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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bloomin' birthday parties....

77 replies

dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 12:50

I know, I know I shouldn't be so bothered about this but I can't stop thinking about it this morning and i'm feeling really for my DD.

Little girl in DD's class had a birthday party last night, DD wasn't invited so although I didn't give it too much thought (you you can't always invite everyone can you I've been there) I was a bit surprised as they have been to each others houses a couple of times etc and I am on friendly chit-chat terms with the little girls Mum. DD was disapointed but told her it's just one of those things you can't go to them all. Last night she came home and said she was the only one not going. I was a bit and didn't think for one second that was true.
Transpires after talking to a few mum's this morning DD was one of the only girls not to go there were three girls not there, DD, one who is on holiday and a little girl who started this term (which I also think is a bit mean)

Now I believe that a couple of weeks ago (about the time the invites went out) there was a bit of a spat. DD came home saying 'x was moody and wouldn't let me play' and 'x said she isn't my friend' but after 2 days it seemed to blow over, the little girl, my DD and the mum and I have spoken on the way to and from school a couple of times and it was perfectly fine. Surely If there was any real issue between them i'd imagine the mum would have spoken to me or the class teacher would have?

Is it just me that thinks it's a bit mean to leave just one (well two really) girl out of the whole class? even if there was a spat then leaving DD out makes it all a bit worse really? Felt so bloody stupid this morning waiting to go in as we were stood there and a few of them were talking about party bags, the party etc with this Mum. I had a big grin plastered to my face. DD looked gutted, that's whats made me so . The mum did look a bit shamefaced though.

I'm not saying for one second she should of invited my DD how dare she not well am a bit ahem but I do think it's all a bit mean.
Phew I neded a bit of a rant I feel better now. Was going to do a passive aggressive "Oh have a great holiday do hope x enjoyed her party heard it was fab" or am I going to look like a nutter? The girl and her Mum seem seemed really nice too oh bloody hell kid's parties!

OP posts:

CrapBag · 19/07/2012 13:49

YABU.

This is the sort of thing I am dreading when DS starts school.

I am going to ask him who he wants to invite and thats it. I am not going to be obliged to invite everyone because some parents may not like it. Tough. It is the childs party and children need to learn that they don't all get invited to everything.

porcamiseria · 19/07/2012 13:51

I like fillybusters suggestion #3 !!!!! fucking guilt trip the bitch OP

Original poster

dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 14:00

RubyGrace17 your post just made me cry that poor little girl The party was last night but tonight we are watching monster in paris with popcorn and choccie and maybe a for me!
Scholes34 I think your probably right!

OP posts:

PuffPants · 19/07/2012 14:04

YANBU. Those who say otherwise are either incredibly thick-skinned or have never been left out of anything in their lives.

I think it's the parent's responsibility to make sure that just one or two are not excluded from a party. How hard is it to see the class list or ask the teacher?

Beamur · 19/07/2012 14:08

YANBU
To invite nearly everyone and just leave 2/3 out is mean. DD's class teacher has made her feelings known on this incidentally, as had said it should either be a few close friends or everyone (it's a small class) and I totally agree. You'd have thought grown ups would have a bit more sensitivity but it seems not. Leaving out a friend because of a minor huff is verging on spiteful.
I'd rise above it all, say nothing, do nothing. If you have a party for your DD's birthday make sure you DO invite the girl who excluded your DD. Then enjoy the moral highground

PuffPants · 19/07/2012 14:16

CrapBag, so you not think children can benefit from some parental guidance when it comes to friendships and social integration though?

When I was about 7/8 a little girl from the local care home joined our class. She was different from us and had a hard time fitting in. My parents insisted I invite her to my party, much to my horror and talked to me about what it might feel like to be left out of parties and how it was an opportunity to get to know people and that parties were about sharing your happiness not flaunting it (I remember that phrase particularly). The girl came and had a wonderful time and the nuns who were looking after her all came to pick her up and thought it was marvellous she'd been to a party.

Just saying, children don't always know the right thing to do - that's our job.

surroundedbyblondes · 19/07/2012 14:19

YANBU. I agree, either a small group or everyone. Luckily that's what happens in DD1's class. She was the new girl this year, and the youngest in the class and has been lucky to have been invited to several parties where the whole class has been there. We're delighted, and very thankful that she has felt so involved. Our turn to reciprocate in October when she turns 4 !

stealthsquiggle · 19/07/2012 14:20

All the class, or (significantly) less than half has always been my "rule" on these things (both equally valid solutions) - so that there is never a minority left out. We have usually opted for all, as they have been in fairly small classes, I happen to like doing parties, and the party stage doesn't last long anyway.

If either of my DC starts saying "I don't want to invite X" then my answer is fine, but that means you are choosing to have a smaller party and will be limited to [whatever number] of friends. To date, they have always chosen to invite X instead.

OP, YANBU to be a bit miffed and confused, and if you can face asking what the issue is (by any of the means suggested) then I would, IIWY. OTOH if you can live without knowing then DD probably will have forgotten all about it in a week.

PiedWagtail · 19/07/2012 14:24

No, YANBU. I would have been upset - and so would dd as well. Either have a small party or a whole-class one - I don't think it's fair to not invite omly a couple of kids from the class.

Not sure what you should do, tho. I'd prob not say anything at all to the mum unless I was pretty friendly with her. If I wasn't, I'd just do something nice with dd and make sure she didn't invite the other girl to her next party

Noqontrol · 19/07/2012 14:25

I think its a bit tight if just a few are left out.

BonnieBumble · 19/07/2012 14:25

I hate the whole organising parties thing. We normally do everyone or a small group.

This year ds is limited to a very small number and has invited his main friends, I feel bad because he hasn't invited somebody who invited him. Ds insists they don't really play together anymore but it makes me feel uncomfortable. We couldn't invite one extra because there is a maximum number for the activity he has chosen.

RubyGrace17 · 19/07/2012 14:27

Dipity, that sounds lovely! Enjoy :)

ChitChatFlyingby · 19/07/2012 14:27

Parties were about shaing you happiness not flaunting it

PuffPants - I really like that phrase! Will keep it on hand for when the DSs get older.

MyMelody · 19/07/2012 14:31

Regardless of what people think is acceptable or not, the fact is you cannot allow yourself to get upset or huffy about it or you will end up making the whole primary school thing a pretty miserable experience for yourselves! Just let the children get on with having rows/making up and learning about relationships with others and try and take a step back.

By the way, I would never leave out 2 or 3 children from the whole class, I think that is wrong, but to invite 20 out of 30 is perfectly acceptable and the op is not clear on whether there were some boys not invited to this party as well.

YvonneMcGruder · 19/07/2012 14:34

Oh God, this is all ridiculous. I held a party for my 5 year old the other week, and as there was about 25 in the class, I didn't invite everybody because at £8 a head it would have been too bloody expensive!
I invited about 18 in the end, I think. Nothing AT ALL against those who weren't invited, it was just those who's name he had mentioned before, who he plays with,and of the ones left, a random name pick!
Seriously, would people be boo hooing because their child wasn't going?! Why would you do that?
If my 5 year old, or my slightly older one wasn't invited to a party, I always tell them not to worry, there'll be other parties. Also sometimes we can't invite everybody, as it's too many pennies so only some will be going and not everybody.
They've always accepted that. I wouldn't dream of taking the huff because they weren''t invited.
How do you know it was only the three girls, anyway? Maybe there was a few boys as well who didn't go, for all you know.
Inviting the whole class is either for rich or competitive parents, in my opinion, and I can't be doing with all that!

PuffPants · 19/07/2012 14:43

Yvonne, is your child good friends with 18 children?

I think inviting 18 and leaving 7 out is wrong and you, as the parent, should see this more clearly than your child.

Xayide · 19/07/2012 14:44

I'm not sure how many of the girls DD1 left out. Would have loved to invite whole class - we don't often do them and previous ones have been whole class. It is just to expensive.

I left it up to DD1 who to invite pointing out it would be polite to invite the very few people whose party she's been to this year. Turns out there have been a lot of parties she hasn't been invited to but she been o.k with that.

She invited a fair few boys - she gets on with many of them and plays with them she doesn't get on with all the girls.

It could be a few as 3 girls not invited - I haven't looked. TBH I've been pretty shocked at the rudeness of some of the parents not rsvping and the attitude when I try and get numbers coming sorted.

Its never nice seeing your DC upset but perhaps when she did the list they weren't friends and she let her DC chose the invites and she rightly saying to the DC now we can't afford for you to add more.

I'd be very annoyed if another parent approach me demanding to now why their DC hadn't been invited.

Original poster

dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 14:48

YvonneMcGrunder I get that its expensive I do, and I get that you can't always invite everyone and I stated that in my op. I'm not sat here 'boo-hooing' over it, but I was upset for my DD this morning when we realised that she was one of 2 (possibly 3 that little girl is on holiday) not invited to this party out of all the girls in her class. I do not know about all the boys, am good friends with 2 of the boy's mums who said there boys were going. I'm not even going to ask about the boys now we break up today.

If say 20 out of 30 of the class went that's fine its a number thing that is perfectly understandle of course. It's just out of all the girls the fact that she was one of the only one's to not go well I just felt so bloody for her this morning, I felt it was a bit mean, had a rant on here, lots of lovely advice, I feel better.

Anyway school holidays now and a nice night planned with my DD tonight as DH away so some films, popcorn and a for me! Thanks for all you posts everyone.
puffpants your story gave me a warm fuzzy feeling!

OP posts:

MyMelody · 19/07/2012 14:53

ranting is what mn is for isn't ? enjoy your evening!

Original poster

dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 14:54

xayide That's rude not replying isn't it? and I'd never dare ask why my DD hadn't been invited (not even in a passive aggressive way like I planned on doing this morning) tbh if DD hadn't of looked so upset about it I'd have probably not thought too much about it the party has been and gone now. I do feel awful though, when she kept saying she was one of the only girls not going I was
Thanks all!

OP posts:

MyMelody · 19/07/2012 14:54

isn't it i mean

Original poster

dipitydoyou · 19/07/2012 14:55

MyMelody yes indeed! I do feel better now honest and My DH is very grateful he doesn't have to listen to it

OP posts:

Xayide · 19/07/2012 15:03

dipitydoyou - It is .I ranted on here and go some advice to just do extra party bags and stress-less as long as few come DD1 would enjoy it.

DD1 did invite a new comer and some less popular DC of her own bat with no prompting from me - those parents all replied promptly with no fuss or chasing needed and with very excited DC.

DS in reception seems to get left out - first bad behavior incident - total of 3 all year with same DC- was in response to another DC taunting him all day about that DC being invited to a party and DS was not. That was so hard to deal with.

Tell her not to worry and do something fantastic and mush better with her - that all you really can do.

Creamtea1 · 19/07/2012 15:25

I hate kids parties. It bothered me the whole nursery year and then I just couldn't be arsed anymore. I don't do parties for mine, we do a day out or something special or 2 friends round, no party. Which means no invites and no caring when they dont get invited. And think of all the money it saves you forking out £10 everytime on a present.
By year 2 the parties really die down anyway as even the competitive mum's are fed up of them by then.

Fillybuster · 19/07/2012 16:42

Just come back to add another thought (and check I hadn't been flamed for option 3 )...

The DCs school has a policy of 'whole class only' for invites distributed in the classroom (eg sent home in schoolbags or handed out at leaving time). I think that really helps, as there's a difference between a mum handing out private invites in the playground, or sending an email, and actively excluding children in front of their classmates.

I don't agree that it comes down to cost, by the way. DS1 had his party this week (for the whole class of 26, at the end of a year in which most parties were either single sex or small groups) and we did it all ourselves (dcs got to make their own pizza, then make cookies which I baked for going home presents, then decorate and eat ice cream, then do some running around ball games outside or colouring inside (we have a small garden!), then eat cake and go home). His other option (to have a small group of friends for a specific activity) would have cost more....

It was bloody knackering quite tiring and messy ....but they all left pronouncing it the best party of the year and asking to do the same thing next year!

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