Aibu to question my dp about the type of dad he'll be?

[PiccalilliCircus]

My dp and I have been together for 4 years, and we are going to start trying for a baby in December.

I work with children and see all types of parents; some who I would like to be like, and some who worry me. My own father is an abusive bastard who I have no contact with, and I am fully aware that I am always looking for similar traits in my dp. My issue, not his. He also has a strained relationship with his own dad, and has said himself that he doesn't want to be anything like him. Between us, we have no positive male role model.

My issue is, I feel like I am constantly posing situations to him; asking him to predict how he would react. My own parents didn't discuss parenthood before they had us, and my mum was shocked by the father my dad became. I want to ensure I don't create a life with a man who I don't want to be my child's father, but I think I might be over thinking things.

Aibu to ask my dp to respond to hypothetical situations, from a dad-to-be point of view?

You have been with him for four years and plan to start trying for a baby in December. If after four years and making this life changing decision together you are questioning whether or not he will be a good parent, why the hell are you considering having a baby with him??? Just asking. Doesnt make sense.

I think the problem with questions about hypothetical situations is that sometimes the question is loaded. It can be that the questioner has a preconceived idea of what the "right" answer to the question is and so any response that differs is automatically regarded as "wrong". I think the one about kissing on the lips is verging on this.

With any of the answers he's given, have you honestly thought "actually, that would be a better way of dealing with it than what I would've done"? Or have you simply marked his answer based on how close he got to how you would do it?

Co-parenting doesn't work well like that. If you want him to be an involved and caring father you need to remember that sometimes he's going to do things differently to you. That doesn't necessarily mean he's doing it wrong. Sure, there are some situations where you need a united front but, again, that needs cooperation.

I don't think he can really know what sort of father he'll be until he is one.

But what I'd do is see how he treats other people, his parents, waiters, shop workers, and you.

I suppose you can ask about breast-feeding, and discipline and decide how the child-caring is going to be split.

I tend to go with the idea that if he's a dick now, he'll stay a dick and visa-versa.

And there's no way in a billion years I kiss any of my family on the lips, so I'm with him on that one.

At my NCT class we did a very interesting exercise to prompt discussion about our views on vaccinating children, co-sleeping, smacking and, erm a couple of others I forget.

The teacher wasn't giving us a view on any of these matters just trying to point out they were things we had to be on the same page over!

DH and I agreed on everything but co-sleeping - I said no, he said maybe. Actually we did, so what did I know... These are useful things to talk about, but effectively asking "will you lose your temper" is more about you trying to reassure yourself than getting facts, as no-one really knows how they will react in a given situation.

As far as the kissing on the lips thing goes - there was a thread on this a year or so ago. It was a 50:50 split between people who did it in their family and those who couldn't imagine it. So this isn't a sign your DP is emotionally stunted, it's as normal as the other option.

DH said he wanted to be known as Dad rather than Daddy as Daddy was "a bit nyurgh" whatever that means. This lasted until about a nanosecond post-partum. He will go soppy when his baby is born. Everyone kisses babies.

And I don't agree with that fathers aren't reborn at birth the same as mothers.

When my first child was born, time stopped still,It may have been my imagination but it seemed a strange ethereal light enveloped us.

I looked at my precious first born, they looked at me, there was a connection, almost unworldly, like we'd been together a thousand years.

Then he pooed all over me, that horrible Meconium, and it's been pretty much wiping arses and clearing up crap physically and metaphorically ever since.

Things I think it's worth discussing before TTC

• Money, especially if one of you plans to be a SAHP
• Childcare, if you both intend to work
• Weekends - lots of arguments because the WOHP expects the SAHP to be on duty 24/7 whilst the WOHM swans off golfing/ stays in bed till 10am

I'm surprised so many people have such a romatic and sentimental view and don't think it's worth talking about. All this "you just knoW" "you can't explain", it's as if something magical happens and so on.

Richman just now put it in a nutshell and all you ahve to do is read mn. There are plenty of people who "just knew" and who trusted their partners to be the kind of father they wanted and who were very disappointed, more than disappointed.

It's a good idea to find out. Obviously you have to be a bit tactful but it's a really good idea.

Are there any preparation courses you can go on? I don't think it's such a bad idea to discuss what kind of family life you want to have, but perhaps phrasing it as family life rather than what kind of father might be more productive.

ps I don't like the lip kissing either!