Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to question my dp about the type of dad he'll be?

59 replies

PiccalilliCircus · 22/07/2012 17:30

My dp and I have been together for 4 years, and we are going to start trying for a baby in December.

I work with children and see all types of parents; some who I would like to be like, and some who worry me. My own father is an abusive bastard who I have no contact with, and I am fully aware that I am always looking for similar traits in my dp. My issue, not his. He also has a strained relationship with his own dad, and has said himself that he doesn't want to be anything like him. Between us, we have no positive male role model.

My issue is, I feel like I am constantly posing situations to him; asking him to predict how he would react. My own parents didn't discuss parenthood before they had us, and my mum was shocked by the father my dad became. I want to ensure I don't create a life with a man who I don't want to be my child's father, but I think I might be over thinking things.

Aibu to ask my dp to respond to hypothetical situations, from a dad-to-be point of view?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/07/2012 19:40

I think it's a really good idea, to be honest, but actually shouldn't your decision to start a family have come about because you knew from your conversations that he could be trusted?

A lot of churches run classes for people getting married - I think it's a really good idea and certainly some weddings haven't gone ahead as a result of what's discovered there.

Things that would really put me off would be losing their temper really quickly, not being kind (not generous, but kind, so fetching you a cup of tea when you're tired, that sort of thing), drinking too much, being lazy and feeling entitled.

hiddenhome · 22/07/2012 20:10

My ExP was really enthusiastic about being a dad and swore he'd be the best dad in the world Hmm

Reality - he's a pile of shite. He used to shout at ds when he was a baby, refused to let him sleep in our room in his cot, he's never paid towards him, he doesn't take proper care of him, no pocket money, emotionally blackmails him yadda, yadda. He's an utter disgrace as a father, yet still maintains he's bloody marvellous.

Original poster
PiccalilliCircus · 22/07/2012 20:17

Worra, of course I question myself and my own parenting skills. The difference is, I do it internally. I worry that I might carry on the manipulative and confidence shattering behaviour that my father has distilled in me.

I work with small children so I can predict how I might handle certain situations. My DP probably hasn't even considered how he would respond, because he has never had to think about it.

One thing my DP doesn't get is that I kiss my siblings and my mum on the lips. He thinks lips are sexual, so it's inappropriate. He said he wouldn't kiss our children on their lips, and 'might' kiss them on their foreheads. That made me quite sad. He is an absolute wuss (if not a bit OTT) with our cats, but they are cats not kids.

OP posts:
yousankmybattleship · 22/07/2012 20:46

OP you sound very naive I'm afraid. I work with children too and I can tell you it is nothing like having your own children.

I must say I also agree with your partner about kissing on the lips. I am incredibly cuddly and kissy with my children but I have enver kissed them on the lps. Not becasue I think it is sexual particularly, but something about it seems not quite right or necessary.

You are seriously over thinking all of this and drawing some very strange conclusions.

I wonder if you might be be looking for excuses not to have a child with your partner? If your gut instinct is that you don't want him to be the father to your children then you should go with that instrict - you don't need to come up with all sorts of trumped up justifications.

BertieBotts · 22/07/2012 20:49

Kissing on the lips is a weird divide, you can probably search for old threads on it. I've always done it and consider it perfectly normal, it never occurred to me that people wouldn't do it, but it's fairly common to have the opposite view too.

I don't think you sound naive (interesting conclusion to come to battleship?) just understandably not wanting to repeat the mistakes of the previous generation. Have you ever had any counselling or therapy about the abuse you suffered as a child?

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2012 20:50

Worra, of course I question myself and my own parenting skills. The difference is, I do it internally. I worry that I might carry on the manipulative and confidence shattering behaviour that my father has distilled in me

Yes but how would you feel if he kept questioning your parenting skills and asking you hypothetical questions about it? Pissed off I would imagine...

I work with small children so I can predict how I might handle certain situations. My DP probably hasn't even considered how he would respond, because he has never had to think about it

No you can't

Working with children and having children are worlds apart I'm afraid as you will eventually find out.

Just chill out and relax. Parenting is very much a 'Learn-as-you-go' skill.

You won't always get it right and nor will your DP.

yousankmybattleship · 22/07/2012 20:53

Bertie - I only mean't that OP is naive to think she knows how she will be as a parent because she works with young children. Other people's children are easy because you don't have the highs and lows of emotions that you have with your own children.

BertieBotts · 22/07/2012 20:55

Oh I see :) - yes I agree. It's not the same.

scottishmummy · 22/07/2012 20:56

good idea to discuss yes,but it's moot point you never know the parent you'll be til you're a parent
and naturally people expect and hope they will be capable and attentive
certainly no harm having this discussion, good to discuss views and ideologies
do discuss nursery,return to work you working or housewife, attitudes to childcare etc

MagicHouse · 22/07/2012 20:59

I understand why you're worried.
In reality, no-one really knows what sort of a parent they will be until it happens.
The only thing I would say is that how he treats you will be a big indication of what he's like. I ignored all sorts of things about my exh, that when I look back should have given me clues that he was not going to be a great father. He's very controlling, can be bullying, very impatient, very childish. Of course he wasn't like that all the time so I ignored it all and we got married. But over the years he just got worse. I don't like the way he parents. He's a loud, arrogant bully half the time. (Nice the other half - but to me that doesn't make up for it.)
I always thought I would want to tell my daughter, if she got married when she grows up - how does he treat YOU? Because that's the way he will treat your children, only if there are worrying traits it will be worse for them, because small children are easy targets for nasty adult behaviour.

MagicHouse · 22/07/2012 21:00

PS - that's just my sad story - not saying there seemed to be anything in what you said that indicated your partner would be like that!!

scottishmummy · 22/07/2012 21:04

do discuss big stuff like monies, return to work, schooling (faith etc), nursery etc

lovebunny · 22/07/2012 22:37

if you discuss, rather than interrogate, it shouldn't be a problem. there's a lot to being a parent, it makes sense to discuss things before situations arise.

the trouble is that when the baby is born, you will be re-born, too. a mummy is born at the same time. your husband won't be re-born and the majority of your family won't be expecting it to happen. but you will be a different person. you'll change a bit when you're pregnant but you can't rely on any of the opinions you have now remaining unchanged when you see your baby. your husband though, will be the same person he is now.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2012 22:40

lovebunny do you know the OP's Husband personally?

My DH was very much a different person from the day our DS was born.

scottishmummy · 22/07/2012 22:42

that's such a women are goddesses ethereal woo hoo
usually post birth both parents change emotionally
man has acquired responsibility of being father.it's a shame this is minimized

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2012 22:46

Come to think of it, my DH was a different person as soon as he got to know my eldest DS's who were 9yrs and 2yrs and became their Step dad.

He became very paternal and nurturing towards them...giving up nearly all his spare time to help look after them...play with them, teach them, cook for them etc.

I know he changed because I've known my DH since I was 14 and he was 16.

We began living together when I was 32 and he was 34yrs old.

Dozer · 22/07/2012 23:17

On a basic level, does he fully share the domestic work / earning / leisure time?I know several women who assumed their slacker partners would step up after the baby arrived, and they didn't.

My dad didn't pull his weight at home (although did do lots of childcare), so I only ever considered visibly domestic types!

Dozer · 22/07/2012 23:18

Lovebunny, what sexist twaddle!

scottishmummy · 22/07/2012 23:38

did have snigger factor though you will be reborn,a mummy is born at same time
did you read that in clintons cards, or a heal thy self book?
either way it's risible

Kayano · 22/07/2012 23:40

What?!?! This is ridiculously unreasonable!

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2012 23:41

I've just always assumed she's projecting her own experiences when she comes out with little gems like that (as it's certainly not the first time my jaw has dropped) but it's not right to dress them up as facts.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2012 23:41

I meant LoveBunny by the way, not the OP.

BertieBotts · 23/07/2012 01:50

People don't change fundamentally, though. Abusive bullies, immature insensitive arses or lazy cocklodgers don't magically become perfect, model fathers as soon as their babies are born (NOT saying OP's husband is any of these) - it's very risky to hang on to an idea that a man will change and grow up and suddenly become responsible when there is a baby around, because in most womens' experience, they don't. In fact, these kind of traits become worse because they become a lot more isolating when there are children to consider.

If you're going to have children with someone, make sure they pull their weight, that you work as a team, that they're not mean with money, that you can have a discussion with them without them flouncing off in a huff or sulking for hours or becoming angry. Make sure they're the kind of person you'd be proud for your son to grow up like, or happy for your daughter to marry (apologies as that is slightly sexist, but it seems easiest to picture for most people) and have a vague idea that you agree on the big issues, routine vs no routine, guidelines vs instincts, discipline, education and faith, and you'll be fine. You'll muddle through. You might not agree on everything but you're able to talk, so you'll work it out.

LadyDianaSpencer · 23/07/2012 02:33

What sort of father do you think he will be?

Accuracyrequired · 23/07/2012 02:45

Actually I think you're being sensible. I guess I think too many people don't do this. If you don't know, it's not a bad idea to find out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread