AIBU to want some warning or say when SIL wants us to babysit?

[Cheekychops84]

basically my SIL is a nurse and works 12 hour shifts she is also a single parent. We've never really got on but I will b polite to keep the peace ( she makes a lot of snide comments about my weight and parenting etc depending on her mood ) she often asks my DP behind my back to babysit for her two dd's aged 5 and 11 on a Sunday which means 7am till 8 pm . He never tells me until the night before so I have no warning ! He says that he is the one looking after them so I should shut up and put up basically ! We also have two dd's aged 5 and 7 and they do all play nicely etc . I'm am heavily pregnant and we had them when I was 37 weeks which was 2 weeks ago I told him this is not good timing if I went into labour how can I find someone to sit with all 4 of them! He said you can't guarantee you will go into labour today tho ! I know she gets jelous of our relationship and everytime she calls him I get all on edge as I panic that she will bring them over and I really don't need it !

Now it's the holidays I have no doubt at all we will have them very soon at some point ! Prob even the day after baby is born. Thing is DP can't see it being a problem at all ? I jus feel I should b at least warned in advance and consulted ?

Yea there is 14 of them ! I'm an only child and do find them all overpowering really. I don't mind helping but I would like more then an hours notice! And for her to stop being nasty to me considering I have her kids all Sunday fees then entertain them etc I can't afford to take them all out on a bad day abs if I suggest it to dp he is like nah there ok playing upstairs even tho I clear up the mess. I rarely need help with childcare as I work crap hours so we can get round it but I understand it's a nightmare in the holidays but I don't want them when I have his given birth our house is tiny it's a 2bed and tiny garden it's too much relly

SIL sounds delightful. Isn't it nice to be advised to look nice for your husband and always cook for him from a woman who doesn't have one of her own! Obviously it didn't work for her DD's father.

Seems to me you only get an hours notice but he probably has a few days notice. The problem lies with your DH.

Next time she gives you some advice about keeping your husband happy, ask her why she doesn't take her own advice!

It is pretty ridiculous for you to be expected to entertain two more children when you have a newborn in the house. I would definitely put my foot down on that one.

Speak to your husband and tell him that you are going to ring her and tell her she will have to sort out her own childcare for x amount of weeks once the baby is here, as you will be trying to establish a nice routine at home with just your own children.

She also asks my mum where her husband is (my dad) when my mum is visiting ! She does it in a sort of jokey way and gives my kids funny slide glances she deff jelous I think I dnt no ? Yes I will tell DH I don't bother txting her as she doesn't reply ! When she goes tonworknshe switches her phone off if one of her dc's were unwell we can't get hold of her.

Probally find there's not many places in a hospital you can have phone on but she should leave you HR number for emergencies.

Next time she lectures you on how you 'keep' your husband, laugh at her and say that you wouldn't take advice from someone whose ex went abroad to get away from her! And she can't even get a replacement..., what does she know? Fight bitchiness with more insulting bitchiness.

Your husband sounds like a pathetic arse, what kind of man would purposely wind up his heavily pregnant wife, enjoying the added stress to her and knowing the effect that can have on her and the baby? Tell him he is a dreadful father for endangering your pregnancy with stress and a terrible husband for ruining what should be a happy experience. Get legal advice, if you can dump this selfish lump on his sister then you should. They sound horrible.

In the meantime tell him that if he wants to mind her kids, he has to leave the house with them as you need peace. Lock them out if you have to. Stop being nice. It's not working for you.

Yea true I suppose ! Well if we have them when I go into labour I will take them with me and find her over there and tell her she will have to sort them out! My dads not going to want to sit with 4 of them at the age of 70!

If I'm stern he just shouts at me ! And then stays out for days on end and acts like a total child ! Tbh I won't b surprised if we do split cause the new baby will prob mean my hormones will make me flip at him and her !

This is terrible. I really don't know what to suggest. You poor thing.

Could you move?

Could you get legal advice to see what kind of position you'll be in if you split? You need to think about how to best protect yourself (house, bills etc) in that event. You'd be better off without him by the sounds of it. Pack his stuff the next time he stays out for his 'days on end' tantrum, leave it outside for his sister to pick up and change the locks.

You really shouldn't have to be dealing with this kind of nonsense right now.

Or ever for that matter. What a prick.

I know its not the done thing but could you get your mum/ dad to have a stern word with him but in a way that seems like you don't know? I know even though I'm a grown woman my mum/ dad would go bat shit crazy if my husband was taking the piss out of me like yours is especially at 37 weeks pregnant. My husband would also be uterly mortified if he got a bollocking off either one of my parents and would certainly have a rethink about his behaviour. Your SIL being a twat can only continue to effect you if your husband let's her.

My mum and dad don't like to get involved tbh ! We are moving soon but only across the street we are renting and it's convenient for work etc ! I have been trying to do the whole shut up thing as thought if I don't mention it he will soon get fed up ! But not really working altho it has died down it used to b every other weekend !

Reading thru this now I can see my DP is a spolit selfish brat and his sister is a nasty cow !

She used to stand on your feet and shove you???

[shocked]

I realise this isn't much help whilst you are so pregnant but take the car and go next Time it happens.. Go and sit in the hospital cafe if you like, then you will be on site if anything happens (take your pregnancy notes!). Go to a friend's nearby.

Alternatively I think you need a big talk with DH.

They sound like Jeremy Kyle types and I'm really not sure what you see in this man :( One of the few MN threads where I find myself thinking "She'd be better off without him."

You would be better off without all of gem IMO.

The pair of them are nasty, bullying twats.

You deserve better.

"They sound like Jeremy Kyle types"

Yes, you see qualified nurses on JK daily and men who not only are hands on dads, but a hands on uncle, to make up for their father leaving them.

Tell your husband you are quite happy for him to look after his sister's children,

but at her house, maybe when he has to spend 7am to 8pm,at his sister house a few times it might become apparent how much it is putting upon your family life, and tell him to take your older ones with him,

Sisters can be very controlling over brothers, she probably feels totally entitled to this childcare, as for her bulling, you need to put your foot down, if she is prepared to be so rude and horrid to your face, slyly when others aren't out the way, she will probably be happy to talk about you like that in front of the children,

the tactic she is using, saying really nasty things when others are out of ear shot is common, usually to get a full on reaction, so to others that don't witness the action, it appears as if you are totally unreasonable,unbalanced and difficult,

The next time she tries this on, asks you if you have put on weight, respond by , shouting through to your husband, " Darling, your sister wants to know if I have put on weight, what do you think?"

what ever she says, shout it out exactly and ask for opinions, she at the moment is counting on you not to publicise, but to complain to her brother, stirring and undermining,

How often does she have your children for a day?

I can see it from both sides tbh, good on her as a single parent to train as a nurse and good on your dp for being a good uncle and helping his sister to follow her career.

But, her treatment towards you is totally unacceptable. She should be showing some gratitude to both of you, giving you notice and returning the favour. He shouldn't be going off on strops for days just because you express your concern about the situation. And the treading on you feet thing is just crazy.

I do get the impression of two sides to every story with this thread. I sometimes prefer to deal with my brother rather than his wife as she can be quite abrupt and is terrible for not passing on messages.

Not too sure what advice to offer really if they won't listen to you other than offering your dp an ultimatum.

leave the bastard.

Yea it's really tricky ! I would leave but it's not that easy with 3 children and he is a great dad ! Plus I think she has got what she wants if I leave , me out of the way ! I know they do live like this before I met dp he used to stay at his other sisters in London every weekend to look after her son y she worked which is very caring and shows how close they are , but they would never come to us and do that for us his sister in London would never come here for example she wants his old mobile phone for her son but expects him to get the train and take it to her she won't come collect it . Maybe it is that they do have some sort if sisterly control over him? I'm bot against helping and I agree it's great she is doing a good job being on her own even tho I think maybe the work pattern isn't ideal for a single mum but oh well she is working hard . But yea it's more her attitude towards me and they way she goes about it that upsets me . Before I agree to have the dd's friends for tea or maybe my nephew for a day (very rare) I always ask him first if that is ok before I agree to it as I think it's just respectful .

if it impacts on you then he should tell you asap.

next time he does it the night befor tell him 'oh no i wish you had of given me more notice ive asked the mormons to come round tomorrow and was really hoping for a private chat with them,you will have to go to hers'

incidently whos house is it?

Well we rent it so both of ours ?