Aibu to question my dp about the type of dad he'll be?

[PiccalilliCircus]

My dp and I have been together for 4 years, and we are going to start trying for a baby in December.

I work with children and see all types of parents; some who I would like to be like, and some who worry me. My own father is an abusive bastard who I have no contact with, and I am fully aware that I am always looking for similar traits in my dp. My issue, not his. He also has a strained relationship with his own dad, and has said himself that he doesn't want to be anything like him. Between us, we have no positive male role model.

My issue is, I feel like I am constantly posing situations to him; asking him to predict how he would react. My own parents didn't discuss parenthood before they had us, and my mum was shocked by the father my dad became. I want to ensure I don't create a life with a man who I don't want to be my child's father, but I think I might be over thinking things.

Aibu to ask my dp to respond to hypothetical situations, from a dad-to-be point of view?

YABU in that you don't know what kind of parent you will be until you are one, and it can change from situation to situation.

It's very understandable, given your background, why you're overthinking this, but you really are overthinking this. I really believe that you cannot know what sort of a parent you'll be until you're a parent - and even then you'll change; for example I really struggled to be a good parent of toddlers but was comparatively awesome in the teenage years. Some parents love the newborn stage, some can barely cope - and so on.

Is he a good bloke? Is he thoughtful and caring? Does he show initiative? Does he shirk responsibility? Those are the important questions - and you should know the answers already.

It is good to make sure you have similar parenting styles but testing hypothetical situations is a bit pointless because you don't really know how you're going to act until you are in that situation.
I thought I would do a lot of things differently with my DD that haven't worked out that way.

You're not being unreasonable... But it's hard to know how you'll react until you're in it - up to your knees in no sleep and nappies and screaming.

Eitherway, I'd advise you both to be kind to yourselves and manage your expectations. There's a long road between abusive and being a frustrated shouty mum or dad.

I say that from my own experience of having a not so perfect childhood and setting myself up for a lot of sadness when I couldn't become the perfect mum I wanted to be. But I'm alright and mostly patient and a long way from abusive. That'll do!

I'm not sure it's a particularly helpful thing to pose hypothetical situations tbh. Partly because no one knows how they will react until actually put in a certain situation and partly because he will give you the answer he thinks you want to hear!! The most important things are communication and how well you can adapt.

If I'd asked DH, pre children, how he would react to a baby who screamed all night, I'm fairly sure that his response would not have been "screamed at the baby and then burst into tears" ... which is actually what he did. The important thing was that he realised that it wasn't an appropriate reaction and that we were both overtired and needed to develop a way to cope. Which we couldn't have done if we hadn't been able to talk honestly to each other and accept each other as we were.

I do think it's useful to talk about general parenting ideas and how you see your life will go. If one of you is of the "children should be seen and not heard" school of thought and the other expect to lives in chaos with the children given few boundaries, perhaps you are not suited to each other ..

I think you should ask him questions, but more in a "how will WE deal with this of situation", rather than quizzing him about how HE will deal with things.

So often on here, it is clear that parents didn't discuss finances, division of household chores or childcare, so I think it's worth discussing the practicalities of this life changing event before it actually happens.

Why don't you just ask him where he stands on certain issues that you know you have opinions on instead of trying to catch him out by posing a situation?
Ask what does he think about babies being left to cry themselves to sleep.
What about feeding
What about co sleeping
What about Spanking. plus a load more.
It will give you a big insight into how he feels about kids and what he thinks about many parts of parenting.

No I don't think YABU. It's certainly useful to uncover any areas that either of you feel strongly about eg discipline, schooling. And I think it's good to look for the red flags, as you are.

But

Remember that at this point it is totally theoretical. The reality of parenthood is always very different and you often spend time reacting or reassessing. So don't get too bogged down with discussing the minutiae and don't test him as he will understandably resent it and very likely you will not be exactly the type of mum that you set out to be, all the time, either. Just concentrate on making your relationship as solid as it can be in advance of The Bomb.

YABU.

I can see why you feel this way, but can´t see the point.

Unfortunately, you can´t know until it happens.

You have to trust that you know him.

Oh I pose hypothetical questions to dh about dd anf when we were ttc as its a good way to discuss the way we wanted to bring her up. an example would be (we are atheists) "dh, if dd asked to go to church, would you take her?" , "if dd announced she was gay, what do you think you would feel about that?".

Neither of us cam guarantee how we would feel in varyong situations but discussing stuff before we ever have to face it is a good way of learning each others standing points on stuff

Thing is, you cannot possibly go through each and every thing that could ever possibly happen at any point with any child. you just can't. And, more than that, you can't tell how you would react. you can say how you think you would react but I promise you, when you are actually in a situation, even if you have always thought you'd do X, you are just as likely to do Y or Z. you can't plan, predict and control to that extent.

What you can do is discuss the basics. To smack or not to smack. Fair division of labour, etc

See whether you have the same philosophy. That's far more useful and more achievable than what would you do if our 14 year old son came home from school on a tuesday and said that...

yanbu I think it's really good that you talk about things in advance. Maybe not very specific issues but a general chat is a good thing, definatly do it before you are pregnant as I have had conversations pre pregnancy and now in pregnancy and I actually cried earlier this week when I found out that my DP would like our baby boy to have a grade one hair cut I really don't want that to happen, well not unless ds asks for it

YABU, but I think you know that. As someone else said, an abuser is an abuser whether or not they have children. Surely you Know your partner well enough to know if he is that type of person already without setting him tests.

In terms of posing hypothical questions - how can he possibly know how he will react when he is a father? It is very easy to think you will be a certain type of parent before the event, but impossible to know what you will actually be like until it happens. You need to chill out and take things as they come.

You also need to be prepared for the fact that you might not turn out to be the type of parent you think you will. I thought I'd be the going to parties, letting children crash on the floor, laid back type and it turned out I was a total control freak who had to have my precious cherubs in bed by 7pm every night.

Well, obviously you can't know what kind of a parent you'll be until you become one, but I don't think YABU to get some idea of any parenting philosophies your DP may have. In fact, I think it's very sensible. My DH and I talked about lots of things relating to parenting before we became parents. We both had issues in our upbringings that we weren't keen to repeat, so I think we were both sounding out the other's opinion on things like discipline and education. You're both bound to have things that you're keen to do and very keen not to repeat. Finding out what those things are is a good idea IMO.

About violence - you'll get a really good idea whether your DP is going to be violent from how he is with you. How does he handle disputes? Does he talk things through calmly or fly off the handle? Does he bottle things up and then blow up at you? Or is he a pretty chilled-out guy? Yes, violence often repeats itself in later generations, but not always. We are a product of nature and nurture and you can be super-mindful of your upbringing and be careful not to repeat it (I know!)

When I was pregnant I had alot of parenting ideas, looking back at some I laugh at my self.

IMO it good to discuss what you would like to do, but things and ideas change when it comes to the reality of it

I agree with others. Don't talk about hypothetical situations, talk about specifics. Where you stand on the big issues (just to rule out any major differences of opinion) and then look at how you both deal with stuff otherwise. What happens when you get really, really stressed? How do you deal with disagreements, can you come to a solution together? Do either of you read, and how does that turn out - ie, do you become a google hypochondriac worrying yourself sick, or do you find it helpful? Would you be open to reading stuff together etc? How open are you both to change. How you react to conflict, especially with someone close who is winding you up e.g. an old friend or sibling.

I think it's actually massively important to talk about this stuff though as it can cause no end of grief if you have opposite ideas and ideals. I see what others are saying though in that your ideas will change a lot. I thought I'd always be pro smacking but in reality I don't even use "gentle" punishments like the naughty step or taking toys away, I just work things out with DS on a case by case basis. Never thought I'd breastfeed past a year but DS is 3.9 and only just showing signs of self weaning. However some stuff I haven't changed on. I'm laid back like I thought I would be, I never left DS to cry, whereas XP was all about routines and getting our adult time back and that babies are manipulative.

Another thing worth talking about is how you plan to divide labour up (again being aware your feelings might change on the subject) - do you want to have a stay at home parent, or both work? How long for? Which person does which role, etc. Often it's just assumed that the woman will be the one taking the time off but this doesn't have to be the case - but however you provisionally decide you'll have to work out finances etc as well.

This is going to sound really clinical, but if you're worried about him potentially being abusive (perfectly understandable given your background) then look out for the same red flags that are given for relationship abuse, because it's a mindset that causes abusiveness, and if he has it around children then it's likely to show up in your relationship too.

I know that in a lot of cases abuse only starts after pregnancy, but I think that because of the mindset thing, it's very likely there will be signs well before then, it's just they're a lot more subtle. Look at how he treats waitresses or shop staff, people below him at work etc. How he reacts if you make a mistake or have an accident. Whether he's an angry driver. If he has any addictions. Things like that or anything which makes you worry.

Sorry that this post sounds very matter of fact on what is actually a really emotive issue.

YABU

Sorry but I think you need to get over yourself

If you had said you were worried about what sort of parents you'll both me, it might be understandable.

But how insulted would you be if he started questioning and scrutinising you in this way before his sperm has even hit your egg?

*be

I think discussing things prior to having children is a good idea. What you both expect from each other, ideas on parenting etc. Unfortunately you never know how someone will be until you have the child prior to that it's all theoretical.

individual hypothetical situations are not that helpful imo, you should concentrate on discussing overarching principles - and discussing what you BOTH think of them and what you AS A COUPLE will do...

i wouldn't normally advocate this (i'd tell most people to just chill out) but you have specific hisotry and maybe if you're very concerned about this it would be helpful to read some books on overall principles and approaches to child rearing and discuss between you what you think of them.

Totally agree with Worra,how offended would you be if he kept questioning what sort of parent you would be??

you dont know how you will react to some situations until they happen and I worked with children before i had mine it is so different when it is your own and not 1 of your little charges , give him a break,

your dad would have been an abusive person becoming a parent wouldnt have made him abusive,