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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloomin' birthday parties....

77 replies

dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 12:50

I know, I know I shouldn't be so bothered about this but I can't stop thinking about it this morning and i'm feeling really Sad for my DD.

Little girl in DD's class had a birthday party last night, DD wasn't invited so although I didn't give it too much thought (you you can't always invite everyone can you I've been there) I was a bit surprised as they have been to each others houses a couple of times etc and I am on friendly chit-chat terms with the little girls Mum. DD was disapointed but told her it's just one of those things you can't go to them all. Last night she came home and said she was the only one not going. I was a bit Hmm and didn't think for one second that was true.
Transpires after talking to a few mum's this morning DD was one of the only girls not to go Sad there were three girls not there, DD, one who is on holiday and a little girl who started this term (which I also think is a bit mean)

Now I believe that a couple of weeks ago (about the time the invites went out) there was a bit of a spat. DD came home saying 'x was moody and wouldn't let me play' and 'x said she isn't my friend' but after 2 days it seemed to blow over, the little girl, my DD and the mum and I have spoken on the way to and from school a couple of times and it was perfectly fine. Surely If there was any real issue between them i'd imagine the mum would have spoken to me or the class teacher would have?

Is it just me that thinks it's a bit mean to leave just one (well two really) girl out of the whole class? even if there was a spat then leaving DD out makes it all a bit worse really? Felt so bloody stupid this morning waiting to go in as we were stood there and a few of them were talking about party bags, the party etc with this Mum. I had a big grin plastered to my face. DD looked gutted, that's whats made me so Sad. The mum did look a bit shamefaced though.

I'm not saying for one second she should of invited my DD how dare she not well am a bit ahem but I do think it's all a bit mean.
Phew I neded a bit of a rant I feel better now. Was going to do a passive aggressive "Oh have a great holiday do hope x enjoyed her party heard it was fab" or am I going to look like a nutter? The girl and her Mum seem seemed really nice too oh bloody hell kid's parties!

OP posts:
holyfishnets · 19/07/2012 17:54

She didn't invite 3 girls and she also didn't invite xx number of boys too. I expect the sum total of all the boy and girls not invited is actually a fair proportion. What is the problem? Why do all of the girls have to be invited just because they are girls?

I think inviting 18 of a class of 25 is fine by the way. It's just life. Mine have always understood that not everyone gets invited to every party. Mine have never been teased and I expect it would be knocked on the head pronto if they were.

YvonneMcGruder · 19/07/2012 18:15

Puffpants - shouldn't you be teaching your children that sometimes, they can't always be invited to something? Why such a sense of entitlement? Not a good lesson to learn that they can get what they want, when they want.
If mine don't get invited to a party, which has happened on occasion, then I just tell them not to worry, there'll be other parties and sometimes not everyone can go, it's not just them.
They've always accepted that. We'll do something else instead.
As for the only inviting 18 and not 25, so what? I could understand the point if it was just one out of the whole class, that wouldn't be very nice. A big chunk like 7 isn't a big deal though, it's not discriminating against just one, is it?
Why should my ds not have a party at a soft play just because I'm not prepared to invite nearly 30 children which is an extortionate amount of money when it's all factored in?
More parents should teach their child not to worry if it's only half a class going. Parents saying it's not fair just because they should be having a full class one isn't on. That's up to the individual parent and their circumstances.

YvonneMcGruder · 19/07/2012 18:17

Thanks holyfishnets, just seen your post! Smile Your attitude is the best to have - as you say, that's just life, and it's our job as parents to explain to our children that we can't always be invited to everything, or get what we want all the time. It just doesn't work like that.

Original poster
dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 18:26

holyfishnets I know she cannot be expected to go to every party and I did say in my op that it's just one of those things sometimes. I was just upset for DD when we were in school and she realised she was one of the only 2/3 girls out of all her friends not of been invited and attend. Girl 2 started literally 3 or 4 weeks ago and Girl 3 on holiday so not sure if she was invited or not. I really felt sorry for DD as she looked so Sad I doubt she'll be teased about it? I certainly hope not anyway!
Not sure exactly how many boys went? could have been all or just the two of the mums I spoke too.

I'm sure it was a little spat and the litle girl whose party it was said 'no i don't want her to come' and thats it. If i was that mum knowing that DD was one of the only girls not invited I personally couldn't do it but that's just me. Everyone does things differently.

It's all over and done with now anyway. I've had my little moan on here! and she's home, she said she felt 'a little bit sad' when they all talked about the party at school but she's seeing various friends over the hols so got lots to look forward too.

Like I said earlier felt a bit silly afterwards and especially posting in AIBU of all places but you've all been lovely. I was just feeling particular Sad and fed up when I posted this morning!

Filybuster your party sounds fab!

OP posts:
Original poster
dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 18:30

Where does it say 18 out of 25 went? Does someone know something I don't Confused anyway all over and done with now, she was upset, she'll get over it as will I with thearpy she's a good kid and not entitled at all, just felt a bit left out today.

All water under the bridge now as I said bloomin' birthday parties! thanks all

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 19/07/2012 18:33

The whole party thing is ridiculous. My DTDs were invited to a lot of parties in Yr R and several were "whole class" affairs. The parents had clearly used the class list which the school had sent out to do the invitations, as one little girl was invited to several parties despite the fact that she had swapped from one Yr R class to the other. Presumably this meant that the child she had swapped with was not invited to the parties Sad BUT it also suggests that the parent sorting the invitations had not had a conversation with the birthday child about who they would like to invite to the party, which makes me wonder whether the party was about the birthday child at all.

This year (Yr 1) the girls have been invited to far fewer parties and they have never once said "X had a party and we weren't invited". Never. Which makes me think that children care far less about this than their mothers do. When they had their own party, I simply asked them who they would like to invite. They went for their two cousins (different school), 6 friends from out of school, and their actual friends from school - the ones they play with. Incidentally, there was at least one girl there who I know had a party, and didn't invite my girls. Personally, I think asking the child whose party it is who they would like to invite is the way to do it. Too many MN mums overthink it.

stealthsquiggle · 19/07/2012 18:35

Yvonne I don't think anyone said you had to have the whole class, did they Confused - clearly there are lots of reasons (not all of them financial) why you might well not want to do that. I still think, though, that with young DC (which is what we are talking about, given that by about 8 or 9 they tend to have birthday treats more than parties) it is a lot "nicer" (awful word) to have half the class or less rather than leave a minority feeling left out.

Fluffy1234 · 19/07/2012 18:37

You probably have years of this sort of thing happening so try not to make a big deal of it.

kerala · 19/07/2012 18:37

Don't say anything. You will look like a prat. The children care less than you do.

I agree it was off though. DD only really plays with girls so last year we invited half of the girls in her class that she played with the most. I did feel guilt stricken though as some of the not invited ones told her they wished they could have come. This year I invited all the girls. It was fair but never again mine and DHs blood pressure couldn't stand it. I think if you leave out as many as you invite thats fine - leaving out one or two unless you have a good reason is not done.

Original poster
dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 18:40

Your exactly right eviltwins I was pretty upset when I came back home only because she looked so gutted, no mum likes that do they Sad But apart from her saying that she 'felt a bit sad ' when they were talking about it she seems to of had a great day! I had my moan and I'm seeing things a lot more rationally than I did earlier!

OP posts:
Eggrules · 19/07/2012 19:08

I agree with others that have said fairest approach is all or a few. In the same situation, my DS would be upset and feel left out too.

This year, we invited the whole Reception class and a few extras. DS's was desperate to have a party and most children in his class had one. As his birthday was 2 1/2 months after he started a new school, he had no idea whom to invite; it changed hourly. In the end there were only 5 children he wasn't bothered about and I thought it was unfair to leave them out.

Parties and invitations are a massive deal for my DS/ his classmates. Even though we've explained he won't be invited to everything, he still gets upset. I've heard myself DC saying x/y/z won't be invited to my party (next year). My DS cares far more about this issue than I do. If he is invited to a party, we try to arrange our plans so he can go. I'd much rather do something else and don't care if he gets invited or not.

Floggingmolly · 19/07/2012 19:15

Ah, bless her. You know you are being unreasonable really, but it's perfectly understandable Smile
It could have been a misunderstanding anyway; when my dd turned 5 (October birthday) I asked the teacher for a class list and actually ended up inviting the whole class as she'd only been at school around 2 weeks at that stage, and friendships were still fairly fluid.
I gave the teacher the invites to and out as per school protocol, and was handed one back at the end of the day with the words "he didn't actually start at this school" Hmm.
What she neglected to mention was that another little girl had taken his place, and of course she was the only one not invited.
My dd is 11 now, and I actually remember this incident every year. Blush Even though they weren't particular friends in the end, she's been invited every year since.

DontEatTheVolesKids · 19/07/2012 19:26

Poor form but you have to grow a very thick skin about these things. These things end up bothering parents much more than the kids.

YvonneMcGruder · 19/07/2012 20:24

dipitydoyou the 18 out of 25 was in regards to me and what I did. According to one poster, it should have been all, or none. Hardly fair on my ds who wouldn't have had a party for his birthday then.
stealthsquiggle yes, someone took umbrage with the fact I did invite only 18 - apparently it's unfair on those not going and I as a parent should understand that. Confused

loveroflife · 19/07/2012 20:39

I think all children in the class should be invited. It is easier and fairer and avoids an exclusion culture and the horrible aftermath in the playground the next day. The school in the previous post that encourages an 'all class policy' is brilliant.

If your dc isn't best friends with all of the people in her class or doesn't really like them does it really matter if they come to her/his party? No, not really.

I think it shows fairness and maturity from the parents and child that everyone should have fun and the thought of begrudging one child of missing our compared to the others is just horrible.

It's an event once a year for a couple of hours - invite them all and be done with it.

YvonneMcGruder · 19/07/2012 20:43

Just missing one child out would be mean, I agree with that. Missing out several in the class though is hardly discriminating against just one though, pretty ridiculous for some to say invite all or none.

EvilTwins · 19/07/2012 21:38

loveroflife I completely disagree with you. Inviting 30 children to a party is both ridiculous and impractical, not to mention incredibly expensive. It means that the party isn't about celebrating the DC's birthday, but is about the parent. Also, what about friends who are not from school? Or family? Should every party involve 40 or more children, just for the sake of inclusivity? An adult wouldn't do it for their own birthday celebration, so why should a child?

And IMO, schools themselves should be kept out if it. Who goes to whose party should not be something teachers have to deal with, ever.

jellybeans · 19/07/2012 21:48

I also disagree with loveroflife. I would never invite the whole class. Who could afford to for a start (unless you hire a cheap hall and do all your own food or have a huge house). As I said earlier one of my sons was (still is at times) bullied over his disability. Especially from one boy in the class. Why should he have to invite him to what should be his special day? An adult wouldn't have to invite people they didn't like would they? My DC have always chosen several friends they want to invite (min was 6 and max was 14) and have always had to limit it and choose one person over another at times but that is life. They too have not been invited to friends parties because of numbers or whatever.

loveroflife · 19/07/2012 22:25

I take your point about bullying jellybeans but in general I think it is the best option.

I am for not one moment sugggesting a party at £10 a head for 30 children, but a picnic in the park, teddy bears party, football party in the park, hide and seek in woods, swimming - cheap and cheerful options - I have all this to come though (ds 2) so maybe I am looking at it through rose tinted glasses!

Yes, an adult wouldn't have to do it, but at school the dynamics are very different and frienships are hot and cold one week and different the next. I always remember from my own childhood it being made a MASSIVE deal if XX was invited to YY's party and it was just awful.

The birthday child will still be getting plenty of attention, she/he will be playing with all those who she is 'best friends' with, but I really don't see the harm in inviting the others in the class too. If they don't want to come then fine, not a problem but at least every child is being given the option to be included.

hectorthestandbyhawk · 19/07/2012 22:33

DD was the only girl not invited to a party in her class. It didn't stress me too much. I'd have been surprised if she had invited her.The child doesn't like dd and didn't want to invite her so she didn't . Her mum either went along with this or didn't notice. I'm not going to go begging for an invite. DD can go to the parties of children who actually want here there, much more fun.

jellybeans · 19/07/2012 23:49

I still disagree. We had parties at soft play, bowling etc and it was too expensive to invite the whole class even if we wanted to! In addition, my DTs class was split last year so their best friends are now in the other class (mixed year groups) so if they just invited their current class mates then they would not be able to invite at least 6 of their best friends from the other class! I would have to invite over 40 people!

I do take the point that if a whole class is invited but one then that is abit mean-unless the child has been bullying the child. I refuse to agree that a child should invite their bully. But it is totally fine just to invite half the class. A picnic sounds fun but not everyone could manage that.

jellybeans · 19/07/2012 23:50

I still disagree. We had parties at soft play, bowling etc and it was too expensive to invite the whole class even if we wanted to! In addition, my DTs class was split last year so their best friends are now in the other class (mixed year groups) so if they just invited their current class mates then they would not be able to invite at least 6 of their best friends from the other class! I would have to invite over 40 people!

I do take the point that if a whole class is invited but one then that is abit mean-unless the child has been bullying the child. I refuse to agree that a child should invite their bully. But it is totally fine just to invite half the class. A picnic sounds fun but not everyone could manage that.

fluffypillow · 19/07/2012 23:52

Seems very mean to me. I always invite everyone. :)

I'd feel sad about this too op.

kerala · 20/07/2012 14:11

I don't think you have to invite everyone agree with eviltwins. But there is a tipping point over which you do have to invite everyone to be fair. Invite half leave half out is ok otherwise it gets ridiculous. Oh and the adults seem more bothered than the kids. DD doesn't give two hoots if she's not invited, if she's not there it doesn't exist in her world.

knowitallstrikesagain · 20/07/2012 14:20

YABU

I hate the idea that children have to invite people they don't get on with to their party. But I also know that we have to teach them to be socially responsible, so what I usually do is throw a party at another time of the year, could be hallowe'en, summer party, Christmas etc and to this everyone is invited. Problem solved.