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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloomin' birthday parties....

77 replies

dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 12:50

I know, I know I shouldn't be so bothered about this but I can't stop thinking about it this morning and i'm feeling really Sad for my DD.

Little girl in DD's class had a birthday party last night, DD wasn't invited so although I didn't give it too much thought (you you can't always invite everyone can you I've been there) I was a bit surprised as they have been to each others houses a couple of times etc and I am on friendly chit-chat terms with the little girls Mum. DD was disapointed but told her it's just one of those things you can't go to them all. Last night she came home and said she was the only one not going. I was a bit Hmm and didn't think for one second that was true.
Transpires after talking to a few mum's this morning DD was one of the only girls not to go Sad there were three girls not there, DD, one who is on holiday and a little girl who started this term (which I also think is a bit mean)

Now I believe that a couple of weeks ago (about the time the invites went out) there was a bit of a spat. DD came home saying 'x was moody and wouldn't let me play' and 'x said she isn't my friend' but after 2 days it seemed to blow over, the little girl, my DD and the mum and I have spoken on the way to and from school a couple of times and it was perfectly fine. Surely If there was any real issue between them i'd imagine the mum would have spoken to me or the class teacher would have?

Is it just me that thinks it's a bit mean to leave just one (well two really) girl out of the whole class? even if there was a spat then leaving DD out makes it all a bit worse really? Felt so bloody stupid this morning waiting to go in as we were stood there and a few of them were talking about party bags, the party etc with this Mum. I had a big grin plastered to my face. DD looked gutted, that's whats made me so Sad. The mum did look a bit shamefaced though.

I'm not saying for one second she should of invited my DD how dare she not well am a bit ahem but I do think it's all a bit mean.
Phew I neded a bit of a rant I feel better now. Was going to do a passive aggressive "Oh have a great holiday do hope x enjoyed her party heard it was fab" or am I going to look like a nutter? The girl and her Mum seem seemed really nice too oh bloody hell kid's parties!

OP posts:
lisaro · 19/07/2012 12:53

Firstly-three girls didn't go. Secondly-why do you feel she ought to invite everybody? YABVU.

pigletmania · 19/07/2012 12:56

yanbu at all, to leave 2 children out of a whole class party is nasty and cruel. the mum should have looked past childish spats and be the adult in all rthis. i hope that she is ashamed of herself

ThisIsAUsername · 19/07/2012 12:56

YANBU to be upset for DD, no one wants to see their children left out. But she can't have and be involved in everything, there will be times when she is left out and be gutted... it's life. If you say there is no big issue between DD and her friend, and her mum is behaving normally... then don't make it into a big issue. It's done now. Let it go and fgs don't go around bitching about it and making passive aggressive remarks.

Fillybuster · 19/07/2012 12:58

YANBU.

OP, I think you have 3 choices:

Emotionally a bit too open: If you're friendly enough with the mum, maybe you could have a (naice) friendly chat along the lines of 'is something up between my dd and yours? I didn't think so, but then she was so diappointed not to be invited to the party, so I thought I should just make sure....'.

Sane and Sensible: Just let it go, and see if it blows over by next term.

Underhand/Long Term Solution: Drop in a present (something like a set of books from Tesco which are frequently on offer for £2.50 but always look more generous) and card for the birthday girl, in person (but without DD). Say something like "DD chose this ages ago for your DD, was really keen for her to have it because she enjoyed it so much - I know she wasn't invited to the party in the end, but we had already bought it for her". You will have got your message across.

Original poster
dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 12:58

Thanks well that was straight to the point!
In fairness I did say I didn't think she should how dare she not invite DD didn't I? I just felt really gutted for DD she was one of the only sorry 2 out of the girls not be invited ah well it happens they'll be more parties. I did feel really horrible for this morning for her, feel much better for a rant a coffee!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 19/07/2012 12:59

the op has said it was a class party so al but two invied, sorry this is not on. fair enough if half the class not invied or mabey, 5-10 kids left but 2

pigletmania · 19/07/2012 13:00

fillibuster the last one is a great idea Smile will get the hint across in a good way

Original poster
dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 13:04

ah cheers thisisausername and pigletmania Smile I'm sure the invites were done during this 'spat' of theirs. Feel a lot better after giving it some rational thought, I havent mentioned it to other mums just did the old ah well can't go to them all. Won't do the passive aggressive thing honest!

OP posts:
MyMelody · 19/07/2012 13:06

OP says that 3 girls were not invited, were there some boys not invited aswell? if so then it clearly wasn't a whole class party. Unfair as it seems your dd does need to get used to it, its just one of those things and whole class parties are just not an option for a lot of people.

squeakytoy · 19/07/2012 13:07

I dont know why there is now this belief that you must invite ALL the class to a party. Why not limit it to the kids who your child is actually friends with. It would certainly stop a lot of the angst that goes on.

Surely kids have friends who are not classmates too?

loislaine · 19/07/2012 13:10

Is it possible your invite went missing - this has frequently happened in DS's class - invites are sent in and mysteriously go missing. We had to chase up people for Ds's party, and have had to be given extra invites to other's parties because of this. Maybe the mum thinks you didn't RSVP and hasn't mentioned it?

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2012 13:11

How many boys didn't go OP?

Original poster
dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 13:15

I know you can't invite everyone honestly I do and if I'm being honest I feel a bit daft now especially putting it in AIBU of all places,but needed to get it off my chest my DH was most helpful when I got in with "well saved the money for a present" Hmm It was just DD and the look on her face this morning I was gutted for her. fillibuster 3 is brilliant, I want to do it but I'll prob do 2!

OP posts:
Washitupagain · 19/07/2012 13:16

YANBU at all. Fom various discussions with friends we all agree that you invite everyone or less than half. To leave out 3 girls is just mean.

Peacocklady · 19/07/2012 13:20

It has just been my dd's party and she'd written a list of children to invite from her class. I realised about 3 girls had been left out from looking at the class photo (she hadn't chosen any boys from her class) so I made sure all the girls were invited. I dont understand how anyone would be comfortable with it.
It's horrid to feel left out, but she'll forget about it quickly and make sure this girl is invited to your dd's party to show it's not tit for tat.

MyMelody · 19/07/2012 13:20

Washitupagain - everyone or less than half? Seriously?? there is a massive difference between a party for 20 and one for 30!

dipity - please don't make any passive aggressive comments you really will make yourself look a loon! I mean that in the nicest possible way! You will get used to this over the years, birthday parties are really no big deal, and as your dd gets older she will get invited to less anyway as more children have smaller parties.

Original poster
dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 13:20

worralliberty I honestly don't know, I am good friends with 2 of the boy's Mum's and they have both been invited. I don't think I want to know now (buries head in sand )
I think I'm just going to put it down to the fact the invites were probably done during the week of 'the spat' as it will now be known. It's just knowing how pally they have been, if my DD had of said "I'm not inviting her to my party we're not friends" (this week) I wouldn't have left out 1 (or 2 as in the case of the new girl) as I would have felt a bit mean.
loislane invite could well have gone missing but would she not have chased me up on it maybe? ah well....kettle boiled going to actively try not to think about it anymore lie

OP posts:
Original poster
dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 13:24

MyMelody when I told my husband my passive aggressive idea (well acted it out for him with a wave and everything) he looked at me, took off his glasses and actually said "you look like a loon" no offence taken your right I wasn't half tempted this morning though!

OP posts:
jellybeans · 19/07/2012 13:26

YANBU to feel sorry for your DD but it is U to expect all kids to be invited. I have 5DC and have never invited the whole class to a party. They usually choose 14 people or less each as it is generally £10 a head and we simply can't afford the whole class. We give invites out sensitively though to avoid upset. Surely it is up to the birthday child who they want at their own party? I did experience once though my twin with a mild disability wasn't invited but his twin was. The party child admitted (to his twin) it was because of my DTs disability that he didn't like him! That sort of thing is U.

MyMelody · 19/07/2012 13:27

If the little girl is good friends with some of the boys, she may have made a list of say 20 out of 30 children, some girls some boys, I don't really see why girls automatically have to invite everyone else in the class of the same gender, surely its more important they invite who they like to play with regardless of gender iyswim?

Original poster
dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 13:34

Jellybeans how awful that's most certainly UR and kind of makes my post seem rather silly. MyMelody you make perfect sense damn it and your right of course they can invite who they like. As I said I was just really upset for DD this morning, her face looked so Sad when I walked out of the class and I felt so bloody stupid when I was stood there and people were talking about it, I was like oh yes DD look at that amazing poster over there ....
I just couldn't leave one or two out, I couldn't, but I accept that everyone does it differently.

OP posts:
RubyGrace17 · 19/07/2012 13:46

How horrid for your little girl (and the new girl also not invited). As a teacher, the amount of issues that arise from birthday parties is astonishing. It used to break my heart when one child was left out of a whole class party.

I have made it clear to my girls that it is everyone in the class or just a few children (4/5). There is one particular girl in my DD1 class who has been known as the 'trouble maker' and is often violent and nasty towards the other children, including my DD in the past. I refused to let DD1 leave her out of the invites (despite my DH objecting when DD1 was throwing a tantrum over it) and knew myself that I (or a member of my family/friends) could keep an extra eye on this little one to avoid any issues. As it happened, the little girl came and was as good as gold. Poor wee soul had never been to a party before and it was a delight to see her enjoying herself and being included.

Perhaps you could do something special with your DD on the day of the party? A nice day out or a cozy dvd/popcorn/pizza night at home?

Ruby

MyMelody · 19/07/2012 13:47

Dipity - I do understand how you feel, its only natural really, and I have been on both sides, but when you have been round the block a few times (like me Grin ) you will get quite bored of the whole party scene and you will start to see it much more objectively.

Scholes34 · 19/07/2012 13:47

OP - I think you'll find your DD will get over this much more quickly than you will.

MyMelody · 19/07/2012 13:49

but yes, birthday parties are a total pain!