Another Wedding one

[Cheekysunday]

Hi Mumsnet,

New to Mumsnet but here goes :)

Recently married, but my new husband and I have had an argument so I'd love to know people points of view.

Basicly he says he was put under pressure to do the speeches early as members of my family had to tend to the stables during the reception (11 horses stabled locally to the reception, but not a business). His point was that my family knew a lot of people who were very capable of helping and that for just one day it would have been lovely for somebody to make arrangements so as not let the horses dictate the pace. In addition he was annoyed that instead of my family helping me in the morning of my wedding they were once again tending to the horses. As he and his best man weren't ready to do the speeches he considers my family somewhat rude to force the timings. AIBU for defending my family???

I think his point is correct however I'm not a fan of dragging up past instances that have no way of been put right just to score points in an unrelated argument.

DP does this and it gets on my tits. At this point I usually roll my eyes, snarl and say "but back to the matter in hand". On the plus side I usually take it as a sign I'm winning.

If you're feeling generous I suppose you could chuck in a "well I'm sorry you can't get past that"

Actually, I've just realised that the whole argument was a about this???

Um well all you can really do is apologise and be aware for the future? If he can't get over it after that perhaps he needs to just bury deep, deep down because there's not really much else you can do is there? You could try asking him what he wants you to do with this information if he doesn't drop it soon.

YABU

Your family was rude. You are now being rude by siding with your family rather than your DH. You do realise that the wedding you attended was yours?

Apologise then move on (and dont side with your family against your DH again without very good reason).

YABU.

It is shockingly selfish to interfere with timings at somebody's wedding. Even thinking you can is rude.

But your attitude is somewhat worse. Your wedding day was about you and your husband. His wishes should surely be granted before those of your family? You defending them is pretty much confirming that they come before him. I wonder how you would feel if it were the other way around?

I´m with your husband as well.

Still at least you know for sure that neither of you are as important as the horses.

to be fair to the OP, if her family have always made it clear that humans come second to animals then the concept of putting her DH first might not have occurred to her.

I know a family who keep animals and everything, absolutely everything comes second to that. The children of the family had to become used to mummy and daddy never attending any important events because the animals always came first. I could imagine them pulling a stunt like this and then accusing the OP of selfishness if she didnt go along with it.

Its happened, move on
Acknowledge to your dh their selfishness. Second guess any future events and timings with the words 'who will sort the horses when x' if you want your dh to get on with his inlaws. Dont let him feel second best to a horse

I'm with your dh. It seems as thought you had different expectations of your wedding day. Your dh wanted the day to be centred around the two of you, but you were happy to let other family priorities take precedence.

It seems odd though that in 9 months of preparation for the wedding, nobody thought about feeding the horses until the actual day.

Still with your DH, even with extra information (not much). More so, in fact: yes they should have planned something else so that they didn't interfere with the timings on the day - and depending on the reception venue that might not have been possible anyway without a lot of palaver! - and I can quite see why he's bringing it up now because he doesn't want this to be a precedent for your married life together.

It's not always about the minutiae of what actually happened, but the indicators of how other events are going to play out in the future because of how you view this one (I have trouble explaining this to DH as well when he thinks I'm being petty over something fairly minor).

It seems odd though that in 9 months of preparation for the wedding, nobody thought about feeding the horses until the actual day

I think its because the OPs family took it for granted that everything would run around the horses needs, and if that is what the OP has grown up with, i can see why she wouldnt question it.

Its not right, but I can see where it has come from.

If she took it for granted that horses come before humans and don't question it, then I don't understand why she didn't take it into consideration ahead of time when they were working on the time line instead of springing it on her new husband on the wedding day?

Your family are definitely being unreasonable, you dh was properly nervous about making the speech without feeling pressured to rush.

Imagine if your mil asked you to walk down the aisle earlier so she could feed her cat

Firstly, your family did not have to tend the horses during your reception - they chose to. I would guess that your family would have been quite able to call upon friends from within the horse-keeping community, to help for one day. And I would guess that your DH feels hurt for both of you, that even on your wedding day, your family still put their animals above you. Would you have been as accepting of the situation if it had been your DH's family insisting on re-arranging the timings of your wedding because they had to go and feed MIL's cats? Honestly, would you have thought that ok?

Secondly, for those who are saying the DH should just 'get over' this, my own DH is painfully shy, even with those he knows well and that includes family. When we got married, he was literally shaking with nerves once the ceremony was over, because he knew he was going to have to stand up and make a speech. The whole time we were eating, he was getting more and more nervous. If anyone had suddenly asked him to stand up and make his speech early, he would not have been able to do so. It was not a case of him not having the speech written, it was a case of him being psychologically ready to give his speech.

I am afraid I really do think YABU and I think your family were extremely rude and inconsiderate of both of you.

Well yes I've read the arguments saying "what's done is done" and "he needs to move on".

However, this is obviously worrying him and I think he is right. On yours (and HIS) wedding day, your parents got more of a say than he did. He is probably worrying where he stands during the marriage if that's where he stands during the wedding.

Secondly, have you actually apologised and acknowledged his hurt? maybe he will move on when you have done that.

It is so important not to alienate your partner this way. I would be massively pissed off if my MIL's requirements had affected my wedding day timetable, and would be concerned about my status in the marriage. I would want my DH's reassurance and an apology.

YABU.

She posted a topic in July saying she was recently wed so...

Ignore that wrong topic!!!

YABU. It was his day too and not fair to pressure him on the day.

Poor bloke.