Another Wedding one

[Cheekysunday]

Hi Mumsnet,

New to Mumsnet but here goes :)

Recently married, but my new husband and I have had an argument so I'd love to know people points of view.

Basicly he says he was put under pressure to do the speeches early as members of my family had to tend to the stables during the reception (11 horses stabled locally to the reception, but not a business). His point was that my family knew a lot of people who were very capable of helping and that for just one day it would have been lovely for somebody to make arrangements so as not let the horses dictate the pace. In addition he was annoyed that instead of my family helping me in the morning of my wedding they were once again tending to the horses. As he and his best man weren't ready to do the speeches he considers my family somewhat rude to force the timings. AIBU for defending my family???

I can see his point but if they want to nip out that is their choice. I wouldn't change the day to cater for that though

Does it matter, given that the events have taken place and are now in the past and cannot be changed?

He has a point, your family could try re-assessing their priorities on your wedding day. However, it was his wedding day too - he could have grown a pair and said no to them.

Well it depends on what your defence is.

Personally, I think they sound selfish from what you've said.

It's been, gone, done. Is he going to dwell on it forever? The time to complain was before it happened. Harping on about it now is pointless. What exactly does he expect you to do? Say "yes Dear, I do so agree, I will disown my wayward illmannered relatives forthwith and cleave only to you my husband, and defer to you in matters of etiquette and animal husbandry henceforth" ? meh.

I think your DH is right.

I understand what a lot of work horses are, but your family were guests at your wedding. If they had to go out to sort the horses then fair enough but they should not have expected your wedding day timings to be adjusted around them.

I can totally see his point, actually. You are obviously used to coming second best to the horses and are inured to your family's behaviour; he isn't so cut him some slack while he gets used to them.

I think it was quite decent of him to arrange his wedding day to suit them, especially when it didn't suit either him or his best man.

If he's right, and they could easily have got someone else to tend to the horses, then why do YOU think they didn't bother?

he could have grown a pair and said no to them

Actually if his wife was saying that he had to do what her family wanted, would it have mattered if he didn't want to do it this way. One against many.

I would not have altered timings to fit around my family, it is one day and they had plenty of notice. If I was your DH, I would be upset that their priority didn't lie with you, not about the speeches themselves. He might be worrying about the bigger picture.

I'm with your dh.

Yabu.

If he didn't want to do the speeches early, why didn't he say so at the planning stage?

Or did it just come up on the day that they wanted to hurry things along?

I think you are wrong to stick up for your family over your husband. Everyone's priority on that day should have been yours and your DHs happiness, and if your family didn't have that as their first concern, then they were out of order. You should be supporting your husband over your family now you are married.

OP you ask "aibu for defending my family" but you don't actually give any defence of their behaviour. Do YOU actually think they were right to leave wedding for the horses? Why?
Your dh probably hopes he counts as your family now too!

What do you expect when you have a horse-free wedding?

It's quite sweet that he thinks your family should have been with you n the morning of your wedding, he probably just wanted you to have what most brides have on the morning of their wedding. He is hurt on your behalf that you weren't more of a priority than the horses, which shows he loves you. But you are a big girl, so you need to let him know that he just has to suck that one up as long as you didn't mind.

He is right about the rest of it though.

noble.

YABU for not coming on here and posing this question prior to the wedding.

He has a very good point, I agree with him. What would have happened if you hadn't got married locally?

While its admirable that you want to stick for your family, he is right. If he hadn't want to do it early but was force to by you and your family, he is not being unreasonable to be aggrieved.

However, he should let it go as the wedding day has passed and he should worry about getting on with the marriage.

i am with your dh too. it was his wedding day too. it can cause resentment if he thinks you are going to put your family's wants above his. you need to work out what you want to do together and then present a united front as a couple... we have decided that.

of course where possible, you can arrange times/dates of special occasions to make things easier for your families, both families (thinking future events like babies christenings etc/christmas/first birthdays) but not if it means putting families needs above partners needs, in both directions.

oh and even though the event has passed, not dealing with it could leave it to fester and raise its ugly head agan if there is another incident where your family get priority over him. If you deal with it now and apologise for not supporting him then it is less likely to cause problems in future. doesn't mean that either of you can ask for unreasonable requests though and expect them to be granted..

He might be finding it hard to let it go because his new wife thinks its ok that her family spoiled his enjoyment of one of the most special parts of one of the most special days of his life.

Just a thought.

Maybe (and I'm only guessing cos the OP hasn't come back) he'd find it easier to let go of this if the OP acknowledged her family were being selfish?

Your DH is quite right.

X posts Freddos, I wasn't copying you...honest!

Good point, redwhite, in saying that he doesn't want what happened on the wedding day to set a precedent for the future.

I agree with him to a point. However why is he still going on about it. Its done.
Yes it would've been nice for them to not go to the horses.
I don't get this tbh. The decision on whether to have speeches before or after should be made in advance so that the venue can time everything. If the speeches are first, the meal will be late iyswim.
Anyway of on the day your parents wanted to change it either of you could've said ' I understand you need to leave but we are not changing the times'.

I can see his point. It would have been much more considerate of them to make other arrangements for one day. I don't know why they didn't. But why didn't he bring this concern up before the wedding?