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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want some warning or say when SIL wants us to babysit?

62 replies

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 12:32

basically my SIL is a nurse and works 12 hour shifts she is also a single parent. We've never really got on but I will b polite to keep the peace ( she makes a lot of snide comments about my weight and parenting etc depending on her mood ) she often asks my DP behind my back to babysit for her two dd's aged 5 and 11 on a Sunday which means 7am till 8 pm . He never tells me until the night before so I have no warning ! He says that he is the one looking after them so I should shut up and put up basically ! We also have two dd's aged 5 and 7 and they do all play nicely etc . I'm am heavily pregnant and we had them when I was 37 weeks which was 2 weeks ago I told him this is not good timing if I went into labour how can I find someone to sit with all 4 of them! He said you can't guarantee you will go into labour today tho ! I know she gets jelous of our relationship and everytime she calls him I get all on edge as I panic that she will bring them over and I really don't need it !

Now it's the holidays I have no doubt at all we will have them very soon at some point ! Prob even the day after baby is born. Thing is DP can't see it being a problem at all ? I jus feel I should b at least warned in advance and consulted ?

OP posts:

letseatgrandma · 23/07/2012 12:39

Nope-I wouldn't be happy about this at all and would probably have thrown all of my toys out of the pram by now! Is your DH aware she makes unkind comments? Will he be off work to look after her kids? Does she ever look after yours?

liketochat1 · 23/07/2012 12:41

Yanbu about this. Your dp and his sister are unfair to impose on your family time whether he is doing the caring or not. You should have the right to have a say in what happens in your own home.
I don't know how you deal with it though. Would a mini meltdown help to show him how much it's affecting you?

Original poster

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 12:42

He is aware but tells me to call her and ask her why she says them ? Well it's his sister but yea maybe I should? He has paternity leave for 2weeks for when baby comes and already mentioned having them over as her eldest is being a bit difficult at the moment and he feels if she is with him as her uncle he will get her to listen to her mum ? Yes he is very hands on although he won't take then out anywhere but he will cook for them and give them drinks etc but doesn't really entertain them other then with the tv ?

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 23/07/2012 12:45

I think YABU if your dp is the one looking after them & maybe a tad jealous?

Original poster

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 12:47

I've complained I've shouted I've cried I've gone out for the day with my 2 etc but hasn't made a difference! She has cut it down a bit tho but I can't help but feel she is doing it to cause arguments between me and him? She seems to lap it up ! I think he agrees to wind me up and get a reaction it's as if he gets a kick out of it iyswim? It's a shame cause we have been getting on really well but then when she is on the scene the atmosphere changes. I've even suggested he go babysit at her house but she lives 7 miles away but work right opposite where we live and he doesn't drive so he won't do that !

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 23/07/2012 12:49

Yanbu

Has DH ever taken your two over to your SILs house to look after them there, then at least you'd have peace and quiet and he really would be looking after them. I suspect at least some of the looking after is done by you.

dottyspotty2 · 23/07/2012 12:49

YANBU you are due a baby hormonal and he is being inconsiderate he should also be telling her to respect his partner sister or not why can't the older one go to friends for some of the time

Original poster

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 12:50

Hi red Helen im not jelous they are really lovely kids they aren't any trouble at all but some warning would be nice ! She bangs on the door at 7am then obv they wake my two up so we all end up being up at 7 am which if I knew I could prepare for it ? I also don't really feel that paternity leave is a good time to have her children for 2weeks would be nice to have time with jus us and the newborn ? When I had my first baby she came for (a holiday for a week) which caused me to have problems breastfeeding as everytime I went to feed her daugtjer kept walking in on me .

OP posts:

MintyMojito · 23/07/2012 12:52

Nah, YANBU. I would hate to have my SILs son over regularly and for it to be expected. He's a horror.

catus · 23/07/2012 12:54

YANBU. 7am to 8pm is a long day for babysitting. You have to come to a compromise for when the baby is born, really.

liketochat1 · 23/07/2012 12:56

I think the doctrine has a great idea cheeky. Ask him to take the children over to your sil's. You need peace right now. That's understandable. I think your sil is being very unfair causing arguments between you two. She should make her own childcare arrangements. Perhaps suggest she starts paying you (if she doesn't already) that might make her change her tune.

Original poster

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 13:01

She does have a childminder but she charges a lot for a Sunday obv! She says that her eldest asks if she can come and stay with us which is nice but she has my number why can she not ask me or ask dp to check I that's ok? I would more then likely say yes unless we have something planned which we rarely do! He will not go over there he doesn't drive and she won't drive 7 miles here then back at like 6 am ! I'm sure she does it out of spite Mayb not all the time but most of the time !

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 23/07/2012 13:03

Stop fighting it then & you won't get wound up! Next time just disappear off with a cheery "enjoy your day with the cousins " and go & do something else. What do you actually want SIL to do about childcare as obviously work shifts are going to involve weekends?

dottyspotty2 · 23/07/2012 13:04

RedHelen what do you expect her to do shes due a baby any time have a heart she shouldn't have to go out

Tamisara · 23/07/2012 13:16

RedHelen I don't think it's the OP's concern what the SIL does about childcare, it's her children, she chose her profession, it's her problem.

I agree that occasionally looking after the cousins, if her regular childcare let her down, but for it to be expected is a problem, especially as the OP probably wants some family time. Three kids will be enough in the house, without adding to them.

What about if SIL had to do night shifts, that will be just as expensive re; childcare, and it would be impractical to have the children then.

What about the children's father? Is he not around to share care? Surely the father should be responsible, more than the uncle?

How about grandparents? Are they not in a position to help?

I think it's very cheeky to go behind the OP's back, and ask the brother. It's treating the OP as if her opinions don't count.

Original poster

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 13:16

Well I did wonder y a single mother of two young children decided to train as a nurse who would b doing 12 hour shifts! I have to work nights so my dp can b with mine I hate it but they come first . The reason her eldest is having problems is because she has told her mum she just wants to b in her own home not dumped with everyone else all the time . Very sad

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 13:19

Father has gone abroad he no where to b found he is hopeless ! Grandparents also abroad . There is a cousin who gas them occasionally but she said it's inconvenient as 8pm on a Sunday means collecting them at 9pm when her children need to b in bed by 7

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 13:19

Gas ! Oh dear meant Has

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 23/07/2012 13:20

Yanbu. You should be able to have a bit of peace in your own home so close to the birth and not have the worry of who will look after them all when you go into labour, and post-natally.

Your SIL is really taking advantage, she knows that she can play the single parent card and DH will help her out. I'm guessing she gives you no money for treats or extra food for her girls while they are at your home. What would she do if you were all ill, or away on holiday?

Obviously you are not such a bad parent that she won't allow the girls to be looked after by you and DH. The asking him behind your back to look after them really is rude and underhand, and it's obvious why she does it, so that you can't refuse.

Perhaps you could suggest to DH that he take all the older DC out for the day while you stay at home with the new baby, he would have to do something with them other that sit them in front of the TV, and you would get a rest and quiet. Remind him that he said he would be doing the minding. I'd also call SIL and say you won't be available for childminding for the next 8 weeks and she must make other arrangements.

letseatgrandma · 23/07/2012 13:22

Do they just turn up then?!

To be honest-if you're DH doesn't mind and he seems to enjoy wi sing you up-I'd probably suggest he moves in with her! What sort or husband is like this?

Does she have your kids? Her childcare is not your problem!

Of I was heavily pregnant-I'd be in bed-sleeping, resting or reading. Let him do it. If he tried to do it during paternity leave (what sort of crappy cow would she be to try that?!) then I'd probably leave the bastard!!

AKMD · 23/07/2012 13:22

YANBU, her childcare arrangements should not be your problem. It's nice to help out once in a while but not as plan A.

Your DP sounds horrible.

Original poster

Cheekychops84 · 23/07/2012 13:28

Yea I think he does it cause he knows I don't really like her as she don't like me when I first got with him when no one was looming she would kind of shove into me or stamp on my foot constantly so childish my mum caught get at a funeral and ever since she stopped now when dp is out of the room she makes comments like "oh u put in weight" or " y don't you make more of an effort for your husband" " you should always cook for your man" that kind of stuff but when I told dp he shrugs it off really so I feel they are ganging up on me tbh I would go to my mums for the day but her house is a building site ! Not ideal with 3 kids really ! Plus y shud I b pushed out my house ! He won't take them out he sees Sunday as a rest day!

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 23/07/2012 13:32

What you are describing is how families used to work in the old days and a lot of working class families, still do, because they cannot afford childcare.

I think that it is partly the way you are thinking about it, that is the problem.

You have got yourself into a them and me,mindset.

How do your children feel about the arrangement?

I am quite envious of my elder half sister's relationship with our cousins and my DP has the same, because they grew up in each others houses, my dad was like you, and put a stop to it, by the time i was born.

If your DP is hands on,i don't see the problem, tbh. Within a couple of years they will be old enough to be left at home.

dottyspotty2 · 23/07/2012 13:34

Does he shrug it off or is he quietly seething DH was like this with SIL not looking after her kid but she treated our youngest like crap making her quite ill we had it out and he basically said he didn't do anything because he would kill her for everything she'd done to both her and me over the years

Birdsgottafly · 23/07/2012 13:35

You don't have to accept the insults, you can challenge them.

If you think that your DH agrees to this, 'to get at you', then she isn't the problem, at all.

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