my DC alone in the sitting room and my DMum roaming my house

She would also take the DC/dog whatever and make free with everything else about my life.

Boundaries! (she had none)

I gently and sometimes not so gently had to set them. My DDad was very helpful.

suburbophobe · 23/07/2012 23:12

What is their problem that they feel 1. they have the right to your house without invitation.

Is their life so miserable/what are they trying to avoid between themselves by puttin themselves on you all the time...

Boundaries, boundaries, yes, ask for your key back and kindly say Sorry, this is not working for me.

you need to step up to the plate of self-assertion

pengymum · 23/07/2012 23:15

Take DH's washing and ironing over along with dog and DC to the ILs and say I thought I'd save you the bother of coming to get it! Tell them you will call back in an hour or so and disappear for the day, as they seem to do. If they are bothered, they will try to contact you but if they don't, you can do it regularly and guilt free whenever you feel like it. No washing and ironing - fab!

I'd 'lose' my key and change the locks or ask for their key back for an 'emergency' but not give it back. Tell DH that you don't like this behaviour and don't want it so tough. If he wants them to be that close, he can move back in with them.
Good luck!

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